Things that made me happy today.

Waking up at 9:30 and actually feeling pretty rested.

Only having one class.

Getting out of that class without having to deal with mean people.

Lunch with Clayton, one of my Reformation brothers.  I miss those guys and having the chance to see them regularly.  There were a handful that I really connected with last semester, and it was important to me that we stayed in touch because I didn't want to see those friendships go just because we didn't have class together anymore.  But these are genuinely good guys, and I can tell that they want to see me, too, and it really means a lot.  Plus Clayton and I always have really good conversations, so it's a joy to get to sit and talk to him.

"The Very Best of the Eagles" on repeat.

Glee

A guy I didn't know telling me he likes my blog.

My medicine getting here on time.

Finding two cards from a certain sweet blogger friend of mine in my post office when I went to get my medicine. :)

Getting a call from my ENT that my iodine radiation appointment has been set up.

And now, for my parting thoughts, a message from The Eagles. :)

Take it easy, take it easy. Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy. Lighten up while you still can. Don't even try to understand. Just find a place to make your stand, and take it easy.

And so it begins.

Well, if I wasn't sure before, I am now.  I definitely picked the right One Word for this year.

I had my first meeting of my Senior Seminar tonight, and whoa baby, it's going to be a long semester.

Let's not even think about the fact that I have 40 pages of papers to write of make up stuff from last semester before I even start on the work for this semester, I already have 45-60 pages of papers assigned for this semester, and I haven't been to two of my classes.

I've had this constant overwhelming fear the past few days that I can't do this, that I'm not cut out for this.  But I know that I can.  And I have to.  I have to graduate in May.  And I'm going to.  It's just believing that in the meantime that is the difficult part.

Ready.  Set.  Go.

What I'm Afraid Of

One thing I enjoy posting on here, both to share with any of you who read here and also for me to have an easy place to come back to, is videos.  Music videos that I love, and spoken word videos that inspire and teach me.  I've posted videos from a guy named Jon Jorgenson before - both of his Who You Are videos that are incredible and profound encouragement for both men and women, and his video titled The Wall which taught me a lot about what God can do in seemingly broken and hopeless situations.

Well, after some things that went down tonight, I couldn't help but think of his newest video "What Are You Afraid Of?".



I used to be afraid at night. Afraid of the dark. Afraid that just beyond the point my eyesight allowed me to see that there was something lurking. Afraid that the darkness itself would somehow surround me and swallow me up...as if darkness were anything more than simply the absence of light.

I used to be afraid of tomorrow. Afraid that who I was would continually dictate who I am and that who I would be might be someone who I didn't like very much at all...as if there was no such thing as being made new.

I used to be afraid of opinions. Afraid that though words would not break my bones, they certainly would shatter my dreams...as if I started doing this for the approval of many rather than the glory of One.

I used to be afraid of failure. Afraid of losing. Afraid of falling. Afraid of being wrong, creating busts, and looking absolutely stupid because who am I to think that I could ever actually make a difference? As if those setbacks were anything more than stepping stones on the path to success.

I used to be afraid.  Used to.

But then I did a little research.  And by that, I mean I re-searched, and I re-searched, and I re-searched, over and over again, and through all of my re-searching, I kept coming up with the same exact question: What room does fear have?

What room does fear have when I cling to trust? What room does fear have when I lean on hope? What room does fear have when I search for something more, when I discover what's good, and when I stand in awe? When I run with perseverance, when I walk by faith, and when I rest in comfort. What room does fear have when I sing with praise, when I take hold of inspiration, explore the possibilities, and step into freedom? What room does fear have when I discover strength, embrace courage, remember peace, declare truth, choose joy, experience life, and conquer death? What room does fear have when I find perfection in the one place I never thought to look? In weakness, when I'm saved by the most unlikely of heroes. By grace, when I'm invited into a relationship more loving and intimate than I could ever imagine as a child of God.

I'll ask you again: what room does fear have when I step out of the darkness, and I bask in the light? When I let the past be the past and the future has no limit. When they can talk all they want but their opinion doesn't matter! And when failure is nothing more and nothing less than the road by which I walk my path to success.

I'll ask you one last time: what room does fear have when in His Word, He tells me three hundred and sixty-five times (*depending on the translation) DO. NOT. BE. AFRAID. As if I needed to hear that every single day. And as if that's how many times I needed to hear it before I finally believed it.

What room does fear have when I make room for LOVE?

What are you afraid of?

-----

I used to be afraid of opinions. Afraid that though words would not break my bones, they certainly would shatter my dreams...as if I started doing this for the approval of many rather than the glory of One.

This has been my biggest struggle for as long as I can remember, and it's been hitting me especially hard lately.  In fact, I was crying not even two hours ago because someone I love very deeply said some things that felt like they pushed all the dreams I have for my future to the breaking point.  Which has pretty much been a recurring theme in my life.  I hear these voices that tell me I'm not good enough, smart enough, kind enough, talented enough, that seem so loud I can't seem to ignore them, and the more I love the people behind the voices, the more likely I am to believe them.  What's sticking out to me right now is that I had myself convinced for quite a while that that was the old me...I guess I'm not as far from the old me as I thought.  Summer and I talked about this last night, and I know I've said it here on the blog before; you think that your scars are just a part of your past and they don't dictate who you are or how you react anymore, but they're still the most tender and vulnerable part of you and they get ripped back open fresh when you least expect it.  But another friend told me something tonight that was actually what made me think of this video: "You have to decide that you are enough.  That God is enough.  That your approval comes from Him and not anyone else."  Approval is a very hard thing for me.  I crave it.  But in the end, I don't want to do what I do, make the choices I make, live the way I live for anyone but God, because when I'm standing in front of Him answering for this life and finally with the chance to sing at His feet, none of these other people are going to even come to mind...no matter how strongly I love them now.  And it's not about me, anyway.  It's about Him.

I used to be afraid of failure. Afraid of losing. Afraid of falling. Afraid of being wrong, creating busts, and looking absolutely stupid because who am I to think that I could ever actually make a difference?

I hate messing things up.  Hate it.  I hate making people upset.  I hate causing a gap in my friendships.  I hate being responsible for negative reactions.  I even get scared trying to help people sometimes because I'm afraid they don't want my help and I'll just annoy them.  And despite all the people who tell me that my heart for others is a blessing and a gift and that they've seen it do good, I automatically focus on the people who tell me how big of a pain I am, that I just need to stop caring so much.  Again, the negativity wins.  Even though I have a letter taped on my wall from a girl who had never even met me but wanted to tell me how sharing my heart had helped her.  Even though the people that I am closest to in this life have told me more times than I can count that they love me just as I am.  I still don't want to be me all the time because I'm afraid I'll mess things up and people will laugh at me or just not like me.  In fact, I sometimes assume that people are mad at me when they've given me no real reason to think so.  It's insane!  I want to make a difference with people.  Being me and loving people like I do has made a difference.  Why isn't that enough encouragement for me to be the person God created?

What room does fear have when I find perfection in the one place I never thought to look?

As soon as I typed that line out, I thought of 2 Corinthians 12:9.  "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"  That verse right there?  That holds the rest that this perfectionist needs.  His grace and power will more than make up for my (many!) shortcomings.  Yet so often, I fail to turn to Him and let Him do what I need and what He desires.  I don't have to be perfect, I'm not a failure because I'm not, simply because He is.  God is enough.  There's no room for the enemy in my heart when I let Him fill me up.  I've spent so much time focusing on my own shortcomings that I fail to focus on, or even really remember, all that He is capable of.

I'll ask you again: what room does fear have when I...let the past be the past and the future has no limit. When they can talk all they want but their opinion doesn't matter! 

It's long past time I stop letting the person who I was decide the person that I am and will be.  I have so much ahead of me, and the biggest thing that is going to hold me back is my own unwillingness to let the only Voice that truly matters tell me who I am.  It's long past time I tell the people and voices who try to tear me down and crush my heart and dreams that they don't have the power to dictate where I will go or what I can do.  I can't make them stop talking, but I can prevent them from making me break down in tears at 11:00 on a Wednesday night.  The only power that they have is the power that I give them, and I'm choosing not to give it to them anymore.  Because in the end, their opinion just. doesn't. matter.

I'll ask you one last time: what room does fear have when in His Word, He tells me three hundred and sixty-five times (*depending on the translation) DO. NOT. BE. AFRAID. As if I needed to hear that every single day. And as if that's how many times I needed to hear it before I finally believed it.

This is an example of why one of my goals for this year, one of the ways in which I see my One Word coming to life, is by digging into my Bible to learn the heart of who God really is.  Because I have a Father who loves me enough to tell me the same lesson over and over and over again.  He doesn't want me to miss it.  He doesn't want me to live in fear.  Pressing into Him and what He tells me is how I will find the strength not to let the negative voices take over my heart.  Letting Him speak His truth into my heart every single day is what I need to hear Him above everything else.

What room does fear have when I make room for LOVE?

I serve a jealous God.  He wants all of me.  And when I give myself completely to Him, the enemy won't have space to come in.  Plain and simple.

Pajama Day

POLAR VORTEX POLAR VORTEX POLAR VORTEX

In case you hadn't heard, it's very cold outside.  Unless you're in Florida, which is apparently the universal outlier for cold weather.  Eh, there has to always be one.

Anyway, yes, it's very cold.  Not nearly as cold as it is in other places around the country (hello, -70 wind chill in Wisconsin, you can go die), but cold enough that every square inch of North Carolina has gone into apocalypse-level panic mode.  Cold enough that I actually turned the heat on in my dorm room, which I literally have not done in years.  Cold enough that Pastor Chris posted this on his Twitter last night, and it cracked me up.

Turns out, there's actually a place in Norway called Hell that you can pull up on the weather app.  That's a winner.

And of course, we don't get snow.  Just bitter, bitter cold.  And it'll be about 70 degrees on Saturday.  Because this is North Carolina and nothing makes sense.

So today, I did not get out of my pajamas.  And it was pretty awesome.  I actually got bored enough that I tried to make plans with people, but nothing worked out for today, so I took it as a sign that I wasn't supposed to take off these oh-so-comfy pajamas today.  There are worse things in life.

My sweet friend Summer actually did come for a while tonight.  All we did was sit around talking.  About what we did over break, family, boys, and friend issues and some fear that I've been struggling with lately.  She said something that was really simple but also deep enough that it put my heart at ease quite a bit.  "You could tell, the way they looked at you.  You're their sister."  And the way she said that, I knew there wasn't a doubt in her mind.  If she could tell that from some brief interactions, I knew that I had to be overreacting.  But the thing is, knowing you're almost certainly overreacting doesn't always make you stop worrying.  With me, it rarely does.  Deep breaths and baby steps.

Tomorrow, the real fun begins.

Tonight, I'm a Seminole fan.

The only time I left my room today is when I went to the bookstore to pick up my books for the semester.  Of course, they were completely out of stock for one of my classes, which had 6 books on its list, so I really still don't have all my books.  But hey, what can you do?

I spent most of the rest of the day sleeping because I was unable to sleep last night and had a raging headache all day today.

I woke up in time to watch the BCS college football national championship.  The last one, as after this year they're going to a playoff system, which is long overdue.  I took particular interest in this game because Florida State, the Seminoles, was playing Auburn, Florida State is from my conference (the ACC) and Auburn is from the SEC.  The SEC has won the last 7 straight BCS championships, so on top of wanting to see someone from the ACC win the national title, and the very last BCS championship at that, I wanted to see the SEC reign end.

It started off bad.  FSU was down 21-3 early on, and it was only 21-10 at halftime.  Jameis Winston, the redshirt freshman quarterback who won the Heisman trophy last month, was not acting like a Heisman winner.  But something happened in that locker room at halftime, because the Seminoles came out like a new team, Jameis had a fire lit under him, and they came roaring back.  They finally got a lead back in the 4th quarter, but Auburn took it back with 1:19 left on the clock.  You'd think it was over, but FSU took it back with 13 seconds left on the clock..  They won 34-31!  I have never been so happy to see the Seminoles, or any other ACC team for that matter, win a game.  It was pretty.

I also watched Castle in that time because it partially coincided with halftime and at that point the game wasn't looking good.  It was an awesome episode.

Other than that, I worked on grad school applications.  Johns Hopkins is done.  Georgetown is about halfway done and missing a recommendation.  American is just short one easy writing piece and a recommendation.  I have to call Dr. Steegar tomorrow to remind him that those recommendations are due next week.  But hey, progress!

Now, I'm watching an online video of a memorial service that a blogger I love recommended people watch.  This woman who passed away had unshakable faith despite having terminal cancer.  It's already been so beautiful, and it'll be a good way to end the night.  After this, I'll take a nice, hot shower and go to bed.  It's so cold tomorrow, I don't plan on leaving the room or even getting out of my pajamas.

Yes, I know that many places are facing much colder weather, but this will be bad enough for me, thank you very much.

One Word: 2014

I put off writing this post until now for a few reasons, despite the fact that I've known what my word was going to be for several days: I've been waiting on my button to get done (I'm going ahead and posting it because it'll apparently be a little while), I haven't had the energy to sit down and write about this in the past few days, and considering what my word is it seemed appropriate to write about this today when I'm (finally!) back at Campbell and also about to dive headfirst into a crazy busy and emotional few months.

This is from the post I wrote on the 1st, and it's what helped me to choose my word for the year.

This year has a lot in store.  My last semester, finishing up everything from last semester, grad school applications, deciding where I'll be spending the next two years of my life, graduation, and then adjusting to life as an adult out of my Campbell bubble.  I don't know what God's going to do with me in all of this.  What I do know is that if there's any time that I need to find rest, this is it.  I won't survive this year without it.

I wasn't intending on writing that when I started, but the best things are often surprises.  I also didn't know what my One Word was going to be until I wrote that section.  Immediately after that, it just jumped out at me.  My One Word for 2014 is

If I thought my life was complicated before, it's about to hit epic proportions.  Everything I know is going to change.  I'll simultaneously be getting what I've dreamed of for years, which is to get out of North Carolina (hopefully I won't be stuck at State for grad school) and out on my own not tied to my family, and getting rid of everything that has felt normal to me for a very long time.  My entire family, even extended members, are freaking out about me moving away because of all my health issues and especially because of how crazy everything was last semester, and that's lately been rubbing off on me and really making me freak out, too, as everything gets closer.  And speaking of health issues, everyone is convinced that my seizures the past few months were from stress, which is another reason why rest is so important.

It's not even rest in a physical sense, because Lord knows that with everything going on, I'm not going to have extra time for that.  It's mental rest that I need.  I'm having a hard time figuring out how to describe exactly what I envision this looking like, but here's what it means to me right now.

The rest I seek is about turning to God when I feel myself hitting panic mode.  It's about picking up my Bible to find solace sometimes instead of always picking up the phone or computer to contact a friend.  It's about learning who God is on a deeper level so I understand where my peace comes from.  It's about my continual struggle in letting go of control.  It's about trusting that He has the details of my future already worked out for my benefit.  It's about stepping back and letting Him lead me instead of always trying to lead myself.

God is the only rock that I can rely on.  I know it, but I have an awful time acting like I know it.  (That makes me think of an interesting discussion I was having with a friend on words vs. actions, but that will have to be another post.)  A strong relationship with Him, a solid trust in who He is and what He will do for the children He loves so desperately, those are the things that will give me the foundation and the peace to get through this crazy but exciting year.  This isn't about what I can or will do, though.  It's about the strength of my Father who will take any measures necessary to hold on to me.

I need God in a completely new way this year, and I want to rest in the fact that He and I both know that I am already His, so everything else is secondary.

I'm gonna miss this.

I go back to Campbell tomorrow.

This break did go much better in terms of my temperament, especially considering how awful I felt for the vast majority of it, but I still didn't enjoy being here.  But hey, progress.

I am more than ready for it.  I've been waiting for tomorrow to get here pretty much since the minute I got in my mom's car at the airport in Jacksonville after Texas.

I've been so looking forward to getting back to Campbell and to where I feel like I belong, that I never would have guessed that the night before I left, I'd sit down at my blog trying to figure out what to say and only be able to think I'm gonna miss this.

I'm gonna miss nights like tonight.  Nights where I spend hours upon hours locked in my mom's room with her and enjoy the entire time.  Nights where we talk about anything and everything.  Nights where she never ceases to make me laugh hysterically until my sides hurt and tears start running down my face.  Nights where all we do is watch TV but it's still fun.  

Tonight we have spent hours watching a Law & Order: Criminal Intent marathon.  We goofed off for a while, but then I got to work on an essay for my Johns Hopkins application.  That one is almost done, save for one analytical essay whose directions are simply "Discuss an issue of national or international importance and its concern to you.  This essay should be no more than 600 words."  Which honestly, sounds a lot better than the directions for my statement of purpose, which included the words "This essay should be 600 words in length."  600.  Exactly.  That's a lot harder than it sounds.  And I made the choice to ask my mom for help to get it to 600 words, so that turned into a 2+ hour process of me reading every sentence to her 6 times so she could correct and re-correct and re-re-correct the diction.  Because she is the diction queen.  And then we had to edit and re-edit sentences to get it to exactly 600 words.  

I so, so appreciated her help to turn that into a killer statement of purpose, but it was really exhausting in the moment.  None of that matters, though.  What matters is that, as it turns out, I'm actually gonna miss my crazy, lovable, goofball of a mother.  Wonders never cease. ;)

Cutting It Close

The procrastinator's dilemma: Wait until the last minute on things, especially the important things.  Get to said last minute.  Freak out for waiting so long.  Cry.  Wonder why you always do this to yourself.  Promise you won't make the same mistake again.  Make same mistake again next time.  Wash, rinse, repeat.

My first grad school application, New York University Graduate School of Arts and Sciences, is due on January 4th (presumably by 11:59 PM EST).

I finished it at 11:55 PM on January 3rd.

Granted, this wasn't entirely my fault considering all the health issues I faced in the fall semester and my Christmas break consisting of 2.5 weeks of viral bronchitis and a not-totally-expected surgery, and today I had a terrible migraine and thus didn't start until almost 10:00 tonight, but still.  I could have done a lot better.

Don't ask me why I always do this to myself.  I wish I knew.

Add in the fact that my hormones are still all out of whack, and I was a really fun person to be around tonight.  Ha.

This is the schedule for the rest of the applications.  I'm gonna try not to wait until the day before again.

Johns Hopkins University School of Advanced International Studies - January 7th (aka Tuesday.  I hope to get this one done tomorrow, but we'll see.)
Georgetown University School of Foreign Service - Wednesday, January 15th
American University (DC) School of International Service - Wednesday, January 15th
American University in Paris - Saturday, February 1st
NC State - Saturday, March 1st

I'm simultaneously exhausted and wide awake right now.  I gave up on Mom's CDs around 2 am, so I might just do that instead of the JH application so I can be in top form for that.

My future is about to not be the future anymore, y'all.  Things just got real.  I can't spend the next several months in freakout mode.  Jesus help me.

Up All Night

Up all night last night with Blake.

Up all day out running errands and going to appointments with Mom and Blake.

Staying up late tonight loading my mom's music on her computer.  Because I'm nice.

Today was long.

I'm exhausted.

37 CDs to go.  Good night.

Dear 2014, bring it.

I'm choosing to look at the fact that I didn't even get up or eat something until 8:00 tonight as a combination of recovering from how awful I felt last night and preparing myself for all of the craziness that is coming very soon.

This year has a lot in store.  My last semester, finishing up everything from last semester, grad school applications, deciding where I'll be spending the next two years of my life, graduation, and then adjusting to life as an adult out of my Campbell bubble.

I don't know what God's going to do with me in all of this.  What I do know is that if there's any time that I need to find rest, this is it.  I won't survive this year without it.

It's time to buckle up and get ready.  It's going to be a wild ride, and I'm looking forward to it.