Where did summer go?

I had no idea that a summer that was as a whole so righteously boring could fly by so quickly.

I have two weeks of summer left.  Well, less than that, technically, since the 14th is move-in day and there won't really be anything "summer"-like about it.

But still.

Whoa. 

No doubt about it, I am ready to be back.  I love that place.  Even if the work gives me a headache and I get a little homesick sometimes, I still love it, and I honestly couldn't imagine being anywhere else.  I can't imagine not knowing the people I know now because of that school.  I can't imagine life being any different, which is funny because two and a half years ago I was deadset on going to a completely different school.  Campbell was my "backup choice", my "last resort" (because I knew I'd get in here).  I wasn't even excited about coming here till the first time I got to visit the campus.  And now, as cliché as it sounds, I don't want to be anywhere else.  And I love the fact that I never saw this whole experience coming.

My life is hilarious.  My life is surprising.  But most of all, my life is beautiful.

So I tried.

I slept great last night.  13 hours straight without waking up once.  That was new.  It felt good, too. 

And then I woke up.  Stupid migraine. 

I tried one of those shots that the doc gave me on Tuesday.  Giving it was fine; the feeling of the injection startled me a bit, but it only hurt for like two seconds.  The bad news is that it totally did not help my migraine.  Not only did it not help, it's made me feel like crap all day and my migraine is worse tonight than it was when I woke up today.

Oh well.  Worth a shot, I guess. 

And yes, that pun was intended.

(I didn't do anything today because of said headache, so there you go.)

I'm grateful for answers.

It's been an even longer than usual day.  I've been up since 2:40.  2:40 a.m.  I went to bed about 11:15 pm, woke up then because I had to go to the bathroom, and couldn't get back to sleep.  So I laid there till 6:15 am when I had to get up for the day.  Caffeine and having a lot of things to do are pretty much the two sole reasons that I'm even awake right now.  In fact, I kind of feel like I've hit my second wind...

I went to get my ultrasound results today.  No cysts!!  And it showed an issue that explains ALL of the problems I've had since I got my first period when I was 11.  I'd call that a successful doctor's appointment, wouldn't you?  **If you don't want to read me talking about periods and my uterus, skip the rest of this paragraph.**  The deal is that the lining of my uterus is twice as thick as it is supposed to be.  That explains why my periods are so ridiculously heavy and long and why I have cramps 24/7, not just when I'm on my period.  So I'm going to keep taking this Provera hormone for ten days every month (which I will admit sucks because it makes me gain weight, but whatever) for the next few months to see if it thins out the lining and fixes the problem.  When I get home for Christmas break, I'll go get another ultrasound to check it out and determine whether or not it has done so.  If the lining has thinned out, then great, there's nothing else for me to do and my periods should no longer be quite so debilitating.  If not, I will have to get a D&C (yes, the same procedure they do for women who miscarry) to go in and remove the extra lining.

So no matter what happens from here on out, I'm pretty happy.  I got answers to my problems, and I don't have to deal with cysts and possible fertility issues from them.  This is exactly what I was hoping for.  And the most beautiful part about it is that when I was waiting before the appointment, I was overwhelmed with peace.  I wasn't nervous at all about what might be coming.  Thank you, God, for giving me that this morning.

Then Mom, Ms. Rachel and I went shopping all afternoon and I got a bunch of stuff for school, and they got stuff they needed . Hooray for payday!  Plus, it was fun to be out.

Okay, seriously....this whole 2:40am-wakeup-3-hours-of-sleep is not working out for me well.  At least I know for sure I'll sleep well tonight, right?

Insomnia comes in handy every now and then.

Like today, for example.

When Mom doesn't fall asleep till 5 am, she doesn't have the energy to have a "Cleaning Day".

:)

Which was probably a good thing, since I also didn't fall asleep till 5 am.

We can't do that tonight.  Chelsea actually has to go to work tomorrow! Haha! And I have an appointment, and Blake has to go to daycare, and Mom gets paid so we have to go shopping.  (My word, it has been a long month!)  All that means I have to get up at 6:15, so I best get going here shortly!

Good thing I'm already tired.

P.S. New biking record yesterday - 28.34 miles! Yay me!

Do you think I was tired?

I fell asleep about 11:00 last night.  It felt good.  Really good.

Guess what time I woke up.

2:40 pm.

Ha!  Apparently yesterday was just slightly too much for me.

I did nothing of remote importance today.  Which is good because Mom has already dubbed tomorrow "Cleaning Day", and when she gets in these moods...well...let's just say, I'm gonna need all the rest I can get. 

Wish me luck. ;)

Boogidy, boogidy, boogidy, AMEN!

I forgot to share this.  Funniest prayer I think I've ever heard. 



That prayer is a thousand times more entertaining than NASCAR has ever been.  I'm gonna start ending all of my prayers just like Pastor Joe Nelms.

In fact, I may just end everything I say like him.

Boogidy, boogidy, boogidy, AMEN!

I'm making this one quick.

So I'm going to do a shorthand recap of the day. Because I'm exhausted, but want to remember it.

6:30 am wake up.
Mom and Chelsea refuse to get up.
Leave at 7:40.
Chelsea to work.
Blake to daycare.
Drive to Raleigh.
Pick up Holly.
Go to Olive Garden.
Go to appointment.
Long wait.
Drop off Holly.
Drive home.
Leftovers for dinner.
Whiny Chelsea.
Lots of arguing.
Mal tired.
Early bed? I think so.

The only important part was the appointment.  Because I'm still having some migraines, my doc said I can go up on the meds I'm on, because they have substantially decreased the number of migraines per week.  Also, she gave me these cool "shots" for when I do get a migraine to see if they will work to not make them last so long or be so strong.  The "cool" part about these shots?  They're needleless injections!  It's apparently a puff of air with the medicine in it that your skin can just absorb!  I was kinda squirmy when she started talking about them because I am soooo needlephobic, but once she told me that, I'm up for anything!  I can deal with pain, just keep the needles away from me. :p

Hasta luego.

Why must I do this to myself?

I am up way too late.  Again.

Somehow, that always happens.  Even when I know that I must get up very early the next day, I find myself still awake at 1 am.  I am crazy.  And also a night owl.  And also an insomniac (which I blame my mother for giving me that gene :p).

It started when The Bachelorette came on at 8 tonight.  It was supposed to last two hours, but one hour in, it got interrupted by an ABC Special News Report, with a speech from President Obama and John Boehner (my thoughts on which will remain off this blog, politics is a passion-filled matter and I choose to avoid verbal wars when possible).  That lasted almost 25 minutes, but thankfully, they started the show where it had been cut off so no one could complain about missing anything.  So that didn't end until 10:30, and then I'd promised Chelsea I would watch a show with her.  Thankfully we have DVR so fastforwarding through commercials sped things up a bit. 

Anyway, you don't need to hear every little detail, but basically, the TV didn't turn off until midnight.  I planned on going to bed then, because I can manage on six and a half hours of sleep, but then I remembered I needed to pluck my eyebrows.  That took about 15 minutes.  And then I checked stuff on the computer, and then Mom called me, so yes, I'm still awake.

And 6:30 is going to come way too soon, so I'm gonna go now.  I'll hate myself enough in the morning for doing this as it is.

I have no idea what got into me today.

I feel safe in saying that I exerted more energy today than I have in the past week combined.

On top of babysitting Blake, I cleaned the living room, sorted through a giant pile of mail, cleaned the dining room, and washed, dried, and folded three loads of laundry (which technically isn't even supposed to be my job).

That was all within a span of four and a half hours.

And then I exercised for an hour, too.

Mom said, "I have no idea what got into you today, but I hope it gets into me soon."  Like I got bit by some radioactive spider or something.  Haha.

I love Blake very, very much, but right now, I'm grateful he's going to daycare tomorrow.  I feel like I've babysat all weekend.  And 16 month olds are exhausting.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've had a ridiculously long day and can feel my eyelids forcing themselves closed.

Oh, and as a sidenote, I made a personal record biking today. 27.33 miles in one hour.  I just want to record that. :)

Gifts and Horses and Other Random Stuff

So today Chelsea worked from 9 to 5.  Shane picked her up and they came over.  Mom really did most of the Blake babysitting today, but when they arrived, I was out in the living room with him.  A few minutes later, Chelsea said, "I'm gonna give you twenty bucks for helping with Blake and stuff."

Whoa.  Chelsea?  Does not voluntarily give away money.  Like EVER.  And I told her it wasn't necessary because the only times I've watched him recently is when she's been at work, not on a date with Shane or whatever.  But she actually insisted.  So hey, like the old saying goes, don't look a gift horse in the mouth.  Cause it'll bite.  And you might lose your gift.  And that would suck.  Well, not really, I made that last part up, but you catch my drift.

Tomorrow, Chelsea works all day again, and Mom is taking Blake out on Uncle Kirk's boat with the whole family, so I'll actually have the house to myself for a good while.  I want to go with Mom, but the heat index outside has been like 115 degrees lately, and I might as well be asking to pass out.

Ooo, and awesome news: Tuesday when Mom and I go to Raleigh for my migraine appointment, we get to have lunch with Holly because she's off that day!  That is so perfect, and I know it's gonna be really good for Mom to see her.

I never thought I'd see the day.

Whoa baby. 

20/20 has put me in shock tonight.  They're following schizophrenic children.  And it's rendered me absolutely speechless.  All I can even think right now is "I never thought I'd feel grateful to have a sister with Chelsea's issues."

Well there's a smack in the face if I've ever seen one.  Thanks, God.  One day after I had a major fight with Chelsea, this 20/20 comes on.  Please, you can't possibly tell me that's a coincidence.

I was going to write a blog post about how I feel watching this show.  I really was.  But I seriously can't even find the words. 

Because for all of her impulsivity and her lack of ability to pay attention, she's never created her own imaginary world to live in.

For all the times Chelsea's threatened to kill me and Mom, and told us she wishes we were dead, she's never actually tried to kill us.

For all the screaming matches, all the fights, all the drama, Chelsea's never hallucinated and said an imaginary person/creature was telling her to hurt us.

For all the times Chelsea's said she wished she lived somewhere else, she's never told us she didn't want to come home because she didn't know how badly she'd hurt us.

God, tonight, I thank you for the reality check.  I really needed it.

The Answers

Vivielle asked:
What's your favorite class you've ever taken in college? Least favorite?
Favorite: French, no question.  Because I love the language, and because of my amazing professor.
Least: My two Environmental Science classes.  I hate science.

How many sisters do you have? (I get confused about that when I read.)
I apologize for making you confused!  I have two sisters.  Holly is 23.  Chelsea is 22, and she's the one who is Blake's mom.

Is there anything that you didn't do that you wish you had? Or anything that you did do and then wished you hadn't?  If those are too personal don't feel like you have to answer them. :)
I told you, I'm an open book. :)  To answer the question, though, I really try not to have regrets, because I really believe that everything happens for a reason, and every decision I've made has gotten me to where I am today.  But if I had to pick something, I wish I hadn't spent my whole school experience being so worried about the rumors people spread about me and what people thought.  It took me till about a month before I graduated high school to stop caring, and I wasted a lot of time being upset over people who couldn't take the time to get to know me and made assumptions without speaking to me.

Tara said:
Picture your life in 10 years. Now make sure it's flawless and exactly what you want. What would it be like?
Ooo, I love this question!  I'm quite the dreamer.  10 years from now...so I'd be 29.  In a perfect world, I will be living in Paris working at the US Embassy.  I'll be thin and healthy. I'll have a wonderful husband.  I'll have two kids, about to start trying to get pregnant with a third.  I will be so succesful at my job that I will be able to pay for my mom to come visit me once a year.  My husband and I will have enough money to get to travel...that's all I can think of for now.

Laura said:
What place in the world would you most like to visit?
Oh geez...this question is hard because there are so many places I want to visit!  Not counting the places I've already been that I want to go back to, I'd really love to go to Beijing. Or Germany. Or Ireland. Or Hawaii.  See, I told you this was hard!

If you could take one thing to a desert island what would it be? (ha!)
That's easy. A computer with wireless internet connection. ;)

That WAS fun! 

Never mind then.

I woke up at 8:00 after getting less than four hours of sleep, got ready and ate breakfast all for my mother to tell me that she has a stomachache.

And it turned out to be a good thing because when she called to reschedule my appointment they told her they wouldn't see me without money for the copay, anyway, and Mom is flat broke.  So there we go.

Thus, I don't have my ultrasound results.  I will next Friday.

So...I'm running low on blogging ideas.  I thought, for a change of pace, we could do a Q&A.  I know not that many people read my silly little blog, but if there's anything you ever wanted to ask me, go ahead and ask.  Don't be shy.  I'm pretty much an open book, so nothing is off limits.

:)  This will be fun.

Campbell just keeps on winning.

Well, I got my bill for the fall on Saturday.  It came about the same time as last summer, and it was reasonably ahead of our August 5th due date.  All right then.

Then, I opened it. 

My dear private school showed that I owed $14,398.92.  And yes, that is an expected number from them.

BUT they forgot one minor detail.

My Presidential Scholarship.  Ya know, the money I earn with my kick ass GPA that is well above the minimum requirement.

Nowhere to be seen.  And of course the thing came on a weekend so I couldn't call and get it straightened out.

I called them this weekend anyway and left a message.  They finally called me back to explained that yes, it was infact an error on their part and if I log in to my account, the correct amount due will be posted. 

THANK HEAVENS.  Because if I had lost my scholarship, my whole family was going to flip out.  And so would I.

And Campbell?  You just keep on living up to that five-star status you've got there. 

No energy.

On top of the pain I was already in,

"that time of the month" showed up today.

At least taking those hormones wasn't for nothing.

And perfect timing considering my next gyno appointment is tomorrow.

Cramps suck.

Good night.

Suck it up.

I've always hated that phrase.  I really have.  It's so cold and uncaring, and when you say it to someone (or someone says it to you), it feels like the person who it is said to doesn't matter to the other person.  And I don't know if you've figured it out yet, but I'm a very emotional, caring person. ;)

Because I hate that phrase so much, I try to avoid saying it to anyone, even myself.  But right now, it's what I've got to do.

I took last week off from exercising because how much pain I've been in.  It's been painful just to walk, there was no way I could be comfortable riding a bike.  I still kept up with trying to be healthy, though, so I knew the weigh-in results wouldn't be great, but I didn't think they'd be horrible.

That was before I factored in the hormone drug that my doctor put me on.  One of the top side effects is weight gain.

I gained seven pounds.  That's almost everything I had lost in the two weeks before.  I was so frustrated (and hormonal, go figure) that I started crying. 

I can't have another week like that.  I know the Provera had a lot to do with it, as well as the fact that Mom's broke and can't go buy really healthy food until she gets paid on the 29th, but I have to do things that I can control.

Hence the "suck it up."  I've got to suck up the magnified pain in my neck/shoulder/upper back that comes when I ride the bike and just ride anyway.  I've wasted too much time. 

I've done 45 minutes today.  I've got 15 to go...

Close is only good in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Ah.  The Women's World Cup final.

The US went into the game ranked the number one team in the world, as well as having the number one goalkeeper in the world, and the reminders of the '99 World Cup surrounding them (the last time the US was in the final).

Japan went into the game with a very talented team and the hopes of an entire country weighing on their shoulders.

But no pressure!  Ha.

The two teams were so well-prepared, that the first 68 minutes of the game were scoreless.  Then Alex Morgan, the youngest player on the US team, scored.

And then Japan scored in the 81st minute.

So we went to overtime.

We scored in the 104th minute.

And Japan scored in the 117th minute.

Twice they managed to come from behind and tie things up with two shots we should've caught.

Penalty kicks, it was.  And we BOMBED.  In fact, I've never seen PKs go that poorly for any team.  We missed the first 3 of our 5.  It was hideous.  We were so close, and playing so well, but it was stolen from us.

But truthfully, if we had to lose, I'm glad it was to Japan.  I think they and their country really needed something positive to focus on considering the disaster over there.

It's 9:21, and I'm exhausted.  Something is wrong with this picture, especially when you take the hour I got up.  Oh well.

She's off the naughty list!

Of course, she never should've been on it in the first place, but don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Things are quite possibly finally starting to look up for Mom at work!

a) She got her own classroom again, after years of being the only English teacher who had to float.  It was ridiculously unfair that teachers who came to the school after my mom started working there got their own classrooms and my mom still had to float.  One of their many backhanded "punishments".

b) They gave her two Honors classes, one each semester!!!  Finally after serving four years at that school and coming up with the best Freshman EOC scores in the department the past two years, they're giving one of the best teachers I've ever seen the smart kids!  The best part about this was that she never would've guessed it was coming.  I was reading her the teaching assignments off of her email to her as she was giving Blake a bath and she screamed when I told her they gave her Honors.  They're no longer just sticking her with the "bad kids", the gang members, the kids who constantly get suspended, and whatnot.  I am so, so, so freaking excited for her! :)

This is such a huge boost for my mom. We're not sure if this means that the dynamic between her and the administration will change, but at least this will maybe help her not be so dang miserable all the time.

Thank you God for answering my prayers!!!

I'm thinking online forms weren't the smartest idea.

Last spring, Campbell gave out housing forms for 2010-2011 at the beginning-of-the-semester dorm meeting.  It was a booklet that had all the information for campus housing options plus a schedule of when to go sign up for an appointment with Residence Life and the groups of dates when specific groups of people could have their appointment in late March and April.  It was a good process.  They managed to get housing assignments out just a few weeks after summer started.

This year, they decided to go electronic because we all know how important being green is and all that jazz.  First off, we knew something was off because they didn't even bother to tell us their new plan till late March.  They said once we went through advisement, there would be a link on Campbell's website that would lead us to fill out the new housing form.  Okay, cool, whatever.  It seemed like a fine idea.

Until it was mid-June and we still hadn't gotten our housing assignments.

Some friends of mine informed me that apparently, the housing forms were messed up and it forced the residence life people to have to go into each person's account individually to make the assignment, so it was taking way longer than expected.   About a week later, we got an email with the assignments!  Hooray!

Until the next week when we received an email from the Business Office that said, "Sorry! We sent these emails out before Residence Life wanted us to.  They aren't done deciding yet!"

Seriously.

Today, we got the real email.  Finally.  And the good news is, they gave me my same room for next year.

How much you wanna bet they go back to the old format next year?

My mom is awesome.

Today she's gotten up at 7 am, done all the laundry, taken Blake to daycare and picked him up (a 40-45 minute drive each way), cleaned most of the house, organized Blake's clothes, fed and bathed Blake (Chelsea was at pre-marital counseling and then work), and made chicken and pastry (and that pastry is from scratch, mind you!) and curry chicken salad.  And her insomnia was in full force last night.

Meanwhile, she let me stay in bed all day because of the pain I'm in without asking me to do anything.

She. is. awesome.

I'm also quite grateful for the fact that she still had painkillers from all her sinus issues so that I could actually get some rest.  That was the only reason I've been able to sleep.

And now she's about to leave to go pick Chelsea up from work.  The woman is a beast!

I didn't know this could happen in the summer.

The pleurisy pain, y'all.  It's back.  Hardcore.  And what I mean by I didn't know it could happen during the summer is that the two other times I've had it, it was winter and really, really cold and doctors told me it was a reaction to the cold because 30 degrees hurts my lungs badly.  So now that it's back in the middle of July, I'm confused.  But honestly, I'm also laughing about it because when has my body ever operated as people expected it to? ;)

It's whatever, really.  It's annoying, but I deal with it.  I force myself to move around even though it hurts, so it's not like it's a hindrance.  My mom, however, did say that I'm walking like a 90-year-old woman because the pain keeps the muscles in my side from working like normal so I kinda hunch over.  Just bring me a cane and call me Grandma, y'all. :p

Oooo, and also major good news in the soccer world: USA is in the Women's World Cup finals!  We beat France 3-1, which frankly was a miracle considering for 2/3 of the second half (and it was 1-1 at halftime) our girls acted so passive, like they had no idea what they were doing, and France completely outplayed us.  I guess the Soccer Gods were on our side. :D 

After our game, Mom and I watched the Japan vs Sweden game.  I absolutely had to root for Japan because Sweden was the only team that beat us in the group stage, and that kept us from winning our group, so I totally wanted to keep them out of the finals.  Mom, on the other hand, was rooting for Sweden for the exact same reason, because she wanted us to have the chance to get payback. Thankfully, Japan brought some amazing skills to the table, despite being the underdog and having the shortest average team height in the tournament  at 5'4" (while Sweden had the highest at 5'8").  They ended up beating Sweden 3-1.  Japan better BRING. IT. on Sunday. Hahaha.  (France and Sweden play Saturday to determine third place.)

Now, if you excuse, I think I got about 4 hours of sleep (maybe 5) last night because I was hurting so badly (thank you Mom for holding on to your painkillers).  And I actually had to wake up today for the games.  With that said, hasta luego, my friends.

P.S. Just in case you were curious, don't ever let a sumo wrestler sit on your collar bone. It hurts. :p

Babysitting = Awesome Birth Control

I really didn't need to solidify the idea that I will not be ready for kids anytime soon, but hey, whatever.

So Chelsea had to go to work today.  She works at McDonald's now.  Mom had to drive her since she still hasnt gotten her license back.  She wasn't actually starting to work, but I guess they had to do a whole crapload of introduction stuff and give her her uniforms and all that.  They left about 4:00 and Blake had just finally fallen asleep, so they asked me to keep an eye on him and told me that he had mac and cheese in the fridge for dinner.  Simple enough.  I've done it before.  They said they'd be back in a couple hours.

Blake hadn't wanted to take a nap today, so that's why he fell asleep so late.  I didn't have to do a thing for the first two hours.  Mom called at 6:00 and informed me that they were keeping Chelsea there till 8:00, and she didn't want to drive all the way home and back because it was like a 35 minute drive to this place they'd sent her to.  Well, I wasn't expecting to have to actually babysit, but it couldn't be helped.  I got a little nervous, though, because I've only done this once before. 

Blake then woke up at 6:15.  I changed him.  I realized his clothes were wet, so I called Mom to ask where clothes were, thinking she'd know since she takes care of him so much.  She didn't.  A few minutes later, I found some, thank heavens.  Then, I got him his mac and cheese and juice.  He usually eats better meals, but I kinda didn't know what to do, so I just did what Mom and Chelsea had told me.  He only ate about 6 bites before he started throwing it on the floor, which is his way of saying he's done.  I thought it was weird he didn't want to eat, but I'm not going to forcefeed him.

This is where things got fun (please note intended sarcasm).  It was about 6:35, and I set him in his giant playpen in the living room. The kid proceeded to scream like I'd never heard before for the next hour and ten minutes.  I tried everything.  His diaper was clean.  He didn't want to eat.  He had juice.  He had just woken up, so I knew he wasn't tired.  I tried playing with him, and he shoved my hands away from every toy I touched.  About 7:45 I called Mom flustered, and she said three words, "Turn on cartoons."

Why did I not think of that?!?!  Cartoons are like magic to this kid.  The second I turned on Cartoon Network and he saw Scooby Doo (which I haven't seen in 11 or 12 years, by the way), he sat mesmerized.  Mom had told me about this happening before, but it just didn't occur to me.  He was practically mute the whole time cartoons were on (though he did do this weird thing where he stood up, took out his paci, screeched, walked backwards a few feet, sat down, and put his paci back in like nothing had happened), so I actually got to sit down for the next 30 minutes, which was nice since I've had a stabbing pain in my right ribs all day, and then Mom and Chelsea got home earlier than expected about 8:15.

He was only awake for two hours, but between him nearly jumping off the changing table as I changed his diaper and clothes and the whole mysterious screaming for over an hour, I was exhausted.  I am so not ready for this yet!

Of course, I'll probably feel the exact same way when it's my own kids, but that's beside the point. :)

I've never been so excited about a bathroom in my life.

So.  I had my ultrasound today.  They told me it was at 8:00, and that meant Mom and I had to leave at 7:00 to get Blake to daycare on time.  THAT meant I had to wake up at 5:45.  I'm a night owl, and totally not a morning person, so you can just imagine how much fun that was.

We didn't get there till about 8:15 because Mom purposely oversleeps and makes it so we're never on time for anything, and then I looked at the wrong sheet for the address, so it took us a few minutes to find the building on the road.

The imaging center was on hospital grounds, so Mom dropped me off so she could go smoke.  I walked in and went up to the receptionist.  I told her my name and gave her the order form for the ultrasound, and as I was signing the paperwork, she looked up at me and said, "So you drank your water, right?" 
I looked at her confused and said, "What?"  "The water.  You were supposed to drink 40 ounces of water." "Uh, no one told me that." "Didn't you get the letter in the mail with the instructions with this order?" "Uh no.  I got that order at my appointment this past Wednesday." "Well, we can't do the ultrasound unless your bladder is full...You have to come back.  Our schedule is booked all week, too." "Well, my doctor needs this ultrasound report before my appointment next Wednesday."

Long story short, they miraculously had a cancellation for 10:00.  I went outside to call Mom and it took callnig her seven times to get her to answer, and we went to Walgreens and bought me two giant bottles of water.  By this point, it was only about 8:30, so we then proceeded to wander around Home Depot for an hour and looked at paint chips because apparently Mom wants to paint a bunch of rooms in the house (as if she doesn't have enough going on).  I drank all the water as we walked.  By the time I finished the 40 ounces, I really had to go to the bathroom.....or so I thought.

We went back to the imaging center about 9:35 because we had nothing better to do.  I sat there for about ten minutes before they called me back.  The tech squirted the gel (which thankfully was actually warm! it's usually cold) on my lower abdomen and immediately said, "Uh, I can't see anything.  Your bladder isn't full."  So I then had to drink 48 more ounces of water.  By the time I finished that, I felt like if I drank any more, I'd throw up.  And then it took them like 15 more minutes to call me back again.  My bladder was so full it actually hurt.  I was sitting there on a couch rocking back and forth like a crazy person.  Thankfully, when she did come get me again, laying down on the table eased some of the pain, and it was over before I knew it.

But seriously, y'all.  I drank 88 ounces of water in less than 90 minutes.  I told Mom, "I don't think I've ever been this hydrated outside of a hospital (because then I'm usually constantly being pumped full of fluids) in my life."  It's also very smart that they have a bathroom connected to the ultrasound room because by the time it was over, I don't know if I could've made it all the way to the lobby bathroom.

The cutest thing about this place?  They gave me a chocolate mint (YUM. My favorite!) stapled to a piece of paper that said, "It's been a pleasure serving you!"  In the car, I joked, "Yeah, well I'm glad someone had pleasure torturing me!"

I think it's a requirement of Hollywood.

That is, to name your baby something completely bizarre.

This has come to mind because today, David and Victoria Beckham named their daughter Harper Seven.  Harper is pretty, Seven is just weird.

Apparently, this is a longstanding tradition.  In chronological order, here are just some of the ones that I could find.

• Frank Zappa has four kids named Moon Unit (girl 1967), Dweezil (boy 1969, his birth name was different only because the hospital refused to register "Dweezil", it became his legal name at age 5, it was the nickname Frank had for his wife's oddly-curled pinky toe), Ahmet Emuukha Rodan (boy 1974), and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen (1979).
• David Bowie named his son Zowie. Yes, Zowie Bowie (1971). He later changed his name.
• Bob Geldof, the man who started the Live Aid concerts, has a trio of just fascinating daughter names: Fifi Trixibelle (1983), Peaches Honeyblossom (1989), and Little Pixie (1990).
• Simon Le Bon of Duran Duran had a daughter named Saffron Sahara (1991).
• Bob Geldof's wife later had a daughter with another man named Heavenly Hiraaini Tiger Lily (1996). She went by Tiger.
• Jamie Oliver and his wife Jules' kids: Poppy Honey Rosie (2002), Daisy Boo Pamela (2003), Petal Blossom Rainbow (2009), and Buddy Bear Maurice (2010).
• Jason Lee's son is Pilot Inspektor (yes, the spelling is correct, 2003).
• Shannyn Sossamon named her son Audio Science (2003).
• Penn Jillette's daughter is named Moxie Crimefighter (2005).
• Victoria's fellow Spice Girl has a daughter named Bluebell Madonna (2006).
• Ingo Rademacher has a son named Peanut Kai (2008).
• In January some girl from Top Chef named her daughter Zuzu.
• A few weeks ago, Alicia Silverstone named her son Bear Blu.

Seriously, what is the point?  Do these people not realize that a name is forever and these kids are eventually going to have to get jobs and write their names on things like applications?  Imagine getting a job application from someone who says their name is Audio Science - you'd bust out laughing, wouldn't you?

It's now gotten to the point that my friend, who loves baby names as much as I do, make constant jokes when we hear celeb pregnancies about who will come out with the newest crazy name.

Anyway, it's pretty funny, isn't it?  I thought I'd post it to maybe make you laugh, too. :)  Happy Sunday, all.

I love the game, just not the heart attacks.

Also titled: I thought the men's game against Algeria last year was stressful!!

Holy. CRAP.

Y'all, it's no secret that soccer is to my family what American football is to most families in this country.  We're in the middle of the 2011 FIFA Women's World Cup.  Today, the US played Brazil.  Brazil has a player who has won the FIFA Women's World Player of the Year five times in a row.  Needless to say, we knew we were in for quite a battle.  And not only was the Brazilian team lightning fast, we had a referee who was blatantly and ridiculously biased in her calls.  Here's how the game played out:

(For those who may not know, just in case, each half is 45 minutes technically, but the clock is not stopped at all, and any time wasted is added to the clock at the end of the half. If the score is tied at the end of the regulation 90 minutes (plus whatever ref-added extra time), there are two 15-minute overtime periods. If it is still tied after that, it goes to penalty kicks.)

• 74 seconds into the game, Brazil scores on themselves (player Daiane).  The rest of the first half is scoreless. 
• We enter halftime 1-0 and a statistic of 95% win when we're leading at halftime.
• Of Brazil's 7 goals in this Cup before this game, 5 of them were scored in the first 15 minutes of the second half, but we hold them off.
• At about 65 minutes, one of our players gets red-carded and thrown out of the game, on a call that every single person moderating the game agreed was a bad call.  US plays the entire rest of the game a man down, because when a player gets red-carded, you're not allowed to substitute in another player.
• A minute later, the ref calls another totally fake foul, and Brazil is given a penalty kick.  Our goalie, Hope Solo (what a fitting name for a goalie, eh?), catches the ball, but the ref yellow-cards her for supposedly moving off the goalie line before the Brazilian player kicks (which, again, was a crap call, noted in review by the moderators), so they get a second shot.  They send up the 5-time World Player of the Year, Marta.  Hope misses that one.  The score is 1-1.
• The rest of the second half is scoreless, so we enter overtime.
• Two minutes into overtime, Marta scores again.  2-1 Brazil.
• Throughout the overtime, Brazil becomes absurdly dramatic, throwing themselves on the ground, acting injured when they aren't.  One player goes so far as to get the medics to carry her off the field on a stretcher, turns the corner of the field, and gets off the stretcher and runs back on the field.
• We reach the 120-minute mark still down 2-1, but because of Brazil's stupid time-wasting, the ref finally does something fair to the US team and adds three minutes of extra time to the clock. (Meanwhile, I have my head in my hands and am repeating "We're screwed." Oh, I of little faith...)
• In the 122nd minute, Megan Rapinoe sets up the shot, and Abby Wambach makes a header into the goal.  Less than 90 seconds from being eliminated from the World Cup, we tie up the game.
• Penalty kicks:
  1. US Shannon Boxx - good. Brazil Cristiane- good.
  2. US Carli Lloyd - good. Brazil Marta - good.
  3. US Abby Wambach - good. Brazil Daiane - bad.

  4. US Megan Rapinoe - good. Brazil Francielle - good.
  5. Last shot....we make it, and we win.  Ali Krieger kicks off the side of her foot and swoosh, IT'S IN!

Next game: Wednesday 11:30 am EST vs. France.  Now, if we hadn't won, I would've had no problem cheering for France, but we did.  France, you better bring it. It's ON. :D

Part Two

“Courage is not the absence of fear but the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all. For now you are traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be.” - from The Princess Diaries

This is the end of a chapter for me. 

There will be no more feeling sorry for myself about people who treat me poorly.  There will be no more being angry that I have a never-ending list of medical issues.  There will be no more worrying about the state of my family, because I've come to the point where I've realized I can't do anything about what my mom or Chelsea may think or do, and all I get at the end of it is feeling sick. 

This Type A fighter personality is finally letting go of all the control that I've been trying to hold onto when I feel my world crumbling around me.  A dear, dear friend of mine sent me an email that gave me clarity about why this is really happening. 

"As for the medical issues, they're being used in a spiritual attack against you -- the enemy knows that this is a part of how you see yourself, of your identity, he knows that as long as he keeps you distracted by your health issues, you will be his captive, living the life of a victim rather than trusting fully in Christ's control over your body and your life.  The enemy knows that you have always received attention for your medical issues and that you crave attention, so as long as he can keep you distracted by health issues, he's able to keep you distracted from the only one who can make you feel paid attention to, heard, and whole....  he's using that against you.  Kick him right where his sun will never shine, love -- embrace life with gratitude, do not put any emphasis on your medical issues or put any weight on them, do not give in to fear, worry and anger, avoid anything that brings attention to it from your mom, blog readers, friends, family, anyone, and he will lose ground.  Medical issues will still happen, life keeps happening...  he just won't be able to use them against you."

Satan is going full force in his attack to try and knock me down and keep me there.  I'm done giving him the attention he wants.  I'm done giving him what he's looking for.  When I am sad, he wins.  When I am angry, he wins.  When I am stressed, he wins.  I don't know if you've figured this out yet, but I really don't like losing. ;)

I am not my sicknesses.  I am not my depression.  I am not my anger.  What I am is a girl who loves deeply every single person she interacts with.  I am a girl who is finally realizing she can not be defined as anything but a daughter of the King who reigns over all.  I can no longer be defined by my life story because my story can make me appear to be a victim, and I'm the opposite.  I am a survivor, and the only reason I am a survivor is because I have the strength of the One who knows my every thought, action, and intent, the One who can defeat any enemy all by Himself, backing me up.

I've been selfish.  My life is not supposed to be about me.  It was never about me.  It is about how God can use me and my life, all that it entails, to show others how great He really is, what he can fix.  I am nothing but a vessel.  A vessel who, without Him, is nothing but a pile of ashes, but through Him, will be made beautiful and perfect and whole.  A vessel for His perfect love, the story of what He wants for each and every one of his children - to shine His light, to love Him, to be in this world and not of it, and to chase Him with reckless abandon.

Those are my goals for the rest of however many days God has deemed I have to live on this earth.

Here's the real, unedited truth.

I feel like no one hears me. 

That's why I cling to Matt.  Because I'm desperate to feel like someone hears me, to feel like I matter to someone in this world.  And lately he's been the only one who's given me even a bit of that feeling.

I just want someone to tell show me that I really matter to them.  I talk a big talk about how I'm totally happy without a boyfriend, and part of me is.  But part of me sees all the girls I know around my age who have boyfriends and get treated like queens and just wants to be loved like them.

Deep down, I'm still the little girl who grew up without a dad and is still reeling from the "daddy issues".  I've never had a man, not even uncles or grandfathers, around to show me how I really deserve to be treated or to protect me from guys who only paid attention to me so they could abuse me.  I fall too hard too quickly for all the wrong people because I just want to be loved.  I know, I know, every girl wants that.  But as hard as it is for the average teenage girl growing up and getting used to relationships, I am so much more unprepared for this because of losing my dad.  Add into that my self-esteem issues and the fact that my entire life I've been a target for bullies, and I feel so terribly unheard by everyone. 

I know my mom loves me, I've never doubted that.  But for some time now, it has felt like I'm only allowed to really need her if it's a medical issue.  Like she just can't deal with me any other time because she's so stressed out.  And I get that, but I'm still growing up and sometimes I just need my mom.  I get so frustrated not being able to show my emotions because I have to be the one who is "okay" all the time. 

I hope and think things will be different when I get back to school because I do have people there now who will be there for me, but right now, I feel like I'm being suffocated.  I thought Matt was here for me, to listen to me about all of this, but he is a guy.  Something is changing between us, and it's been made abundantly clear that I can't rely on that/him anymore.  All I can rely on is God and myself, my heart, my soul, my knowledge of who I really am and what really matters.

Bout darn time.

Chelsea got a job at McDonald's.

Now I won't have to spend 24/7 with her.  We both need and want a break from each other if we're going to last the next 38 days without killing each other.

Today, I don't know if it's this new hormone I'm on or what, but I feel mentally beat down.  Like if my emotions were tangible, an 18-wheeler just ran over them.  I've already been trying to fight off my depression habits, and with things with Matt changing, and family drama still rampant, and now the idea of a new medical problem and school seeming so far away.

It just feels like a Taylor Swift kind of night.  Thank God Mom and Chelsea are already asleep so I can just plug in my headphones and not be bothered.

It's like some twisted rite of passage or something.

Disclaimer: If you happen to be a man and you're reading this post, turn back now.  If you're a woman who doesn't like to read/talk about feminine issues, turn back now.  This post is all about my first visit to the DUN DUN DUN.........gynecologist.

When I think about today, here's what comes to mind:
"Ow."
"Finally, I can get these horrible periods checked out."
"Ow."
"Most awkward doctor visit of my LIFE."
"Ow."
"Please God, please don't let it be PCOS."
Did I mention "OW."??

The doctor couldn't even use the speculum my mom and sister told me horror stories about because I'm a virgin, but she tried, and oh boy, did it hurt.  She asked me all sorts of questions and based on what I told her and the exam she did with her hands, she said the chances of me having PCOS are high.  Super.  Guess that "how long can Mal go without a medical problem" streak is over.  She put me on some hormone drug called Provera to try and get my periods to be regular.

I also have something called "bacterial vaginosis" which is pretty much exactly what the name says.  That's how awesome I am - I get infections and don't even know it! ;)  So I get to take antibiotics for that.

Anyway, I have to go get an ultrasound done to look at my ovaries and see if the see any signs of PCOS.  I have to wait for them to call me, so I don't know when it is yet.  Then I go back to the doctor on the 20th to go over the ultrasound and the tests they're running on the bacteria.

I'll admit, I'm really nervous about the whole PCOS thing.  I've read a lot of blogs of women who have it, and it sounds horrible.  Out of my mom's three daughters, I've always been the one who wanted kids the most, and that scares me that I might face fertility issues before I'm even ready to have kids.  However, it would definitely explain all of the issues I've had all these years, and that's truly what I want - some answers.  Prayers would be appreciated. 

I'll keep you posted.

Somehow I always manage to screw myself over.

It's been a hellacious 24 hours.

And no, for once this has nothing to do with my family.

Matt and I...well, let's just say I nearly totally blew up my relationship with him.  Things are fine now, as far as he says, but it still scared the hell out of me.

I don't think he understands just how important he is to me.  I mean, I tell him all about how things are with my family, but basically what happened is I got too clingy for his liking and he got fed up with me.  Which, I realized, in retrospect, and tried to damage control when I realized he was already irritated.  I then proceeded to completely freak out at 2:30 am and cry myself to sleep for two hours only to wake up to a text that said "Who said I was mad? Nobody. You assumed I was."  So he swore he wasn't mad and that I was working myself up over something that wasn't there.

I just don't think he gets it.  I don't think he gets how alone I feel, how I cling to him because lately he's been the only person that remotely seems to give a damn about me.  When I told him that, he said "I doubt it", but that's how I feel, and I'm not going to apologize for that!  I wonder if he's forgotten how different things will be when I can get back to school.  I'm not so needy and intense when I'm there because I'm away from these people.

Losing him is #2 on my list of Worst Nightmares (behind losing Mom), and last night I honest to God felt like it was coming true because for someone who later told me he wasn't mad or annoyed, he certainly was acting like it.  Having anyone be mad at me makes me sick, but he's different.  I don't have to explain why he's different.

I have to calm the hell down.  I have to, or next time I may not be able to fix things.  This is the one time in all the times people have had this kind of conversation with me and told me I screwed up that I actually know in my gut they're right.  I did screw up. 

I think the reason I'm so intense with him isn't because I'm in love with him.  It's because I'm still so terrified of getting hurt.  The logical part of me knows he'd never intentionally hurt me, we've been over that a thousand times, but part of me is still that scared little girl who's been stabbed in the back one too many times.  And just like your textbook case, when I get terrified, I try to get out of it myself before I can get hurt.  Except the difference is I know I really don't want out of this!

Sometimes I wish I could just shut off my emotions and deal with things like he does.  Of course, then, I probably wouldn't be a girl, but you know what I mean.

I just need to get over this.  He says "everything is good" so why am I still all nauseous about it?  I'll just leave him alone for a couple days because he warned me that he's busy, and then pretend like all is back to normal.  I mean, that's all I can do.

Right?

Jenna's Commenting Challenge

So this week I'm participating in a commenting challenge hosted by a blog/Twitter friend of mine, Jenna over at Jenna's Journey.  The mission is to comment on 10 new blogs a day for 7 days, in the hopes that you will get some new readers and find some new blogs to add to your list.

Since I have a bunch of new people stopping by, I thought I'd introduce myself. :)

My name's Mallory, but as the blog address (and my signature) says, you can call me Mal.  I'm a 19-year-old college student.  I'm an International Government at Campbell University in Buies Creek, NC.  My family lives on the coast in a tiny town near Camp Lejeune. 

I've been through a lot in my short life, from losing my dad two days after my seventh birthday to having 19 surgeries, 15 of which were in the span of 5 years.  However, I fully believe that everything happens for a reason and God has shown me that in bits and pieces.  I hope that throughout my life I will be able to help others because of what I've dealt with.  

I love music.  I know how to play several instruments, and in my spare time, the chances are high that you'll find me listening to music and singing. 

I'm rather shy around groups of people that I don't know, but I really do love to talk to people.  I am very compassionate and empathetic, and I will go out of my way to help people.

I'll leave it there.  I don't want to bore you. :) 

Sunday Weigh-In

3 pounds and 2.25 inches lost

Total: 8 pounds and 3.75 inches lost

Not too shabby.  Weirdly enough, I had been thinking all weekend that I would lost 3 pounds.  Ha, like a weird kind of jinxing myself.

Trying not to let knowing my mom's details bug me.  I'm so competitive that I get a little frustrated that I've exercised 10 hours in the past two weeks, Mom hasn't exercised at all, and she's lost almost as much weight and wayyyy more inches than me.  But that's just my own personal issues.  It's not her fault.

Watched Life As We Know It with Mom tonight.  One of the funniest, sweetest movies I've seen in quite some time.  Also the first time that Katherine Heigl hasn't majorly bugged me.  Plus, Josh Duhamel is always nice to look at.  If you haven't seen it, and you like romantic comedies, you should definitely check it out.

Frustrated

There is nothing to update.

I'm just frustrated with life here.

I need to find that peace again.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Give a guy some roses...

and you'll make him the happiest man in the world.

Confused?  Yeah, I figured.  Okay, here's the story:

A few weeks ago, when my cousin Brianna had her ODP soccer tournament, a boy she goes to school with who is also a ODP player gave her a dozen roses to wish her good luck.  (Somebody's got a crush!)  That night at the hotel, apparently my cousin Dusty said, "Boy, if somebody gave me a dozen roses, I'd be the happiest man in the world!"  Well, my mom came home and decided that since Dusty's birthday was yesterday, he was getting roses.  I mean, hey, if we have the power to make a member of our family the happiest man in the world and don't take advantage of it, what kind of family would we be?  Due to a disaster Chelsea caused, Mom was running low on cash, so I happily provided the money to buy the roses.  I'm pretty sure when he said that, Dusty didn't mean getting roses from his family, but you just can't pass up an opprtunity like that!

He said it was the first real birthday surprise he's gotten in years.  I'm here to please. :)  (Don't worry, we gave him a real gift, too.)

So yeah.  We all (even Shane) went over and had burgers and hotdogs with Mommom, Uncle Kirk, Aunt Donna, Dusty and Bri.  Plus, Aunt Donna's brothers PJ and Stephen, their wives, Leslie and Jen, PJ & Leslie's daughters, Caitlynn, Brooklynn, and Lilianna, Stephen and Jen's son Nathan, her parents, Phil and Diane, and Phil's mom (whose real name I don't know) all came, too. Needless to say, it was a crowded house!  It was fun, though.  I haven't seen all of them since Dusty's graduation party in 2008.  Lilianna is almost 23 months and I've never met her.  Stephen and Jen just recently got married and Nathan isn't his biological son, so I've never met either of them, either.  It was a loud party, but loads of fun with all the kids and getting to catch up with people. 

Yawn. It's late.  I shaved and have clean sheets, so I'm gonna sleep real good tonight!

Oh, and just because I haven't posted a new picture of him since his birthday, here's a cute picture of Blake I took today. :)  And yes, that's a Campbell shirt he has on.  Class of 2032!