In which I realize I'm an idiot.

I was having a hard time trying to figure out what to write tonight.  On a whim, I decided to open my Bible app to see if anything inspired me.  I'll be honest, I hadn't opened it recently, in far too long, and there's no excuse for that.  I had no idea where I'd left off last time, and it was open on 2 Timothy 3.  I read through that, but nothing in particular jumped out at me.  Then, "James 1" popped in my head so I went there and read that chapter.  This passage was exactly what I needed to hear.  Don't you love it when that happens? :)

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.  But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.  For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." James 1:5-8

You know how sometimes God speaks to you out of a passage, but you know that if you try to explain to someone else how you got that message out of that verse or set of verses you know that you'll sound crazy and unbelievable?  Well, if what I'm about to write makes you think I'm crazy, just go with me.  You know how I work - these are my honest and unfiltered thoughts.

I've been lying to myself, and subsequently, I've been lying to others.  I didn't mean to.  I didn't even really realize I was doing it until I read those verses.  I've been telling people that I trust God, but in reality, my mind and heart have been filled with panic and doubt and overwhelming, soul-crushing fear.  I try and try to focus on the truths of God's character, but I always go back to freaking out about whatever is my latest stress.  Breaking news: THAT'S NOT TRUST.

This passage addresses exactly what I said was a major struggle of mine a few days ago: I know God can help me and fix my troubles, but I don't believe He will fix them.  "For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord."  I don't believe I'm going to receive God's good gifts.  And I think that's because I still don't believe I'm worthy of it.  Even though I know that God loves me unconditionally, I think deep down I still believe that it's pointless and God should give that love to someone who deserves it more than I do.  I'm fighting what Jesus paid the ultimate price to give me.

I know that God is on a much different scale than humans, but when I saw that line about "for that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord," I thought about my relationships with my friends and family.  If I asked my mom to do something for me that I couldn't do, but I automatically assumed she wasn't going to do it, that would just put added stress on me, probably make me angry at her, and undeservingly make her the "bad guy" in my mind because she didn't live up to the expectations I had for her...without me ever giving her the chance.  And then, the next time I ask her to do something, she'd likely not see the point in even trying because I'd end up unhappy anyway.  Why should I think doing that to God would be any different?  I start worrying that God won't help me as soon as I pray about something.  Maybe God's waiting for me to stop doing that and learn to trust before He starts to show Himself.

And the only person that all of this is hurting is me.  I'm missing the stability that people receive when they give their lives to the Lord.  I'm "a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind."  I'm able to be pushed about by the sin and negativity of the world because I haven't rested in the unshakeable foundation of God and my faith.  So what the heck am I really doing with my life?  How can I really serve God if I haven't trusted Him with everything in my life?  If I don't want sin and the enemy to have any sway in my heart or mind or decisions, I have to give in and allow myself to be fully protected by God.

I can't believe I still haven't gotten this straight.  I know I'm not always going to get it right, I just didn't realize I still had so far to go or that I was still so hesitant about such a basic thing as trusting the God to whom I owe everything.  I thought I had found stability when I became a Christian, but I guess I've lost sight of the fact that trust is something I have to work on every day.  I've become so overwhelmed by the problems in my life that I've forgotten the most basic of truths: GOD IS BIGGER.

God is bigger and God is more important and God is sufficient to get me not only through these problems I'm facing, but also to get me to exactly where I need to be once these storms have passed.  I've been feeling so unstable and scared because I've been trying to split my focus between this world and my God.  But even more simply than that, I have to believe that God will help me.

It seems so simple, doesn't it?  What took me so long?

Lord, forgive me for my mistakes, and help me to rest in Your goodness.  I am Yours, and You are mine.  Forever.