Look at this, y'all. LOOK!

God is good. God is so, so, so very GOOD.

I am so excited for my friends.  Words can't even describe.

Is this what spiritual attack feels like?

All week long, I've felt like I've been on the verge of tears.

Constantly.

And I have no idea why.

Even when I'm with my friends and I'm laughing, or I'm in class and I'm thinking about the work, I feel like I'm about to start crying.

I have no reason to be sad!  And I really felt like I had a better handle on my stress.  And it's not like I've gotten any bad news, or gotten in any fights with friends, or anything like that.

I tried to ignore it.  I didn't want to talk about it on here because I thought that it would go away, but it didn't.  It just got worse.

And now I'm sitting here watching Private Practice and crying (granted, watching a show about giving a drug addict an intervention probably wasn't the smartest idea being in this state).  I feel like every muscle in my body is in pain.

I want to know what the heck is going on in my world right now.  I want to know why I feel so sickeningly sad when I have no reason to be.  I want to know why I'm suddenly paralyzed with a fear of everyone in my life when this semester was the FIRST time that I ever actually felt secure in my relationships.

God, what is going on?  Please help me.

Comfort zones are like bad relationships.

They hold you back from really amazing things God could have in store for you.  And when you let 'em go, you wonder what took you so long and what you were so scared of in the first place.

Today's CUW (Campbell University Worship) was, as the campus minister called it, a "town hall meeting."  They wanted to know helpful ideas people had about how they could make CUW better (i.e. no saying they should get rid of CUW, because they won't) and what we as students wanted to get out of it.  I personally think that was really cool of them.  Because this is my last semester of CUW, I thought it would be a bit rude and selfish of me to say anything, but I thought it was nice to see people actually participating.  I was kind of amazed at how many people had ideas and suggestions.

Well, it actually inspired an idea in me.  Some people said they wanted more testimonies from fellow students instead of just outside adults.  That was actually my idea, too.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I should volunteer to share my story next semester.  Part of me wants to, and part of me was instantly nervous about the idea.

Then, I thought, that maybe that was part of God's point behind.  He puts us in uncomfortable situations all the time just so we can serve Him better.  And if I can help someone else with things they struggle with, the way other people have helped me with mine, then any nerves I have about the situation won't matter.

So now, I basically just really hope that the email I sent volunteering gets a "yes" response! :)

For someone who is structured and thrives on plans and is NOT spontaneous like me, this is pretty big.

I totally had something I wanted to blog about.

And then I blinked and it became 11:30 and all I can think about is how tired I am because I had a busy day. 

So instead, I'm posting a really, really catchy song.

Maybe I'll get lucky and remember what I wanted to blog about tonight tomorrow.

Enjoy.  And forgive.  Say a prayer for my teacher, Dr. Stanke.  She's horribly sick and is more worried about the effect her missing so many days will have on her students' semester than her own health.  Sounds like I'd be in that situation, but I feel bad for her.

Let it be.

Let it be.

Let it be.

Oh, let it be.

Whisper words of wisdom,

Let it be.

That's what I'm focusing on today.

Just being.

When there are so many people I want to help, and so many problems I want to fix, I have to force myself to take a step back and breathe.

I have to focus on holding on to the peace that has been my goal of this year.

Sometimes the key to calming yourself down is realizing that you can't do everything and you can't be everything that people need.  Sometimes, you have to take care of yourself first.

Today, my workload has not changed from yesterday.  But my perspective has.  Peace has come over me, and my determination is running free.

So tonight, I'm going to bed with the sound of one of my favorite Beatles songs in my head.

I hope you have some peace tonight, as well.

If time is money, then I'm broke.

Today's just one of those days where I feel overwhelmed, that there's not enough time to do all of the things I need to do for all of the classes that I have.

Though, I suppose this is a pretty normal reaction for a college student who is now two and a half weeks away from the end of classes and the start of exams.

Normal, sure, but knowing that doesn't make it any less bothersome.

Of course, this feeling wasn't exactly helped by the fact that I FINALLY started doing work on my massive Scope & Methods project that is due in two weeks and realized finding presidential approval polls separated by state or region about past presidents from a reputable polling company is next to impossible, so I now have had to slightly modify my idea and only focus on Obama, so the depth of everything I have to do to make up for my idiotic procrastination on top of everything I have to do that's on schedule pretty much smacked me in the face today and I almost cried in the middle of the library.  Almost. 

Plus, this same professor apparently thinks the definition of "easy reading" is "70 pages on 18th-century French cat massacres and metaphors".  Don't even ask.  I have no clue whatsoever what the point was.  That was a giant waste of my oh-so-precious time.

I am so out of it.  Mentally, I feel like I've been hit by a truck, so I'm just gonna go to bed and pray that God rejuvenates me tomorrow and helps me to use my time more wisely.

A Typical Saturday

Football. (Boo loss. Boo losing chances of bowl bid.)

Homework. (Yawn.)

Laundry. (Yay clean sheets.)

NCIS marathon in the background.

Headache.

You know the deal.

I've still got to fold all of my laundry, pluck my eyebrows, and read some 44-page story I've never heard of before for English before I can go to bed, so it's gonna be a long night.

My only request is that this headache is gone before I start reading.  Reading with a headache is never fun.  Ever.

Hope you all are having a wonderful weekend!

11.11.11 - Do you believe in luck?

'Cause I'm not so sure I do anymore.

Oh, now, before you get concerned, this is not a bad thing. I'm still on an emotional high from this week.  Really, the fact that this week has been so amazing is sort of why I'm saying this.

So many things have gone right this week, and not once have I thought that I'm "lucky."  I've thought I'm blessed.  If I were lucky, my prayers would be answered as soon as I said them.  And this year, and the past couple weeks specifically, are the culmination of dozens of prayers over the years. 

God chose this time in my life to bless me with people and experiences that have made my whole world brighter.  Luck had nothing to do with it.  Everything amazing that has happened has been something He alone has orchestrated.  Seeing Nick outside of class  twice this week (Wednesday and today) when I've never seen him around campus before?  That's not luck.  That's God telling me that whatever Nick and I have going on right now is something good.  My friends being uber supportive and happy for me?  That's not luck.  That's God showing me that I finally have the people in my life that I've been praying for.  Living in a country protected by selfless men and women every day so that I can live a normal, free life?  That's certainly not luck.

So no, while everyone else makes wishes at 11:11, I'm just going to sit back and praise God for everything I have, everything He's blessed me with, this beautiful country that I live in, everyone I have in my life.

Happy Veterans Day.  In honor of all those who sacrifice for us every day, I'm going to post a video that will make you cry. Trust me, it's gorgeous. Listen to the lyrics of the song.

I wish this feeling would never leave.

Have you ever been so happy that you're giggling uncontrollably?

Yeah, that's me today.

Floating on cloud nine. Telling everyone how thankful I am for them. Laughing in a silent room. Giddy.  There's several reasons why.

For one, the guy who murdered a friend of mine two years ago got convicted of first-degree murder today.  The jury didn't buy his insanity defense, and I knew him and after reading all of the details, all I can say is that justice was served.  Now all of us who loved Virginia can get some peace and closure.

Second, I have officially started my job as the Communications and Publicity Director for the College Democrats.  And I love it.  I've barely done anything thus far, but I love the club, I love what we stand for, and I love the people I work with.  I don't care that it's not a paying job; the enjoyment and release I get from this is plenty of a reward.

Third, Ryann and I had a bit of an emotional chat today, but it was the good kind of emotional.  She told me things that let me know how important I and our friendship are to her.  One of the things I crave in life is knowing that I am needed and appreciated, and I definitely felt that from her.  Thinking of where I am today with a girl who I wasn't even sure knew I existed seven months ago is just beautiful.

And last, things with Nick keep getting cuter and cuter.  And not only that, the support I've gotten from my friends is kind of mindblowing.  Elizabeth has sat through chat after chat of me gushing, keeping me somewhat level-headed when necessary, advising me when I have no idea what something means, and cheering with me when there's nothing left to do but smile.  Ryann made it crystal clear how excited she is, and she wants to meet him.  They've both already warned that they must "scare him straight" before he's in the clear should we actually start dating.  And Matt, God bless him, has managed to go into big-brother-protective mode as much as he possibly can from 185 miles away. 

College has finally turned into everything Matt told me it would be the summer I graduated from high school.  People accept me.  I'm involved in a club that I really enjoy and have a life outside of my schoolwork. I have friends who truly love me and support me.  I'm talking to a sweet guy who likes me for me, doesn't want to change me, and doesn't want to use me (well, except for my Statistics knowledge :D). 

I am happier right now than I think I have ever been.

God has blessed me so, so much.  I can never thank Him enough.

I am grateful.

At first I was annoyed by everything that happened today, that we were on lockdown for what turned out to be nothing.

But the more I thought about it, the more grateful I became.

When I heard the words "gunman on campus" my thoughts immediately went to the Virginia Tech massacre from April 2007.  I don't know why, but they did.  The terror and pain that wracked that campus is unimaginable.  And I was scared we were going to live through it, too.  I texted all of my friends making sure they were safe.  I don't know what I'd do if someone I loved was hurt like that.

But no.  We are safe.  Life returns to normal tomorrow.  And that is just an incredible blessing.

This is my Facebook status that I just posted.  I mean every word of it.

"Tonight, I'm going to bed grateful. Grateful that the incident today was nothing serious and no one was hurt, not even the guy who caused it all. Grateful that my school's administration takes protecting its staff and students so seriously. Grateful that God was watching out for us, because we've all seen how something like this can turn out to be a disaster. We're lucky that today wasn't."

Grateful.