Pain-wise, anyway.
My pain is almost gone today, and that is nothing short of a miracle. I've been dealing with pleurisy and referred pain for two and a half years, and it has never dissipated in 24 hours. (Of course, I've been sitting up for five hours grading stuff for Mom, so I have a whole new kind of pain, but hey, pain is a part of my day-to-day life, and it is so much better than yesterday.)
Just when I start to feel down about things, God comes in and slaps me back to reality. Okay, maybe not slaps. It's more like a good grabbed-by-the-shoulders shaking. Don't you see, child? Don't you see how good you have it? It never ceases to amaze me what He is willing to do to get me back to that place of gratitude.
I'm not strong by myself. (I think that's been well-established.) None of us are. I'm not good, and it's not in my nature to find the blessings in life when I'm upset or frustrated. Angie Smith said in the video that I posted yesterday that God could have made that our nature if He had chosen to, but He made us all with these doubting, questioning habits because He wants us to pursue Him, and I absolutely agree. It's the determination to pursue and praise Him despite the horrible, sinful nature of this world that keeps us moving towards the eternity where we know we belong. Because He is worth it.
So while I appreciate all of the compliments you guys never shy away from giving me, I hope you see that this isn't me. I can't do any of this by myself. My past shows just how far I can drop without Him pulling me back and reviving me. I've been in that dark hole of nothingness, feeling like I had nothing to live for, that no one cared about me, and I am NEVER going back there. Ever. It's simply not an option in my book. My eyes have been opened to the magnitude and beauty of His grace penetrating my life, and I can't go back to pretending that it's not there, that He's not there.
I know my blog has been a little heavy on the "God talk" lately. I'm sorry if you're not happy with the changes, I truly am. I'm amazed that anyone stills bothers reading this, honestly. But I meant it when I said that that trip to Nashville changed my life and changed who I am as a person. Before that trip, I often wondered what it would feel like to hear God speak to me, to physically feel His presence with me, and ever since then, it's like I've been finding Him everywhere. So that is what pours out onto my blog, the evidence of the impact God and that trip and that world-rocking experience have had on my life.
I spent a lot of time apologizing for who I am and apologizing for sticking to my beliefs, but I'm not going to do that anymore. This is who I am, a daughter of the most magnificent God who is determined to keep her eyes on Him, chasing after Him relentlessly, letting Him use me in whatever way He sees fit. Now, I am proud to be able to say that He is what keeps me going, and I know and believe with my whole heart and soul that He is who will give me the determination to not quit running after Him until I can look Him in the face and give thanks for all He's done.
The problem's not a gun, not a color, not a hundred dollar bill.
We think the struggle can be won with simple thoughts like 'come together, be good willed.'
The gap between the rich and poor is spreading out all the more, or so they say.
We ignore the claims.
Oh, my soul, faint not, no, faint not.
Oh, my soul, keep up, up in love.
It's not that we don't know or we're not shown the proof of poverty.
It's not that we don't have the tools to go to break this yoke of slavery.
We quit because it's not an easy fix and then forget that they are even there.
We forget to care.
Oh, my soul, faint not, no, faint not.
Oh, my soul, keep up, up in love.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, let me pardon.
Where there is darkness, let the light come, come.
Oh, my soul, faint not, no, faint not.
Oh, my soul, keep up, up in love.
Oh, my soul, faint not, no, faint not.
Oh, my soul, keep up, up in love.
Faint not.
Faint not.
Glad you are feeling better!
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