It seems like people take the fact that God has given me this crazy life story and that I am a miracle and equate it with me being Superwoman and so much stronger than them.
People see all these amazing qualities in me, yet I'm sitting here thinking that I'm such a disaster I don't know how they see what they do.
I know there are people that are looking up to me and learning from me, and while I am genuinely so honored that God has given me this platform of sorts, sometimes I get really overwhelmed. I feel this pressure to be someone worthy of being looked up to, not because of anything other people are saying or doing, but because I just so badly want to get this right. I want to take what God has given me and make something good come from it. I want to help people, but I'm not always sure I know what to do to do that.
But I was talking to Clayton about all of this tonight, and he helped me see something I hadn't realized before. People look up to the saints. People want to emulate the saints. Yet the saints still screwed up a good bit. The people who are looking up to me and learning from me aren't expecting me to be perfect. They may have me on a bit of a pedestal, but that doesn't mean they've forgotten I'm human.
Tonight, Ricky told me that he learned just how real God's presence really is when he met me. That boy never ceases to humble me with his words, but these ones in particular were a really good reminder for me. I felt like it was God reminding me that even when I feel like I'm getting everything wrong, He's still using me. Because in the end, it's not really so much about what I can do as it is what I'm willing to let God do through me.
He's the one in control here. He's the one telling the story, I'm just the keys on the keyboard. He's the one painting the picture in my life, I'm just the paintbrush. If there's one thing I know in all of this, it's that God will make something out of my life that is so much more beautiful than I could even imagine.
Thank God for that. I don't have a chance at getting any of this right without Him.
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