109

Wow.  Today.  At some points, I quite honestly wondered if I'd be able to sit down and write the post I'm writing right now, because the days seemed so long and the rut I'd found myself in seemed impossible to get out of and all the doctors were saying they didn't know what else to do if this "one last chance" didn't work and it'd been so long that I'd forgotten what it felt like to not feel like my head was on the verge of exploding and someone was stabbing me in the eyes my every waking moment.

But you know what?  God knew today would come.  God knew exactly what it'd take to get me to right here.  God knew the doctors I needed to see, the help I needed to get, the sacrifices that had to be made.  He let me doubt Him and question where He was and have my days where I just felt down and out sorry for myself, all because He knew what was coming and the realizations that would hit me once today was finally here.

I have two words for you.

PAIN. FREE.

I know.  I KNOW.  109 days later and the pain finally broke.  It took me five full minutes after I woke up this morning to think, "This is what not being in pain feels like!"  And then I proceeded to call my mom and text every person I knew who has held me up and prayed for me over the past several months, who reminded me of God's faithfulness when I lost sight of who He is, who had been waiting anxiously with me for the day when I could tell them God gave me another miracle.

One thing is absolutely certain, this was one of the greatest lessons in patience I've ever experienced.  There were so many nights when I laid in bed begging God to help me.  I wondered why He could let me suffer and not even give me a little relief.  There were more of those nights than anyone really knows, because I guess part of me didn't want anyone, not even my closest friends, to know how badly I was struggling.  Maybe part of me is still that girl who thinks she has to have it "all together".  I also didn't tell anyone about most of it because I knew what the responses would be.  They'd be the same things I'd been reminding myself time and time again, trying to make myself let go of the fear that I was alone out of sheer willpower.  Don't get me wrong, I had a lot more good, trusting-in-God days than I did bad, but the bad ones were....well, just that.  Really bad.

Now, here I am, (hopefully) on the other side, and I'm praying that this lesson sticks with me.  That I don't forget these 109 days of waiting for help when I go home to my family again, a situation I've been waiting on a miracle for for more than 13 years.  I pray that God uses this to further my growth in Him and to transform me away from that scared little girl who trusted nothing and no one, and into the woman who praises His glorious name no matter what circumstances I face.  I pray that no matter what state my body and health is in from here on out, that I never forget this time of waiting and the reminder that His timing is so much greater than mine.  I pray that He gives me a way to use this part of my testimony to help someone else, someone else out there who faces chronic pain and feels like they're drowning in it.  I want Him to use this, just like He's used so many other pieces of me that felt irredeemable for so long.  Nothing is beyond redemption with the Lord.

I don't know what else to say.  Thank You, Lord.  Thank You for the answered prayers of me and so many who love me.  Thank You for the lesson in patience.  Thank You for laying with me in my darkest moments, even when I questioned Your presence and got angry.  Thank You for the reminder that I do not know You are good because of life's circumstances, but that I know You are good despite them. Thank You for being strong enough to take on all of this, heal me, and still have Your love for me never change.

Thank You, Lord.