Responsibility Complex

This afternoon/evening started out just like I expected.  Chelsea and I fought. It was ugly, and I messed up.

Tonight, though, consisted of two absolutely beautiful people speaking God's Truth into my heart when I needed it most.  And it never ceases to amaze me what God can pull off just by lining up certain people at the right time and giving them the right words.

First was Alex.  What that kid said to me was so simple but exactly what I needed someone to make me see (which is actually something that I talked about in my later conversation).  I have what friend #2 calls a "responsibility complex".  I'm sitting here mad at myself because I'm watching my family and my relationships with the people in it fall completely to shreds and I can't do anything about it.  I want to fix it.  I fight to try and fix it, and then when these relationships are still bad, I tell myself I'm a failure because it's still messed up and if I was just better at this then everything would be fine.  Well, Alex made me see that relationships go both ways, and I've come to meet them halfway (or probably more than halfway on my part, as he said), but I can't force them to come towards me, too.  I can't force a relationship when the other party wants no part in it.  I have done everything I can do.  That doesn't mean I'm going to stop loving them or stop praying for them; it just means that I am doing the best that I can, and pushing myself even further will only make it worse.  Now, I have to wait until they are ready to make changes.  This doesn't make me a failure, this makes me human.  That is why God is in control and I am not.

Then, well, I'm writing this post at 2:30 in the morning (I'm changing the clock on the post because I want it to say June 1st) because I spent 74 minutes on the phone with Michal late tonight.  The things we talked about in that conversation made me realize how our friendship is 100% a God thing.  Despite the fact that we come from basically polar opposite backgrounds, there are so many similarities in our personalities and our stories and the things we're dealing with right now that there just couldn't possibly be any other explanation.  She has my same responsibility complex, especially when we're both facing family turmoil that we want so badly to fix and can't.  Also, apparently, that night at Sanctuary, the singer said everyone should pray that those who got baptized that night would have someone or find someone to walk with them through their journey and help guide them (I must've missed him saying this).  At first, I thought the person that was my spiritual mentor/answer to prayer was Brennan, but now I'm really thinking that person is Michal.  And really, it's so much better this way because when you have two (heterosexual) girl friends, things aren't so complicated with feelings and whatnot.  I feel like I could tell this girl anything at all, and she gets it because our hearts are so similar.  She was so good to remind me that God's love for me will never change no matter what I say or do, and she understood me when I spoke about my journey from blaming God for my problems to thanking Him and using them to share His glory.  Not to mention, she's like my own personal Bible teacher.  :)  In the middle of our conversation, I was talking about how unprepared I feel for the job God has given me of sharing my testimony of his goodness and love and mercy with the world, and she just led me straight to 1 Corinthians 1, which spoke of exactly what I just said, how God uses the "unworthy" to change the world.  She has been so encouraging to me in getting me to dig into Scripture for the first time in my life.  After eight weeks, I already have the relationship with her that I wish I had with Holly and Chelsea, and that is just ridiculously cool.  There isn't a thing that I wouldn't do for that girl, and she knows it, and I'm pretty sure it's vice versa, as well.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's almost 3 am.  I'm going to go read 1 Corinthians (some of it, at least) and then collapse.  My brain is tired and my heart is full.  I can't ask for anything else.