Meh. Mediocre.

I got an 84.9 on my History test (and yes, my teacher is really that specific).  Not as good as I wanted, but considering only 2 people in a class of 30 got an A, not too shabby, I suppose.

I slept like absolute crap last night.  I went to bed just after 10:00 (which is REALLY early for me!) because I felt so incredibly tired, and didn't even doze off till after 11:30.  And then, when I finally did fall asleep, I woke up at least once an hour to every slight noise in the night.  So as you can imagine, 7:30 came really freaking early.

I really want this week to be done and over with.  Which, you know, means it, of course, will ddddddddddddrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggg by.  Today certainly felt like it would never end.  At least I have something to look forward to, right?

You know what?  I love blessing people.  I have another tutoring session with Ty and Ian tomorrow, and when I was texting Ian to see what time he wanted to meet, in his message he wrote "Thanks again for helping us, you have no idea how much you help!" and that just makes me smile.  Because really, during these sessions, I really don't feel like I do all that much to help them, probably nothing that anyone else couldn't do, and definitely nothing that our French professor couldn't do, so to know that this means that much to Ian just makes me feel great.  I know I say this a lot, but it just makes me feel so happy, so purpose-driven, so unbelievably fulfilled to be able to help people like this.  Also, I have a gift that I'm getting for a friend, just because I love her and she's sent me so many things, and I cannot wait to see her reaction to it!  See?  Happy, happy, happy.

I don't know what's taken me so long, but I'm going tomorrow to the bookstore and buying two cheap notebooks.  One for my Thousand Gifts, and one for prayer requests.  At Bible Study, we end each meeting with all the girls sharing any prayer requests they have, so it'll be nice to have one place where I can write them all down and keep them. 

I can hardly believe tomorrow is March 1!  And today, the high was 84.  B-E-A-U-TIFUL. :D

Okay, that's all I've got.

It needs to be Friday already.

That's probably not the greatest attitude to have when the week really hasn't even started, but....it is what it is.

I've had a very productive weekend, though, so I suppose that's a plus.

Lots and lots and lots (AND LOTS!) of homework to try and make this week as least-stressful as possible.

Because come Friday at approximately 2:30 pm?  I am out of here. :D

Spring Break....no two sweeter words to an exhausted, homesick college student who hasn't been home in seven weeks.

Of course, I'll still probably have work to do next week, amidst five different appointments, but at least I'll get to do it from the comforts of my own home.

Sleep in. (Trust me, I've learned to schedule all appointments for as late as possible. :P)

Spend time with my mom.

Play with my sweet Blake man. (And celebrate his birthday Saturday!!! Don't worry, you know tons of pics are coming.)

All I have are five days of classes, one quiz, and three tests standing in between me and a little taste of sweet, sweet freedom.

I am off to finish my last bit of homework and go to bed.  (Oscars, shmoscars, I've never been into the gazillion awards shows.)

Grrrrrrrr....

Right now, I'm really really really really really really really frustrated.

I have this Lifetime Wellness test I have to take.

You get three tries.  Sounds awesome, right?

Well, I read the five chapters today.

Try #1 = 30 out of 40.

:@ :(

So then I went through WITH THE TEXTBOOK and did my best to reread and find the answers.

Try #2 = 31 out of 40.

Grrrrrrr.

Frankly, at this point, I just want to get 32 so I can have a B.

That's not so much to ask, right? 

*sigh*  I don't know what's wrong with me today.

My leg hurts.

The right one.

Bad.

My foot.

My ankle.

The muscles on one side of my calf.

My shin bone.

And there's a bruise on my foot.

The truth?

I'm nervous.

I don't want to have to deal with something else going wrong.

The good news is that I can deal with the pain well enough that I can still walk.

And I think God is giving me peace to keep from completely freaking out about what this pain might mean.

Pain that wasn't here yesterday.

But anyway.

I think I'm just going to finish watching Dateline and then go to bed.

7 days till Spring Break. 

10 days till I go to see Dr. P.

We'll see.

This news just made my week.

A couple days ago, I found out that The Vespers have a show booked in Charlotte on April 15.

Naturally, I immediately wanted to go. 

But Charlotte is 3 hours away from Buies Creek, and I don't have a car.

I knew it was a stretch.

I called the ever-elusive Holly, but she never got back to me. 

Well, Amy surprised me by coming over tonight and bringing me a Bible she bought me (she is beyond awesome!).  We were talking for a few minutes, and I mentioned it, and she just said she had to check her schedule, but if there was nothing she'd do it!  Well I texted her a little while ago seeing if she checked her agenda yet, and she wrote back about 40 minutes later.

"Yes. And I'm busy. I have plans to go to The Vespers concert with a good friend. Sorry ;)"

It took a minute for the realization to register that she was being silly and actually telling me she COULD do it, so I went from disappointed to

YAY!!!!!!!!!!

I am screaming on the inside.  Like really.  You have no idea. 

I am beyond stoked. 

I can't wait to see Taylor and Bruno and Callie and Phoebe again!!!!!

Great day.  Great, great day.

Random Wednesday

I've had Journey songs in my head all day.  Specifically "Don't Stop Believin'".  Specifically this video.

Journey was my dad's favorite band so they'll always have a special place in my heart.  And the guy that sings "Open Arms" in that video? *swoon*

My US History teacher was sick again!  Plus side: I got up at 8:30 instead of 7:30.  Negative side: I still don't know what my test grade is!

I went to Bible Study again tonight.  I adore these girls already.  Two nights of meeting and I am already so, so blessed and at ease.

Yesterday, I had another study/tutoring session with Tyler and Ian.  I'm totally serious - I don't think I have ever laughed so hard doing homework.  Those guys really are awesome.  And Tyler has never again mentioned all the stuff he told me on Facebook about how "dangerous" he is, so I'm just trying not to think about it.  He's never done anything bad to me, so the least I can do is be there for him.

I CANNOT WAIT TO GO HOME.  I miss Blake's cute little face so bad! :) I can't believe his birthday is in TEN days!!!  Mom's baking his cake, apparently, just like she did for us girls when we were little, so I think that's adorable.  They cannot get sick again, though!  Seriously, the dorms close for Spring Break so I really do have to go home!

I hope I don't have another nightmare about SVU tonight.  Last Wednesday night, I had nightmares about the creeper from that night's episode all. night. long.  So I'd really prefer for that not to happen again.  I'd also prefer that I actually wake up to go to class this time.

I added Landon (Holly's ex) on Facebook tonight, and we had about a 45-minute chat afterwards.  For a while now, we've sent random messages back and forth, despite my mom going ballistic about it, but for one, he's a good guy at heart and it's been two years, so it really pisses me off when I have to listen to my mom STILL talk about how much he messed her up and blah blah blah, so I guess I just feel like being defiant, and two, Holly basically never gets on Facebook anymore. ;)  But really, though, it was a good talk.  And I truly do love that kid, and consider him a friend, and so talking to him and meeting with the Bible Study girls just made my night awesome. :)

Today was good.  And I've run out of things to say, so.....good night!

I should've seen THAT coming.

When I thought I'd finally truly accepted how things are with me and Matt...

when our relationship seemed stronger than ever...

when I thought that maybe, just maybe, I was finally starting to get over him...

I find out that he's back with Simone.

Head?  Meet desk.

Sigh.

He'll never learn.

I think the root reason of why this is messing with me so much is because I worry about him so much. 

I am so protective of those I care about, and I worry about him the most because I care about him more than anyone in the world. 

It kills me to see him get hurt, especially when I know he's so excited to be back together with a girl who always ends up treating him like crap.

I want to be excited for him.  And part of me is. 

But part of me also feels like I got kicked in the stomach repeatedly.

I don't even know what to think anymore.

If he really does marry her, then super for him.  Because I mean what I've said all along:

His happiness means more to me than anything.

Yet somehow?  Knowing and believing that isn't keeping me from feeling nauseous.

Sigh of relief.

That History test wasn't as bad as I expected to be.

Which, it's really good I'm saying that considering how crappy I felt when I got up.  It took me five minutes to realize it was Monday and that I couldn't go back to sleep.  Frankly, I'm lucky I got up at all.

But yes, I'm expecting a high B/low A on the test.  I'll be sure to let y'all know how my expectations pan out.

It's been a long day.  7:30 am to 11:00 pm without a nap (well, save for the one I got in Lifetime Wellness, hehe) is a long time.

I don't know when I'll go to bed, though.  I think I've hit my second wind!  Uh-oh!

Bad timing.

So you know how I was gonna completely devote today to studying for my big test tomorrow?

Well, that plan went out the window when I didn't fall asleep till 5 am this morning.

Sigh.

The best laid plans, huh?

I'm exhuasted. 

And I still need to review everything again.

Sigh.

Pray the exam goes well?  Thanks.

When I get to heaven...

I'm gonna find Dad.

Then, I'm going to find the Kennedy brothers: Joe, Jack, Bobby, and Teddy.

So I can raid their political minds. 

Hear from Joe about the war.

Ask Jack about his presidency. 

Tell Bobby I'd wish he'd made it in. 

Talk to Teddy about the amazing surgeons at Duke. (MY Dr. F's partner did his brain surgery!)

And maybe ask them what on earth they were thinking when they had affairs with Marilyn Monroe.  Just for good measure. ;)

Tonight I watched a 2-hour documentary on the Kennedys.  That is one fascinating family.

I mean, I memorized the presidents when I was 4, so it's safe to say that I've always been interested in JFK, but I can't seem to learn enough about his whole family!

I think my mom has rubbed off on me.  Her obsession is FDR, my obsession is JFK.

I mean, all the tragedies they overcame!
Rosemary's failed lobotomy.
Joe Jr. dying in WWII.
Kathleen dying in a plane crash.
JFK's assassination.
Bobby's assassination.
Teddy's Chappaquiddick accident.

And that's just their generation!  I won't even get into all the drama and issues the TWENTY NINE grandkids have had!

Really, a truly amazing family.  I can't wait to meet them in heaven.  I want to bow down to Grandma Rose for surviving it all and living to 104. ;)

Sad face.

I was supposed to go home this weekend.

Get to see my little Blake man.

Take pictures to send to Mauricio.

But of course, all three of them, Mom, Chelsea, AND Blake, all woke up puking this morning.

And no one bothered to tell my grandma till she got almost all the way to Campbell today.

She had to come get me, anyway, because I had a doctor appointment, but it still kind of sucked for her because she ended up having to drive me back to school before driving all the way home.

I'm sad, though, because now I won't to get home till Spring Break, which is two weeks away.

And I'm homesick, so two weeks is a long time.
The gift, though?  I have a test on Monday, so it's better this way because I CAN NOT afford to get sick!

My plan for tomorrow is to work on Bloom's Chapter 3 and 4 transcripts, and do my French homework.  Sunday is solely dedicated to Monday's History test.

Good night, y'all.

So Much For That...

I did go to bed last night with a smile on my face.

Then I had nightmares all night about the SVU creeper.

I slept 16 hours.

Class?  Ha, apparently not on the radar.

OOPS!

But apparently I needed it?

The weather is AMAZING.  It's in the 70s.  IN FEBRUARY.  Gotta love bipolar NC. ;)

Short and sweet - it's how I roll.

I don't know who "they" are...

But you know how "they" say that college is about having new experiences?

Well, for once, I'm actually listening to what "they" say.

Tonight, I joined my first ever Bible study.

This may not seem like a huge deal to you, but for me?  This is gigantic.  For a few reasons. 

First, I've never actually read the Bible outside of the occasional verse during a church service, and the required readings in my Intro to Christianity class last semester.  I am going to learn SO much!

Second, my church attendance has been, needless to say, sparse over the years, and this is going to an unorthodox kind of church for me, which is way stressful.  Friends, fellow believers, learning about God.  Sounds great.

Third, while I can be loud and goofy and weird with people I know, around people I don't know, I am freakishly shy.  So the fact that I joined a Bible study and am putting myself out there is a huge step forward for me!  I think the key is that I do know two of the girls in the group, Robin and Amy; they lived a floor above me in Burkot last year and we've been friends for quite some time.  So I'm not completely "alone" as the newbie in the group.  (Robin's aunt and my mom work together, so when Mom told her colleagues that I was going to Campbell, Robin's aunt told her that Robin goes here and we moved into the same dorm and so she told Robin to come find me and introduce herself.  Who knew having "arranged friendships" could turn out to be a good thing?)

Overall, tonight (and today, really) was just ABSOLUTELY splendid, and I am going to bed tonight with a smile on my face. :)

I'm too tired to post anything creative.

So here's two very different random videos for your enjoyment. :)



The Beelzebubs singing "Where is the Love?" by The Black Eyed Peas on the first season of The Sing-Off



"Seasons of Love" from Rent

Enjoy! Maybe I'll be more verbose tomorrow.

Meet my son.

His name is Mauricio.  Isn't he cute? 

He's 12 years old, and his birthday is in October, two days before my mom's birthday.

He lives in the mountains of El Salvador, in a town called Via El Rosario.

He lives with both of his parents and has one sibling. 

His favorite activities are soccer (!!!), bicycling, and playing group games with friends.

I'm his Correspondence Sponsor through Compassion International.  (That means, for whatever reason, his financial sponsor can't or won't send him letters.)

I, being a broke college student, don't have a solid income to financially support a Compassion child, so I decided last month that I would and could write a child letters.

I find it so...fitting that his Compassion center is called Vida Abundante Student Center.  For all you non-Spanish-speaking peeps, Vida Abundante means Abundant Life.  My prayer is that by making contact with him, giving my support, along with the support of his financial sponsor and the Compassion workers, Mauricio will have abundant life.

I am so excited.  Like, really...you have no idea.

Best Valentine's Day present EVER!!!

I hate how weekends fly by.

I get so excited by the time Friday comes around

because I'm so thrilled to have a whole weekend to relax.

Or at least on Friday that's what I think the weekend will be for.

Ha!

Apparently the exhaustion from five days of classes makes me delusional

because the weekend is never for relaxing.

It's mostly for working on school stuff

till a migraine hits

or I fall asleep at my desk.

And laundry,

can't forget the laundry!

My life is so much fun.

At least I got the Chapter 2 transcript done today

and managed to shave my legs.

Clean sheets and shaved legs?

Cross your fingers that that means I'll sleep well tonight.

I really need it.

Revelation of the Day

Transcribing stuff is hard.

BUT it's really, really fun to have the opportunity to bless people.

I participate in a book club called Bloom (in)courage.  It's led by two sweet, wonderful, Godly women, Angie and Jess.  Weekly, they post videos of a discussion on a chapter of whatever book we are reading.  Right now it is the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, and she is participating in the discussion videos.  Wow.  I have only read three chapters so far, but what a book.  I can already tell that this book is going to majorly help me on my 2011 journey for peace.  I am so, so, so excited to read more and follow along with Angie, Jess, and Ann's videos.

Anyway, what that has to do with the transcribing is that a friend of mine, JD, emailed me the other day and told me about another member of this book club who lives in Kenya.  As of now, I still don't even know what her name is, but she lives in Kenya and because of a poor internet connection, she can't see the videos and asked on the Bloom site if there were transcripts so she could have the information from the videos that she can't see.  There weren't, so JD asked me if I would make them, since it's something that I can do from the comforts of my dorm.  I jumped at the chance.  Well, I apparently didn't know what I was getting myself into because it's hard!  Don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not backing out of my commitment, but I did the introduction video, which was only 3 minutes, and then the Chapter 1 video, which was 13 minutes, yesterday and today.  The Chapter 1 video took me two hours and thankfully I'd gotten most of my homework done before I started because by the time I finished I had a massive migraine.

It's just frustrating!  Having to pause the video every five seconds.  Not remembering what I just heard and having to replay that same five seconds.  Going back to make sure I heard correctly.  The women talking at the same time.  Ann talking quietly.  I know, I'm just being whiny, and I'm not trying to be.  I will deal with my frustrations in order to bless this woman (and anyone else who comes along who may need them) so that she can fully be a part of this wonderful book club community!

Cross your fingers that I can get Chapter 2 done tomorrow, eh? :)  Thankfully it is only a little under 12 minutes long.  Trust me, 1 minute is a long time in this situation.  Haha!

A Big Step

I thought it'd be a good time to give an update on how my feet are doing now that I'm back at school where I have to do a lot more walking than I did during Christmas vacation.  I haven't talked about this in a while, and I don't have much else to blog about, so why the heck not?

It's been a tough time in these four weeks that I've been at school.  From the day I got there, January 13, till about January 25 or 26, I was doing great.  I was calling Campus Safety only occasionally, and feeling better by the day.  I was totally stoked and hopeful that maybe, just maybe, this would be a peaceful and healthy semester.

Sometime during the last week of January, though, my feet started hurting.  Bad.  I could feel that pain in the bones of my feet.  More than that, though, the excruciating pain got up into my ankles.  It was like the tendons (or ligaments or whatever) going up both sides of both my ankles were on strike.  The most I could stand to walk was around the class buildings.  Campus Safety had to take me everywhere.  They should've been on speed dial.  Another reason I needed them, though, was because it's been very, very cold and when I walk any distance in the cold, my asthma flares up so bad that my regular inhaler can't take care of it.

It was like this for two and a half weeks.  Till yesterday.  I got into one of the Campus Safety golf carts yesterday morning for the guy to take my to the dining hall, and he looked over at me and said, "Why are we still transporting you?  We've all [the Campus Safety team] seen you walk.  We're not here to transport physically able students."  I felt like I was a little kid who got sent to the principal's office.  I explained to him how long and arduous my recovery process is and that, yes, while I have walked some and I've been walking as much as I can, sometimes the pain is too great and I just can't do it.  The most uncomfortable ride ever.  But he said I wasn't "in trouble" so I just tried to shake it off.  I hate being spoken to the way he was talking to me, like I was abusing their services or something. 

My two classes yesterday are in the furthest class building from my dorm, so that's why I got a ride to the dining hall, because that's sort of the halfway point and that way, after I ate I didn't have as far to walk.  I walked to class and took my two tests.  (I got a 104 on my Statistics test!!!!)   I was planning on walking at least part of the way back, but by the time I finished my Science test, my chest was hurting, so I had to get a ride back.  Luckily, the guy who picked me up was one I know well and he's too big of a goofball to lecture me. (Maybe the explanation I gave the morning guy was enough?)

This morning, I got a ride to class because it was freezing outside and I knew I'd barely be able to breathe if I walked to class.  I told the guy (a different guy than the two guys yesterday) about my asthma and that's why I called them.  He looked at me like I was lying and said "I thought cold weather helps with that."  All I said was "No, it doesn't" doing my best to keep my mouth shut and not be defensive or rude.  I didn't call them for the rest of the day!!!!  I don't know if I was being too easy on myself or if it was pressure to make the CS guys happy or what, but all I know is that now I can walk all the way to class by myself!  And I don't have to worry about judgment from those CS guys or the people who've stared at me when I got in and out of the golf carts.  For a self-conscious girl like me, that is very, very comforting.

So yeah, I had a big, big step forward as far as my feet healing goes today.  :) Yay Friday!

Thank you ... I think?

Something really bizarre happened last night soon after I blogged.  I told y'all how scared I was about becoming friends with Tyler and all that; well, after this conversation last night, I honestly don't know if that's a concern anymore.

I IM'ed him on Facebook and said that I hoped I didn't screw things up because of something I'd said to him yesterday afternoon.  He said I was fine, but that he had to tell me something.  I just said okay.  He then said that if I want to be his friend, there's a 100% chance he will hurt me, because he hurts everyone.  I can't expect him to perfect (which I've never thougth, obviously), or even good, because he's not good.  He doesn't make friends, he makes acquaintances because when people are just acquaintances, no one gets hurt.  I have no idea what I'm getting myself into.  We're not close, and for my sake, we need to keep it that way.  I told him that he didn't have to worry about me, that I just think he's a nice guy (which I do), and he said, "Ha, you think that now." 

A day later, and I'm still kinda scratching my head at what happened.  I've never had someone warn me that they're "no good" and that they'll hurt me if I don't stay away from them.  (I usually don't know someone's gonna hurt me till after the fact, haha.)   Like what was I supposed to say?  I couldn't even find the words, so the best I could come up with was "Thank you for the warning, I guess."  This is especially bizarre coming from Tyler because I've never seen him be anything but funny and friendly.  And yet he was making himself sound like he was the spawn of the devil.  I can't decide if I really should be scared of him, or if there's something going inside his head that makes him be the only one to have this view of himself.  Because, I mean, how can he really be this bad but have so many people like him?  Nothing about this makes sense.

I told him that I wasn't expecting anything out of him.  I'm really only asking for one thing, and that's not to be lied to.  (And he already proved that he's got honesty down pat by telling me all this.)  I suggested that we just stick to these French study sessions for now.  No harm, no foul, right?  Or something like that.

I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow when I see him in class.  I'm going to try to be as normal as I possibly can, but it's going to be...different.  Because I don't know what person I'm really dealing with anymore...

Slightly disappointed today.

I was supposed to go home this weekend.

Because I have to have a check-up with Dr. G about the ears/Bell's Palsy stuff.

I was getting really excited about it, too, because at this point I'm kinda homesick.

But of course, the whole house is sick.  Mom is getting over something nasty.

And Chelsea and Blake are just coming down with it. 

(Poor Blake, he seems to have gotten our family's gene for a crappy immune system.)

Plus, it's supposed to snow.  Both here, and in Swansboro.

Of course.

So instead, I had to move the appointment to next Friday.

Here's to hoping nothing happens next week, huh?

Two tests tomorrow.  It'd really be nice if the snow/ice comes tonight enough to cancel classes. :)

Good night, y'all.

But but but...

So...

Tonight I had another study session with Tyler because our first French 202 test is tomorrow.

Now, my weekly study sessions with Tyler have turned into weekly study sessions with Tyler AND Ian (another guy in our class). :)

And really, things are fun.  They're both seemingly very nice guys and very funny and kind and appreciative.

That's all I really ask for when I offer to tutor someone - that they show they appreciate my help by putting in the effort.

But, and maybe I'm being silly, I'm scared.

Really scared.

Because I can feel a friendship with Tyler growing.

And I've got satan in the back of my head honing in on my biggest fear already.

He usually waits till I care more before I have these thoughts.  (Ha!)

I just don't want to get hurt again.  I don't want to let the walls down and trust Tyler like I can tell he wants me to and have it all bite me in butt.

The logical part of me knows that there's no reason to be scared.  I barely know him as of now, and he barely knows me.

But...

He's just the kind of guy I make friends with.

The kind of guy I've been friends with in the past.

The kind of guy who always ends up hurting me.

And I am so tired of getting hurt.  The more I look back over my friendships with people, it seems like every single time I really trust someone (except Matt), I get screwed.

But...

I can not let satan win. 

I will not let satan win.

This is pretty much my biggest fear as of late - putting my heart and time into someone and getting burned. 

And I know satan knows that and feeds off of it. 

I am competitive, and a fighter, and determined to outrun satan's taunts.

But...it's not a simple thing.

I suppose the important thing is that I'm working on it.

I do not give up.

I never have, and I never will.

*sigh* 

Step 1: breathe deeply.

Step 2: pray.

Step 3: pray some more.

Step 4: take Tyler at his word, for now, and give him the benefit of the doubt.

I'll let you know how it goes.

What Super Bowl?

Yeah, that's me.

I am one of very few people in America who couldn't care less about the Super Bowl. 
I don't watch it.
I don't care who wins it.
Some years, I didn't even know who was playing in it.

So instead, this Super Bowl Sunday I spent nine. straight. hours. doing homework.

And that's after I spent about five doing homework yesterday.

Yes, my brain is fried.

Here's what I've completed this weekend:
- read 3 chapters for Lifetime Wellness
- completed the online Lifetime Wellness quiz
- wrote a letter and translated it into French
- read 2 chapters & 4 documents for US History
- read 2 chapters for Environmental Science

This jam-packed weekend is all thanks to the fact that by some trick of satan, my teachers all give their first test within the same week and a half.  My Statistics and Science teachers are both giving their tests on Thursday.  I have their classes back to back.

Gotta love college, huh?

So needless to say, my mind is exhausted.  I rewarded myself for all my hard work by having a 25-minute conversation with Matt.  My best friend is hilarious.  That kid makes me laugh more than anyone else in the world.

Now, I am off to bed.  Congrats to all you Packers fans out there.

Concerned

After I went to see my migraine doc on January 6th, I was excited to try the new medicine she put me on.

It was Propranolol.

For two and a half weeks, it worked amazingly well.

I barely had any headaches, and the ones I did get were totally bearable and didn't affect my day-to-day life.

I thought, "This is awesome!"

And that, my friends, is where I went wrong.

On January 24th, it was like someone flipped a switch and BAM! since that day, I have had headaches every. single. day.

That means this is now even worse than before because at least before this med, I had a few days where I didn't hurt.

I called her on Tuesday (she had asked me to call her, anyway, and tell her how I'm doing) and after consulting with her, she told me to double my dose till the end of next week and see if that helps.

So far it hasn't done a thing.

So I'm concerned.

I don't want to deal with another medical problem that the best doctors in the state can't manage to get under control.

But that seems to be what my life is.

So today, I'm hangin' in there, trying to fight through this horrendous migraine to get my mountain of work done. 

But honestly, at this point, I think I just need to go to bed.

Today, I am tired. BUT...

I am grateful for many, many things.

I am grateful for a professor who understands when my migraines keep me from coming to class.
I am grateful for a professor who doesn't make us come to class on Fridays.
I am grateful for a professor who asks how I'm doing, how I'm recovering, and makes me laugh so hard during class I forget about my pain for 50 minutes.
I am grateful for Campus Safety, who come pick me up and drive me around whenever I need them.
I am grateful for classmates who appreciate my help and ask for it.
I am grateful for a friend who drives me to Wal-Mart and wherever I need to because I don't have a car, and won't accept gas money for me to pay her back.
I am grateful for friends who come out in the rain and help unload my groceries because my feet are throbbing.
I am grateful for a grandmother who gives me money each semester.
I am grateful for a great-aunt and great-uncle who happily pay for me to go to this amazing school, taking a huge burden off my mom.
I am grateful for an RD who listens to me rant and doesn't get irritated.
I am grateful for friends who keep me from feeling alone.
I am grateful for a sister who offered to clean my room and wash my sheets before I go home next weekend.
I am even grateful for my migraines, because having them makes me appreciate the (albeit somewhat rare) times when my head does not hurt.

Today, I am tired, BUT I am also very grateful and very, very blessed.

I can't make up my mind.

I've never been very good at it.  I'm probably the most indecisive person I know.  It's always been this way.

But lately, the big issue for me has been this:  I get a gut feeling that I should make a certain decision or action.  I feel really good about this decision.  Then, I start to wonder if I'm making the right decision.  Is this what I want or feel, or is this what God is really trying to show me or give to me?  Am I imagining this is right, or is this really in God's plan?

Right now, I'm gonna be bold at the risk of making myself sound abso-freaking-lutely nutty:

On Tuesday, when I heard that The Vespers were performing yesterday, I decided to go find their website and learn a little about them.  I went to the bio links and read about all the members.  Bruno's was the last page I read.  The second I saw his picture, my first thought was "This might just be the guy I've been waiting for."  I have no idea why I thought that.  Looking back, I think I sound nuts thinking that just after looking at a guy's picture!  But all I knew at that point was there was an unexplainable tug that I was feeling towards that guy, and I really wanted to meet him.

The next morning, I couldn't believe the luck that in the super packed hall, I (literally!!) ran into him.  And then was smashed up next to him at lunch.  I usually get so nervous talking about my medical issues in detail, especially to strangers, but with him I was at ease.

But really, aside from my physical attraction towards him, I mentioned yesterday how he said that he believed "God has big, big plans in store for me".  I thought it was sweet, and a little surprising that he said that after talking to me for less than 45 minutes total.  Well, today, we added each other on Facebook, and I sent him a message thanking him for putting me so at ease yesterday and what a pleasure it was to spend time with him, Taylor, Callie, and Phoebe.  This was his response: 

"Mallory, thanks so much!  Your stories are way bigger than anything I'll ever do. You will do big things. Know it. See ya round, B"

Here's where the whole "I can't make up my mind" thing comes into play.  I keep asking myself Why did he say that again?? Is God trying to tell me something??? 

Am I just making all of this out to way more than it is?  Or is there something behind this, behind all of the new feelings I've had over the past two days?  I mean, I have never felt an instant attraction to someone.  Ever.  Not with Matt.  Not with Jay.  Not with Parker.  Not with anyone.  So that certainly surprised me.

I'm an oblivious person.  Ask anyone in my family - ask me to find something for you and I could walk straight in front of it and still not see it two inches from my face.  So it's really no wonder why I wish God would smack me in the face with the answer to this (and various other situations), right?  I just want to know if I'm crazy and wasting my time, or if there really is something going. 

I suppose all I can do right now is keep praying.  I want God's will, not my own.  I will be thrilled if there is something more to come from my meeting this fine band, but I will also be perfectly fine if I never see or speak to them again.  I'd just like to have a clue which direction I'm going.  Because right now I feel like I'm riding in a car with a blindfold on...

I think I have a new talent.

That talent is getting free CDs from bands.

Then again, maybe it's just sheer luck. But either way, it's still pretty awesome.

Here's a story:

Today, Campbell actually brought something fun to CUW. The entire session today was a folk band, The Vespers, playing for us. They're from Nashville. Two sisters, Callie (20) and Phoebe (18) Cryar, and two brothers, Taylor (21) and Bruno (19) Jones.

They. were. AWESOME. I don't even like folk music and I loved them! Callie and Phoebe have beautiful, soulful, chill-inducing voices, and they are all insanely talented on tons of different instruments! Seriously, in today's 45-minute show, there were drums, an electric bass, an upright bass, guitars (Bruno, Callie, and Phoebe all played this at one point or another), a ukulele, a mandolin, and a banjo. Plus, on their CD, they use an accordion, a piano, an electric guitar, a hammered dulcimer (whatever that is), a trumpet, and a glockenspiel. Yes, a freakin' glockenspiel. And they're all basically my age! I am in awe.

So as I was trying to get into CUW from US History (which are thankfully in the same building) the hallway outside the auditorium was crowded, so I was just standing back letting people go in. Turns out, I was standing next to Bruno. We talked for a few minutes, nothing special, and I took a picture with him, and then he brought Taylor, Callie and Phoebe over and they all took a picture with me.

Phoebe, Taylor, me, Callie, and Bruno.  Aren't they cute?!

Then, after the show, because of the location of my (assigned) seat, I was pretty much the last person out of the auditorium, and I spoke to Callie for a while. She was so sweet! I wished I hadn't had class at 11, or I definitely would've stayed and talked to them some more. I told Callie and Bruno that I didn't have money with me, but as soon as I got some I would order their CD from their site.

Well, after my 11:00 class, I went over to Marshbanks like I usually do for lunch. Who was the first person I saw in the meal line? Taylor. (He's really tall - he's kinda hard to miss.) I started talking to him while we were getting food about how awesome the show was, and he was talking about what a blessing it is to get to perform for a living. I asked him if I could sit with him and the others because I didn't have anyone to sit with, and he said sure. (Nice people!)

It was a packed table (11 people at a table made for 6), so I ended up at an end kinda smashed between Bruno and an old friend of mine, Taylor Cashwell, who now works at Campbell. Taylor mentioned that I was getting around nicely, and I said that I was so glad to be out of the power chair, and Taylor Jones (who was sitting on the other side of Bruno) asked me about it, so I had to explain about the foot surgeries and such. That turned into a crazy in-depth convo with Bruno (we were practically sitting on top of each other, so I guess it was natural that we talked to each other the most) about my story and testimony. He was very flattering and very sweet. He said I humbled him because any healthy person easily takes their health for granted, and that he believes that "God has big, big plans in store for me" (not sure how he felt that from our conversation, but it was still very sweet). And since the picture I had gotten with him before CUW had no flash and thus was really crappy, he took another picture with me. :)


Anyway, this is a lot of rambling to get to the part about the CD, but I also want to document this morning for my own memories. So anyway, during lunch, various students came up to the band and asked them to autograph their CDs. Of course, the band always did. After a while, I said to Bruno, "I don't have a CD, but I might just have to get your autographs anyway." Well, earlier, I had seen a few CDs stacked on the table, but I didn't know what they were there for. When I said that, though, Bruno picked up one of the CDs, handed it to me and said, "Here. You can have it." :O I was like "Really? Are you sure? This is how you guys make money, and you need money on tour, and ---" and then he cut me off and said, "Yeah. It's totally fine. We made way more than average this morning. Take it!" and kinda shoved it in my hands, then proceeded to open it for me when I couldn't get the plastic off and everyone signed it. I thanked him profusely. :) I tell ya, people like this just warm my heart. They remind me that maybe there are still good people in the world. ;)


Oh, and a shameless plug for my new friends: Check them out on Facebook as The Vespers, at twitter.com/thevespers, or at their website thevespersband.com :)

Then, tonight, I had another study session with Tyler, and he made me smile and laugh the entire time. So tonight was pretty awesome, too.

I like days like this.

Days that fly by.

Like really.

I have no idea where this day went!

I don't even really remember what I did today aside from go to Statistics and Science and eat pizza for dinner.

Maybe college really is making me dumber. ;)

Umm...yeah.

*crickets*

This cursor.

It's taunting me.

Taunting me, I tell you!

Flicker.

Flicker.

Flicker.

Mwahahaha, Mal.

You have no words to write.

So I'm just going to sit here.

And flicker.

And remind you!

You can't make me go away.

I am here.

Forever.

To remind you of the silence.

Mwahahahahahahaha..........

Wow. 

I need sleep.

That, or a straight jacket. ;)