There are very few things I hate more...

than being talked down to.

There is this condescending jerk in my Scope & Methods class who claims he's not a Republican but sure as heck has the views of one and who any time I voiced my opinion during a conversation cut me off and said "That's wrong." and went on talking about how he's right about blah blah blah.

OH MY WORD.  Let's just say it's a very good thing that Dr. Thornton started class at that moment because I seriously almost had to get up and leave I was about to scream.

Never speaking to that chauvinist ever again, that is for sure.  Because I'm pretty sure if I do I'll either smack him or say something I really regret.

DEEP BREATHS MAL.

Anyway.

Tomorrow is gonna be a long freakin' day.  I get up at 6:30 tomorrow morning and will not stop until I get out of this concert I have to go to for my music class after 9:00 tomorrow night.  That's gonna be fun.

At least it's Ryann's birthday tomorrow so I get to sing for her like she sang for me! And it's one day closer to Friday! 

Hooray for both of those things.  Hooray indeed.

Accepting the Truth

I've reached a big, big point in my life.  A point that I've been simultaneously waiting to hit and avoiding for three years now.  And now that I'm here, I feel....free.

You're probably either wondering what I'm talking about, or thinking I sound a tad on the crazy side, or both.  But anybody who has followed this blog for any length of time will want to hear this.  I promise. 

My journey through my relationship with Matt has been well documented (possibly too documented) over the past two and a half years.  We've been through several ups and downs and I've let out all of my happiness and frustration here at each step.  This is partly because I just like blogging, but also because I don't know who I could've talked to about all of this and not be judged for it.

He's special to me.  That's no secret.  He is my best friend far beyond anyone else.  He is everything a lost and lonely girl like me could ask for.  He is kind to everyone, funny every second of the day, and gives the world's greatest hugs.  He's taught me just about as much about life as my mom has, and that's a lot.  He's held me when I cried, cracked jokes to make the tears or anger go away, and most of all, he's forgiven me and understood when I freaked out at him because of personal demons and fears that were not his fault.  I have yet to meet another person who is so willing to forgive as he is.  Most of the people I know would've left, and did leave me behind years ago, unable to put up with my severe trust issues because of people who abused my heart.  But he didn't.  He never once got mad at me when I questioned him and us, because he understood why I was doing it even when I didn't.

Writing it all out like that, it's not really much of a surprise that I fell in love with him, is it?  I fell in love.  Hard.  But from the second I realized how deeply I loved him, I knew having my best friend was more important to me than anything else.  And so I didn't tell him for a long time.  I kept all the words my mouth was begging to say bottled up inside because I had a track record of losing guys I cared about as soon as I voiced feelings.  Eventually, he figured it out, though.  I don't think I gave him enough credit, but subtlety never has been my strong suit.  When he figured it out, I told him part of it.  Again, because I didn't want to scare him away.  And it was fine.  He was himself and reassured me.

That was May of 2009.  I spent the next year and a half watching him deal with one girl drama after another, but I was used to it.  He knew I'd always be there to pick up the pieces.  But what he never understood is how much it truly broke my heart every single time I watch him get hurt.  I was lovesick, dreaming of us being together.  I refused to accept the fact that it wasn't possible, even as I watched him fall in love with Simone.

It wasn't until January of this year that I finally told him the 100% truth.  As my friend put it, I "didn't leave any stone unturned."  And again, he was Matt.  His first words, after I told him I was in love with him, were "It's okay. You can share anything with me."  I will never forget that.  Even after he explained his "no" in a lot of depth, things he'd never told me before, my heart still wasn't ready to let it go.  I still wasn't ready to lose hope.

Here's what this rambling is getting to...

I've now given up that hope.  But it's a good thing!  I'm actually completely okay!  I've accepted the truth that Matt and I are just not supposed to be romantically together.  If we were, it would've happened already.  (Is that cheering I hear? :)  I don't know what caused it.  I was just thinking last night, and it hit me.  You all have probably been wanting to scream the exact same information at me for as long as this has been going on, so be happy for me.  :)  I still love him beyond words, but maybe one day soon that love will only be loving him as my best friend.  This was the first necessary step.

This is the first step to really, completely getting over him.  A long time coming, huh? 

Protection

I've had a rather unexpected topic on my mind for a few days.  I guess I'm calling it unexpected because I don't really even remember what brought it on.  But I'm taking the fact that I can't get it out of my head as a sign that I just need to blog about it and get it off my chest.

Because I've grown up without a dad or a male figure in my life for so long, my mom has kind of instilled in me, whether intentionally or not, that I can be independent.  I need to be an independent woman because relying on a man to "save" or "take care of" you will only leave you in a bad situation.  And I think that for the most part, I am a very independent person, obviously aside from how much I've needed my mom from being sick so much. 

But I'm still a girl.  I will always be a hopeless romantic.  I want that guy who is head over heels in love with me, and there's no shame in that. 

The thing is, though, part of me dreams of having a man/husband who wants to protect me and take care of me.  Does that go against all of the lessons on independence that my mother has instilled in me?  Maybe.  All I know is that in my mind, I dream of a man who isn't Matt that gives me the feeling of being protected that Matt always has.  I am very secure in the fact that I don't need a boyfriend or whatever, but there's something about a guy being...well, a man willing to fight on my behalf that is very attractive. 

Does that make sense?  I don't know; I hope so.  It makes sense in my head.

What I'm trying to get to here is this question:  Do you think it's possible to be an independent woman yet still love having a man who is willing to be protective of you?  I'm feeling a little conflicted about it.  I appreciate any and all answers.  You don't have to censor anything with me, as long as what you're saying is in a nice tone. :)

Light at the end of the tunnel.

Here we go again.

It's the end of the weekend.  Sunday night.  Tomorrow begins another week full of the thing I despise most.

Early mornings.  :)

However, this week is different because at least I know that come Friday, I'll get to go home for 3 days.  Gotta love federal holidays. 

It's weird...It feels like it has been so much longer than two weeks since I left.  That's probably because I've barely talked to my mom.  Not on purpose, she's just been very busy with getting back to work and everything, and my semester is crazy and full of not only early days, but long days, too.

That's gonna be really good motivation to be optimistic this week.  Because I really can't wait to get home for a bit.  I really miss Blake.  And it may sound strange but it is a little weird to be in a silent room.  Haha, I know my mom would kill to be in one herself right now, but still. 

I've had a very productive weekend, as I managed to get all my homework done.  However, I also had a fun weekend, as I gave myself a Glee marathon. :)  I have no idea how I managed to watch as many episodes as I did and still do all the work, but I did...Productive and fun.  I call that a success!

That was a hurricane?

If you were a weatherman, and you came to Campbell to survey the evidence of the hurricane, you'd think you'd gone mentally insane.

Why?  Because Buies Creek looks like Hurricane Irene had a giant hole in it.  It barely rained and we've had stronger winds on a sunny October day.

It was ODD.

On the upside, Swansboro and the surrounding areas fared pretty well.  There's still some power outage, but Mom said she drove around town and didn't see anything more serious than downed trees and houses that lost some siding.  For a town ten minutes from the coast, that's really good.  :)

I was amazed that Irene downgraded to a Category 1 before it even made landfall, so that definitely helped. 

Weather is just weird.  Earthquakes, a hurricane, and tornadoes all in the same week!

I'm so relieved that nothing major happened.  I don't think my mom could handle one more ounce of stress right now.

Thanks for praying!  Please keep praying for the rest of the east coast!  :)

PLEASE pray for Swansboro!

I don't remember a hurricane ever actually picking my town as the landfall spot. 

The spot for landfall gets hit the hardest. 

PLEASE be praying for my town and family, and well everyone who lives there.

Buies Creek is in a creek bed, so we'll almost certainly get a nasty flood out of this.  But still, I'm in a dorm built out of cement.  I'm not worried about me.

God is in control...God is in control...God is in control...

I have amazing friends.

Amy texted me a little bit ago and told me to meet her outside because she forgot to give me something last night.  I thought it was kinda odd, but of course I did.

The girl bought me mounting tape because she knew I'd been looking for it and she saw it at Walmart.  And won't let me pay her for it because "it's just a few bucks".  Now, I'm really glad I bought her dinner.  And gave me a Vespers sticker that her friend had and didn't want. 

I just had to document this because God never ceases to show me just how blessed I am.

I almost got beat by a plastic lemon.

This stupid plastic lemon.

All I wanted was to put some lemon juice in my tuna.  That's it!  My mom said I should buy this because it's small and my refrigerator is tiny.  So I did.  Except that was before I knew that the makers of this lemon apparently have no other source of fun in their lives and therefore had to make it ridiculously hard to open. 

I know you can't see it, but the top pops on.  One would think that would be all that is necessary.  Nope.  I didn't know how to get the juice out.  I tried unscrewing it.  Nope.  I tried pulling on it.  Nope.  I tried poking it with a pen.  I got so irritated I texted Mom and she couldn't help me.  She suggested trying to poke the hole with scissors. 

Finally, I remembered that I had a second one, and it still had the tag on it, which had directions.  "Pop on lid. Poke through hole with pin."  Of course. 

Frustrated, I tried poking the pen through that one and it worked!

Hallelujah.  Because it really wouldn't have been good for my confidence if I'd gotten beaten by a plastic lemon.

I don't have one of those inside, and I don't think I want to.

(I'm speaking to Dr. Steegar, my French professor, in French about a thought of mine relating to a reading from our homework.)

Me:  Les Français, en général...
Dr S: Give me a better r.  Général.
Me:  Général.
Dr. S:  No, from the throat.  Don't move your lips.
Ryann:  It's like you're hissing.  *makes noise*
Me:  *attempts noise*
Dr. S:  Come on, Mal, let your inner cat out.

I missed Gaylord.

Hey, that got your attention, didn't it? ;)

Gaylord would be our mascot. 

Oh yes, our mascot is a camel named Gaylord.  I didn't even know that was really used as a name outside of the Meet the Parents trilogy until I got to this school.

Maybe he only comes out for football games?  He is quite hilarious, a very good mascot.

The soccer game was good. 3-0 Campbell, and it would've been Ryann's third consecutive shut-out if her jerk of a coach hadn't taken her out for no reason in the last few minutes.  (And those are her words, not mine.)  And I got to see Kyle, which was nice.  He actually sat with me, too, and I was a little surprised since he didn't seem like he would when we talked Monday.  It felt fantastic outside, too, once the sun set behind the trees.

The most hilarious part of the night was when a woman sitting behind us at the game asked me...wait for it......if I had a daughter playing on the team.  Now, I'm VERY used to people thinking I'm much older than I am, but I have never had someone be nearly that far off before!!  And no matter how many times it happens, it never gets old. :)

I got to have dinner with Amy beforehand, too.  I bought her dinner for her.  She was incredibly surprised, but I paid for it with the Camel Bucks I get on my meal plan, so it really didn't cost me a dime. ;) Ha!  Plus, I mean, I thought it'd be nice after all the driving me around she has done for free.

Even though I hate it, I think I'm gonna have to go to bed with wet hair tonight.  I forgot my blowdryer at home, and 6:30 is way too early for me to wait for my hair to dry on its own.

6:30 am should be illegal.

(This post is a lot shorter than I originally planned because Blogger decided to screw up and delete all but two lines when I hit publish.)

Because of course, the first day that I have to wake up that early will be directly after the first night of the semester where I have massive insomnia.

French at 8:00 this morning was not fun.  French in general, however is.  I felt like an idiot because I couldn't remember things I definitely should have known, but that's what summer does to everyone.  The other girls in the class were in the same boat, and Dr. Steegar is awesome and understanding.  Plus, Ryann's in that class which is always good because of how close we've gotten. 

Speaking of Ryann, I'm going to see her play soccer tomorrow night at 7.  I can't remember if I've mentioned it, but she's the goalie on the Campbell Women's soccer team.  And she's apparently a BEAST on the field.  I'm excited to see it, considering how much I love soccer.  I'm grateful that Amy is driving me back to the field because in relation to my dorm, it is seriously as far as you can possibly go away and still be on campus. I'm pretty sure if I walked there a) I'd have to leave at 6:00 and b) wouldn't be conscious for the game.  Haha!  And Kyle's coming.

I had my first music class today, too.  The professor is Bulgarian, so he has an awesome accent.  And he seems very chill.  Not only did he cancel the first day of class last week, he let us out today as soon as he finished talking about the syllabus.  40% us our grade is tests, and 60% is attending 10 of the many (like 25 or so) concerts the music department puts on throughout the semester.  All we have to do is show up and fill out a little orange card.  AND if we attend 6 or more by the beginning of November, we don't have to take the final!! Which is totally awesome.

So now that I've actually been to all of my classes, I am really only stress about two of the six, which is really good for me. :p I'm worried about English because of the giant research paper, and Scope & Methods because of the huge project.  But it'll work out.  I'm honestly surprised at how low my stress level has been so far.

Did I mention I love this school??? :)

Listen to this. Please?

I know I don't exactly have an unbiased opinion, seeing as how my love for Glee isn't exactly a secret, but seriously, please listen to this song. Everything about it is gorgeous. It's from the Broadway musical Wicked, but Glee is the reason I first heard the song.  I didn't obsess over it at first, really, but for some reason, I now play it over and over and over.  I added the lyrics at the bottom. Enjoy.



I'm limited (just look at me)
I'm limited, and just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you (for both of us)
Now it's up to you

I've heard it said that people come into our lives
For a reason, bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those who help us most to grow
If we let them, and we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood
Who can say if I have been changed for the better
But because I knew you, I have been changed for good

It well may be that we will never meet again
In this lifetime, so let me say before we part
So much of me is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart
And now, whatever way our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend

Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood
Who can say if I have been changed for the better
But because I knew you, I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air, I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know there's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun
(Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea)
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood
(Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood)

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better.
And because I knew you
Because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good.

351 in 48

A 171 page book for State & Local.

100 pages of introduction and Beowulf for English.

48 pages of articles for Scope & Methods.

32 pages for US History.

I have read all of that in the past 48 hours.  Oh, AND I did my laundry.

I like being productive.  It's kinda fun.  And my gut is telling me every weekend till the end of the semester is going to be like this.

Apparently, Holly's got a new boyfriend.  She and said boyfriend actually went home for 24 hours earlier this week (don't remember the day) and he passed the Mom test, so I hope I get to meet him sooner or later.  I did some Facebook stalking, and he is rather attractive.  Good for her.  She needs a nice guy who wants to take care of her around.

The only thing left on my schedule for the rest of the night is to curl up in bed and relax.  It's not a surprise in the slightest, but I have a headache after all this reading.  Good night and sweet dreams.

Repeat after me: I love this school.

I can't even think about blogging right now.  I can't think because my next door neighbor has been BLASTING music ALL. DAY. LONG and she won't quit even though quiet hours started at 10:00 and I can't find an RA or our RD to make her stop. And every song she plays sounds EXACTLY THE SAME.  They all have obnoxious bass lines and drums that overpower everything else, and they're so repetitive that it's like I can hear them playing over and over again in my head even on the rare occasion that she turns them off.  I hope this isn't a sign that she's going to be this rude all year long because it's going to get really old really fast.  Oh wait...it already got old.  It's inching closer and closer to death and decomposition.

Plus, there's the fact that I have read 209 pages so far today (which is a miracle in itself considering how hard it has been to focus with that music), and I still need to read 32 more before I go to bed, and I have reading to do tomorrow.  I really do love college, though, I promise.  And more specifically, I love Campbell.  I love my professors, and my advisor is so kind and helpful.  Here, it really feels like the faculty and staff make sure you know that they care, that you're not just an ID number to them.  AND I love the fact that I officially added my French double major yesterday and my French professor was totally thrilled about it.  :)

Now I'm going to try to finish these 32 pages as I eat a snack and pray that this chick does not keep me up all night long.

It's the simple things.

Today is 2 days short of 22 months since the day I shaved my head, after 6 brain surgeries that left me without much hair anyway.

Today is the first day that I am able to do this:

No, it's not great.  

Yes, there are quite a few strands of hair loose.

But I am ridiculously happy.

I hated being bald. Hated it.  I felt like everywhere I went, people were staring at me, wondering why I looked the way I did.

This is me, exactly one week before the first surgery.  I liked my hair like that, at the time.  But after the surgeries, once all of my hair was gone, I decided I was going to grow my hair out long again, as some sort of rebellion against what had happened.  I know that sounds weird, but it made (makes?) sense to me.

Hair is probably a very superficial thing to be excited about for most people, but it doesn't feel superficial to me.  To me, it's a sign of my survival.  That I survived having my whole world flipped upside down for four months.  That I survived six brain surgeries.  That, simply, I am still alive.  And I'm getting my life back.

And that, my friends, is a simple, beautiful thing to celebrate today.

Mal : heat :: oil : water

Remember having to answer analogy questions in high school? :)  I loved having to answer those on the SAT.

Heat and I, we seriously just do not mix.  Which makes the fact that I live in North Carolina really unfortunate.  It's been above 90 degrees since the beginning of May, and was above 100 most of July. 

Today, I got up at 9:20 and started getting ready for my class at 11:00, Music Appreciation.  Because I absolutely have to eat breakfast, it takes me longer than most people.  Plus I'm just slow in the mornings because of how much I am NOT a morning person.  The class is, naturally, in the Fine Arts Building, which is pretty much on the opposite side of campus from my dorm.  I left at 10:30 because I've never been in this building before, so I wanted to make sure I had plenty of time to find the classroom.  It took me about 12 minutes to walk there.  Another guy entered the building the same time that I did, and we both headed for the office that was right by the entrance to ask where to go.  Apparently we're in the same class, because he asked for the same place that I needed.  The woman, whom I did not see, answered him, "Oh Scott Concert Hall?  Dr. P is not back from town yet, so you're free today.  He will have class on Tuesday.

Seriously.  I got up and got ready, walked all the way across campus and got nasty sweaty and gross, only to have to turn around and walk all the way back.  Thank heavens I decided to wear my tennis shoes because my feet would've been killing me in flip flops after 25 minutes of straight walking.  Most teachers email students when they cancel class, but he didn't.  But hey, if this is a sign of how he is the rest of the semester, I think I might just like this class. :p

By the time I got back to my room, I was soaked and literally dripping with sweat and so lightheaded that all I could do was lay down and fall asleep again till 12:40.  Then I woke up, ate lunch, and went to State & Local Government at 2:00.  I'm not worried about that class.  The professor seems nice.

Tomorrow, I only have two classes and am done at 11:50.  That's a pretty solid start to the weekend, during which I will have a good deal of reading to do, so I hope I sleep well tonight.

The good kind of surprise.

I have never been this calm after the first day of school, like ever.  It's kind of freaky!  Especially considering the fact that this is the biggest workload that I've ever had.  But really, I feel rather confident about four out of my six classes, so I think that is a big help.  I really, really appreciate God giving me peace today. 

Another good surprise?  Walmart gave me a $10 giftcard yesterday for no reason whatsoever.  I went to buy printer ink and as the cashier was ringing it up, the register kept beeping as she tried over and over again, and then for some reason, she swiped a gift card through.  I had no idea really what was going on once I paid with my debit card, and then all of a sudden she handed me a giftcard and said, "It gave you $10."  I've never seen that happen before to anyone!

So yeah.  Right now?  I'm good. :)

Never again.

I got nachos from the campus Mexican place tonight for dinner.  Bad idea.

I am never ordering those again.  I have spent the last 3 hours feeling about two seconds away from puking.  Bleck.

And on top of that, I went to get my new ID made and my hair looked like crap and I didn't know it.  But I certainly am not going to pay $15 to make a new one.

So today is not very high on my list of awesome days.

However, classes begin tomorrow and I'm always kind of excited for the first day, so that's something to look forward to.  Plus, I get to have dinner with my friend Elizabeth.  Not Mexican, that's for sure.

G'night.  I'm watching Pretty Little Liars and hitting the sack.  Sleep is lovely.

Delivery

Yep, that's about as creative as I can get with a title tonight, thanks to the fact that God decided to uhhh...bless me with a migraine that started the minute I woke up and hasn't stopped.  But anyway, I'm here to deliver on the promise that I would deliver tonight an update about yesterday and today.

So....yesterday.

Well I woke up at 10:30 to get ready for the day and eat and finish packing the last minute stuff.  I woke Mom up at 11 but she didn't get up till 11:30, surprise surprise.  Shane arrived somewhere around then; I'm not sure when because I found him sitting in his truck when I was taking out the trash. (He does that often. I can't figure out why he won't just come inside when he arrives, even if it is before the time he said he'd arrive.  We wouldn't care.)  We juggled feeding/taking care of Blake with loading the truck, but thankfully I got to do most of the Blake work because it's so freaking hot outside.  Shane was actually there because he agreed to watch Blake for the afternoon till Chelsea got off work.  Mom and I were SO grateful for that; we were thinking we'd have to take him with us and it would've made things so much more complicated.  Shane really is a good guy, at least as far as I can tell.

We left at 12:10 only to drive down the road outside of our neighborhood and realize that we forgot my few refrigerated items.  So we drove back and Shane brought them out for us.  We stopped to pick up Bojangles for lunch in Jacksonville, and again at a gas station halfway between home and school to get some water.  We arrived at Campbell about 2:40, and found out that Amy brought her friend and a girl I know, Laura, to help us, too.  I had to fill out a bit of paperwork before I could get my key, so I did that, and then we realized that, once again, the furniture was not removed from my room like it was supposed to be.  Mom, Amy, and Laura started unloading the things from the truck while I went to deal with that, and then we moved the beds and desk into the lobby for staff to come pick up.  Holly and her friend Austin (he had to drive her because her car is still screwed up) arrived at 3:00, and by then, the truck was empty, so we all headed to the storage unit.  Luckily, a) it's right down the road, and b) Laura has a car that's about as big as a station wagon.  We were able to get everything except for my mattress and boxspring in one load.  We spent a couple hours unloading and unpacking everything.  Amy and Laura left a little after 4.  Mom and Holly and Austin stayed to help me hang posters and stuff.  They left somewhere between 5:15 and 5:30, only to find that Austin's car wouldn't start (my mom called Holly a car jinx :p) so Mom had to drive them back to Raleigh before she could go home.  I spent the rest of the night unpacking and organizing things, relaxing, and taking a nice, long, hot shower, which felt beyond amazing considering how sweaty and gross I was.

Today, I got up at 9:15 because I had plans to go to the bookstore, get new IDs, and eat lunch and hang out with Morgan, but she texted about 10:00 and had to change the plans, cancelling the bookstore and IDs, and said she'd come pick me up for lunch at 12:30.  I went back to sleep till 11:45 (I know that's late but I was still so exhausted from yesterday!)  We went back to her place, and she made me this amazing pita pocket with turkey, pesto, spinach, and vinaigrette (and maybe something else, I don't remember) that was so ridiculously good.  And healthy, too! :)  We hung out and talked till 1:45, but then she had to go talk to someone about a possible job, so she dropped me off at the bookstore on her way.  I brought my bookbag with me to carry my books back to my dorm more easily.  Finding the books was easy; getting the whole "there's a special account under Jack Britt's name that will let me get my books and my uncle will pay for them later" thing straightened out was not.  But it eventually did, and that's all that matters.  I have to wait for my French book because they were out, but that's okay because Dr. Steegar doesn't want to start class till next week, anyway.  I basically did nothing for the rest of the night.  Today and tomorrow will be my last days of freedom for a long time, so I might as well enjoy it!  I almost freaked out when I tried to print something today, but the crisis was averted.  When I inserted the printer installation CD, it said it could not install because my computer did not meet the minimum requirements.  It said the printer was for Windows XP and Vista, and my computer is the newest program, Windows 7.  Basically, my printer was made before Windows 7 existed, so it didn't recognize it.  Thankfully, Mom told me you can download your printer driver off the internet, so I did that, and it worked...until I realized I was out of ink. Ha!  Always has to be something.  So Amy's taking me to get ink tomorrow :).  Before that I'm gonna grab lunch and go get my new ID made, and swipe it at one of the designated locations in order to confirm my schedule.  Otherwise my schedule would get deleted, and that would really suck!

But for now, I'm gonna eat a late snack, and go to bed.  My apologies for this delivery not being made in under 30 minutes. ;)

The status can speak for itself.

Since I am MAJORLY EXHAUSTED from moving in today, I will let my Facebook status tell you all that needs to be said for now, and let you know that I will give a nice big update tomorrow.  Forgive me.  The day was physically brutal.

My last night.

Holy crap.

How is it already 2:30 am???

I feel like we just left the house ten minutes ago, and that was at 4:30 pm.

My grandma had her surgery this afternoon and it went well, so sigh of relief on that end.  Which means, oh yes, I am leaving tomorrow.  Here's what my evening was: leave at 4:30, drive 45 minutes to hospital, visit with my grandma and Uncle Kirk, leave with Uncle Kirk and go eat Mexican food, drive back to Swansboro and switch vehicles to get his truck, go to Walgreens and buy water (yay sales!), drive home and unload water, go to Walmart 35 minutes away, shop (90 minutes or so), drive home, realize truck doesn't fit in garage, unload truck, unpack stuff for the house, take a shower, fold laundry, finish packing my suitcases, organize food I bought at Walmart, move all my stuff into the living room, and then collapse.  And probably something else that I forgot. 

So yes. I am exhausted, especially considering I'd been up doing other stuff for 6 hours before we left.  My feet are still throbbing and I've been sitting down for 30 minutes.

Now, I'm going to try to get a good night's sleep because tomorrow is going to be even more brutal in this heat.  I am very grateful, however, that Shane is coming over to babysit Blake for the day because that will make all our work so much less complicated.  And Holly and her friend Austin are coming, and Amy is helping so it shouldn't take incredibly long.

Okay, I'm all typed out.  Good night! :)

Attention!

I DO NOT THINK I'M PERFECT!

I thought I'd make that crystal clear for all of you because, despite the fact that I've never once said anything of the such, that's what my mother accused me of today.

I am SO TIRED of this crap.  The woman is perfectly okay with pointing out every single flaw she can find in me or Chelsea or anyone else, yet she goes absolutely ballistic if I dare to point out one of hers.  And trust me, I can't talk to her about this calmly because she refuses to believe that she ever does anything wrong or anything to contribute to the problems in this house.

At this rate, I'm doubting I'll come home for Labor Day weekend, because I really just can't deal with this anymore. 

Oh, and my grandma's procedure was fine.  They got the stones out of her bile duct, but we don't know when her surgery will be yet.  Thus, I don't know when I'm leaving.

I think I'm just going to curl up in bed with my iPod and block out the rest of the world for the night.

Dear God, I need a big favor.

Could You like, a) keep my grandma safe in her procedure tomorrow and b) make her bloodwork clear up either tomorrow night so she can get her gall bladder taken out on Saturday, or clear up Sunday so she can get her gall bladder taken out on Monday?  Okay, I know that was two favors, but really.  If she ends up having this surgery on Sunday, I won't be able to move back to Campbell that day, because duh, my mom is gonna want to be here when her 73-year-old mother has surgery.  And if I don't move to Campbell that day it's going to complicate things in a thousand ways, and my mom and I cannot figure out how we'll make it work.  Please?  Thank you.  I mean, I know You're in control, and I'm trying really, really hard not to stress, but that's just not very easy for a girl like me.  Plus, I'd like to have one return to Campbell that wasn't complicated in some way, shape or form.  Love, ME

That's basically the deal with my grandma, y'all.  She's got a gall stone stuck in some duct in her pancreas, so they have to go in and vacuum (essentially) it out.  BUT they have to do it in a separate procedure because it can make the pancreas even more inflamed than it already is.  And there's some level they measure in bloodwork about her pancreas (I have no idea what it's called), so that's what I refer to when I say the bloodwork needs to clear up.

I don't like stress.  And I feel angry.  But it's not like I'm angry at any specific person because it's not like anyone could help this, it's just I'm angry that my life and my family's life is so complicated all the dang time.  And yes, I know that's stupid and pretty selfish, but it is what it is, and I have to let it all out somewhere.  So thanks for reading.

If only birth was really like this.

I love Jimmy Kimmel. The end.

Sweet boy.

I thought Blake was just watching TV.  He's often still and silent when he's enthralled by whatever is on Nick Jr.  He was on his chair, so I couldn't see his face from the recliner.  When I finally moved to check on him, this is what I found.

What an angel.  Nothing cuter than a little one sleeping.  Man, I love this kid. :)

It's a good thing I don't believe in curses.

Otherwise, I might think our family had one. 

My mom had to take my grandma to the hospital tonight.  She said she was having bad chest pains or something, but she described it to my mom and Mom thinks it's her gall bladder.

This would make her the fourth woman in my family to need her gall bladder taken out, the third in 13 months.
Mom - 2003
Chelsea - July 2010
Aunt Donna - April 2011

Weird, no?  My mom suggested (as a joke) that I get mine taken out as a precautionary measure.

If you could say a prayer that whatever this is turns out all right, I'd appreciate it. 

4 days.

PRETTY!

We did end up going to Wilmington today. I kinda figured after a while it was a case of "Mom didn't really mean what she said", but Mom didn't officially say it till we were on the way back from taking Blake to daycare.  And then we went to my family doctor's office where I waited 20 minutes to get a blood draw that takes one minute and didn't even get it done because we had to get home for Mommom to pick us to go to Wilmington because Chelsea had an 11:00 appointment at the bridal shop today.  (WHOA BABY, that was a really long sentence. Sorry! Too tired to care.)

Chelsea got her dress!  Of course, I'm not allowed to show it to you, sorry, but I will tell you that it is GORGEOUS.

And I got my maid of honor dress.  I'm calling it that because it is different from the rest of the bridesmaids' dresses because I need a long dress because I have to wear flats (I have zero balance, something you need with heels) and it's apparently some sort of law that if you have a short dress you have to wear heels. (Wow, another long sentence! What is wrong with me tonight?)

Anyway, the point is, I got my dress, and it is PERFECT.  I am SO stoked to wear it!!  Look!

I am THRILLED, with both the dress and the color.  We actually got it down to two colors, this (called Malibu) and a much more muted, duller blue (called Cornflower).  Chelsea and the bridal consultant (who was AWESOME) really wanted the Cornflower and Mom and I were in love with the Malibu, and somehow Mom convinced Chelsea to let Shane decide.  And even more amazing than that is that Chelsea didn't go into a massive rage when Shane picked Malibu.  I'm glad he did.  I know, I know, it's Chelsea's wedding, and I honestly would wear any color she asked me to and wouldn't complain, but I'm happy. 

Plus we found the style for the rest of the bridesmaids and got information aboutt renting tuxedos for the guys, and there was minimal fighting (trust me, it's impossible to go an entire day in this family without arguing about something), so I'd call it a successful day. :)

Unwanted Tests and Changing Plans

Holly's car won't start.  Thus, she can't come home.

And on top of that, Chelsea and Mom decided to get into World War 3 on the way home from picking Blake up from daycare (thankfully, I wasn't with them).  Mom has spent half the night crying and half the night ranting about how she's not going to help with Chelsea's wedding and spend a bunch of money while she continues to treat her like crap.  So this mysterious fight must've been bad, because in almost two months of Chelsea and Shane being engaged, she hasn't said that until today.  And now we're not going to Wilmington tomorrow to go dress shopping like we were supposed to, although I think Holly not being here factors into that decision a tiny bit.

The "test" is the fact that they both have repeatedly tried to drag me into the middle of their fight today, by expecting me to deliver messages to each other so I have to listen to them yell at me.  I told them both that I am not going to be a dang messenger and they need to leave me the heck out of it, since every other time they fight they yell at me for getting involved.  It's like I can't win.

To be completely, I'm really proud of myself for not only not getting in the middle of it, but for standing up for myself and telling them to leave me alone.  I can't think of one other time where that's happened.

Basically, I'm come to the realization that I have to stop fooling myself into thinking that I can fix anything about this family.  I can't fix them.  And furthermore, it's not my responsibility to fix them.  I am the kind of person who hates problems and wants to solve them and fix any pain I see, and I just can't do that anymore.  It's going to kill me. 

I haven't cried today, which is rather unusual for me, but hey, I'll take it. 

Six days.

This has to be a joke.

On top of already feeling like crap, I got my period today. While taking the Provera pills.

It is a rather common side effect, but still.  This sucks.

One week till school! :)

And one day till Holly arrives. :)

Might as well focus on the good news, right?

Surprisingly Good Timing

So last week Dr. M, my gynecologist, gave me a second antibiotic for the BV.  Well, due to various things, Mom only picked it up yesterday.

And I woke up today with a major sore throat and sinus infection.  I basically feel like I've been hit by a truck. This antibiotic is something I've been on before for chronic sinus infections.  So basically, if I had to get sick, this couldn't have worked out better.

Sometimes technology annoys me.

I bought a bunch of blank DVDs last week so I could burn the TV shows I have in my iTunes library to them.  This way, if anything ever happens to this computer (*knock on wood*) I won't have to deal with losing all the shows I have and all the money I've spent on them won't go to waste. 

The idea seemed simple enough.  I mean, I know how to work iTunes, I know how to burn discs, I know how to burn discs in iTunes, so I should have no problem, right?
Wrong.  I got one disc complete (discs can only hold so much, so this has to be done on multiple DVDs), and now am on the fourth try of getting the second disc to work.  Apparently, if you accidentally hit the button to open the CD drive in the middle of a burn, it renders the entire disc forever useless. Forever.  That's lame.  And it happened TWICE, because I am a complete dork.  I have no idea what the heck happened the third time, but I really need this to work this time because a) I need to go to bed soon, and b) I only bought 15 discs!

On the other hand, my life is pretty freakin' awesome if this is my biggest problem tonight.  :)

I got up at 7:30 and did laundry, laundry, and more laundry.  And then some last minute picking up before the carpet guy arrived at 11:30.  He did an amazing job!  I just want it to hurry up and dry so I can get the house all organized again.  It should be dry tomorrow.

I'm gonna sleep good tonight.  Four and a half hours of sleep plus the crazy amount of work that Mom and I did today?  Oh yes, I'll sleep like a log. 

If only these dics would hurry up... :)

Cleaning days are exhausting.

My mother informed me this morning that we have people coming to clean our carpets tomorrow.

So that means, not only do we have to do all of our regular weekly cleaning jobs, we have to clean this house from top to bottom and get everything possible off the floor in every room.

As exhausting as that sounds, add a massive migraine on top of it, and you have my day today.

Oh well.  Our carpets desperately need it.  Plus, my mom made lemon  rosemary chicken tonight, so that makes up for it. :D

And awesome news: My friend Amy said that she's moving into her apartment early so she'll be able to help us on move-in day and we don't have to pay Shane to come! :)

10 days and counting!!! :)

Unconditional Love

I am such a dork.  Two hours with my best friend and all I can think is that I give myself way too much crap.  I completely overreacted about the state of things with Matt.  Per usual.  Why exactly do I do that to myself?  Because of course, he then shows up and reminds me that um, no, things are not going to change between us, no, he's not mad at me, and yes, he will always love me despite the fact that I'm a bit crazy sometimes.

We understand each other so well, it's a little scary sometimes.  We can finish each other's sentences.  And I've come to realize that our relationship isn't special because we never fight, our relationship is special because we don't let anything change what we have.  We love each other like family, we fight like family, we laugh together like family.

I am so thankful to God for giving me him, I can't even begin to explain it.  When my family is telling me what a bad person I am, he's there to tell me he thinks I'm amazing.  When I'm upset, he's there to help me focus on being rational about it.  When I need a good reality check, he's there to give it to me.  He's the only person I can completely and openly talk to about my family life, because he's the only friend I have in this town and thus, he's the only one who truly knows what it's like.  You can only explain something to an outsider so much, you know?

He knows things will be different after I go back to school.  He's well aware of the fact that he's the only one I can trust here, that he's the only one who can understand my life because he's been there to live it with me. And he doesn't care.  I am in awe of his love for me.  He loves me without conditions, without expectations, without limits.  He loves me right where I am.  It gives me the slightest glimpse into how much God loves me, and it also makes me realize that God must be so sad all the times that I've taken it for granted. 

Loving someone despite themselves is a hard thing to do.  When it's human nature to judge, and be angry, and stay mad over miniscule things, the fact that I have a friend like this in the middle of nowhere, North Carolina, a friend who has seen me through 16 surgeries and countless other problems, makes me so unbelievably lucky. 

God, thank you.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  Thank you for Matt.  Thank you for giving me a night with him.  Thank you for giving me a night to be myself and just laugh. 

Unconditional love is, without a doubt, the most beautiful thing in the world.

At least it's too small instead of too big.

Because that is certainly a first in my life.

I went to the orthodontist today.  Somehow, in 36 hours and while wearing the temporary retainer my doctor gave me in case of situations like this, my teeth still moved.  And not only did they move, they moved enough that I couldn't get my retainer just glued back on.  I get to deal with two months of another dang plastic removable retainer.  Which is especially fun, considering it took me more than two years the last time this permanent retainer fell out to get my teeth back to the correct place in order to get a new permanent one.

But the good news is, it wasn't my fault.  Dr. R said that the teeth had obviously been moving even while my permanent retainer was on.  Apparently, the teeth on each side of my two front teeth is too small, and that makes it hard for the permanent retainer to do its job.  I've never had anything on my body be too small before!  Even my uterus lining is too big!  Hahaha.

So that is that.  I'm bored.  This family is frustrating.

Oh, and also apparently I've left Matt alone long enough because today I texted him because Mom wanted me to invite him to dinner, and he initiated a conversation and said he'd come over tomorrow without me mentioning having to do with that.  So hm, whatever, at least he's done being dramatic.  If things are back to normal, I'm not going to stress myself out wondering what was wrong.

There we go.  Good night, peeps.

I'm hoping it was just a bad glue job.

My mother has always told me that I'm stronger than I look.  I've always considered myself rather weak, and rightfully so considering how badly nineteen surgeries can hinder your ability to gain muscle strength, so I never really believed her all that much. 

This is relevant because Sunday night, I was flossing my teeth.  Wait, that's redundant, what else would I be flossing?  Anyway, it took me a while to get the floss threader through my teeth under my top permanent retainer because my stupid gums stay horribly swollen all of the time.  When I finally got it through and tried to start flossing, I heard a pop.  I looked down and there on the counter sat my permanent retainer.

Like seriously, I have no idea how that happened.  I had no idea it was even loose until it fell out.  I called my orthodontist, but they couldn't fit me in today.  So I'm going tomorrow afternoon.  It's a little annoying to feel the dried glue on the back of my teeth, but hey, at least this happened now and not in three weeks when I'm back at school.  And I can go shopping for the last few items that I forgot without dragging Mom out of the house in the heat an extra trip.

The good news is the appointment isn't till 3:00 so I don't have to wake up early.  I want to enjoy every late sleep that I can get here at the end.