First Day of Work

It was long.

And painful. (My feet do not like standing in the same place for seven hours.)

But I like it.

I caught on to the method of the register very quickly.

My coworkers and managers were all very nice and friendly and patient in helping me.

Only a couple strange customers.

But man, I limped home. Mainly because the first train I planned on using to get home wasn't running, so then I had to walk a long way to get to another train. And then I had to go to the pharmacy.

I immediately collapsed in the recliner, ended up talking to Mom for an hour and a half, and ate cereal straight from the box for dinner.

And then I passed out cold at 9 pm in the recliner.

Always

I only slept from about 2:45-7:00 this morning. The pain in my hips and legs make it impossible for me to get comfortable in any position, even in my precious recliner, so sleep has been limited since this started.

At 8:32 I got an email from my friends at The Anima Series titled "I will bless the Lord." This is an excerpt:

Making the choice to love, bless, and praise Him always, even when we don't feel like it is the sign of a mature faith. So bless the Lord today. Bless the Lord always. He never changes, and that means He is always worthy of praise.

I didn't realize until tonight just how well-timed that message was.

Long story short, while my doctor was able to eliminate some of the scariest things as possibilities for my pain that has continued to get worse, she couldn't tell me the cause. Of all the things she tested in the bloodwork she took on Friday, every single one of them came back perfectly normal. My muscles aren't breaking down, I'm not even close to having diabetes, my kidney and liver functions are great, I don't have the slightest sign of an infection anywhere in my blood...I didn't know I could produce medical results that good, basically.

But this soundly stumped my doctor, whom I greatly respect and trust. She even went to go consult her director because after she read the results aloud, she looked at me and said, "I...don't know what's going on." The end result was she took some more bloodwork to test hormonal imbalances and check my thyroid levels (which I needed to have rechecked anyway) and all that stuff, and if that all comes back clear, she's going to refer me to a neurologist that specializes in nerve issues, because after talking with her boss, the only other thing that they could come up with is nerve misfirings.

I didn't make it out of the exam room before I started crying. I just really wanted an answer because this keeps getting worse and I'm miserable. AND I got a phone call this morning and I have to go in for my first day of training at Walgreens tomorrow so I was absolutely terrified about making it through that in this much pain. So I got panicked.

When I got back from the doctor, I called the three people I turn to first, also because I knew they'd want to know: Austin, Mom, and Clayton. Luckily for me I called Austin first and caught him in the like 3 free minutes he had before work. And he was my encourager and supporter, as always. He's so good at reassuring me, just being there, and he will just listen to me vent if I need to cry. Mom is my reality check; she reminded me that I've dealt with a lot worse and therefore will manage to suck it up until we get this figured out, and that from what I told her of the doctor appointment it sounds like it's either steroid withdrawal (which the doctor said is pretty unlikely at this point because it keeps getting worse) or fibromyalgia and both of those are manageable. Clayton is my prayer buddy. He's the one who will pray over me when I don't know how to put what I'm feeling into words. No matter what, we end every conversation in prayer and every time we finish, I feel my body, mind, and heart settle down.

It was when I was talking to Clayton that I actually remembered that email from this morning. In that moment, I became so grateful for how my perspective changed in just 3 conversations. I cried in the exam room that I knew He was there and I just wanted to have some peace, and He gave it to me in spades. What else could I ask for?

I don't know what is going on in my body right now (but really, what else is new?), but that doesn't change who God is. He's good if I'm out living my life, He's good if I can't get out of bed. I praise Him because He is good when things are working out, I need to praise Him because He is still good even when things feel like they're falling apart. God is always good and always faithful, so He always deserve praise. It's that simple. I hope I learn to remember that always, in good times and in bad.

Faithful You have been, and faithful You will be
You pledge Yourself to me, and it's why I sing
Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips
Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips
-- "Ever Be", Bethel Music

The Heart of an Extrovert

Tonight, I'm really thankful to serve a God who cares about the details.

Today at church, we did something a little differently towards the beginning of the service and broke up into groups of 3 or 4 and spent time sharing prayer requests. Which, considering what's going on, could not have come at a better time. So I'm thankful that God made it happen this Sunday, the day before I go back to the doctor to hopefully get an answer as to what is wrong, as opposed to a different one.

I was with two girls, Karen and Jeri, and Jeri's boyfriend Matthias. I've met Karen before and talked to Jeri several times, but never Matthias, but I guess there's just something about a church that immediately makes us all family, so we were able to share with each other openly and honestly and it was just so sweet and, like I said, exactly what I needed.

Apparently I wasn't hiding the pain very well today, because several of my friends asked me what was going on after the service, and so basically, I was surrounded by people who promised to be in prayer for me and asked me to update them after my doctor appointment tomorrow. And you know, it's a really beautiful thing to have so many people who, when they say they'll be praying for you, you know they mean it. So many times we use "I'll pray for you" to quickly end a conversation or because we don't know what else to say, but with my City Grace friends, I don't know, I just feel like I really trust them when they say that to me.

And tonight, I was very very tired and miserable, and then I ended up spending close to two hours helping one of my brothers with his math homework over text and FaceTime, and really, I had no idea how much good that would do me. Despite the fact that, as it turns out, statistics drives me crazy, I was so happy to get to spend that time with him.

I'm a complete extrovert. I don't like being alone. Unless I really want (or need) to sleep, too much quiet drives me nuts, and even then I will wake up to help someone if they need me. Sometimes I will just start texting anyone in my phone until someone will have a conversation. (What? Just being honest.) Community really is so important to me, on both a Christian level and just a person level. The love and joy I feel radiating through my whole body just when I get the chance to talk to someone I care about absolutely makes me come alive. So this community I have now, both here in New York City and far away, well, I don't have words for how thankful I am.

Side note, I saw this tweet on Twitter last night...

People who respond to your weird facial expressions with equally weird facial expressions are the best kind of people
— anti joke apple (@antijokeapple) February 5, 2015

and while my immediate reaction was to think of the many hours I've wasted on FaceTime with Clayton making weird faces at each other, I soon realized just how many of my friends are complete goofballs just like me. I'm such a lucky girl.

Joy Parade

I will bend, and I will sway.
I will fight to stand up straight.
When troubled winds blow my way,
I won't break.

I will hope, and I will love.
I will give 'til there's enough.
That's the life I'm dreaming of.
I won't give up.

My head's spinning all around and round,
and the world keeps trying to bring me down, oh.
I bought a ticket to the joy parade,
and I ain't jumpin' off of this happy train, no.

I will stumble, I will crawl,
bang my head against these walls.
In the end, I won't have it all,
but I'll stand tall.

My head's spinning all around and round,
and the world keeps trying to bring me down, oh.
I bought a ticket to the joy parade,
and I ain't jumpin' off of this happy train, no.

I will sing, and I will shout,
let these words fly from my mouth.
I will live what this life's about
with or without.
I will live what this life's about
with or with out.

by Lennon and Maisy Stella, originally performed on the hit ABC TV show "Nashville"...the encouragement I needed today

I sing out and remind my soul I am Yours. I am forever Yours.

I went to the doctor today to try to get to the bottom of this truly terrible pain I've been in for the past week+. I kept waiting for it to get better and go away, but instead it just got worse, so I broke down and went to the doctor because I need help.

In true story-of-my-life fashion (at least that's how it feels), it's either nothing or something really, really bad. She said it could simply be a bad reaction to coming off the Prednisone that I was on for a month, but the words "fibromyalgia" and "rhabdomyolysis" were also tossed around a good bit as possibilities. You can click on those links and do a little bit of reading if you don't know what they are, and you will quickly see why we really, really do not want either of those to be the answers. She took a bunch of bloodwork to try and rule them out and told me to come back on Monday.

So now I get to wait. I get to wait until Monday and try not to get caught up in my own head with fear. I was so hopeful that this semester would go more smoothly than last, since I actually got to come back to school and my shoulder got fixed and was doing so well until this pain started. And now I'm scared that I'm going to have to deal with something else big and painful that's going to stand in the way of me surviving up here. I'm supposed to start my new job at Walgreens next week. How am I going to do that if I can barely handle standing up right now? It feels like my body really is falling apart, and I"m only 22.

But then I opened my Bible tonight to continue my nightly reading (though I missed the past few days from the sleep deprivation), and what's the first thing I see? John 9:1-3:

As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus answered, "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him."

Whatever this is, and everything else that I've dealt with in the past, it's not God punishing me. It's not because I'm a sinner, God loves me so I know that He doesn't want me to hurt, but He can absolutely use this for His glory and my good. I just have to hold tight to the promise that He is exactly who He has always claimed to be.

I read two extra chapters tonight to make up for missing the past two days, and when I got to Chapter 11, I found verses 21 and 22 in the story of Lazarus:

Martha said to Jesus, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you."

Martha was upset because she lost her brother, but she still chose to trust Jesus and his power. And if Jesus had come earlier to save Lazarus from dying, the people would not have been able to witness the miracle of him bringing a dead man back to life with nothing but three words. Bad things happening to me, that's not an excuse for me to turn my back on God. It's a reason for me to come closer to Him than ever before.

Two years, ten months, and one day ago (was it really that long ago? wow), I made a promise to give my life to the Lord. A God as faithful as He is deserves a faithful follower. God is the only reason I'm still alive right now; my only option is to trust that He's not done with me yet.

I told God that I wanted whatever He has for me, good or bad, all of it. Now is the time to live up to my word. Whatever Monday brings, my God is the same as He was yesterday, last month, and the day I got baptized.



If my heart is overwhelmed, 
and I cannot hear Your voice.
I hold on to what is true
though I cannot see.

If the storms of life, they come,
and the road ahead gets steep,
I will lift these hands in faith.
I will believe.

I remind myself of all that You've done
and the life I have because of Your son.

Love came down and rescued me.
Love came down and set me free.
I am Yours, I am forever Yours.
Mountain high or valley low,
I sing out and remind my soul
I am Yours, I am forever Yours.

Even if everything else is off-kilter...

The love is right on point.

I had conversations with Alex and Austin tonight, and I know that God was speaking to me through them because they both said things that I've been praying about lately without them knowing those things were on my heart.

Even if nothing else in my life makes sense, I can't forget that I am so loved. And I don't just have friends who love me, I have friends who love me enough to remind me to keep talking to God even when I'm mad.

I don't have a lot to say about today. I just want to put down in words just how thankful I am that there is one gift from God I can't lose sight of.

These loyal friends and their love for me is steady when the ground feels like it's shaking. And because of them, I know that God is close by even when it doesn't feel like it.

I'm ending the night with the Sanctuary livestream to help me remember that I serve a God who is pure love. He is the greatest love of all. What a cool thing, to serve a God like that.

Praying for answers tomorrow.

The Bright Side

Today the only sleep I got before class was about half an hour in the recliner around noon, only because I had time to kill. So yeah. My night was fun.

I was pretty miserable at not being able to sleep, since I knew that the nap I took yesterday wasn't the reason since I kept yawning so I knew that my body was plenty tired.

Then, around 5:30 this morning, as I laid there, I got a text. At first I thought who the heck is texting me at this hour?!

And it was Ricky. One thing I've told all my brothers is that if they needed me, they could call or text me anytime, and I knew if he was texting me at 5:30 am it had to be something. A second later, I remembered it was his big surgery day. He couldn't sleep, so he texted me because who else would better understand what he was feeling?

So we spent the next almost three hours on FaceTime talking about anything and everything and it was so much fun, for two sleep-deprived people. We made faces at each other, we laughed, we prayed, we shared stories, until I finally managed to get him to doze off.

It was a very sweet time, and I'm really glad that I was awake to hear his text. I love that there can even be a bright side to a lack of sleep.

Bounce

Sometimes I pick up the soccer ball I have sitting on my desk.

I know, a soccer ball isn't usually meant to sit on someone's desk as decoration. But I don't exactly have the physical ability to do much with it. And besides, I didn't get it to play with it, anyway. I got it to have a signed memento from the team of rowdy boys who became my family without me even asking for it.

Occasionally, though, I will pick it up and just bounce it.

Bounce.

We're still here, and we're not going anywhere.

Bounce.

God, I just want to thank you for our friendship and the bond that we share.

Bounce.

We've invested in you because you've invested in us.

Bounce.

You spending time with us made us better people.

Bounce.

We knew you were our sister pretty early on. We just had to let you in on the secret.

Down and back up again, every time I hear the voice of another one of my brothers. I see their faces. I relive a memory of one of them letting me know how they really felt about me, telling me that I didn't have to be scared of trusting them, like they knew that in my gut none of this made sense to me without me saying a word.

Bounce.

Angelita.

Bounce.

Mals.

Bounce.

Sister.

I hear their various nicknames for me, each one of them calling to me, usually with a big grin on their face, and I can't help but feel this burning ache. How can you know that you're exactly where you're supposed to be but also feel like your heart is being split in two? I left a piece of my heart behind with those boys, and I'm not even the tiniest microscopic bit sorry about it, but I can't pretend that this feeling isn't absolutely awful.

Seeing the ones that I was able to when I was there a few weeks ago was the most wonderful thing, but it only made leaving that much more saddening because it made the memory raw and stinging of who exactly I was leaving behind.

Bounce.

When are you coming back?

Bounce.

I'm gonna miss you so much.

Bounce.

Please come back next year. I want you to see us play again.

One of them asked me to come back for his graduation, and the fact that I couldn't promise him I'd be there was...just awful.

But you know what? With every bounce, I remember all the smiles, the laughter, the prayers, the food, the jokes. The way I screamed for a beautiful goal. The hugs I gave when I could see in their eyes just how upset they were over a loss. The way they thanked me just for showing up, when I felt like I was winning because I got to see them play and hang out with them. How special I felt when they called me their most dedicated fan.

And all that good stuff? It completely outweighs the bad feelings that come with missing the people I love. I wouldn't trade any of those moments for the world. Because those moments, they bonded us together. Through those moments, those boys let me be a part of the family that they could have so easily kept exclusively them. Those moments led to me watching almost every game this past season, even though I'm 600 miles away. Because that's what family does. They support each other even when it requires sacrifice. They show up en masse to be bodyguards even when it ends up being unnecessary. They're there to give hugs and prayers and encouragement and whatever is needed whenever it's needed. And family like that, it doesn't change even when a sister moves away.

This $6 soccer ball on my desk, it's a reminder that we're in it for good.

Bounce.

That time dirty socks taught me a lesson about Jesus.

So one of the ways that Holly helps me out while we live together is that we do our laundry together, so I can have her help physically moving and changing it all, since our laundromat is a couple blocks away.

Well, the thing about this arrangement is that I am at her mercy as to when she feels like doing laundry, as she has very little regard for whether or not I need stuff washed. And especially the past few days, the pain is so bad that I really couldn't just go do my laundry myself.

I got seriously upset and frustrated, way more than I should have, because she delayed doing laundry again, and I have no clean socks. I called Mom because I really just needed to vent, and she made me realize why I got so upset over the whole thing. (And that if I only have 12 days worth of socks, I should probably go buy more socks, anyway. Moms, what are they there for?)

I like structure. I thrive on structure. And that isn't a bad thing. As Mom said, that's how I managed to stay caught up in school through all the health stuff, how I graduated college with high honors, how I wrote 3 big grad school papers in 12 days. But most people are not as into structure and plans as me. (I responded no one is as structured as me.) Holly definitely is very go-with-the-flow and always has been. So if she decides on Monday that she really doesn't feel like doing laundry until Wednesday, it really doesn't make that much of a difference to her. And truly, it shouldn't have made that much of a difference to me. Wearing dirty socks for a day won't kill me. Also, I really should go buy more socks.

But the thing that stood out to me was that, almost instantly, my mom said, "You're frustrated because you're not in control of the situation." At first, I thought she was lecturing me about being a control freak again, to which I said she was completely missing the point because I wasn't trying to be a control freak. She replied, "No, I'm not saying you're being a control freak. I'm saying that you're dependent on her in this situation because you need her help, and everyone hates when they have to depend heavily on someone else because then they can't control the situation."

After I got off the phone with her, all I could think about was all the times I've gotten scared or frustrated or upset because I had to depend completely on God and I couldn't see what was coming, all the times I knew that I wasn't in control. It can often really suck. It's scary, and not a good feeling, especially for someone like me who thrives when I know what is going to happen and when it's going to happen.

This is why I picked FEARLESS as my One Word for this year. Because I want to take my sanity back. I only have a tiny piece of this scroll that is rolled out for eternity. I'm going to not know the details or the plan a heck of a lot more than I'm going to know them. God is the one good consistently good thing in my life; trusting God really should not scare me. There's a reason the Bible says "Do not be afraid" several hundred times. In fact, I was reading John 6 last night and the disciples are in a boat on the ocean when Jesus comes up to them in the dark and they're scared and all he says is "It is I, do not be afraid." I know that God is in control. I should find peace in that, not fear. I pray that this year is the year I become able to live that out.

And so yeah. That's the story of how dirty socks taught me a lesson about Jesus.

An Ode to Marshawn Lynch

Oh, dear Beast Mode,
You have the hearts and sympathies of the 12th Man tonight.
All the media likes to talk about
is that you won't talk to them.
But the 12th Man, we know.
We know of your skill.
We know of your heart.
We know you're called Beast Mode for a reason.
Which is why we're utterly shocked and dismayed that on the last play of the game,
with just a yard to a touchdown that would have won your team another Super Bowl,
your quarterback (who's pretty awesome himself...most of the time), well,
he threw to someone else, someone else being a guy on the other team.
You should've been it, Beast Mode.
You should've been it, because we know you would have gotten it done.
You would've saved the day.
So you have our sympathies, our sympathies on their mistake.
On their oversight of your greatness under pressure.
Maybe next time, Beast Mode.
Maybe next time the ones calling the plays will know...
They'll know that you're called Beast Mode for a reason,
and they should trust you to get it done.
Maybe they'll see what we knew in the moment.
But no matter what, you're still Beast Mode,
with your flowing hair,
and your goofy grin,
and your powerhouse build,
and your block-defying strength and agility.
And they're still the Seahawks.
We know they're your boys.
And your boys are our boys.
So we'll stand proud over a great season
and some unbelievable comeback wins.
And we'll get ready for next year
to cheer you on as loud and proud as ever.
Go get 'em, Beast Mode, and remind 'em why you earned the name.

"You don't feel in Beast Mode, it feels you." - Marshawn Lynch aka "BEAST MODE"