Tonight, I'm a Seminole fan.

The only time I left my room today is when I went to the bookstore to pick up my books for the semester.  Of course, they were completely out of stock for one of my classes, which had 6 books on its list, so I really still don't have all my books.  But hey, what can you do?

I spent most of the rest of the day sleeping because I was unable to sleep last night and had a raging headache all day today.

I woke up in time to watch the BCS college football national championship.  The last one, as after this year they're going to a playoff system, which is long overdue.  I took particular interest in this game because Florida State, the Seminoles, was playing Auburn, Florida State is from my conference (the ACC) and Auburn is from the SEC.  The SEC has won the last 7 straight BCS championships, so on top of wanting to see someone from the ACC win the national title, and the very last BCS championship at that, I wanted to see the SEC reign end.

It started off bad.  FSU was down 21-3 early on, and it was only 21-10 at halftime.  Jameis Winston, the redshirt freshman quarterback who won the Heisman trophy last month, was not acting like a Heisman winner.  But something happened in that locker room at halftime, because the Seminoles came out like a new team, Jameis had a fire lit under him, and they came roaring back.  They finally got a lead back in the 4th quarter, but Auburn took it back with 1:19 left on the clock.  You'd think it was over, but FSU took it back with 13 seconds left on the clock..  They won 34-31!  I have never been so happy to see the Seminoles, or any other ACC team for that matter, win a game.  It was pretty.

I also watched Castle in that time because it partially coincided with halftime and at that point the game wasn't looking good.  It was an awesome episode.

Other than that, I worked on grad school applications.  Johns Hopkins is done.  Georgetown is about halfway done and missing a recommendation.  American is just short one easy writing piece and a recommendation.  I have to call Dr. Steegar tomorrow to remind him that those recommendations are due next week.  But hey, progress!

Now, I'm watching an online video of a memorial service that a blogger I love recommended people watch.  This woman who passed away had unshakable faith despite having terminal cancer.  It's already been so beautiful, and it'll be a good way to end the night.  After this, I'll take a nice, hot shower and go to bed.  It's so cold tomorrow, I don't plan on leaving the room or even getting out of my pajamas.

Yes, I know that many places are facing much colder weather, but this will be bad enough for me, thank you very much.

I'm gonna miss this.

I go back to Campbell tomorrow.

This break did go much better in terms of my temperament, especially considering how awful I felt for the vast majority of it, but I still didn't enjoy being here.  But hey, progress.

I am more than ready for it.  I've been waiting for tomorrow to get here pretty much since the minute I got in my mom's car at the airport in Jacksonville after Texas.

I've been so looking forward to getting back to Campbell and to where I feel like I belong, that I never would have guessed that the night before I left, I'd sit down at my blog trying to figure out what to say and only be able to think I'm gonna miss this.

I'm gonna miss nights like tonight.  Nights where I spend hours upon hours locked in my mom's room with her and enjoy the entire time.  Nights where we talk about anything and everything.  Nights where she never ceases to make me laugh hysterically until my sides hurt and tears start running down my face.  Nights where all we do is watch TV but it's still fun.  

Tonight we have spent hours watching a Law & Order: Criminal Intent marathon.  We goofed off for a while, but then I got to work on an essay for my Johns Hopkins application.  That one is almost done, save for one analytical essay whose directions are simply "Discuss an issue of national or international importance and its concern to you.  This essay should be no more than 600 words."  Which honestly, sounds a lot better than the directions for my statement of purpose, which included the words "This essay should be 600 words in length."  600.  Exactly.  That's a lot harder than it sounds.  And I made the choice to ask my mom for help to get it to 600 words, so that turned into a 2+ hour process of me reading every sentence to her 6 times so she could correct and re-correct and re-re-correct the diction.  Because she is the diction queen.  And then we had to edit and re-edit sentences to get it to exactly 600 words.  

I so, so appreciated her help to turn that into a killer statement of purpose, but it was really exhausting in the moment.  None of that matters, though.  What matters is that, as it turns out, I'm actually gonna miss my crazy, lovable, goofball of a mother.  Wonders never cease. ;)

Cutting It Close

The procrastinator's dilemma: Wait until the last minute on things, especially the important things.  Get to said last minute.  Freak out for waiting so long.  Cry.  Wonder why you always do this to yourself.  Promise you won't make the same mistake again.  Make same mistake again next time.  Wash, rinse, repeat.

My first grad school application, New York University Graduate School of Arts and Sciences, is due on January 4th (presumably by 11:59 PM EST).

I finished it at 11:55 PM on January 3rd.

Granted, this wasn't entirely my fault considering all the health issues I faced in the fall semester and my Christmas break consisting of 2.5 weeks of viral bronchitis and a not-totally-expected surgery, and today I had a terrible migraine and thus didn't start until almost 10:00 tonight, but still.  I could have done a lot better.

Don't ask me why I always do this to myself.  I wish I knew.

Add in the fact that my hormones are still all out of whack, and I was a really fun person to be around tonight.  Ha.

This is the schedule for the rest of the applications.  I'm gonna try not to wait until the day before again.

Johns Hopkins University School of Advanced International Studies - January 7th (aka Tuesday.  I hope to get this one done tomorrow, but we'll see.)
Georgetown University School of Foreign Service - Wednesday, January 15th
American University (DC) School of International Service - Wednesday, January 15th
American University in Paris - Saturday, February 1st
NC State - Saturday, March 1st

I'm simultaneously exhausted and wide awake right now.  I gave up on Mom's CDs around 2 am, so I might just do that instead of the JH application so I can be in top form for that.

My future is about to not be the future anymore, y'all.  Things just got real.  I can't spend the next several months in freakout mode.  Jesus help me.

The day after Texas, the day before surgery.

This morning, I didn't get up until 8:00.  Mommom got here at 8:15.  That is so very unlike me, but it's my own fault.  I stayed up half the night getting caught up on all the TV show winter finales I didn't even try to watch while I was in Texas.  Normally, though, I can get myself up on time if I know I have somewhere to be, but today it just wasn't happening.  Thankfully Mommom hadn't eaten breakfast, either, so she didn't mind stopping at all.

When you schedule surgery only 8 days in advance and for a day that's two days after you get back from a trip, you really don't have any time to waste.  Today I had to head to Kinston for my pre-op stuff.  It was typical.  A quick meeting with my doctor to go over some details, then instructions on where I needed to go over at the hospital (which is only across the street, yay).  I had to watch some stupid instructional video and then registered and went to get my bloodwork done.  Then we had to wait a while to see the anesthesiologist because for some reason there was only one there, so he was having to run back and forth between people like me and operating rooms.  Everything went off no problem, though, and we were leaving Kinston by 12:30, got lunch, and were back in Swansboro by 2:00.

I couldn't call to find out what time my surgery tomorrow is until after 3:00 because they don't finalize the schedule until late in the day, so I decided to take a nap.  I didn't plan on sleeping until 4:30, but at least I woke up and called before they left for the day.  Hooray!  For once I don't have to be up before the sun for surgery.  My surgery isn't scheduled until 12:00 noon, so we don't have to be there until 10:30, which means we don't have to leave the house until 9:00.  Mom and I are both thrilled about that.

Mom made tacos for dinner before 7:00, which was when I was no longer allowed to have anything but clear liquids, and I spent a good portion of the night working on some stuff for my grad school applications.  I also organized stuff for tomorrow, took my first of two pre-surgery showers with the nasty scrub they give you, and spent a good bit of time talking to friends.  Around 11:00, I had a big bowl of chicken broth.  Agh.

I've been working on getting caught up on the blog ever since (obviously).  I usually don't sleep much the night before a surgery, anyway, so this was as good a time as any, and I'm glad I won't get even more behind.  Now it's almost 3:30 in the morning.  My alarm is set for 7:45.  I'll probably load up my computer (because I highly doubt I'll even want to pick it up for a few days), and then lay in bed and do stuff on my phone until I get tired enough to sleep for a bit.  Writing all these blog posts did make me feel more tired than usual, so that's a good sign. :)

I'll try and get a quick post up tomorrow night (from my phone), just to let  y'all know I'm okay.  If I don't get on here, you can probably find updates on my Twitter, because that is much easier to use, especially in a drugged up state.  Thank you for your prayers!

That overwhelming sense of...

I'm just so glad this is over!!!

Seriously.  I'm so tired from all that that test involved today, but any feelings of exhaustion or disappointment with my scores (I'll get to that in a bit) are completely overshadowed by the immense relief that I feel that this is just over and done with and I don't have to stress about studying for it anymore.  My plans for the next 48 hours basically involve getting out of my bed as few times as possible.  It's going to be grand.

My test was scheduled to start at 12:30, but the appointment ticket said arrive at least half an hour early.  Since neither Mom nor I totally knew where we were going, and I knew we'd need lunch and stuff, I told her I wanted to leave at like 10:00 because it's about a 90 minute drive to Wilmington on a good day.  I slept okay; I went to sleep easily just after 11:00, but woke up at like 3:40 and took almost an hour to get back to sleep.  So I didn't get up until 8:45.  Surprisingly, Mom actually got up without a fight and we only left a few minutes after 10 (which is really, really good for us), but of course, she had to get cigarettes and fill up on gas, and we got caught behind some absurdly slow cars, so with all of that and stopping for lunch and figuring out where to drive on a campus Mom hasn't been on in 15 years, we pulled into the parking lot by the building two minutes before noon.  And of course, I originally forgot my snack and water for the break, so I had to go back to the car.  Luckily, Mom hadn't driven off yet, and it didn't matter that I found the room a few minutes after noon.  I thought the paperwork would take at least until 12:30 either from the amount of it or the number of people starting at that time, but nope.  I walked in, put my stuff in a locked locker, wrote out these two sentences that basically said I promise not to cheat and signed the paper, and was signing in to start the test at 12:13.

With six sections (the writing was an hour, the three verbal had 30 minutes each allotted - and one of those was an experimental section and didn't count, though I don't know which one, and the two math had 35 minutes allotted each) and a ten-minute break, the test was due to take four hours.  But see, if I finish a section early, I cannot go back and go over answers I've already chosen or I will drive myself crazy second guessing my decisions.  So when I finished a section, I just went on to the next one.  So I checked out at 3:19.  There was some intense rain on the way home, so we got in about 5:15, and aside from getting food, taking out the trash and recycling (my weekly Monday chore) and taking a shower, I have not gotten out of bed since.  It has been wonderful.

Now to the only part anyone is probably remotely interested in: my scores.  My head has been absolutely awful since the moment I woke up this morning, so I knew I was going in at a disadvantage, but thankfully, I didn't feel as nervous as I expected to be.  I got a 154 on the Verbal section, which is 64th percentile, and 158 on the Math, which is 79th percentile.  Obviously, it'll take a bit before I get my Writing score since people, ya know, have to read the essays.   I was greatly disappointed at first, especially considering I didn't get to answer like 3 of the last math questions because time ran out, but after a pep talk from my mom and some encouragement from my friends, especially a few who have already taken the GRE and similar tests, I feel a lot better.  This isn't going to be the only thing schools look at, and my very good GPA and what I'm certain will be some excellent recommendation letters will help balance it out.

And in the end, I know that I did the best I could, especially given the circumstances with my head and how that was affecting my vision.  Even more than that, though, I know that God will direct me to the school that is perfect for me, just like He did with Campbell, which was such a total surprise.  He's good like that.

And speaking of Campbell, only SIX MORE DAYS until I return HOME!!!!!!!!!

Can you tell I'm excited? ;)

Game Time

All right, y'all.  It's here.

In about 14 hours, I'll be starting the biggest scholastic test I've ever faced.

As you can imagine, most of my day was filled with a LOT of reviewing.  I tried to give myself a good balance, though, and spent some time talking to some friends of mine who are oh so faithful to tell me the truth, things I already knew but that they knew I needed reminding of.  This is going to be a messy week, so I had extra nerves on top of the nerves I already had about the test, but God is faithful to speak through my dear, loyal friends to tell me exactly what I need to hear.  I'm so blessed in that area - it's never lost on me.  DNA doesn't make family, love does. :)

If you think of me, pray for solid sleep, minimal pain (morning and early afternoon are usually my worst times), and good memory.  I greatly appreciate it.

And can I just say again, I'm SUPER grateful I will know my Verbal and Math scores immediately. :)

Good night, y'all.  I took my night meds early so that my sleeping pill would be working at a good hour, and I am definitely tired.

Here's to the future.

Getting closer...

I'm not sure why we didn't go to Mom's school today, but whatever.  I spent most of the day in excruciating pain, so I guess it was a good thing.

I literally could not wake up until 5:30 tonight.  Thankfully Mom made me tacos without me even having to ask; that was how I got woken up - a knock on my door.

Then, I've spent the whole rest of the night working on GRE stuff.  Reviewing is necessary but kind of annoying.  I typed out the list of word roots and most commonly used words on the GRE (with definitions), then basic info on each section and info from the book on how to approach each section, each essay type in the writing section, and each question type in the verbal and math sections.

I didn't stop until my head was at the unbearable point again.  Tomorrow, all I'll have to do is go through the math resource at the back of the book and write out all the concepts/formulas I don't have memorized but need to know, and then go through the practice test and review the problems, specifically the ones I got wrong, and then review the 10 or so pages of info I'll have compiled (which is a heck of a lot better than an almost 600 page book!).  I'll also have to check out the website to figure out what I'm supposed to about the list of schools I want my scores sent to.  The book says bring a list with you, but there's something in my email confirmation that says you set that up online.  So yeah, I need to figure that out tomorrow. But that's it.  Which is probably a good thing, because the book says you're supposed to take it easy the day before.  I've already got test day info, my appointment ticket, and directions printed off so I won't even have to worry about that tomorrow.

No matter how I do, good or bad, I'm mostly just ready for this thing to be over with so I don't have to think about it anymore.  That's about it.  I just want to be done.

I'm a nerd. A nerd with an adorable nephew.

It's officially official! :)  I am allowed to learn how to drive a car.  This is my temporary permit until the hard one comes in the mail.  I'm so excited.  Mom's even letting me drive part of the way to school tomorrow (we're going in the old car).  Yes, we're going to school tomorrow.  Mostly to get out of the house, but also so I can study without dealing with Chelsea and she can continue to get more work done on her classroom.  The good news is it will be all day, and Mom only has one bulletin board left to cover now that she's gotten some new wrapping paper, and that's the only thing left I can help her with.  So I should actually get some real studying done this time.

Speaking of studying, today was a rather productive day in that area.  Despite dealing with an unbearable headache for part of the day, I managed to study all the vocab and the 100 math concepts in the back of the book, and then I took the practice test that was also in the back of the book.  If that were the real test, I would've gotten a 161 (out of 170) on Verbal, and 163 on Math.  I still need to really fix my issues in the Verbal section, and I also made a few stupid mistakes because I was so tired tonight, so I know I can do better than this.  I have to do better than this.  But still, scoring in the 160s when I was not at the top of my game is a pretty good confidence booster.

Not much else happened today.  I listened to a lot of music while I was working to drown out all the yelling because Chelsea was particularly awful today.  I am happy that Mom is basically going on strike against her.

Random change of subject.  You know how a lot of people are obsessed with games like Candy Crush?  Well, I'm obsessed with Words with Friends.  The nerd is obsessed with what is basically Scrabble.  Wonders never cease, do they? ;)  All that to say, this happened the other day, and it made me pretty stoked.

134 points on one word.  That beat my old one-word record by 22 points.  :)  Watch, before long, I'll get hooked on Candy Crush.

Also, here's a funny video for you.  We were in the car after we picked Chelsea up from work the other day, and the song "Won't you take me to Funkytown?" came on the radio.  I asked Blake if he wanted to go (jokingly), but he took it seriously and was all, "Pwe pwe pweeeeeeeeease?! Go Funk-town!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7MhF6z6iBDc


HILARIOUS.  I've watched that video like two dozen times and it cracks me up every time.  Man, I love that kid.

Approved!

Last week, I got a really vague letter from the DMV.  It said that my medical paperwork had been approved so I was allowed to drive, but it talked about needing to wait for contact from some guy about the Driver Education School.  When I went at the end of June and took the permit tests, the lady never mentioned that I would need lessons before I could get my permit, presumably because I'm 21.  But the way the letter was worded, my mom and I were left thinking we needed to wait on a phone call before I could go get my permit.  Not to mention, this was a real problem considering I got the letter 2.5 weeks before I leave for school.

Well, I finally decided to call the number on the letter today, some area in the NC DMV headquarters.  I talked to some lady who reviewed what the letter said, because thankfully they scan in copies of every letter sent out, and told me that I didn't have to wait on anything.  I can go get my permit tomorrow!  And thankfully, Chelsea doesn't work until 8 tomorrow, which means we can just drop her off and head straight on to the DMV and Mom will only have to make one trip.  Since I've already taken and passed the tests and it hasn't been 90 days since I did so, all I'll basically have to do is go in and pay and get my picture taken and boom.  I'm so excited!

The rest of the day was spent studying, of course, and thankfully my mom didn't bug me much, aside from the point where I had to clean off her dresser full of tons of mail and a little bit of miscellaneous junk looking for an envelope that had all the documents I will need to present tomorrow to get the permit.  Luckily, we'd put all that together back in June when I expected to get my permit and left it all in said envelope for this very occasion.

Also, I'm super thankful because while I was cleaning out all that mail, I found a letter from Mom's new county/employer and, it turns out, her New Teacher Orientation is only 2 days instead of 3, and Chelsea has already asked for those days off.  So Mom isn't even going to tell Chelsea, because she'll go into a rage if she finds out, and just pretend she's going to the orientation and instead spend a whole day working in her classroom.  So she's not going to try and guilt me into babysitting Blake tomorrow so she can go then.  This means I can wake up super early to go take Chelsea to work and then go to the DMV, and then come back and spend all day studying.

I'll be honest, studying for a test this important while in this much pain has been pretty intense, but the closer the test gets, I'm surprisingly not getting more stressed.  I just have that kind of peace that tells you everything is going to work out okay.  It may not end up the way I expect or want it to, but it will work out okay.  :)

Oh, one more thing.  I finalized the list of grad schools I'm applying to.  Don't ask me which one is my top choice; they're all so good!

- Georgetown
- American University (in DC)
- Johns Hopkins (right outside of DC, but I can do one or both years of the program in Bologna, Italy!!)
- Princeton (which promises that all of its graduate students will graduate debt free)
- NYU
- Columbia (living in NYC and going to either one of these schools for grad school would be pretty much a dream come true)
- University of Liverpool (I heart Liverpool!)
- Oxford (yes, that one, also in the UK)
- American University of Paris (in which I can do a one-year program for an English Master's degree, or do a two-year bilingual program and also earn a degree from the Sorbonne!!!!)
- NC State...because, for some bizarre reason, they have a Master's in International Relations, and everyone needs a safety school ;)

Ten schools, any of which I would be thrilled to attend.  The number seemed crazy to me at first, but Alex told me he applied to eleven law schools, so that made me feel less weird.  Besides, nine of the ten are EXTREMELY competitive schools; I'll be happy if I just get accepted to a few of them!  And Uncle Ed has already promised to, at the very least, take care of all the application fees.  Such an angel, that man.  :)

It's getting real, y'all!

Truly Human

First off, watch this video.



This video explains perfectly why I am so unbelievably grateful that I know people like The Vespers, that I go to school at Campbell, and that I found the church that I did.  These three very different entities have brought me people who love me unfailingly, who worked their way past the walls I'd built up when it would have been so much easier to turn around and leave.  I think you are truly known by very few people in this life; there are very few people who know you in your bones, who know your messes and failures and shortcomings and flaws and choose to see the good in you anyway.

I had a long chat with Caitie today.  I know I just talked to her earlier this week, but I needed to talk to her about the same thing I talked to Kyla about, and unsurprisingly, she had almost the exact same words of wisdom for me that Kyla did.  Which is mostly what I already knew, but I needed to hear it from someone else to get out of my own head for a bit.  Those two, I swear, they feel more and more like my big sisters with every conversation, which is kind of hilarious since I've never met Kyla and have only spent less than two hours total with Caitie.  But the stuff I talk to them about, I could never talk to Holly about, even if she were a Christian.  They're just special.  They're some of the few who really do know me in my bones.  They see my humanity in its rawest form, yet they still love to help me and walk with me and just be there when I need them.  That is a priceless gift.  I'm gonna do what they said and just try to focus on the here and now and what I can control and stop trying to control a future that isn't even figured out yet.

Speaking of the future, tonight, I randomly decided to get together all the information and dates I need for all of my grad school applications.  Holy cow.  I knew this was going to be expensive, but it's a whole different story when you see the totals written out in front of you.  To apply to 9 different schools, with one not having a fee, is going to cost about $715.  And the problem is, they're all such good schools, I don't know how to eliminate any of them!  I have to call my Uncle Ed sometime in the next few days so we can talk about this and I know exactly what he's willing to contribute.  I almost feel bad asking him to help with grad school after he gave me a free undergraduate education, but I know him and he won't be offended, and it can't hurt to ask.  If anything, I have a feeling he'll at least pay for the application fees.  I don't care if I have to finance grad school solely on loans; it's going to happen.  The job market is so advanced nowadays that, in my field, you basically can't get anywhere with just a Bachelor's degree.

And with that, I am off to bed.  Tomorrow marks only 3 weeks until move in day.  Yay!

Girl Talk

God bless NyQuil.  I have not sneezed constantly today, and my head feels so much better.  I'm not 100% yet, but I'm getting there.

Feeling better means I finally got some more GRE work done.  I hadn't got any done for a few days because of Mom's stuff and then just feeling awful.

Then, I got to have a very long chat with Kyla, which has not happened in quite some time.  Some of it was just simple girl talk, which is always good and fun, but most of it was just us listening to each other and giving advice on issues we're each facing.  She definitely helped me a lot and had tons of Godly wisdom and somehow knew exactly what I needed to hear.  I am not ready to talk about what she helped me with, and I'm not sure if or when I will.  It's...special.  And important to me.  And I want to figure out what is going on and where things are going to go before I share it with anyone else.  What's really important is how this reminded me again just how valuable girlfriends are.  They have the ability to know when you need advice and when you just need someone to listen.  And Kyla knows me and my personality so well that she always get it right.  It still cracks me up that the first time I'll meet her is about 3 days before she gets married. :)

Shane passed away last night.  Prayers for Mandy's family are appreciated and so felt.

That's all, folks.

Nope.

Despite feeling like a zombie when I went to bed last night, I still did not get a good night's sleep. In fact, it got even worse. Whereas before, I was waking up every 2 to 3 hours, last night I was waking up every hour to hour and a half. Fun stuff.  I think I'm gonna call my doctor tomorrow and ask her to up my sleeping pill because it is either a reaction to the pain or a sign my body has stopped responding to this med dosage, as has happened many times with many medications. So we'll see.  My mom gave me a sleeping pill she had to see if that helps me get one restful night.  I sure hope so.

I'm currently blogging from my phone because I'm laying in my mom's bed.  I have spent the vast majority of the day in here, save for a few hours when Blake was taking a nap and I was working on my GRE prep.  That's going well, by the way.  I'm feeling much less stressed about it all now that I've actually started. Go figure!

Yep, that pretty much sums up my day. No sleep, playing with Blake, hanging out with Mom (the woman has a massive HGTV obsession), GRE prep.  I really do appreciate that we get along so well; considering Chelsea is so awful, it's nice that I don't have to be alone all the time.  Four weeks until I go back to school, and as much as I love Campbell, I do miss getting to hang out with my mom when I'm there.

I also miss her food. Just saying.

This is when I start smacking myself.

As opposed to yesterday, when I just wanted to smack myself for being so stupid as to not see that major meltdown coming, today I am actually smacking myself so I can stay awake for this last load of laundry to dry.  It has been a very, very long day.

Despite my efforts, I still cannot get a solid night's sleep.  Waking up every 2-3 hours like an infant,my head throbbing the entire time.  I was so tired last night and didn't get in bed until almost 2, so I thought I would be able to sleep until at least 11.  Nope, I woke up for good at 9:45.  My head was in really, really bad shape, so I had to take one of these pills called Naproxen that is so powerful if you take it more than 2 or 3 times a week, it will literally eat a hole in your stomach, and normally those knock me out for a good 6 hours.  Except this time I didn't get to sleep it off because I needed to eat and then Blake came in my room.

Mom is injured, so I basically did all of the taking care of Blake today, on top of picking up some of the house, taking out all the trash and recycling, and all the laundry, and trying to get some studying in in there.  All in a drug-induced fog.

The good news about the studying is that I got through all of the math section up to the 120-question practice test, and the concepts are, like, stupid easy.  Like this stuff is algebra and geometry that I was doing in middle school and early high school.  So like the ages of 11-13.  I'm definitely going to have to work on the verbal section a lot more than I will the math.

I was watching Glee earlier while waiting for a load to finish drying, and I legit started tearing up at the sight of Cory Monteith.  That has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of my day or anything I'm saying here, but his death is the first celeb death in quite some time that has really moved me.  Glee, as cheesy and faulty as it is, is one of my favorite shows, and it will not be the same without him.

Anyway, yeah, I'm getting this blog out of the way really early (at least for me) because as soon as this load is done, I am sorting it into individual piles, delivering them, and folding my stuff (normally I fold everyone's, but Mom is so particular about her clothes and plus I'm just too tired) as quickly as possible and collapsing into bed.

Hopefully tomorrow I won't wake up an hour before my alarm.  Also hopefully I won't wake up every 3 hours tonight.  I just want some solid sleep.  Is that so much to ask?

Panic mode in 3. 2. 1...

Oh my heavens I AM SUCH AN IDIOT.  I totally did not see the mess that I was today coming, and I totally should have.

Waiting until 24 days before a massive test that will determine what grad schools I get into to start studying when I've had the prep book since May pretty much guarantees that I was going to flip out once I actually did open the book.

Well, it just so happened that that initial freakout coincided with me taking a timed diagnostic test and my mother needing me to watch Blake so she could take a muscle relaxer.  That, in turn, led to a massive fight between my mom and I, all over the fact that basically we both felt like the other didn't care about what is important to us, magnified by the fact that I had to call the people who made my prep book to delete my one incomplete attempt at the test because I didn't realize until after I quit it to go get Blake (who then wanted nothing to do with me) that I wouldn't be able to get back in.

And then by the time that we all calmed down, I proceeded to just lay on my mom's bed and cry because of the oh-so-typical-of-me, overwhelming fear that I'm not good enough for this.  That always happens.  I never ever have as much faith in myself as everyone else does in me.  And my mom actually apologized for putting added pressure on me without getting defensive about it, which is a first.

By the time they left to go get Chelsea and go to an appointment for Blake, my head, which had actually started out the day in pretty fair shape, was a disaster so I had to sleep, knowing full well that I wouldn't retain any information at that point.

I woke up and studied for about an hour before they got home with groceries, and then I ate dinner and took a short break and just talked to Mom for a bit.  Then, I spent from 7:30 to midnight studying the Verbal section of the book.

I have to say, if it weren't for my great friend M, who took the GRE last year and had all sorts of advice for me and was so willing to repeatedly talk me out of that panic, I don't think I'd be as calm as I am right now.  Yes, I have a lot to study, but I have a good base vocabulary.  Math has always been pretty easy for me, and it's not like we're doing calculus or something ridiculous.  I can do this, if I just apply myself.  And as M reminded me, it's just a test and one of several factors grad schools will be looking at.

I keep reminding myself that I get this panicky feeling at the beginning of every single semester when I see the workload in front of me.  This is the same thing.  It seems daunting now, especially looking at how much time I wasted, but I will be fine.  It always works out fine.  I have to believe that, or this whole thing is going to turn into a giant self-fulfilling prophecy.

I just hope I don't spend the next 24 days in panic mode.  My body can't take that.  Neither can my sanity.  God, give me the peace to get through this and the wisdom to do my best....

And now I'm going to bed because despite my 3-hour nap this afternoon, it is 1:30 am, and I am absolutely exhausted.

Maybe that's why I'm calm...I don't have enough energy to freak out anymore.  Haha!