I need strength.

I'm too exhausted to truly blog tonight, so this is a copy-and-paste of the prayer request I posted on The City (that online community of that church in Texas I've been in touch with for months).  It will give you a pretty clear description of where I am right now.

Well, I think that I can definitively say that the Botox did not work, considering yesterday I couldn’t so much as open my eyes for most of the day and today it took every ounce of willpower and energy I had to make it through my classes.

Certain people in my life, God bless ‘em, are under the impression that I don’t question what God is doing in all of this.  Quite the contrary, I’ve spent a lot of time lately, especially since I realized this round of Botox failed, wondering what the heck the point in all of this is.  What I don’t question is who God is.  I know as well as I know that the sky is blue that my God is who He says He is.

But I’ll be honest, I’m exhausted and scared and beyond frustrated.  Only making it a week into school before I had to miss a day of class and work scares me when this is my last year of undergrad and these two semesters matter so much when I’m trying to get into grad school.  I feel like I can barely hold my head up, and I have a semester ahead of me that isn’t going to slow down in the slightest until it’s over in December.  The load I have this semester is harder than anything I’ve faced so far in college, and I didn’t have to face any of those other semesters in constant, excruciating pain.  And then I get caught up in my own head wondering how I’m going to succeed in grad school if this pain doesn’t go away and I know the load is only heavier there.

I know that God is good, and I know that He’s working this for my good, but it’s really hard to focus on that when I spend every waking hour of the day on the verge of tears.  So what I’m asking for is prayers for strength: strength to keep pressing forward in the work I have ahead of me, strength to fight against the enemy’s attempts to distract me from the love of my Father, strength to trust in Him when I feel so beaten down.  I just need strength.

I’ve gotten a lot of compliments in the past few days about how amazing I am in facing this.  I asked Pastor Chris how I’m supposed to respond because I feel like I’m not doing a good enough job showing people that this is all God and not me, and he gave me the perfect response:  It’s a honor to represent Him.  It IS my honor to represent the Lord, to know that He has chosen me for a story that I have personally seen change people’s lives, but I am still human, and I am exhausted.

Thanks.  Love y’all.

So yeah...that's about it.  I know there are a lot worse problems going on in the world today, but I feel like I'm falling.  Falling and failing and breaking and I just want this not to be so hard.  Some days I feel Him carrying me, some days I don't, and right now I don't and I really wish I did because He's the only one who can help me right now.

I love y'all.  Truly.