Yay presents. Boo heat.

Spending the day with Mom was really nice.  That is, at least in the sense that we didn't fight and spent most of the time being goofy and cracking up laughing at each other.

The downside?  It's June. In North Carolina. June in North Carolina means one thing....brutal heat.  Today was so bad that after we ate lunch, which was a salad I've eaten a thousand times before and has never made me sick, I spent the next four hours going in and out of stores with a major case of an upset stomach and nausea so strong that it also made me feel like I was going to pass out.  So of course, every store we went to looking for one thing Mom needed ended up having a major sale that made the visit take three times as long as it should have but it's okay. 

She kinda spoiled me today.  Not only did she buy me the two poster frames that were my birthday present, she got me two Paris posters, a new pair of Reebok Easytones (which are like walking on pillows, I swear!), and three pairs of shorts that were on sale.  There's just no stopping that woman when she sees a good bargain. :)

Let's see, we dropped Blake off at daycare about 8:30 went to JCPenney, two different Belks, Target, Walmart, Bed Bath & Beyond, Marshall's, Shoe Carnival, Sprint, the electric company, and O'Charley's for lunch.  All in the span of seven hours or so.  Needless to say, I am extremely exhausted.  But hey, at least I'm not sick to my stomach anymore!

2011 is already half over.  That's a little crazy to think about, isn't it?

Hooray!

Tomorrow is my favorite day of the month!  MOM GETS PAID.

And not only is it payday, we're having a girl's day.

Which means I get to do something fun.

And spend alone time with Mom (because Chelsea doesn't want to go).

I just hope my insomnia doesn't give me trouble tonight.

(Watch, I just jinxed myself. Because that is just my luck.)

Today was a bore.

Hence, so is my blog.

Good night.

Yes, I admit I was wrong.

For the past few years, whenever I heard really athletic and active people tell me that exercise was like therapy for them, I'd roll my eyes.  Yeah, right, I would think to myself.  It sounded crazy, like something they were just saying to try and entice me to do it myself.

Yeah, well, guess what.  I now agree with them.

It's only been a week of me doing this bike riding, and even though it still hurts my lower back a bit (and I assume it will for a while, those muscles have had a lot of issues!), I actually really enjoy this.  I don't enjoy the sweating, don't get me wrong, but I like the feel of getting my heart pumping hard, and the satisfaction of completing my goal.  I hope that this is a sign that I'll want to stick with it!

It's also nice to just sit down, put my earphones in my ears, and just ride.  Ir's pretty difficult to just completely block out the world in this house, but it seems that if I tell my mom I'm gonna ride the bike, she'll actually leave me alone.  Everyone needs some time like that, you know?

So yeah.  That is going really well. :)  I'm pretty excited, which is also a brand new feeling for me when you're talking about the word "exercise."

Also, a moment that is totally out of character for me during the summer?  This night owl actually went to bed at 12:30 last night and got up for the day at 9:30.  I know, that's probably LATE for some of you, but for me to do that on summer vacation when I have no appointments or anywhere to be, that's just weird.  And because of that, I'm pretty tired right now!  Maybe this will be a change, too....we'll see. I do love my sleep. :)

I don't know what's going on in my head right now.

I feel like I wanna cry right now, and it doesn't really make sense because today things were okay.  The bit of Chelsea/Mom screaming at each other was very expected and the same kind of crap I always hear about.  So it was a typical day.

I'm not PMSing.  My period was last week and for the past few months, I've actually been kind of regular (I apologize if that's TMI for anyone, but this is pretty much my diary).

Frankly, I have no idea what the heck is going on.  I feel like I'm going insane.  Maybe it's just the fact that I'm completely over this town.  I'm over the people here.  Chelsea and her drama is so stressful that sometimes it feels like Mom and Blake aren't even worth coming home anymore.  Constantly feeling like you're suffocating is no way to live, but at least for the summer, I don't have anywhere to go. 

I know I've been acting like I'm on a rollercoaster lately.  The tone of this blog has been a rollercoaster.  But that's because I feel like my life is on a giant rollercoaster and I have no idea what is coming with each twist and turn.  I don't know what my life is going to be like from day to day living with Chelsea.  A psychic wouldn't even be able to tell you that.  She is without a doubt the most unpredictable person I know at a time in my life when I am desperately searching for something or someone I can routinely rely on.  And right now, it feels like the only thing I can rely on is the fact that God is holding me.  Why is that not enough to comfort me?

I've got to figure out a way to make it to August 14th.  I have to remember that this is not the rest of my life.  If I can just make it back to college, and I can continue college, I can make it to the rest of my life.  A place where I at the very least feel like I can breathe normally and be myself and not have to worry so darn much. 

A day at a time.  I've got to just take life a day at a time.  That's all I can mentally and emotionally afford right now.

Five

As in I lost FIVE pounds this week.

I kinda freaked out when my mom read the scale. 

FIVE POUNDS.  Writing it out still makes me happy.  :)

And considering I didn't exercise last Sunday or Monday and only managed to get in 4 hours on the bike this week, I can't WAIT to see what the results will be next week because I plan on doing an hour a day every day.

I was getting a little pessimistic this week, so God must've known this would be just the kind of encouragement I needed.

Five pounds! YAY!

No. Please no.

I'm scared I'm getting sick.

I feel okay right now, except for my throat.  There's a stabbing pain in the right side.  It hurts to swallow.  It's also kind of hard to do so.  It's like there's a lump in there.  When I eat, I get scared I'm going to choke because when I swallow food it feels like it completely clogs up.

I've already been sick once this summer. I really don't want to get sick again.  But considering I slept pretty much all day long, I don't know what to think.  Maybe it's stress?  Things have been a particularly horrendous level of frustrating here.

I think I'll just go to bed.  I'm bored of being awake.

Another day, another marathon.

Okay, so I didn't actually run the marathon.

I biked it.

Yes, ladies and gents, I biked 26.4 miles in one hour today.

Lest I be causing any confusion, this is not a regular bike.  This is a stationary bike.  Because of all the nerve damage I have in my right arm and right leg and the brain damage, I've never been able to learn how to ride a bike.  Balance is kind of a crucial part of that, and I have ZERO.

All that aside, I'm pretty freakin' stoked right now.  And surprisingly enough, I don't hurt very much, either.  Granted, that may change by tomorrow morning, but I'm good right now.

I seriously have to get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight.  Mom and I didn't get to bed till 4 am last night, and then Chelsea woke me up at 9:30.  Five and a half hours of sleep doesn't work for me.

Good night, people.  (And three cheers for New York!!)

I'm done playing games.

(Don't worry.  This isn't anger-driven like this post.)

Okay, well, basically, I'm too tired to come up with a long, flowy, poetic introduction, so I'm gonna cut the crap and get right to the point:

This is the year that I'm determined to get my life back.

On top of this weight loss journey that I've embarked on this summer, I'm more determined than ever to reclaim the life I know that I was meant to have.  Before all the medical drama and everything that became a result of the surgeries and sickness and yada yada yada, I was a completely different person.  I'm not saying that I want to totally change who I am, because I know that everything I went through has made me a stronger and better person, but I want to get back to the girl who was confident and happy 24/7 and didn't feel like crap about herself.

I guess this pretty much ties back to my year of peace that I spoke about in January.  But not only am I finding more peace with my life and all the drama that it entails, I'm slowly finding more and more peace with myself.  This year is the first time in my entire life where I feel like I have some real genuine and caring friends (other than Matt, of course) that I can rely on, and I don't have to sit and worry about what I'm doing wrong and why I make people hate me or whatever.  I have always said that I didn't care what people thought about me, but if we're being honest, I think everybody cares, at least to some extent.  But at this point in my life, I'm actually really okay with who I am, and it doesn't bother me as much when someone has a problem with me.  All of my real friends tell me I'm one of the nicest people they've ever met, and I know that I can be secure in that.  I'm finding peace with who I am and loving myself to a whole new extent. 

So I give up on the games.  I give up on trying to make things right with people who have no interest in doing so.  I give up on the excuses on why I can't lose weight (some of which are true, but I've been using them and not really trying like I've needed to).  I give up on worrying about making everyone else happy before I worry about myself.  I give up on not worrying about myself.  I'm done trying to please other people when it winds up with me being miserable in the long run.

It's long past time that I get my life back, that I get back to the life that I know God wants for me.  I'm going to fight like hell to win this battle.  Just like I always do.

Wish me luck.

Putting Myself Out There

Okay, here's something I can't believe I'm actually doing.  A blogger I read frequently, Kelly, is hosting Show Us Your Singles Friday, and I feel like no risk, no reward.  So here it goes...I'm not exactly that great at talking about myself, but I'll try.

I'm Mallory. 

I'm 19, and I live in North Carolina. 

First and foremost, I love God.  I want to find a guy who loves Him even more than he loves me.

I'm from the coast but currently go to college at a small school in the middle of the state.  I'm a Political Science - International Relations and French double major.  I love politics, but try to avoid talking about them unless I know you well. :)  Music is another passion of mine.  I can play several instruments, and at any given moment of my spare time, you'll probably find me in my room singing.

I love people.  I love to help people.  God has given me the gift of great empathy and compassion.  I will help you in any way that I can.  I'm a great listener.  I'm one of the most loyal people you'll ever meet.  When I care, I do so with my whole heart.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I'm honest, sometimes brutally so, but I always try to say things kindly.  One thing you never have to worry about with me is wondering where we stand or how I feel.

Email me at malloryannjones@gmail.com.

Too bad I don't have Chris Powell with me.

Have you seen the new show Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition?

If you haven't here's the gist of it:  Chris Powell

spends an entire year with a morbidly obese person to get them to lose the weight.  It's amazing.  I thought nothing could replace my love for Bob Harper in the Reality TV Personal Trainer category, but Chris has come in and taken that crown in one fell swoop.  Plus, he's way cuter. ;)

There's a point to this, I promise.

Basically, I've made it a goal to lose 20 pounds before I go back to school on August 14th.  And it's hard.  Really hard.  You're looking at a girl who literally has not been healthy enough to exercise in over four years.  That's a long time to not move!  And that's how all this weight piled on, too.  I used to be thin.  And I'm tired of feeling horrible about how I look and having zero self-esteem.  A major thanks goes to Mat and Ryann for already helping me start to work through the self-esteem issues.  That in itself was a huge step forward.

But there's a lot more to be done. 

The confusing/frustrating part is that my whole family keeps telling me I had to have lost weight because I look smaller, but I'm the type of person who relies on concrete details, and the number on the scale has gone up, not down.  Well, you're probably thinking, "You're probably gaining muscle and losing fat, and muscle weighs more than fat."  I know that (thank you, Lifetime Wellness), but it's hard for a Type A personality like myself to remember that when you work and work at something and aren't seeing results.  It gets me frustrated and discouraged, hence the whole 'I wish I had Chris Powell' thing.

But anyway, I have an exercise bike that has been sitting in my room for a long time now, and starting yesterday, my plan (because another thing I learned in class is it's always good to have an exercise plan) is to ride it for at least 30 minutes a day.  So far so good. 

It's a good thing I'm extremely determined and even more stubborn. :D  I'll keep you posted.

Because I have nothing left in me tonight.

Discharge. The good kind.

HOORAY.

I went to see Dr. P today.  I NEVER have to go back! Another doctor that I'm free from!!! :D  That is, according to Dr. P, "unless I break my foot or something".  Which, I'm pretty sure I'll want to go back to him if I break my foot, so I'm glad we're on the same page.

Also, I finally got Microsoft Office for my new computer today.  We picked it up on the way back from Wilmington.  So nice to be able to write documents again.

Yeah.......that's all I got.  Things are still very nuts here, so pray for my sanity.  Merci beaucoup.

I am DONE.

Apparently, I'm the only sane one left in this family.

Chelsea's engaged.

To a guy she met on the internet.

THREE WEEKS AGO.

And everyone else? Just seems to accept it.

I'm the only one willing to voice my opinion about how absurd, desperate, and pathetic this whole charade is.

But no, I get told to shut up.  No one bothers to tell the selfish, lazy, incompetent 22-year-old with Borderline Personality that she is NOT in love and should NOT be getting married.

But no, I'm the bad guy because I'm "so mean to Chelsea." Yeah, poor pitiful Chelsea.  The one who's threatened to kill me since I was 8.  The one who just today threatened to hit me because I told her to take Blake out of my arms.  The one who's been the main source of the hell this family has lived in for the past twelve years. 

One thing is for sure - I AM NOT COMING BACK HERE NEXT SUMMER.  I don't care if I don't get the DC internship and I have to do summer school all summer. I AM DONE.  I am done feeling like crap about myself.  I am done being treated like crap by Chelsea.  I am done being blamed for stuff that isn't my fault.  I am done having people mad at me when I've done NOTHING wrong and they should really be mad at Chelsea. 

DONE.

More than worth it.

If you counted my money right now, you would see that technically, tonight cost me $42.  $33 went to LaDonna, my friend who drove me to Wilmington and back; $4 went to an enchilada and drink that I bought when I ate with the band before the show; $5 went to snacks and a drink I bought on the way home so I could take my medicine.  So yes, $42.

But really, to me, tonight was priceless.  I got to do something fun just for me that completely lifted my spirits at a time when I've truly felt like I'm going crazy.  I would've gladly spent all $80 that I had if it meant being able to go tonight.  It was seriously just that wonderful. 

LaDonna got to my house just before 7:00.  I introduced her to my mom because a) my mom wanted to meet her, and b) she was outside smoking, anyway, when LaDonna arrived.  We left just after 7:00 and talked the whole way to Wilmington.  We arrived at about 8:25, but we spent 15 minutes or so trying to find the venue.  It sounds ridiculous, I know, but the ridiculous part was that even though we had the address, the address numbers jumped all over the place and the lounge didn't have a sign out front!  I tried calling Taylor, but he didn't answer because the signal was bad indoors, so I finally had to resort to calling 411 to have them connect me to the lounge and having a worker tell me what they were next to.  Of course, we had driven right past it 3 times already.  So I got there at about 8:45 and when I went to pay, the doorman said he wasn't set up yet and didn't have any money to give me change, so he told me to just go in and he would find me when he got money.

As soon as I walked in, I saw the band sitting over in the corner, we sat there talking for a bit and then they decided to go eat and invited me to come with them.  I had nothing better to do, and since I was there alone, I went.  The first place we went to was absurdly expensive for what they were serving, so we ended up at this texmex place right next door.  Because I had eaten ravioli for dinner here at home before I left, I just got an enchilada.  It was HOT.  I usually love spicy food, but I had to eat a ton of ice just to get my tongue to stop burning.  Then, Phoebe had ordered wings and couldn't finish them all because there were 12 and she's tiny (haha), so I ate the last of her wings.  So I was happy.  It was nice to just hang out and talk with them.  When I mentioned that going to see them was my belated birthday present to myself, Taylor said he wished he had known because he would have bought my food. :) 

We were all back in the venue by 10:15.  As we walked back in, they told the doorman that I was one of the two people they were allowed to get in free, so they saved me $8! :)  They did sound check.  The venue managers told them they weren't allowed to go on till 10:45 because they wanted more people to come in.  I took a picture with each of them while we were waiting for 10:45 to come because Callie said it would be easier then than while they were trying to pack everything up and get out of the way for the next band.

Their set lasted from about 10:45 to 12:05.  I sold merch (CDs, posters, handmade hairclips) for them through the show and about 15 minutes afterward since heck, they needed someone to do it and I was there.  After all, they were kinda busy, ya know, playing and singing and then packing up a dozen instruments and other various equipment.  I saw this 8x10 picture of theirs and since it was only worth $5 according to their sell price I asked Taylor if that could be my birthday present.  He said "Of course!" and they all signed it for me.  I can add it to my collection.  We talked a bit more, and I got hugs from everyone (I even got a hug from Taylor right when I got there earlier that night) before I left.

LaDonna picked me up about 12:35 as I was standing outside talking to the four of them while they loaded the van and trailer.  We stopped by a gas station so I could get a snack and drink for my medicine, and arrived at my house at almost exactly 2:15.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm exhausted and sweaty (no AC in LaDonna's car, no AC in venue).  I just hope I can sleep with this emotional high I'm on. :D

Amazing, beautiful, fun, loud, hilarious, wonderful, totally-worth-the-$42-I-spent-and-then-some night.

Best belated birthday surprise EVER.

Remember The Vespers?

Well, about a month ago, I found out they booked a show in Raleigh on June 14 and a show in Wilmington on June 18 (aka TOMORROW).  I figured the Wilmington show would be a bit more doable, and I knew Mom would take me to it...until she booked her surgery for today.  Once I knew she had surgery today and Matt couldn't afford a night off work, I figured my chances were shot.  By last week or so, I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that it wasn't going to happen and forgotten about it.

Until Mom brought it up tonight.  (She's fine, by the way.  Her surgery went just perfectly, and she feels just about as good as can be expected.)  She kept talking about how badly she wanted to take me to the show tomorrow night, and I ever so gently reminded her that there's no way in the world that she'll drive on painkillers OR that she'll be able to go without painkillers.  Sweet of her, but no.  I'd be heartless if I even considered it.

But the more I kept thinking about it, the more I figured "what the heck" and posted a simple comment as my Facebook status.  "Mallory Jones would pay someone to take her to Wilmington tomorrow night."

The power of Facebook, my friends.

After two of my friends who live out of town said that they so would take me if they were here, a girl I went to high school commented and said, "Hey, I'm home and I'll take you there."  So I get to go!!!!!!  Talk about a last-second divine intervention from God.  I'm SO freakin' thrilled to get to do this, and my friend said that she's got a crapload of college homework she has to do, and getting out of the house with a babysitter watching her son for her will give her an excuse to just sit down and get it all done.  So basically, I'm paying her babysitter, but I am totally okay with that.

I get to see Taylor and Bruno and Callie and Phoebe tomorrow!!!!!

No Parent Left Behind

My mom's principal sent this out in an email.  We both, and Mommom and Chelsea, cried from laughing. Enjoy. My thoughts are in bold.

These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district.  Spellings have been left intact...... 
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.  Execute? Well that's a bit of a harsh punishment for being sick!
2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.  Again, if you had her shot, I think there are bigger problems than truancy here.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.  What calendar are you using?  And more importantly, in what universe does January have 33 days?
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.  What was Jim gonna do her? Was she supposed to tutor him?  And what does a student have to administrate?
5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. For a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.  Where'd it go?
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.  Taken out of his face, huh? As opposed to...his knee?
7.. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.  I'm a little behind in anatomy. Where is the growing part located?
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.  Make the darn things move, then!
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.  Chris must be HUGE if he can fit a whole acre in his side!  We're talking mammoth huge here, people.
10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.  His consonants, on the other hand, are very tightly packed.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She Had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.  Life lesson numero uno: Go with what you know.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.  I'd tell the shoe store I want my money back, if I were you.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. Yeah...I've got nothin.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.  That's not very nice!
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.  Uh you could just...I don't know...ask her her size before she leaves for school? Or wait till Saturday.  Just a thought.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.  That's a lot of pressure to put on a newspaper.  It's not its fault you forgot!  And there IS this newfound invention called a calendar. You can buy one pretty much anywhere.  I kindly suggest you look into one.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.  Awww, poor Sally.  If you're going to her funeral, I think it's safe to assume she won't be there any of the weeks after that, either.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines. Must've been quite a weekend!
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.  I didn't know fertility issues were a good reason to miss school.  I'll make a note.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.  Why haven't you called the police yet, then?!
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.  I hope sweet Gloria is doing some rehabilitation of the gang members and isn't actually a part of one.
22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.  And again, call. the. cops.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat , her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.  Unless you, your other daughter, and your son go to Maryann's school, I really don't think the administration needs to know how you feel.  And also, I'd look into some therapy if you're really that unattracted to your husband.  But it's not my business.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.  Indeed.

:)

For once it's not me.

Mom has sinus surgery tomorrow.

It's the exact same surgery that I had done in January of '07 and April of '09, except they're not breaking her nose like they did mine both times.

If I'm being completely honest, all I can think at the moment is "For once, it's not me."  But with 15 surgeries in the past 5 years all on me, I'd say it's a pretty logical reaction.  I'm not worried about Mom.  Our ENT is awesome.

So for at least the next four days, I'll happily be Mom's little servant, all while trying to keep Chelsea from doing anything stupid.  This should be fun.

Typical

That was the word I used when describing the day to Matt. 

Typical.

As in, yes it was my birthday, but it was a very typical day in this house.  The state of our house often depends on what mood Chelsea decides to be in.  Well, today, she was all over the place, vacillating between angry (telling me it was her mission to make my day hell) and annoyingly perky (telling me every. single. thing. her boyfriend said to her and repeating stories I've heard ten times already), so it ended up being just like any other day.

I got woken up at 8:20 by a text from my friend/Holly's roommate Carmen.  I was planning on getting up at 9:00, but I couldn't get back to sleep.  We left for the beach at 10:00 and spent a little more than three hours there.  The afternoon was lazy - Blake napped, I played on the computer, Mom worked and picked up the dogs, and Chelsea cleaned.  I would've helped, but it should be illegal to do chores on your birthday. :)  We had dinner with Mommom, Uncle Kirk, Aunt Donna and Bri at a local restaurant and I had a really awesome steak.  Then I came back and just avoided Chelsea.  Matt stopped by at about 11:40 and we stood talking in the driveway for like 20 minutes.  Haha!  Best part of my day, for sure. 

Awesome surprise for the day?  An iTunes lady who was really really nice to me.  Here's what happened: Well, when my computer died, I thought I lost all of my iTunes library on it.  Well, Dr. Google led me to a site that told me how to import all my songs from my iPod onto my new computer.  However, my iPod doesn't hold TV shows, and I had bought a bunch of TV episodes that were in my library that I had no idea how I was going to get to. I emailed Customer Support and sent them all the order numbers as proof that I really had bought them.  Some help lady restored all the shows to my account and allowed me to download them for free!  She also showed me how to back up my library so this never happens again. (I'm technologically stupid. I had no idea you could do that.)  Plus she gave me an extra credit to my account and I got an extra episode.  It was AWESOME.  And a big relief that $36 wasn't wasted.

I have a migraine, so that's all for now.

19

*sings*
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Make my day even cooler and leave me some birthday love?

Sony VAIO has stolen my heart.

My first two laptops were HP (this is my third).

Every laptop my mom has ever had was an HP.

We were happy, HP and I.  Comfortable.  We knew each other very well.  It was like coming home to an old friend.  So it'd be safe to assume I'd stick with what I know, right?

Wrong.

When your mom tells you to get either an HP or a  Sony VAIO and the one store you go to (and can go to) doesn't have any HP laptops, your choice is kind of set for you.

And let me tell you this: best advice my mama ever gave me!

Okay, maybe that's a tad exaggerated, but seriously, y'all: This Sony VAIO laptop is AMAZING.  Like chocolate cake amazing, except way more expensive.

Sony is so incredibly "with it" (Yes, I really just used that phrase.  Watch out, or I'll throw a "hip" at you, too.) that my laptop came downloaded with Skype.  I've never seen that before!  I am very impressed.

Needless to say, I may never buy another HP laptop ever again.  Here's hoping this one will last me longer than the first two, though, so I won't have to buy another one anytime soon!

Even better than this totally rad (Oh yes. I. did.) laptop, however is that my last year of being a teenager begins

TOMORROW!

Computer Issues

So, of course, nothing in my life can ever go the simple route.

I took my computer to the shop today, thinking all that was the problem was a broken power cord and some screwed up keyboard keys because of a spill.  That's something any computer repair shop can fix.

Well, turns out, the power cord wasn't broken.  There's a short on the circuit board which, long story short, renders my entire laptop useless.  Super, right?  Ha.

The freakin' awesome God-granted news, though?  I have this CD in my grandma's bank, that has money in it, some of which she gives me each semester for school.  She offered to take me to buy a new laptop tomorrow, and she'll pay for it, and just take the money out of my CD when she goes to get my money for the fall out.  Hallelujah, because I kinda need a laptop for school.  Also good is that my mom doesn't have to pay to have this computer fixed because she needs to stretch her money till the end of the month. 

So yay, new laptop, and yay Mommom! :)

Dear world,

Let it be known that my mom is awesome. And I love her.  She's paying to get my computer keyboard fixed instead of making me spend my birthday money on it.  Which she really shouldn't have to do, since it was my fault it got screwed up.  But hey, I'm not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth! :)

Let it also be known that I survived 54 hours alone with Chelsea and didn't smack her.  Put that down in the record books under Greatest Achievements. ;)

Wednesday is my birthday AND I get to go out to eat AND we're going to the beach.  I'd say that's a sweet day. :)

Never again.

Isn't it fascinating how a person can be relatively okay and completely suck the next?  That's just life.  It just gets magnified when dealing with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder.

I am never, ever, ever spending an entire weekend alone with Chelsea when both my mom and my grandma are out of town ever again.

I'm not going to say anything else to avoid saying something that I'll later regret.  I think that's safest for now.

Thank you God for the fact that this is only a weekend and that Mom comes home tomorrow.

Well, I survived.

And I only wanted to shove Chelsea's head through a wall twice, so I'd call that a successful day. ;)

It wasn't a very exciting day.  (Big surprise there, I know.)  I got up at 9:30 because Mom needed me to help her finish packing.  They left at 10. 

I spent the rest of the day either cleaning or watching the Casey Anthony trial online.  Yes, I am fascinated by it.  You're talking to a girl who's been obsessed with Law & Order SVU since she was 10.  I'm so terribly sad that Chris Meloni is leaving!! :(

Chelsea and I promised Mom the house would be clean by the time she gets home   Well, Chelsea apparently thought it'd be fun to clean Mom's room, AKA The Black Hole of Doom.  So I spent a ridiculous amount of time sorting through mail from the past four years because a) I can't go in that room it's so dusty, and b) Mom likes to keep everything. 

Tomorrow is more cleaning and more trying not to smack Chelsea.  One day down, a day and a half to go.

P.S. Put this down in the record books under Most Graceful Moments:  Chelsea was outside when Blake started screaming, so I went to get him.  I picked him up, stepped back from the crib and stepped down hard on a tiny, hard plastic horse.  I nearly fell over but didn't, thank God, and the dang thing actually cut me!  Bravo to me. :)

If tonight is any indication...

it's going to be one looooooooong weekend.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it. 

Somehow everything Chelsea does or doesn't do gets tied back to me so it's my fault.  For example, Chelsea didn't fold the laundry she was supposed to fold?  It's my fault because I suck at folding laundry.

Yeah.  Please explain that. 

Pray for me.  I'm gonna need it.

Also, I changed my comment format, so you should be able to comment now! Please email me (email is in my profile) if you can't! Stupid Blogger.

Late night randomness.

Landon? Never cared about me.  I was COMPLETELY wrong.  Matt talked to him (without me asking/knowing) and informed me.  Gotta love it.  It doesn't matter, I'm beyond over it.  It just keeps getting brought up.  Whatever.  His loss.  Here's what I'd like to say to him, though, as a parting thought: "We were over from the start, intertwined just in time to fall apart. I can't believe I missed the signs. You were cold and they all told me not to try, but I thought they had you wrong. In the morning you were gone, just vanished from my life, didn't even say goodbye.  Everytime I see your face, I can see the games you play. Nobody can break hearts better. Why do you have to be so damn clever?" Oh and "When you see my face, hope it gives you hell. You're the fool, I'm just as well. I hope it gives you hell." (pieces of "So Damn Clever" by Plain White Ts and "Gives You Hell" by All-American Rejects.  I think they fit.)

Mom is going to Brianna's Olympic Development soccer games this weekend.  Which means I'll be home alone with Chelsea all weekend.  Oh boy!  Ha.  Really, though, Bri made the top team in the east division.  How cool is that?!  She may be my ticket to the Olympics one day. :D

ONE week (well now six days) till my birthday! Woot woot! Hahaha.  All I know that's happening so far is we're going to dinner, like usual, with all the family and Matt is coming over for a bit.  I told him that was my only request for the day.  He said there's no way he wouldn't come over.  :)

I finally get to go see Mr. Laughinghouse on Monday!  Things are so complicated sometimes when you have to depend on other people for rides.  This Saturday will be two years since I graduated.  That's CRAZY to think about. 

Maybe I'll have more energy to blog tomorrow.  My head has felt funny all day.

Reason #8239 why I love blogland

Because I get a surprise email from a blog friend introducing me to a song I'd never heard of before and instantly fell in love with.

"To Me" by Matthew West

Well it breaks my heart
Every time I see the world break yours in two
You know those lies ain't true
But when you let 'em get to you,
Being you is hard to be, I see.

These days sticks and stones
Sound like paradise
Compared to those harsh words
They'd rather cut you down than hold you
But they don't know you like I know you
If they did I know they'd see,
Yes they would see...

To me you are
Heaven's finest invention by far
So much brighter than the brightest star
And what I'd give to make you see
Who you are to me

All your so called friends
Said they'd be there till the bitter end are gone
But I won't be just like the others
I'm gonna show you my true colors
You can't ever make me leave
No, no, I won't ever leave

To me you are
Heaven's finest invention by far,
Even brighter than the brightest star
And what I'd give to make you see
Who you are to me

When you laugh it's my favorite song
And all the gray is gone
Every single time I see you smile,
I just haven't seen it in awhile

So go on and dream
Bigger dreams than this town's ever seen before
There are just two kinds of people:
Ones who say you're just not able
And the ones who change the world
And you're gonna change the world

To me you are
Heaven's finest invention by far
Even brighter than the brightest star
And what I'd give to make you see
Who you are to me

Uh yeah. Wow. So many thoughts that this song inspired...

First was "Whoa. If I could pick a song that I could imagine Matt singing to me, one that sums up our friendship, this would be it." (I know I've talked about him a lot this week, just hang in there.)  The first half of the song (to 'No I won't ever leave') reminds me so much of all the support he's given me, all the times he's reminded me that no matter what anyone else has said or done, he's not going anywhere, how sorry he really is that so many people have hurt me.  I think of how he believes in me when no one else seems to.  It reminds me of how he really does know me better than anyone.  It makes me remember how so incredibly lucky I am that God put a friend like him on this earth for me. 

The second half (from 'all your so called friends' to the end) is what I would say to Matt.  I really am going to be there "till the bitter end" for him, through all the girls and drama and stress and craziness, I'll be there.  Unlike anyone else, he lights up my entire world when he's around because he is always happy, always smiling, always funny.  Also, this boy has so many dreams, dreams his family doesn't believe he can reach.  He wants to move to California when he graduates in December to go to a music school.  His family doesn't want him to.  I seem to be the only one who thinks he can and he should.  He's unbelievably determined.  I can totally see him doing whatever he wants, moving anywhere (though I honestly have no idea what I'm gonna do when he's in California :p).  Sometimes I feel like his biggest fan, because we're so close.  We both want each other to have the world.  (Okay, this is the end of the Matt talk, I promise!)

The second thing that really hit me about this song was this:

So go on and dream bigger dreams than this town's ever seen before. There are just two kinds of people: ones who say you're just not able, and the ones who change the world. And you're gonna change the world .

THIS is what I want for myself.  I want to change the world.  Swansboro is such a ridiculously small town.  I've been surrounded by basically the same people in this town since I was 4.  Thus, they know the basics of all my medical issues.  Most of them expect me not to do much with my life (trust me, some of them have told me).  In fact, one of my old teachers told me he was surprised to hear I was still in college because of everything.  Sweet, huh?  I want to go to grad school in DC and then eventually move to Europe.  I have so many plans, plans that are worlds bigger than this bubble I've been living in.  And I'm going to go chasing after them.

Let me know what you think of the song! And THANK YOU Laura A. for sending it to me!

(And yes, this post took me a long time to write because I have the song on repeat. In case you were wondering. :D)

Seriously, satan, get a life.

I've been having a lot of nightmares lately.  Bad nightmares.  And I have no idea what they could mean.

In every one of them, I get attacked.  Sometimes emotionally, sometimes sexually, most of the time physically.  And then I wake up shaking and scared terrified.

The most frightening part of it all, though?  Occasionally, the attacker was someone I don't recognize, but most of the time, the attacker was Matt.

I just can't believe that this is happening this week.  This week, when I don't think we have ever been closer or in a better place. When I'm happy with how things are.  When I feel 100% secure with him and know that he loves me.

Satan has to be up to something.  That's literally the only reason that I can come up with that I'd start having nightmares about my best friend, the person I trust more than anyone on this planet, raping me.  It just doesn't make sense under any other explanation.

It's not like I actually believe there's a remote chance of those nightmares ever coming true.  Matt is possibly the least confrontational person I've ever met.  He's also one of the most chivalrous.  He wouldn't hurt a fly, he certainly would never sexually assault a woman, let alone me.  But of course, I remember these nightmares more than I usually remember a dream.  I can't get them out of my head.  As if dreaming it wasn't bad enough, they're still haunting me.

Dude, satan, go away. I've got enough going right now.  I really don't need this, too.

The only exciting part of my day

was this. 

YAY HIGHLIGHTS! :) (AND YAY MOM BECAUSE SHE DID 'EM)

He makes everything better.

I don't really want to rehash all the details of why I was so upset yesterday, because it's done and over and I'm really trying to not get stuck in the past anymore.  However, suffice it to say, the past week has been very hard and my mom and I hit probably the lowest point in our relationship that we've ever had.

Matt came over and spent two hours with me tonight because he knew I was ridiculously close to snapping and completely losing it.  Talking to him, talking it all out with him, made me feel a thousand times better.

He's the only person that really makes me feel heard.  He's also the only person that seems to really worry about me and how I'm feeling on a day-to-day basis.  In this family, I usually feel like I have to just take care of myself because Mom is so stressed out all. the. time., but Matt wants to protect me, he wants to take care of me, he loves me enough to actually worry about me.  As he said tonight, "You're my little sister. I'm gonna worry about you.  It's just how it is, it's how I am." 

How I feel right now reminds me of how I feel about my relationship with Jesus: Oftentimes, I feel that I've done nothing to deserve Matt's support and love and friendship.  And I know I'm completely undeserving of God's grace and mercy.  But I have them both.  Ain't life grand? :)

I went from crying my eyes out 24 hours ago to smiling like a mad woman.  It's an indescribable blessing to have a best friend that can turn around your worst day just by talking to you.  And you know what is the most relieving/best part about tonight?  The fact that I'm finally starting to feel okay that I'm "his little sister."  That when we're together, my feelings for him aren't the only thing I'm thinking about.  I'm not saying I'm totally over him because that'd be crazy - it's gonna take quite some time before that happens.  But it's a start.

Thank you God.

The hard parts of life.

It really sucks when the people you love most hurt you.
I don't even really know how to describe what I feel right now, so I'll just leave it at that to avoid saying something I'll regret later.
I will say this, however: Today was not a good day. Two months and eleven days left of summer.

In case you were wondering...

Here's a funny story I forgot to tell...

Monday night, we all went to a local restaurant to have dinner with Mommom, Uncle Kirk, Aunt Donna, Dusty, and Brianna to celebrate my aunt's birthday, which was last Friday.  I was sitting on a corner because I'm left handed with Uncle Kirk next to me, Aunt Donna across from me, and Dusty next to her.  We were talking while waiting for our food, and I mentioned still needing to find a job.  Aunt Donna told me that they're hiring at China Garden.  I said, "I don't know if I can physically handle waitressing." (which is true)  Immediately, Dusty looked at me 100% seriously and said, "You're not very Chinese, either."

So in case you hadn't figured it out yet, I'm not Chinese.  Not in the least little bit.  In fact, I'm not any Asian nationality. :D

(Family dinners are so much more fun now that Dusty and I get along so well.)

Staying Out of It

I have a problem with keeping my mouth shut. (Big shocker, I know.)

There's a couple reasons for it. 

First off, I'm just a naturally outspoken human being.  I speak my mind (most of the time, anyway).  I don't lie.  In fact, sometimes I'm too honest.

Second, I'm defensive of those I love.  That's something I've mentioned several times before.  So, for example, when Chelsea is in a particularly hostile mood, every part of me wants to get in her face and defend my mom.  Standing up for the people I love is just a part of me.  I'm ridiculously loyal, just ask Matt.

The more I grow up, though, the more I've realized that maybe all of those times my mom yelled at me to "stay in my room and stay out of it", she might've actually been onto something. Yes, me defending her is sweet.  But it doesn't help matters when Chelsea's in a rage.  All it does is make her come after me with a string of insults and make my blood pressure and heartrate rise.  It's not like it makes Chelsea back down at all.  It pisses her off more.

So since she's been in a particularly hostile mood this week, I've been trying really, really, really hard to stay out of it.  Yes, I've failed miserably.  But I'm trying.  I'm working on myself.  And that is what God appreciates.

There is no score in a game like this.

Today I had a conversation on Twitter with a friend of mine, and I can't get it out of my head. I'll just show you the important part, as there's no need to bore you...

Me: Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve my best friend Matt. Obviously I have a lot of work to do on my self-esteem. :-/
C: @callmemal13 Yes, you do. You deserve the best. *stern look*
Me: @C :) It's not that I think I deserve *bad* friends, I just sometimes feel like he does SO much for me & I don't do enough for him.
C: @callmemal13 It's a nice thing to want to do more for people, but make sure that the "I don't do enough" isn't your low self-esteem talking.
C: @callmemal13 Because I'm sure you do a lot and are always willing to help if you can.
Me: @C It probably is because he just never seems to need anything, you know? But him always being there to support me just makes me
Me: @C worry it'll become a one-sided friendship. Of course, we've known each other for nine years, so I'm probably just being silly.
Me: @C But you're right. I am always willing to help him in any way he needs me. He just, like I said, never needs me.
C: @callmemal13 I know I'm right. :-p Friends do not keep score. You're there for him IF he needs you. That's more than a lot of people get.

Friends do not keep score.  Such a simple sentence, yet it's given me a revelation today.

I'm a total perfectionist at heart.  I always want to be perfect at everything I do.  Failure scares me.  My need for perfection combined with the stresses in my life that have forced me to be the good child and people who have put pressure on me to be excellent leaves me with a feeling that what I do is never good enough.  Granted, sometimes it's no one's fault but my own.  I will be the first one to tell you that I am a completely Type A, controlling, high-stress girl.  Like I said, I want to be the best.  And while others may make me feel inadequate at times, I do it to myself just as much, so please don't take this as me blaming everyone else for my issues.

The situation today is 100% my own fault.  I've been clingy with Matt the past few days because of lots of stressful things that have been going on combined with the fact that he can't find the time to come over here.  I realized that this morning when I woke up, so I texted him to make sure he wasn't irritated with me.  He, of course, assured me he was fine, not mad, and is sorry he hasn't come over because he wants to be able to give me all of his attention and focus instead of leaving after 30 minutes like last Thursday.  Suffice to say, that conversation ended with me thinking What on earth did I do to deserve a friend like this?  I started thinking about how he is always there for me and to support me, and I never have to be there for him.  Hence the conversation with C.

And what she said really hit me.  Friends do not keep score.  It doesn't matter how many times he's been there to support me versus how many times I've supported him.  Maybe he's just lucked out in not having to deal with drama in his life for a while lately.  That doesn't change the fact that I will be there for him whenever he does need my support.  My being an emotional girl and him being a nonchalant guy does not make him a better friend than me.  And if he doesn't care about that kind of stuff, if he doesn't feel like I don't love him enough, why the heck should I?

He loves me.  I love him.  We're there for each other.  It's been almost nine years, and neither one of us is going anywhere.  That's all that really matters in the end.

Friends do not keep score.  Five simple words that brought on a huge epiphany.