And now it's the end of June.

My muscles are so weak still.  It's really quite aggravating.  I had to get the neighbor to help me lock my gate because I couldn't get the lock to shut.  Thank God for nice neighbors.

Still no update on the loan stuff.  We're running out of options, so I would appreciate your continued prayers.

I'm officially sick, too.  Surgery and sickness always seem to run in tandem for me.

Today has been soccer and Dateline and taking care of Mom and that's really quite about it.  Ten more days until she's off the crutches!  That's what her doctor said at her appointment last week so yay for that.

This is how bored I've been:  I spent ten minutes asking Siri the weather for different cities around the world.  I really need a life.

On the Mend

Well, today wasn't great, but it was better recovery-wise than yesterday, and for that, I am thankful.

I haven't wanted to sleep the day away, and I actually made it through both World Cup games (one going through 30 minutes of extra time plus penalty kicks), so that's progress.

But I definitely still have a long way to go.  I took a shower and then put a load of dirty clothes in the washer late this morning, and I thought I was going to pass out.  It's amazing how long a surgery on one small part of your body can continue to drain the energy of your entire body.

Another thing I am thankful for is friends who check in on me, particularly ones that I haven't gotten to talk to in a while.  Small things like that make me smile. :)

Also, I changed my computer background tonight.  I needed this.  When I get into my new place in NYC, I'm going to cover the whole twelve inches of it in Scripture, haha.  (No, there's no update on the loan situation yet, just thinking positive.)

One step forward, two steps back.

I feel worse today than I did yesterday.

So I'll count my blessings that I have not had trouble sleeping today.

Man, I am so ready for this recovery thing to be over.

Seek and Find

My mom and I were fighting for the past 24 hours.  There was lots of yelling and accusations on both sides.  And then we got past it, I think.  At least I did.  Three cheers for two emotional women trapped in a house together.

But I've been reflecting on everything that was said, and one thought has been stuck in my head.  I don't say any of this to throw my mother under the bus, please understand that.  It seems to me that one of the recurring problems in our fights is that I end up feeling like my mom is constantly invalidating my feelings.  She frequently tells me I'm being ridiculous when I try to tell her what I'm feeling, or what I think is happening in a situation is wrong, or things like that.

But that's got me thinking...why am I asking her to validate me?  Why do I care if she thinks my feelings are worth having?  The very essence of my being is that my worth comes from God and God alone.  Yes, I respect my mom and I want to honor her, but she doesn't have to like the way I feel for it to be okay.  God knows my heart, I want God to lead my heart, that's what matters.

I'm a people pleaser, especially with my mom.  I've spent pretty much every day of my life trying to be good enough for her and trying to make her happy and proud.  I'm not saying that that's a bad thing, I'm just saying it can't be such a high priority anymore.  Not just because it's exhausting, but because nothing can come before pleasing God, and pleasing God and pleasing my mom will almost never be the same thing because she doesn't want to please God.

"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

Validation from God is the only kind of validation that matters, and that's the validation that I never, ever have to work for.  I didn't have to find it.  It was given to me right from the start.

Thursday

The pain is not any better than yesterday.

We had a big day of soccer and lots of good food.  The US is on to the round of 16 and Mom made lemon rosemary chicken.

So I'm happy.

But I hurt so bad.

And I have to call my doctor in the morning because I need better pain meds.

In which I realize I'm an idiot.

I was having a hard time trying to figure out what to write tonight.  On a whim, I decided to open my Bible app to see if anything inspired me.  I'll be honest, I hadn't opened it recently, in far too long, and there's no excuse for that.  I had no idea where I'd left off last time, and it was open on 2 Timothy 3.  I read through that, but nothing in particular jumped out at me.  Then, "James 1" popped in my head so I went there and read that chapter.  This passage was exactly what I needed to hear.  Don't you love it when that happens? :)

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.  But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.  For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." James 1:5-8

You know how sometimes God speaks to you out of a passage, but you know that if you try to explain to someone else how you got that message out of that verse or set of verses you know that you'll sound crazy and unbelievable?  Well, if what I'm about to write makes you think I'm crazy, just go with me.  You know how I work - these are my honest and unfiltered thoughts.

I've been lying to myself, and subsequently, I've been lying to others.  I didn't mean to.  I didn't even really realize I was doing it until I read those verses.  I've been telling people that I trust God, but in reality, my mind and heart have been filled with panic and doubt and overwhelming, soul-crushing fear.  I try and try to focus on the truths of God's character, but I always go back to freaking out about whatever is my latest stress.  Breaking news: THAT'S NOT TRUST.

This passage addresses exactly what I said was a major struggle of mine a few days ago: I know God can help me and fix my troubles, but I don't believe He will fix them.  "For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord."  I don't believe I'm going to receive God's good gifts.  And I think that's because I still don't believe I'm worthy of it.  Even though I know that God loves me unconditionally, I think deep down I still believe that it's pointless and God should give that love to someone who deserves it more than I do.  I'm fighting what Jesus paid the ultimate price to give me.

I know that God is on a much different scale than humans, but when I saw that line about "for that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord," I thought about my relationships with my friends and family.  If I asked my mom to do something for me that I couldn't do, but I automatically assumed she wasn't going to do it, that would just put added stress on me, probably make me angry at her, and undeservingly make her the "bad guy" in my mind because she didn't live up to the expectations I had for her...without me ever giving her the chance.  And then, the next time I ask her to do something, she'd likely not see the point in even trying because I'd end up unhappy anyway.  Why should I think doing that to God would be any different?  I start worrying that God won't help me as soon as I pray about something.  Maybe God's waiting for me to stop doing that and learn to trust before He starts to show Himself.

And the only person that all of this is hurting is me.  I'm missing the stability that people receive when they give their lives to the Lord.  I'm "a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind."  I'm able to be pushed about by the sin and negativity of the world because I haven't rested in the unshakeable foundation of God and my faith.  So what the heck am I really doing with my life?  How can I really serve God if I haven't trusted Him with everything in my life?  If I don't want sin and the enemy to have any sway in my heart or mind or decisions, I have to give in and allow myself to be fully protected by God.

I can't believe I still haven't gotten this straight.  I know I'm not always going to get it right, I just didn't realize I still had so far to go or that I was still so hesitant about such a basic thing as trusting the God to whom I owe everything.  I thought I had found stability when I became a Christian, but I guess I've lost sight of the fact that trust is something I have to work on every day.  I've become so overwhelmed by the problems in my life that I've forgotten the most basic of truths: GOD IS BIGGER.

God is bigger and God is more important and God is sufficient to get me not only through these problems I'm facing, but also to get me to exactly where I need to be once these storms have passed.  I've been feeling so unstable and scared because I've been trying to split my focus between this world and my God.  But even more simply than that, I have to believe that God will help me.

It seems so simple, doesn't it?  What took me so long?

Lord, forgive me for my mistakes, and help me to rest in Your goodness.  I am Yours, and You are mine.  Forever.

I scare myself when I look in the mirror.

I wish that were some profound, introspective comment about my character, but it's not.

No, what I mean is that I freak myself out anytime I see my reflection because there is blood in my eyeballs.  It's not just a bloodshot look, either; it's full-on, bright red, zombie-mode blood.  And it's only on half of each eyeball, which is even freakier.  And I didn't take a picture; I don't want to scar you for life.

Today has been very, very rough.  Every part of my body is in excruciating pain.  This has happened after some surgeries, but not all of them.  It absolutely sucks.

Also what sucks is that my doctor, even though he seemed okay with the fact that I would need heavier pain meds than most to deal with post-op pain, only wrote me 12 pills of a low-dose pain med with one refill.  Even if I take 2 at a time, it barely touches the pain.  Not cool.  I'm predicting he'll be getting a call in a few days.

I'm basically just in recovery mode hell today.  It's too soon to say if the surgery helped my headaches because I don't know if the pain I'm feeling is from a migraine or from surgery.  My mom did say she can tell my left eye is much straighter, though.  I'll know for sure how everything is when I go to my post-op next week.

That's all for now.  I remember almost nothing about yesterday, so I don't have many details to give you.  Good night.

I'm okay.

I feel about as good as can be expected, I suppose.

Likely won't know how successful it was until my postop next week.

It actually ran on time today. Yay.

Details some other time. Bye.

Here we are again.

Surgery #21 in the morning.

Part of me thinks that I should be used to this by now, that I shouldn't still get nervous the night before and morning of a surgery.

But then part of me thinks I'm human - getting nervous about surgery is a pretty dang normal reaction.  This isn't something you get used to.  Especially once you've been that "rare unexpected complications" patient.

So yeah.  Here we are.

It's set for 9:45 Eastern, but surgery centers/ORs rarely run on time, so we'll see if it actually happens then.

As usual, will post as soon as I can to say I'm okay.

God's power scares me.

Knowing someone is in control of the whole universe and everything in it is hard enough on a good day, but when you've got big problems to deal with, it's even harder not to be afraid.  At least that's my opinion.

I've probably said this before, at least I know i've said it in person, but one of my biggest struggles with my faith is knowing full well that God is totally capable of taking care of my problems/struggles, but not totally believing that God will take care of them.

This has often been an issue with my chronic pain.  It scares me sometimes to think that God's plan for my future may include a lot more pain than I am okay with or prepared to handle.

But now, it's really an issue with this whole loan problem and the lack of money for NYU.  I know that God can provide the money, but I'm scared that it won't happen and I'll be stuck in Swansboro for another year.

I am powerless to whatever God wants to do.  And while in my gut I know that that is a good thing because God is soooo much better at running my life than I am, I'm not exactly happy about it.  Because what if I don't get to go to NYU in August?  What if God's plan for my life isn't me going to grad school?  What if what feels right to me isn't actually right?

I need to get out of here.  I'm already miserable enough here this summer, and that was when I had NYU as the light at the end of the tunnel.  I need to start my life on my own away from all the drama, away from the responsibility people expect me to have to be the peacemaker, to be the one who just goes along with everyone else.  I need it.  And I'm scared it's not going to happen.

But you know what?  If I don't have my faith, I have nothing.  If I don't have trust in God, I have no idea who God really is.

Surrender is hard.  But it's so worth it.

Can it be Monday already?

So ready for this surgery.

So ready to see if maybe THIS will be the thing that cures 21 months of constant head pain.

It's scheduled for 9:45 am Eastern, but whether it happens then or not is anybody's guess.  ORs aren't exactly known for running on time.

I am anxious but excited and ready.

Actually, on second thought, I'm looking forward to Sunday night, too.  The US is taking on Portugal in the World Cup and it's going to be a tense game.

I'm tired and my eyes are throbbing, so good night.

Say Something

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dYlvdLdK9w

This is a video/song cover that gives me chills no matter how many times I play it.  I'm not sure why. I can't think of many other songs/videos that do that.  I can't actually think of any right now.  It's like it's stirring up some emotions in me that I can't put words to yet.  Isn't it funny how music can do that?  It's as if it has magical powers, able to do things to you that you don't understand and are utterly powerless to.

Stuff like this, it's why music is my passion.

Listen to the song.  It's stunning.

That'll do it.

So yeah.  Figured out why I was an emotional mess yesterday.  Forgot to take my morning meds.  My morning meds include my anxiety meds.  Yep.  That would do it.

Also, Mom has been at her boyfriend's house since yesterday evening.  Here's the irony for you.  Since her surgery last week, all I've wanted was a night off from having to take care of her, and now she's been gone for more than twenty four hours and I miss having her here.  Because of course.

The day has been spent curled up in bed, flipping between the World Cup and an SVU marathon, and dealing with my aggravating dogs.  I also got a random nerve and wrote a four-page piece that came out of just an introduction paragraph that came into my head and begged to be let out.  Is this what being a writer feels like?  I guess it's practice for that book everyone tells me I need to write. ;)

I'm tired.  I've been waking up early the past few mornings.  Which is weird and very unlike me.  But it is what it is.  Good night.

Honestly

It's been a rough day.  I've cried a lot, at least a lot more than I normally do when I'm not PMSing.  There's a lot of things that are going on in this family and I guess all the stress of it has just been piling up on me and I lost it today.

I don't have funding for NYU right now.  I went through every person at the federal student loans place that I could talk to and $3600 of medical debt is keeping them from being able to give me the loans.  It's just an extra punch in the gut that, essentially, my medical problems are standing in the way of me being able to go to grad school.  So now goes talking to banks.  Which I have no idea what that entails, and a lady at the bank that I work out of said after talking to me that it seems that it will be very difficult for me to get a personal loan, but at least she offered to do some research for me and see if she can find something that will help.

I also didn't get housing through NYU.  Which is just going to add more complications, stress, and fees.

Plus, there's all sorts of crazy stuff going on with Mom, Chelsea/Blake, Mommom, and even Holly.  Crap is just pouring down on my family right now.

I'm mostly just scared.  Scared that our lives aren't going to ease up anytime soon.  Scared that I'm not going to get NYU to work out.  Scared that I'm going to be stuck in this house and in North Carolina. Scared that everything I've worked for for so long isn't going to happen, all because of medical problems biting me in the ass.  Scared that my mom is going to lose it.

I will say that one good thing about today was a conversation that I got to have with Clayton today.  We all need those friends that we can call at the drop of a hat for a pick-me-up, and in the absence of Austin who is working a crazy summer at camp, Clayton is definitely a good second choice. ;)  I got to talk to him about everything that is going on and everything that is going on in my head because of it.  Talking to him involved tears, but thankfully listening to me cry didn't seem to scare him too bad. :p  And it was the first time I smiled all day today.  I'm so thankful for him.

I keep trying to tell myself that all of this upsetting stuff and stress is a test of faith.  I know God has pulled me through some seemingly hopeless situations before, and He can do it again.  I've never doubted that God is capable of anything, I don't doubt that He can take care of all these NYU details, I just struggle with being sure that He will.

I wish I knew how to properly describe all of the emotions running around inside me tonight.

Honestly, though, I'm just scared.  And I need to seriously submerse myself in the Word because I don't want to be scared anymore.

I love the World Cup.

Yay soccer.

USA finally beat Ghana after being knocked out of the previous two World Cups by them.

I feel like crap.

I'm so tired.

That is the highlight of today.

All else that has happened is a bunch of errands and taking care of Mom.

So yay soccer.

Yes, Taylor, I, too, am feeling 22.

So uh, yeah, it's my birthday today.  How about that?

Truth be told, I think once you get past 18 and 21, birthdays sort of lose their excitement.  I mean, it's cool and all, but there isn't some special feeling about today.  Today doesn't feel much different than yesterday, aside from the numerous people leaving comments on my Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram and texting me about my birthday and the cards I got from my grandma and uncle.

Anyway, yeah, it's my birthday.  It's been kind of a dud, but that's okay.  I've had some pretty awesome birthdays, and I'm sure I'll have some more.

Today has, surprise surprise, largely been spent taking care of Mom, but I'm thankful that her boyfriend came over for a few hours and gave me a reprieve because the pain has been very bad.  Mom gave me a Percocet not long after he got here and ordered me to go to bed.

I got to talk to Matt, too, which was great because I'm pretty sure this is the first birthday of mine that we haven't spent together since we met.  So that's weird, but it's life.

I did get this in the mail today.  Yes, I know the mail doesn't run on Sundays.  This is just the first time I remembered to check the mail in several days.

The Vespers' new CD!  I bought three copies (via their Kickstarter fundraiser); let's see who I decide to give the others to.

I also decided to treat myself to this.

If I can't have an exciting birthday, at least I can have chocolate wine.

Lastly, today is a special day for a totally different reason.

I pulled out a photo album and found a photo of my dad and me that isn't the same one I've posted here multiple times before...See that grin on my face?  (I was a cute kid, huh?)  I was also happiest in my daddy's arms from the very beginning.  The years that my birthday and Father's Day coincide are weird for me because I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to react.  It's hard to have this ache for someone I never really got the chance to know.  But he was still my dad, and there are things I know. I know that he was my everything.  I know that people called me "Keithina" because I was his mini-me.  I know that Carter-Finley Stadium was his favorite place in the world because he so loved the Wolfpack.  And I know he adored his girls more than anything.  So for that, I celebrate.

I pray I can keep clinging to God in the next year, because I'm definitely going to need it.

Here's to 22.

I'm happy.

The vast majority of today was spent sitting in Mom's bed watching terrible movies and laughing hysterically.

Today was a good day.

Despite the fact that I am sick as a dog, I'm happy because it was good to just be together.

Tomorrow is my birthday, and it will certainly be a birthday like no other, but that's okay, too.

I wouldn't complain if my sinuses eased up, though.  Really.  Just being honest here.

This is going to be a long six weeks.

Because seriously, it's only been three days of Mom needing me for everything and I am totally exhausted.

How I'm going to manage when I'm recovering from my own surgery I do not know.

Lord, help me.

Also, it'd be good if I could not be sick, because I know that's not helping my exhaustion. Just saying.

I gotta get back to sleep so I can rest before she needs me again.

And now not so much.

My loans are actually not okay.  Prayers I can get this straightened out ASAP would be much appreciated.

And also, the massive allergy attack has officially set in.  I was doing really well for a long time because we did such a deep clean on the house and now...no.

It's funny how one day can be so awesome and the next day can be so not, isn't it?

Everything hurts, especially my head.  Good night.

Today is absolutely fantastic.

Yay yay yay yay yay.

I got my financial aid information from NYU today and they're giving me enough loans to not only cover all of my tuition and fees, but also most, if not all, of my living expenses, too. Yes, I'm going to have a crapload of student loans at the end of two years, but you know what? I went to a private university for undergrad for free - I'm gonna be doing a heck of a lot better than most people coming from my family financial situation.

So it's officially official - I'm going to New York City!!!!!! And also, I'm just so relieved that IT IS DONE! We don't have to stress about that anymore. Now just waiting on housing stuff.

Also, my diploma came in from Campbell today.

And Mom continues to do really well.

AND I got to spend half an hour on the phone with Ryann today which did so much good for my soul. I miss that girl more than I can properly put into words, but I'm thankful we still have this incredible bond even when we're far apart.

I will tell you, though - I am exhausted. This round-the-clock nursing care is not for the faint of heart. And getting woken up 4 times in 5 hours is a massive shock for someone who's never had an infant to take care of before. Good thing I like her just a little bit. ;)

Love does.

Well, this is weird.  A couple things are weird, actually.

One, I was up all night last night again (come on surgery day!), stayed up all morning doing laundry, took about a 2.5 hour nap, and have been going strong since Mom got home from surgery about 3:15.  Pretty sure this is the first time this summer that I've been up all night and haven't slept the whole next day away.

Two, Mom has just now gotten groggy.  When she and Mommom got home today, she was practically her normal self.  Which is just BIZARRE for my mother post-surgery.  For the past surgeries I've been here for, for the first 48 hours or so, she was so unconscious I could barely wake her up enough to force feed her.  Tonight, she insisted on standing in the kitchen for 25 minutes on her crutches in order to teach me how to make bacon and eggs.  Because that really had to be done.

But the good news is that the surgery went about as well as could be expected.  So yay for that.

Now, for the next few days, I get to have a glimpse as to what life has been like for my mom in the past after each of my surgeries.  I have to check her ice, get her food, and make sure she takes her pain meds every four hours around the clock.  For the next few days, my pain doesn't matter.  It's all about her.  As it should be.

Hey, this is what love does.  And I'm glad I can be here and totally take care of her for a change.

All I have to say today.

It's gonna be a rough few weeks coming up.  But there's nothing stronger than the power of prayer.  I appreciate your support and love so much.

This pain sucks.

Thankfully I've been able to sleep the day away.

Rough day, to say the least.

Was up pretty much all night last night from pain again.

Slept about 4:15-6:35 when Chelsea showed up with Blake.  Mom and I were watching him today because she had to work (she usually only works Monday-Friday, but they asked her to come in for this shift).

Blake was...Blake.  My favorite person in the whole wide world, but absolutely exhausting.

Finally fell asleep again about 1 pm.  Thankfully, Blake took a long nap about this time, too, so Mom didn't even know I was sleeping because she didn't need me.  Slept until 4:30 when Chelsea arrived to pick him back up.

Fell back asleep once they left and the screaming subsided until about 6:30.

Got up, watched the rest of the USA vs Nigeria soccer game, ate pizza.

After the game, went for a walk.  This is where things got kind of scary.  I was towards the end of my first lap and suddenly I collapsed.  I didn't pass out, but my body gave out on me as if I had.  I was overcome with the worst chest pain I've had since that staph pneumonia in November 2009.  I hadn't been wheezing, but my chest was so tight I couldn't get air in very far.  I always bring my inhaler with me on walks, so I tried to use it but it didn't do a thing.  I laid there on the side of the road about 10 minutes, first waiting to see if it would subside (instead it only got worse), then trying to flag help down but the few cars that drove by didn't see me because the sun had just set about 20 minutes before so it was pretty dark, and for the first time that I've taken a walk, no one else walked by.  Finally, about 8:40, Mom called me back because I had called to ask her a question before I left, and when I told her what was up, she rushed back from Jim's house.

I was seriously afraid something was wrong (and it takes a lot to scare me medically) so a few minutes later I called 911...still on the side of the road.  Mom and her boyfriend showed up just as the ambulance got to me.  They did usual EMS tests and once the EKG came back normal and they figured it wasn't my heart, after learning about my history, they thought it was pneumonia and everyone but Mom agreed I should go get checked out.

I got to the ER about 9:30, and spent the next six hours getting a plethora of tests and bloodwork done.  Ruled out heart problems via the cardiac markers in the bloodwork.  Chest X-ray.  Chest CT with contrast (contrast is awful).  And a whole load of nebulizers.  They refused to give me pain meds, too, which was awful because as miserable as I was, with my extremely high pain tolerance after 20 surgeries, it was bad.

Long story short:  I spent 6 hours at the ER for them to tell me that this is my pleurisy, just instead of my usual pleurisy affecting the lining of my lung tissue and shooting pain down my right ribs and up to my arms, it's just severely severely inflamed my entire chest wall.  So Mom was pretty pissed that we went there "for nothing" since she wanted to just put me in bed and go see my family doctor on Monday, but with our luck and my medical history, if we hadn't gone, Monday something would be horribly wrong (they did the CT with contrast because they were very concerned I might have a blood clot in my lungs) and she wouldn't let herself have her surgery on Tuesday.  And at least we know what this is and why I've been wanting to do nothing but lay in bed and sleep as much as my body will allow the past few days.

So yeah, they gave me some anti-inflammatory meds, and just said keep taking nebulizer treatments, rest a lot, and don't do any strenuous activity until this eases up so as to not aggravate the inflammation and make it worse than it already is.  That means I won't be able to go walking for a while.

This is what I get for exercising. ;) (Kidding!)

But yeah, this is what I managed to get done tonight before all hell broke loose.

Now if you'll excuse me, it's past 4:30 am and I am beat.  I'm going to go try to rest...if the massive amounts of albuterol coursing through my system will let me.

Something is better than nothing.

Got a major upset stomach part way through and had to go back to my house.

Two miles may not be four, but it's better than zero.

Rainy rain rain rain.

I really wish my mom hadn't gotten rid of our exercise bike.

Because on days like today where there is a monsoon outside for hours on end, it'd be really nice to get some exercise in.

Oh well.  Can't change it.

Also, it's really hard to stay awake on a super rainy day.  At least for me.

I got my thank you cards done, but of course, Mom didn't have as many stamps as she thought she did.

Things are still a mess here.  But at least I've been able to make Mom smile some.

It tastes like chocolate...wine...

I got chocolate wine in the mail from my friend Pam today.  See?

She was supposed to bring it to my graduation party, but since she couldn't come, she UPS'ed it.  Mom and I are going to crack it open this weekend, which really could not come at a better time because all hell is breaking loose over here.  Prayers are greatly appreciated.

The title is what I said to my mom's boyfriend when he asked me what it tastes like.  So thankful my mom has a man who can put up with my snark and sarcasm. ;)  He knows I love him.

Not much else happened today.  I've been resting a lot because I'm still dealing with a lot of pain.  But I did get my 4 miles done in a much better time today.  So yay for that! :)

Tomorrow, I really need to knock out these thank you cards.

There we go.

The nausea finally subsided by the time I woke up today, though the pain barely improved at all.  But a friend told me to be aware of the possibility of a spiritual attack, so I decided that I was going to force myself to get out tonight.  

However, with my foot still not totally healed and the various severe pains I'm dealing with all over my body, I knew I wouldn't be moving very quickly.  So I decided that my only goal for tonight was to make it to four miles, no matter how long it took me.  And I did that, so yay!

As JD said tonight when I was a little frustrated with the speed/time (yes, even considering the pain - I know, I'm way too hard on myself), four miles is amazing on a good day, never mind a hard one!  God is working.

I had finished eating dinner only about 20 minutes before I left, so I didn't feel hungry when I got back inside.  I got in the shower after resting about 20 minutes, and BOOM, my sugar crashed while I was still in there.  That was fun.  Thankfully my mom was here and got me a cereal bar and a drink to get it back up.  I won't make that mistake again.  (Also thankfully, the only thing I missed doing in the shower was conditioning my hair, it can go without that for one night.)

Also, funny comment: when I first got in, my mom asked me how much I did, and I told her four miles, and she looked at me and exclaimed, "Good grief, Mallory, you took two days off! Did it not occur to you that maybe you should ease back into it?!"

To put it bluntly, no.

Awful

That was today.

Awful.

Instead of being in the kind of pain where I can't stay awake, I was in even worse pain, the kind that kept me up all night so I didn't fall asleep until 10:30 am.

A.M.

The slightest movement made me think that I was going to throw up, so forcing myself to eat to keep my blood sugar from dropping was torture.

And my balance was all jacked up.  I almost fell out of the shower just from tipping my head back to rinse it.

So needless to say, I didn't walk today, but if I'm at all improved tomorrow, you can bet I'll be out.

June?!

How is it June already?

I haven't done anything today, really, because even standing up is pretty dang painful.  The whole top half of that foot is throbbing, and it's not bandaged that tightly.

I've been working on laundry, but the two things now at the top of my priority list are finishing my FAFSA form and doing the thank you cards from my party.

I didn't walk today, for obvious reasons.  But I really don't like the feeling of not doing it.  It's weird.  Who knew I'd grow to love it, especially so quickly?  Tomorrow, I'm going to bandage up as best as I can and put an extra sock on that foot and get out.  It may or may not be the full four miles, and it will almost certainly not be as fast as my normal speed, but it'll be something.

Two weeks until 22.  Just saying. :)