Couple the fact that thanks to my head issues, my vision got so blurry in the middle of American Foreign Relations that I couldn't read the quiz that was right in front of my face with the fact that I just had a tear-filled conversation with Holly that ended with me doing something I've known I needed to do for a while now but kept avoiding, and I feel like a complete mess.
I had to lay in bed with my eyes closed for about 5 hours before my vision cleared up and my head eased up enough for me to actually be able to handle having my eyes open, but the bad news is that I am now even further behind on the report I have due next week. Sigh. This semester is so totally kicking my butt.
On top of that, something has happened over the past week that I've kept off this blog as I've prayed and tried to figure out what to do about it. One of the two guys in this post, the one that I said I could "probably never at all" be with, would be Landon. Despite me practically begging him to stop contacting me a few weeks ago because I needed to protect my heart and my relationship with Holly and talking to him did nothing but make my heart hurt anyway, he showed back up this weekend to pour out what was on his heart...or at least what he said was on his heart. I only told a couple people about it as I tried to come to terms with everything he'd said, praying that I could manage to keep it a secret from my family. Another Landon secret from them, all over again.
But tonight I was thinking about it, the more I felt guilty about it. So I called Holly, and prayed that she wouldn't get upset. She didn't, thankfully, but made it quite clear that though she has forgiven me for the mistakes I made with/regarding him in the past, she will never approve of me talking to him. And she told me what she thinks is probably happening on his end, the side of him that she knows, the side I've never been exposed to. I've had this nagging feeling since I talked to Michal, actually since before then - talking to her just strengthened the feeling, that all of this was a mistake, that I was going to walk right back into a disaster if I kept this up. And for the first time, Holly and I can have real, open, honest conversations, like "normal" sisters. I knew that screwing that up would be a mistake I probably wouldn't be able to fix.
So after I got off the phone with her, I did what I've been avoiding doing this whole time, for years now, since before he showed up this last time. I blocked him. And I wish I could tell you that it was easy and that I felt this huge weight lift off of my shoulders when I hit that button, but that would be a lie.
The truth is that I'm sitting here shaking.
The truth is I'm sitting here wondering if I'm ever not going to miss this guy that I never should have let myself fall for in the first place.
The truth is that even though I know blocking him was the right thing to do, it still feels like it broke my heart. How can choosing my own sister, or more importantly, my relationship with God, feel so heartbreaking?!
The truth is I'm sitting here wondering if clarity over who he really is and what this years-long disaster meant will ever come.
The truth is, simply, that I hurt, that I wish I didn't cry so hard over a boy like him, but I did. And I know that this is small and rather inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, but just like I said yesterday, I put my heart 100% into every relationship that I make, and I did just that with him. When your emotions get trampled on by life, when you force yourself to choose between the sister you're finally close to and the guy you've loved for so long, there's no way for that not to hurt.
So here I sit, trying to let myself fall into the God whose love is perfect and unconditional, and thanking Him for caring about all the details of my life, even this.
I hope He's proud of me for following His nudging and taking a step in the right direction, even if it was just a baby step and even if it hurt to do it. I finally swallowed my pride and my selfish desires and did what I knew I needed to do to protect my heart, something I've been trying to force myself to learn how to do for years now. I feel like with Landon out of the way, my heart is on the track to getting back to being centered on God, which is where it belongs, and for that, I am grateful.
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