Because what good pirate wouldn't get arrested?

Praise the Lord.

I got to go back to Dance with Me last night for their Halloween party. I haven't been since May because I wanted to get my seizures under control so they didn't have to keep dealing with me/them. Well, not only did I finally get to go back, but I made it through the whole party without a single problem.

It was so much fun, too. It was basically starting over for me, but everyone there was super patient, especially with my perfectionist tendencies, haha. But I saw several familiar faces, and they remembered me like no time had passed.

I wore last year's costume, but who really cares. I love it. I got tons of compliments on it last night, which felt really good.

Here are some fun pictures.

And yes, that last picture is totally my new profile pic on Facebook. :D

Five good things of today.

Duke won the national championship. Happy for my grandma.

I got to come home. I love my recliner.

I took Mom to meet a bunch of my DWM fam. That made me SO happy.

There was gelato. Delicious, delicious gelato.

Clayton asked me to FaceTime. Usually I initiate so that made me happy, plus it's always sweet to get to talk to him.

One bad: I have to go to work tomorrow. Ew.

"You will always be welcome here."

First Sunday, now today.

Since I'm fairly certain that as nasty as my leg, ankle, and foot look, they're just horrendously bruised, I decided to go back for another dance class today. (Plus, I missed it. What can I say? That place is infectious.)

I was nervous this time, only because the worrier in me was afraid that having two seizures in three visits was going to make them not want me anymore. The logical part of my brain knows that's ridiculous, but logic and emotions don't always mesh very well. I had sent Kosta, the manager, an email last Tuesday night, and I just hoped that he read it, because it explained everything on my heart. I didn't get to talk to anyone before class because everyone was still teaching, but they all said hello and it was a lot of fun just to watch them. You can tell their different styles of teaching, and plus it just fascinates me that that many lessons can go on in such a small space and no one runs into each other!

In the middle of the group lesson, Kosta walked over and looked at me and said "I just read your letter." He held his hands in the shape of a heart, said "It was beautiful. Thank you, love," and blew me a kiss. That alone told me everything was okay.

But I still wanted to talk to him for a second afterwards. So I got his attention in his little glass office thing, and when he finished what he was doing, he came out and talked to me.  He immediately smiled at me. I said "So you read my email?" And he started talking about how he didn't want me to feel bad and that it was okay. He asked me again when I was going into the hospital and what they'd be doing and wished me the best. But then he said one thing that really stuck out to me.

"God forbid it should happen again, but if it does, it does. You will always be welcome here."

This was my fourth time in that studio, and I can already tell you that this is one of the happiest things in my life. With my disabilities, and the epilepsy, and all the other stuff, it can be very hard for me to feel normal. And sometimes, all I want is to just blend in with everyone else. But it's very clear why the Dance With Me Studios are collectively referred to as the DWM Fam...because they treat everyone who walks through their doors like they're family. And when you're family, you belong. The only other times I remember feeling this sense of safety and peace and belonging as soon as I stepped foot somewhere were in the Reformation classroom and the soccer field with my brothers there. I told Kosta in my email that I feel included and seen and beautiful there, which are all often rare things for me, so it means the world. When you know you're different, even when you know it's a good thing, sometimes it can be so relieving not to feel different for a change.

Sweet Kosta. Don't let this picture fool you. He's actually 6'5". Intimidating at first sight, but a total gentle giant. ;) 

After class, I went home, skipping the party (not that I had the $15 anyway) to end on a high note while I was feeling okay. But I didn't really want to go home, so I went in Spiegel and hung out with my buddy.

A terrible picture, but this is Eldar. He's one of the bartenders there, and he's just a doll. I've gotten in the habit of going by every shift he's on just to give him a hug and say hi. He gives awesome hugs. And he must be special, because he doesn't find it weird at all. :p But seriously, the guys there have told me I'm always welcome to hang out there, even if I don't have money to eat. They treat me like a VIP - it's like they have my usual order posted in the kitchen or something - and they always greet me with hugs, no matter who is on when I stop by. I'm being perfectly honest when I say that there have been days when stopping by there has been the only good thing in my day.

So all of this is to say that this week something has been made abundantly clear to me:

I really belong here. Thanks be to God.

(PS: I was talking to Mike before I left, and this was part of the conversation:
Mike: You have a bad bruise on your arm! (yeah, turns out there is also a large purple bruise on the back side of my right upper arm, which is why I never noticed it.)
Me: (shows him my leg and ankle) I had a nasty fall on Saturday.
Mike: How'd that happen?
Me: Let's just say it involved vodka and a bar stool and not enough balance.
Mike: (laughs) Okay, I'll let you save that story for another time. Because, wow.
Me: There are many sides to me that you wouldn't expect from the surface.
Mike: I bet! I can tell!
:D)

Life is cool.

Because sometimes my British parents (Paddy's parents) pick New York City for their first visit to America and they make a crazy itinerary fit in with my schedule and I get to see them and hug them for the first time in almost seven years. And they're still my Mum and Dad and I'm still their American daughter.

Because my time with them ended right before stuff at the dance studio started, and I had told the staff that I would come back tonight if it were at all possible.

Because I got to dance again (for FREE) and confirm that dancing really is something that makes me feel my soul come alive.

Because the staff there already feels like family. When I only met them last week. (I told Mike that the DWM Soho staff were some of the nicest people I've met in New York and he replied, "That's because none of us are from here." Ha!)

Because I made it through the whole event (group class + party) before I had a seizure. Literally, people were packing up and leaving. Talk about frustrating.

Because when I started crying from embarrassment, people hugged me and told me I had nothing to be embarrassed about or feel bad about, that they were still glad I was there. And they didn't tell me I shouldn't come back, just maybe that I shouldn't push myself so hard. (Which I knew that. The group class plus the party was more than an hour and a half of dancing, but the lesson yesterday was only about 35 minutes, and I had no problems in the group class which was about 45 minutes, so just that might be fine time-wise.)

Because out of 8.5 million people in New York City, and 1.8 million in Manhattan, I got the exact same two EMTs as last week. What are the odds?

Because when I was feeling really down and upset and frustrated, I called Clayton, and an hour of talking things out with my best friend helped me calm down. That's one of the many reasons I know he's my best friend - talking to him helps me calm down when I feel like everything is out of control.

Because wrestling with questions is okay, even if sometimes I don't feel like it is.

Because my life is never going to be simple and I'm never going to be able to do everything that I want to do, but I'm still trying. I'm still stubborn. And I'm still living.

With every broken bone, I swear I lived.

I woke up today mixed with emotions. Part of me wished I was still on the retreat, but the other part of me was SO excited to go back and see this guy.

The second I walked back in the Dance With Me SoHo studio, people were greeting me and giving me hugs. They remembered me (hopefully for more than just my seizure). They asked me how I was doing and told me they were so happy to have me back. It felt so warm and welcoming that even though I'd been shaking a bit walking in just from excitement and nerves, I was immediately put at ease.

Kosta, the manager, who is, like, a giant, came out and greeted me while Mike was doing something, and then we got to work. We covered the basics of the rumba, salsa, and the waltz in 30 minutes and it was so much fun. I can't say that enough. Maybe it's just because music has always been in my blood, but my whole body felt happy every second of it. I didn't want it to end. And unfortunately, because private lessons are so expensive, it'll be a while before I get to do this again until I get a higher paying job. They do have group lessons and parties, though, which are way cheaper, and I actually also get one of each of those free, so I will definitely still at least be attending some of those. I've got the dancing bug now! :)

And as it turns out, despite my utter lack of coordination, I'm actually pretty good at it! Mike said I was doing a lot of things correctly and that I was a really fast learner. The only thing I really messed up on was the salsa spins. He also told me that unlike a lot of the beginners he sees and teaches, I was really good about keeping eye contact with him and not spending the whole time staring at my feet working on getting everything right. It took a lot of willpower not to respond "Well, have you SEEN you? You're pretty easy to want to look at." I mean, come on. ;)

While we were working, we got to talk a good deal, so I told him that I've been in music, playing and singing, since I was 9, so I had the advantage of knowing rhythm and counting. I also told him about how when I was 9 I told Mom I wanted to be a dancer and so today was really fulfilling a longtime dream of mine.

One thing that really stood out to me, though, is that we were talking about my disabilities while he was showing me a step, and he said something about getting out and doing this is me overcoming my disabilities. He said he thought it was awesome that I still wanted to try this despite how my body can mess up on me so much. So I told him that that is something that I hear a lot from people, how amazing they think it that I don't let my physical problems get in the way of me getting out and at least trying to do things, but that if I never tried anything that seemed like it might hurt or be too hard I would be pretty sad and very, very bored. That cracked him up.

But it's true. As cliché as the saying is, I want to do whatever I can while I'm alive. I don't want to look back and wish I'd taken an opportunity that was in front of me. And like I said, this has been a dream for 13 years now, one that I long ago gave up hope on. I know I would've regretted not exploring this. I never want my body or my disabilities or my health issues to define who I am or hold me back in fear. I want to take full advantage of everything I have in this life.

The title is from OneRepublic's "I Lived". Check out the lyrics. It says everything I mean and am trying to say.

"It's your choice, Ace. People can live a hundred years without really living for a minute. You climb up here with me, it's one less minute you haven't lived." ~ Gilmore Girls

I swear, I really lived today.

I choose to dance.

When I was nine, my mom had to sit me down and ever-so-gently explain to me why it wasn't physically possible for me to be a dancer. Looking back, it's kind of laughable that I ever thought I could be, what with my birth defects and disabilities and everything and knowing all that came in the years after that conversation, but call it the naïveté of a child.

Because I bought a ticket to the Sway meet and greet back in December, I was automatically put on an email list. Most of the events in the emails, I haven't been able to attend because I couldn't afford it, but tonight, every dance studio in the Dance With Me family was hosting a premiere party to celebrate the new season of Dancing with the Stars. It was free. DWM has a studio in Soho. That was just calling my name!

Tonight was the big night. I put on a dress (which anyone who knows me knows is a rare occasion) and headed down. Literally down - it was in the basement of the building.

At first it was a bit awkward because, since I didn't go with anyone, I just sat there and watched people. There were still some lessons going on, so I got to watch some. I was dancing by myself to some of the music they had on, ha! But then, everyone was able to get up and dance for a bit before the show started, so I saw this fella standing there, and feeling brave, walked up and asked him to dance with me. (Get it? :p)

This is Mike! My first ever dance teacher. He's wonderful. I get a free lesson for coming tonight, and I've already decided I want him to be my teacher. After a bit, Mike switched partners with this guy.

Daniel! He had me laughing, mostly when he told me I should stop gripping his hands so hard.

They were the only two I got pictures with, because then the show came on and everyone was much more distracted, but I'm just happy I have a couple to memorialize the experience.

Everyone was even dancing during the commercial breaks, so I got to dance with a guy named Justin, and then Mike again (we just spotted each other and were both free and went 'why not?'), and then totally claimed a guy named Andrey for the next round because he just looked adorable (which thankfully he was fine with, haha!).

Well, in the middle of dancing with Andrey, I had a seizure. Sigh. I think it was just because it was so hot down there PLUS I danced five different times and when I was dancing with Andrey I think I just did one too many spins. Luckily, Andrey caught me so I didn't hit or hurt anything which means I could avoid another hospital trip. Also, thankfully I had mentioned my seizures in conversation so people knew I have a disorder and thus weren't completely terrified. I was so embarrassed and frustrated for interrupting the party and because I really was having such a good time. But anyway, the ambulance was called while I was still out so they came and checked me out and actually went up with me and waited and hailed a cab so no one else had to miss any of the show. That was nice. I knew I didn't need to go to the hospital because I felt like I normally do after a seizure, shaky, nauseous, but mostly just very tired.

Honestly, though, I got home and almost immediately started sobbing. All that was running through my head was that I just wanted to have a normal night for once. I had been looking forward to this night for several weeks and of course my stupid body had to go and ruin it. I felt like an idiot for going tonight and breaking the 3+ month seizure-free streak I had going. But then I talked to Mom and she reminded me of all the seizures I've had sitting down doing nothing. She also told me she was proud of me for going because she never wants to see me stop living my life because of all my health issues.

And she's right. I had SUCH a good time up until the seizure. Everyone there wasn't just talented, they were so kind and welcoming and fun that I didn't feel like a total oddball for being new and alone. And when I was dancing, I was so genuinely happy even though I had no idea what I was doing and not to mention it's physically SO hard. What kind of life would I be living if I didn't do stuff like this that I love? Like Mom said, I could have had a seizure sitting at home (I HAVE had a seizure sitting at home) and you know, I have a disorder that's not going to go away. It's much more controlled than it has been and even if dancing tonight is what brought it on, I only have one life. I deserve to do things that make me happy. Things that I love.

Dance With Me studios are 100% open to anyone, even people with all sorts of disabilities (They're even certified to teach wheelchair dance! How cool is that?!) so I can't see the seizure making them take back their offer of giving me a free lesson. So you know what? I'm going to go to it and I'm going to have fun and I'm going to DANCE.

I'll probably stick with the slower dances next time, though.

(And bring LOTS of water. Lots and lots of extra water. Basements are hot.)