One of my friends here in the city told me that it's normal, that it's just part of living here, and I believe him, but that doesn't exactly make me feel better.
Because of that loneliness, I've been reaching out to my old friends, trying to reconnect with that feeling of family, in hopes that it will ease up and I'll stop feeling like I'm being swallowed by ocean waves.
Summer and I have been texting every day in the past couple of weeks (our quickly growing love for One Direction brought us much closer together) which definitely helps.
Austin called me last night despite being practically half asleep his brain was so exhausted because I had texted him so he knew I needed to hear a friendly voice.
Clayton was there on Monday when I started crying to tell me that it was okay to be upset even if I didn't know what brought it on and remind me that I'm never truly alone.
And Tunji, oh dear Tunji. Now, I think a big part of this coming on is that the soccer season has started for this fall, so yet again, I am not back with my boys, and yet again I will not be able to go down for a game, but you can be sure that I will be going in January before I fly back here after Christmas. I've always known Tunji loves me - he is easily one of my biggest protectors and closest brothers out of that squad - but he's never been one to express it in great detail. Well, in the past few days, we've been texting and he's made it clear multiple times that he can't wait to see me again, and how much he really loves and misses me. And everyone who knows me knows I am a words of affirmation girl, so to hear everything he's been saying makes me feel so good. And it's such a sweet reminder that I may be 600 miles away, but those boys still consider me their sister as much as they did when I was still at CU. I seriously cannot wait to go back and tackle him and Reafe and Ricky with big hugs.
I still feel lonely, but I also feel really, really thankful. That I have people like this, and that they love me like they do. One of the things I've been working through in therapy in the past few months is learning how to believe that I deserve the love these guys have given me so freely right from the start. And I'm finally starting to get it (baby steps), and it's at least partially due to the fact that I see how beautiful these friendships still are even when I'm all the way up here in NYC. While distance gave Ryann an easy out in cutting her ties with me, all of these people and relationships have proven that you can still have close friends over great distance. Because I'd be lost without every single one of them.
Writing this post reminds me of how, when I was back there in January, when Tunji saw a friend of his in the Student Center and she asked what was up, he immediately exclaimed, "My sister's in town!" Or how Isaiah told me, "I think we knew you were our sister pretty early on. We just had to let you in on the secret." They called me family before I even knew or realized they did.
So yeah, it sucks that I'm not there in person to hug them and hang out with them and cheer them on at their games, but the love is still as real as it ever was. Someone recently told me that I'm "too attached" to them and that I was "wasting my time" cheering them on when their season isn't going very well so far, and all I could tell them was they are my boys, my brothers, and I will love and support them forever, because that's what family does. I can't wait to book my ticket for Christmas, because then I'll know exactly how long I have to count down until some serious brother hugs.
Until then, thank God for wifi and live streams. That's all I'm saying.
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