The anticipation is building.

Anticipation for getting back to school on Sunday and finally seeing some friends, the friends that are more like family to me at this point.

Anticipation for simply finally getting the heck out of this house.

Anticipation for the start of new classes, a full load, lots of work to fill my time.

Anticipation for all the plans Louis and I have for the College Democrats this fall, all of the events we're planning, the CDA convention, Obama's acceptance speech, the election, surprising the heck out of the Republicans, all of it.

Anticipation for all of the plans I have outside of school and the CDs.

Anticipation for getting back to the place that is my home.

Tomorrow is a full day of shopping to stock up on food and various other supplies.  Saturday is laundry, enjoying my last day of vacation, and packing.  Then, Sunday, we're off.  And honestly, I cannot wait.



Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

May be surrounded by
A million people, I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
"I'm fine, baby. How are you?"
Well, I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I'm lucky, I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I've got to go home

Let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day
Has come and gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I'm surrounded by
A million people I 
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I've had my run
Baby, I'm done
I gotta go home

Let me go home
It will all be all right
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home 

Two Quotes

I was in the mood for a little inspiration today.  Inspiration to fight for my dreams, stay true to myself, never give up on what I know is right, and remember what I'm worth.

I pray that one of these will touch someone out there today.

Here's to the crazy ones.

Stronger

Well, as a random aside, that whole gum tissue removal thing didn't hurt nearly as bad as I expected it to, and the pain totally went away by dinnertime tonight.  So yeah, I'm happy.  Dr. Rankin said my gums are going to look pretty red for a few days, but I'm already pleased with how much better my smile looks with that extra tissue removed.  Maybe I'll post some pictures after the redness goes away.  The fun part was the numbing stuff they put on my gums beforehand; it made all of the teeth in the front of my mouth and my lips go numb, too.  It felt cool, but it was aggravating that I couldn't stop drooling or talk normally for a few hours.  And I FINALLY got my permanent retainer in, so I don't have to wear any other retainers anymore. Yay for that.

I took a four hour nap this afternoon when I got home, which felt awesome.  After that, I basically did absolutely nothing of importance.

I titled this post "Stronger," though, because a totally sweet girlfriend of mine emailed me a link to a song today.  She said she heard it on the radio, and despite not even liking country music, she had to listen to it all the way through because it made her think of me.  These are the friends I need to focus on.  I am so loved, not just by God, but also by so many kind, loving, wonderful people that He has put in my life in the craziest ways.  No selfish boys can take that away from me.

So to the one boy in particular, the one who broke my heart, this one's for you.  I'm done.  This is the last time I'll be talking about you on this blog because the way you treated me doesn't deserve another second of my time.



And I'm done hopin' that we could work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinnin' my wheels,
lettin' you drag my heart around.
And ohhh, and I'm done thinkin' that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

I'm moving on to the people who respect my heart.  You don't get that kind of power over me, not anymore.   You may not see it, but I'm worth more than that.

Guess what! I'm blind!

Okay, well, not really, but I'm pretty darn close.

I had to go to the eye doctor today, which was probably a good idea since I haven't been in 3 years.  I have to get new lenses for my glasses, including some special thing called prism that helps my right eye from turning in as badly as it does.  My left eye is a LOT stronger than my right eye, so it makes getting a correct prescription a little bit more complicated.  So maybe I'll be able to see the board in my classes more easily once I get these new lenses.

As soon as I get some cash in my bank account over the next few days, I'm going to start working on a new blog design.  I'm not sure what I want exactly yet, and I'm so indecisive that should be interesting getting straight, but I'm excited to get a new look.  And I'm probably going to change the name, too.  We'll see.  :)

Tomorrow, I have to get some of my extra gum tissue taken off with a laser at my orthodontist's office.  This should be interesting.  They put numbing cream on for the procedure, but I'm expecting it to be really bad once that wears off.

Mom and I are sitting here making really sarcastic jokes about this killer on 48 Hours.  I don't know why we find some preppy little rich kid claiming he didn't order the hit on someone he had all the motive in the world to kill so funny, but something about this kid's smirk just makes me and Mom want to smack him.  I know, I know, the death penalty isn't a joke, but we're a bizarre pair who love these shows.

Yawn.  I'm tired.  Between getting my eyes dilated and the constant watering from allergies, my eyes have been burning so bad.  Oh well, one day closer to school! :)

Focus on the good stuff.

I've had another one of those up-and-down days, but I don't really want to think anymore about the bad stuff because it does absolutely no good since I've been thinking about it for weeks.  So instead, I'm going to talk about all of the awesome stuff that's going on for me right now.

1.  I return to Campbell in seven days.  Enough said.

2.  On the 27th, Morgan and I are going to see The Vespers in Raleigh.  A girls night with one of my favorite friends and a chance to see my favorite band/some other dear friends whom I haven't seen since I was in Nashville at the beginning of April?  I couldn't really ask for anything else.

3.  From August 30th to September 2nd, I will almost definitely be in Charlotte with Louis and the Executive Board of the Campbell Democrats for the College Democrats of America Convention.  I say "almost definitely" because we're still waiting on confirmation that the History/Political Science/Criminal Justice department at Campbell is going to provide funding.  I had a possible schedule conflict, but that got cleared up today. Which leads me to number four...

4.  On September 8th and 9th, I get to spend the whole weekend with Paddy!  Originally, I was going to see him the weekend before because I could take him home to see Mom for Labor Day, but she's having a yard sale and doesn't want him to be bored, plus I really wanted to go to the CDA convention, so he got on Skype today and we figured it all out.  He says he's reserved that whole weekend for me because I'm his little sister so I'm special.  (Side note: I find that kind of hilarious because he's not even 10 months older than me and I'm so not little. But it's sweet and so Paddy.)

Also, Holly and Michael are getting in late tonight, and they're not leaving until Tuesday night, which is cool, but it's not got me all giddy like the rest of this stuff. :D

Today's been a very good lesson in self-restraint.  It's taken every ounce of control I have not to call up those 3 people I mentioned Friday and tell them exactly what they did to me.  But I haven't, because I know they wouldn't care if I did.  So I've been trying to repeat this sort of cheesy but really true quote so I don't forget it: "It will all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."  I have way too much going for me right now to give up.

Also, this is true, too.

Oh, look, I talked about the bad stuff again, anyway.  Oh well.  It is what it is.  This blog is my journal, and it gets whatever is on my mind.

Pleurisy pain sucks.

And that just about sums up today.

I had already decided to take the day off from talking to pretty much anyone.  This sort of solidified that plan.

I'm going back to bed.

8 days to Campbell.

All over the place today.

I've covered a lot of emotions today.

From excitement over trying a new hairstylist today who made my hair look even better than it did before,

to fear and worry when I found out my CT results were in 24 hours after the scan, which is next to unheard of,

to relief when the CT almost definitely confirmed that the mass is just a hemangioma, and I won't have to do anything about it for 6 months to a year to check to make sure it hasn't grown,

to sadness when thinking about the 3 guys who have recently proved themselves to be exactly who I was afraid they were,

to absolute heartbreak when thinking about 1 of those guys in particular,

to anger over what he did, how he handled the aftermath, and his lack of remorse,

to butterflies over a boy who doesn't know how special he really is and how he makes me feel,

to a sense of 1000 pounds being lifted off my shoulders when I was able to spend an hour on the phone with a girlfriend who was the perfect mix of support, comfort, reality check, and wisdom,

to gratitude for all of the ways I see that God has blessed me today, that I am relatively healthy, and that I have so many people who truly know my heart and love me and tell me they want me to stay the same girl that I am right now.

It's been a crazy day.  I'm so relieved that I finally got an answer about my liver and that everything looked okay on the scan.  I also have a sense of peace about the decisions I've made to cut certain people out of my life since I realized that they serve no healthy purpose for me anymore, but I'm still a bit heartbroken.  I probably will be for a while.  I've been burned by people before, but not like this.  As much as it kills me to let people go, I have to do what is best for me.  And the best thing for my sanity right now is to completely remove anyone who is harmful.  I'll never be able to heal the damage that's been done if I don't.

So instead, I'm going to focus on the people who lift me up.  The girls who text me just to tell me they love me.  The boys who tell me they're ready to see me.  The people who are there when I need them and never expect anything in return.  I am so blessed.  I have to stay focused on that.

9 days to Campbell.

This song really has nothing to do with what I've written. I just found it today and pretty much fell in love with it.

The Waiting Game

I know I said I was going to tell you the story that I was referring to in this post, but, well, I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days, and I really don't want to get into it.  All that I need to say is that Gabe and Nate are not my friends, and I'm surprisingly okay with that.  I spent two hours on Skype with Louis tonight, and I feel like I'm sure of the decision I had to make.  I came to the realization that the only way for me to NOT end up heartbroken at the end of this is to pick a side. I didn't do it for the good of the club, I did it for my own sanity.  So yeah, that is that.

In other news, I had my CT today.  It went just about like I expected:  I had to drink something really gross last night and this morning, I couldn't eat or drink anything before the test, they injected iodine into an IV and it made me feel like my crotch was on fire (TMI? sorry), and it'll be a few days before I have results.  So now, I wait.  I hate waiting.  I'm praying specifically for peace and patience.

I can't wait for Campbell.  This house is just too much.  I'm thankful I had good conversations with Kyla and Michal to help me deal with today.  Those girls were the perfect mix of wisdom, advice, and distraction.  One thing I'm learning more and more with time is that as great as the guys that I'm friends with are (Matt, Taylor, Bruno, Louis, etc), as a young Christian woman, good and reliable girlfriends play a crucial part in my journey.

I'm exhausted.  I'm getting my hair trimmed tomorrow, and then I really need to organize my room.  It's a disaster.

Good night, world.  It's been a long day.  I need sleep.

Getting some answers. Finally.

(Whew. Caught up.)

I was woken up this morning by a phone call from my doctor's office.  The imaging center run by the local hospital has a spot open for a CT tomorrow at 11:30 so we booked it.  I texted the people who know about this and asked to be kept updated, and then fell back asleep for a few hours.

Mom and I left about 3:45 to drive over to the imaging center to pick up this nasty contrast I have to drink tonight and tomorrow morning before the scan.  I think she felt sorry for me, because then she took me to Sonic and bought me ice cream.  Then we came back home and I tried not to get caught up in my own head.

Tried is the operative word.  I failed.  I'm scared, I'll admit it.  Scared because my doctor ordered a full CT of my entire abdomen and pelvis because she's concerned, scared because I don't want this to interfere with Campbell, scared because I just want answers now and it's going to suck waiting several days for the radiologist to read the scans and report back to my doctor.

I know that God is with me and taking care of me.  My faith in Him has not faltered at all through this.  Instead, it's more just me beating myself up for not taking 100% comfort in His power and guidance and getting stuck on all these human emotions that are keeping me from trusting Him wholeheartedly.

Thankfully, He's good enough that He blessed me with the presence of friends who all helped me in very different ways.

Hunter, a guy I know from school, messaged me out of the blue today, and at first I was suspicious because we haven't talked since before the end of last semester, but he said he just wanted to see how I was.  He started telling me about his plans to propose to his girlfriend (and it still kind of blows my mind to know that I'm old enough to be watching a bunch of my friends get engaged, one of them is getting married on my birthday next year!), and I told him about DC, and then I felt this urging to tell him about this liver thing.  He said he had to get off the computer, but asked me to call him, and we spent more than 20 minutes talking about God and His plan for our lives, and Hunter spoke a lot of truth and wisdom into my heart about who God is and His control over this situation.  It was a total surprise.  We haven't talked much since we met, so I wasn't expecting him to care THAT much.  He ended the conversation by saying, "Mallory, I love you as a sister in Christ, and God loves you, and know that no matter what, you have so many people who will be here for you through whatever this turns out to be."  It was just a real, tangible, heartwarming reminder for me that I am so blessed and loved by the King of the universe.

Later, another friend told me in the middle of a conversation something very humbling.  I've heard things similar to it before, but never from this friend, and it never ceases to bring me to my knees in gratitutde. "Your graceful attitude towards life has really been an inspiration to me."  God's using me, y'all.  I don't think I'll ever get used to realizing that.

Lastly, the majority of my night has consisted of me laughing hysterically with my good friend Courtney who somehow always knows what to say and when to say it.  It was the perfect distraction to get away from my own thoughts tonight.  I love that girl to pieces.

Whatever's going to happen, it's His will, and He's got me in His hands.  I'm doing my best to find more and more security in that with each passing hour.  For now, though, I'm going to bed.  My allergies are already all out of whack.

As a final note, here is a guest post I wrote for another blogger's "I Was Broken" series.  It's the story of how God's redemption made beauty out of the ashes of my life.  You know me, I'm an open book, so feel free to leave any comments or questions you have once you read it.

Homeward bound. Finally.

To be honest, Tuesday came and I was ready to go.

Mom asked me if I was sad to leave, and I said no.  Because I wasn't.  I wasn't sad to leave because I know I'll be back there one day.

It's easy to say goodbye when it's not the end.

I was ready to get back to NC because getting to NC meant I was closer to getting back to Campbell.  And Campbell is my home.  I'm not gonna lie, it was weird to be in NC after being in the big city for almost two months, but that small little campus is my home.  It's where my family is.  And I'm so okay with being back in this house for a week and a half because it's getting me one step closer to there.

We left around noon and got back just before 7:00.  That includes a lunch break, and it was raining some of the time, so it was pretty good timing.  The day started off hilarious because it took Mom, Mommom, and 3 valets to get the rack on top of Mommom's car loaded.  After that, it was pretty peaceful...until we got home.  During the drive, though, we finally got through to my doctor's office who said they'd set up a CT, and we got a call from Holly saying she and Michael are coming to visit this weekend. It took Chelsea all of 30 seconds after we pulled in to start screaming.

I chilled out the rest of the night because I was exhausted and lazy.

NC, it's good to be back.