Honestly

It's been a rough day.  I've cried a lot, at least a lot more than I normally do when I'm not PMSing.  There's a lot of things that are going on in this family and I guess all the stress of it has just been piling up on me and I lost it today.

I don't have funding for NYU right now.  I went through every person at the federal student loans place that I could talk to and $3600 of medical debt is keeping them from being able to give me the loans.  It's just an extra punch in the gut that, essentially, my medical problems are standing in the way of me being able to go to grad school.  So now goes talking to banks.  Which I have no idea what that entails, and a lady at the bank that I work out of said after talking to me that it seems that it will be very difficult for me to get a personal loan, but at least she offered to do some research for me and see if she can find something that will help.

I also didn't get housing through NYU.  Which is just going to add more complications, stress, and fees.

Plus, there's all sorts of crazy stuff going on with Mom, Chelsea/Blake, Mommom, and even Holly.  Crap is just pouring down on my family right now.

I'm mostly just scared.  Scared that our lives aren't going to ease up anytime soon.  Scared that I'm not going to get NYU to work out.  Scared that I'm going to be stuck in this house and in North Carolina. Scared that everything I've worked for for so long isn't going to happen, all because of medical problems biting me in the ass.  Scared that my mom is going to lose it.

I will say that one good thing about today was a conversation that I got to have with Clayton today.  We all need those friends that we can call at the drop of a hat for a pick-me-up, and in the absence of Austin who is working a crazy summer at camp, Clayton is definitely a good second choice. ;)  I got to talk to him about everything that is going on and everything that is going on in my head because of it.  Talking to him involved tears, but thankfully listening to me cry didn't seem to scare him too bad. :p  And it was the first time I smiled all day today.  I'm so thankful for him.

I keep trying to tell myself that all of this upsetting stuff and stress is a test of faith.  I know God has pulled me through some seemingly hopeless situations before, and He can do it again.  I've never doubted that God is capable of anything, I don't doubt that He can take care of all these NYU details, I just struggle with being sure that He will.

I wish I knew how to properly describe all of the emotions running around inside me tonight.

Honestly, though, I'm just scared.  And I need to seriously submerse myself in the Word because I don't want to be scared anymore.