Let go and forgive.

I know I said I wasn't going to talk about him anymore, but tonight, I really need to.  Not because something happened with him, but because I had a conversation with a friend who asked about the situation with him, and she really opened my eyes to some things that I think I was in denial about.

I'm the kind of person who needs closure to things.  I don't deal well when people just up and disappear from my life like this boy did.  I've been feeling like I didn't know how to forgive him for what happened until or unless I could have one last conversation with him to get at least some of the many questions I have answered.  But when God told people to forgive, He didn't give conditions about it.  It wasn't "Forgive if he tells you what you need to hear."  It wasn't "Forgive if he apologizes for breaking your heart."  He simply said, "Forgive, my child, as I have forgiven you."

Beyond that, though, this friend tonight made me realize that forgiveness isn't about him.  It isn't for him.  Considering I don't even think he knows how badly he hurt me and I haven't heard from him in close to a month, I don't really think he cares whether I'm angry with him or I've forgiven him.  Forgiveness is for me.  I'm not going to be able to really let him go, let the past I have with him go, until I figure out how to forgive him on my own.  I have to learn to forgive him now, without knowing whether or not he'll ever show up in my life again.  My heart's not going to heal until I do.  Holding onto this anger and this pain does nothing but drag me down.

I'm not gonna lie.  There have been several times where I've almost called him, I've almost chewed him out for not caring about what he did to me.  But as this oh-so-wise girlfriend put it tonight, "Mal, you're giving him way too much credit.  He probably has no freaking clue."  And she's right.  I mean, guys his age are notorious for being dense and selfish.  And besides, in my heart, I know it wouldn't make any difference.  If I did make that phone call, by the end of it, I'd be apologizing again and he'd be acting like he was doing me some sort of favor.

I don't need pity.  His, or anyone else's.  Never in my life have I been a charity case, so I'm not going to start now.  If I called him, I'd probably be inviting him back into my life.  If I didn't, would this "closure" even do anything?  I know I did the right thing by cutting him out, but the pain is still there.  That's why I have to forgive him, and the sooner the better, because the pain isn't going to go away until I do.  It's still new to me, though.  I've never let go of someone without forcing one last conversation out of them.  And I can't do that this time.  I just can't.  I don't have it in me.  He meant too much, what I thought I found in him meant too much.

So here I sit.  Saying the same things in a thousand different ways because my words are all I have left, annoying the people who love me because I can't let all of this go, angry at myself because I still care about a boy who didn't respect me.  Every day he doesn't reach out to me pushes me another step closer to accepting the fact that the friendship I thought I had wasn't real and he isn't who I thought he was.

I know what good has come out of this.  It's pushed me closer to God, taught me more about myself and relying on God than being friends with this boy ever did, and made me see who my real friends are.  For the first time in my life, I've been able to earnestly pray for this boy.  I've never been able to pray for someone who hurt me before, but I pray for him.  I pray that knowing me taught him something, I pray that he won't make the same mistakes with another girl, I pray someone's able to show him the love I tried to show him that he couldn't see.  I used to pray that no one would ever do this to him, but sooner or later, someone will because we're all broken people.  I'm broken, he's broken, and broken people break hearts.

I have to forgive him.  I have to let him go.  This was never really about him, anyway.  This was about me and the Father who loves me despite the countless times I mess up.  This was about me seeing His love for me in a whole new light.  I still have God, and by this friend's words tonight, that means "I got the better end of the deal."  And I did.  I got a perfect God and left a broken boy who couldn't love me where he belongs - out of my life.

God, please show me how to forgive him.  Show me how to forgive him the way you forgive me all day every day.  Take this off of my shoulders and out of my mind so I can focus on all of the blessings that You've put in my life.  Help me let go.  Not just of him, but all the anger I've been in denial about harboring, for the grandfather who never loved me, for the sister who doesn't know how to love, for all of the times I've been left in the dust.  I still have You, and that means I win.