Taking Back Me

What do you get when you have a mentally ill slob of a 20 year old girl who completely refuses to wipe up anything she spills or clean any mess she makes who moves into a house, stays there for 5 years, and leaves with a rambunctious 4 year old she doesn't properly watch who has, subsequently, also been destroying the house since he was old enough to move?

The answer: My mom and me scrubbing walls, upholstery, floors, baseboards, and basically everything in sight to remove stains, some of which we can't for the life of us figure out how they got there.  Like how I was cleaning crap off the walls a good two feet above Chelsea's height (and we also say she has T-rex arms so it's not like there was any human way for her to reach there).  I just don't get it.  And it's disgusting.

But it's all going to be worth it.  Because at the end of this, not only will we have a clean house and actually want to be somewhere other than Mom's room or the kitchen, I will actually have my own bed and room for the summer.  AND in 8 days, our house will be filled with family, town folks, and friends I love (and I do mean filled, this is by far the biggest crowd we've invited to a party) to celebrate my graduation, and Mom and I both want this lovely house to look as nice as possible.

It's just too bad my body is so...frustrating?  Sure, we'll go with that.  Mom had to go to her school's prom tonight, and I couldn't do nearly as much as I needed to do to help out today while she was here or tonight while she was gone.  But she knows I can't afford to hurt myself, and that that's more important.  Besides, there are some things I can do while she's at work this week.  It's just...yeah, frustrating.  I want to be able to do more of the work without my muscles screaming at me and my legs shutting down and going totally weak from the nerve damage that makes them do that when they're tired.

This summer, I'm going to work on building up my physical stamina.  Yes, I want to lose weight, but with moving to New York, my main concern is being able to last.  Weight loss will come with the increase in stamina (I hope, it won't be so easy for me as it is for others because no thyroid makes your metabolism come to basically a complete halt).  Once Mom gets out of school, we're going to start going to the gym, but for now, walking will have to do.  Hey, it's a start, right?  It's long past time I took my body back.  After spending 5 years in bed and the next 4 in survival mode and barely scraping by, it's going to be hell, but I'm ready for something different.  And as my friend Emma, who has been so sweet in encouraging me and making me feel loved just as I am but also giving me tips on how to help my body, told me, that's the first step, but it's also a huge step.

That's something different in my life the past couple years, you know?  Being absolutely surrounded by people who love me for me and couldn't care less what I look like, but who also are so faithful at reminding me that I can be better.  It's a reflection of God to me, and how He takes me as my messy self but has only ever wanted to clean me up and save me from my mistakes.  These people point me back to that kind of unconditional but fiercely loyal love without tiring of me.  And that kind of love makes me want more for myself.  It makes me want to be better.  I'm finally beginning to see myself the way they have seen me this whole time.

That's why, come Monday, May 19, I'm starting on a journey of taking my body back.