And now it's the end of June.

My muscles are so weak still.  It's really quite aggravating.  I had to get the neighbor to help me lock my gate because I couldn't get the lock to shut.  Thank God for nice neighbors.

Still no update on the loan stuff.  We're running out of options, so I would appreciate your continued prayers.

I'm officially sick, too.  Surgery and sickness always seem to run in tandem for me.

Today has been soccer and Dateline and taking care of Mom and that's really quite about it.  Ten more days until she's off the crutches!  That's what her doctor said at her appointment last week so yay for that.

This is how bored I've been:  I spent ten minutes asking Siri the weather for different cities around the world.  I really need a life.

On the Mend

Well, today wasn't great, but it was better recovery-wise than yesterday, and for that, I am thankful.

I haven't wanted to sleep the day away, and I actually made it through both World Cup games (one going through 30 minutes of extra time plus penalty kicks), so that's progress.

But I definitely still have a long way to go.  I took a shower and then put a load of dirty clothes in the washer late this morning, and I thought I was going to pass out.  It's amazing how long a surgery on one small part of your body can continue to drain the energy of your entire body.

Another thing I am thankful for is friends who check in on me, particularly ones that I haven't gotten to talk to in a while.  Small things like that make me smile. :)

Also, I changed my computer background tonight.  I needed this.  When I get into my new place in NYC, I'm going to cover the whole twelve inches of it in Scripture, haha.  (No, there's no update on the loan situation yet, just thinking positive.)

One step forward, two steps back.

I feel worse today than I did yesterday.

So I'll count my blessings that I have not had trouble sleeping today.

Man, I am so ready for this recovery thing to be over.

Seek and Find

My mom and I were fighting for the past 24 hours.  There was lots of yelling and accusations on both sides.  And then we got past it, I think.  At least I did.  Three cheers for two emotional women trapped in a house together.

But I've been reflecting on everything that was said, and one thought has been stuck in my head.  I don't say any of this to throw my mother under the bus, please understand that.  It seems to me that one of the recurring problems in our fights is that I end up feeling like my mom is constantly invalidating my feelings.  She frequently tells me I'm being ridiculous when I try to tell her what I'm feeling, or what I think is happening in a situation is wrong, or things like that.

But that's got me thinking...why am I asking her to validate me?  Why do I care if she thinks my feelings are worth having?  The very essence of my being is that my worth comes from God and God alone.  Yes, I respect my mom and I want to honor her, but she doesn't have to like the way I feel for it to be okay.  God knows my heart, I want God to lead my heart, that's what matters.

I'm a people pleaser, especially with my mom.  I've spent pretty much every day of my life trying to be good enough for her and trying to make her happy and proud.  I'm not saying that that's a bad thing, I'm just saying it can't be such a high priority anymore.  Not just because it's exhausting, but because nothing can come before pleasing God, and pleasing God and pleasing my mom will almost never be the same thing because she doesn't want to please God.

"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

Validation from God is the only kind of validation that matters, and that's the validation that I never, ever have to work for.  I didn't have to find it.  It was given to me right from the start.

Thursday

The pain is not any better than yesterday.

We had a big day of soccer and lots of good food.  The US is on to the round of 16 and Mom made lemon rosemary chicken.

So I'm happy.

But I hurt so bad.

And I have to call my doctor in the morning because I need better pain meds.

In which I realize I'm an idiot.

I was having a hard time trying to figure out what to write tonight.  On a whim, I decided to open my Bible app to see if anything inspired me.  I'll be honest, I hadn't opened it recently, in far too long, and there's no excuse for that.  I had no idea where I'd left off last time, and it was open on 2 Timothy 3.  I read through that, but nothing in particular jumped out at me.  Then, "James 1" popped in my head so I went there and read that chapter.  This passage was exactly what I needed to hear.  Don't you love it when that happens? :)

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.  But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.  For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." James 1:5-8

You know how sometimes God speaks to you out of a passage, but you know that if you try to explain to someone else how you got that message out of that verse or set of verses you know that you'll sound crazy and unbelievable?  Well, if what I'm about to write makes you think I'm crazy, just go with me.  You know how I work - these are my honest and unfiltered thoughts.

I've been lying to myself, and subsequently, I've been lying to others.  I didn't mean to.  I didn't even really realize I was doing it until I read those verses.  I've been telling people that I trust God, but in reality, my mind and heart have been filled with panic and doubt and overwhelming, soul-crushing fear.  I try and try to focus on the truths of God's character, but I always go back to freaking out about whatever is my latest stress.  Breaking news: THAT'S NOT TRUST.

This passage addresses exactly what I said was a major struggle of mine a few days ago: I know God can help me and fix my troubles, but I don't believe He will fix them.  "For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord."  I don't believe I'm going to receive God's good gifts.  And I think that's because I still don't believe I'm worthy of it.  Even though I know that God loves me unconditionally, I think deep down I still believe that it's pointless and God should give that love to someone who deserves it more than I do.  I'm fighting what Jesus paid the ultimate price to give me.

I know that God is on a much different scale than humans, but when I saw that line about "for that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord," I thought about my relationships with my friends and family.  If I asked my mom to do something for me that I couldn't do, but I automatically assumed she wasn't going to do it, that would just put added stress on me, probably make me angry at her, and undeservingly make her the "bad guy" in my mind because she didn't live up to the expectations I had for her...without me ever giving her the chance.  And then, the next time I ask her to do something, she'd likely not see the point in even trying because I'd end up unhappy anyway.  Why should I think doing that to God would be any different?  I start worrying that God won't help me as soon as I pray about something.  Maybe God's waiting for me to stop doing that and learn to trust before He starts to show Himself.

And the only person that all of this is hurting is me.  I'm missing the stability that people receive when they give their lives to the Lord.  I'm "a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind."  I'm able to be pushed about by the sin and negativity of the world because I haven't rested in the unshakeable foundation of God and my faith.  So what the heck am I really doing with my life?  How can I really serve God if I haven't trusted Him with everything in my life?  If I don't want sin and the enemy to have any sway in my heart or mind or decisions, I have to give in and allow myself to be fully protected by God.

I can't believe I still haven't gotten this straight.  I know I'm not always going to get it right, I just didn't realize I still had so far to go or that I was still so hesitant about such a basic thing as trusting the God to whom I owe everything.  I thought I had found stability when I became a Christian, but I guess I've lost sight of the fact that trust is something I have to work on every day.  I've become so overwhelmed by the problems in my life that I've forgotten the most basic of truths: GOD IS BIGGER.

God is bigger and God is more important and God is sufficient to get me not only through these problems I'm facing, but also to get me to exactly where I need to be once these storms have passed.  I've been feeling so unstable and scared because I've been trying to split my focus between this world and my God.  But even more simply than that, I have to believe that God will help me.

It seems so simple, doesn't it?  What took me so long?

Lord, forgive me for my mistakes, and help me to rest in Your goodness.  I am Yours, and You are mine.  Forever.

I scare myself when I look in the mirror.

I wish that were some profound, introspective comment about my character, but it's not.

No, what I mean is that I freak myself out anytime I see my reflection because there is blood in my eyeballs.  It's not just a bloodshot look, either; it's full-on, bright red, zombie-mode blood.  And it's only on half of each eyeball, which is even freakier.  And I didn't take a picture; I don't want to scar you for life.

Today has been very, very rough.  Every part of my body is in excruciating pain.  This has happened after some surgeries, but not all of them.  It absolutely sucks.

Also what sucks is that my doctor, even though he seemed okay with the fact that I would need heavier pain meds than most to deal with post-op pain, only wrote me 12 pills of a low-dose pain med with one refill.  Even if I take 2 at a time, it barely touches the pain.  Not cool.  I'm predicting he'll be getting a call in a few days.

I'm basically just in recovery mode hell today.  It's too soon to say if the surgery helped my headaches because I don't know if the pain I'm feeling is from a migraine or from surgery.  My mom did say she can tell my left eye is much straighter, though.  I'll know for sure how everything is when I go to my post-op next week.

That's all for now.  I remember almost nothing about yesterday, so I don't have many details to give you.  Good night.

I'm okay.

I feel about as good as can be expected, I suppose.

Likely won't know how successful it was until my postop next week.

It actually ran on time today. Yay.

Details some other time. Bye.

Here we are again.

Surgery #21 in the morning.

Part of me thinks that I should be used to this by now, that I shouldn't still get nervous the night before and morning of a surgery.

But then part of me thinks I'm human - getting nervous about surgery is a pretty dang normal reaction.  This isn't something you get used to.  Especially once you've been that "rare unexpected complications" patient.

So yeah.  Here we are.

It's set for 9:45 Eastern, but surgery centers/ORs rarely run on time, so we'll see if it actually happens then.

As usual, will post as soon as I can to say I'm okay.

God's power scares me.

Knowing someone is in control of the whole universe and everything in it is hard enough on a good day, but when you've got big problems to deal with, it's even harder not to be afraid.  At least that's my opinion.

I've probably said this before, at least I know i've said it in person, but one of my biggest struggles with my faith is knowing full well that God is totally capable of taking care of my problems/struggles, but not totally believing that God will take care of them.

This has often been an issue with my chronic pain.  It scares me sometimes to think that God's plan for my future may include a lot more pain than I am okay with or prepared to handle.

But now, it's really an issue with this whole loan problem and the lack of money for NYU.  I know that God can provide the money, but I'm scared that it won't happen and I'll be stuck in Swansboro for another year.

I am powerless to whatever God wants to do.  And while in my gut I know that that is a good thing because God is soooo much better at running my life than I am, I'm not exactly happy about it.  Because what if I don't get to go to NYU in August?  What if God's plan for my life isn't me going to grad school?  What if what feels right to me isn't actually right?

I need to get out of here.  I'm already miserable enough here this summer, and that was when I had NYU as the light at the end of the tunnel.  I need to start my life on my own away from all the drama, away from the responsibility people expect me to have to be the peacemaker, to be the one who just goes along with everyone else.  I need it.  And I'm scared it's not going to happen.

But you know what?  If I don't have my faith, I have nothing.  If I don't have trust in God, I have no idea who God really is.

Surrender is hard.  But it's so worth it.