Then, I spent the better part of the afternoon arguing with Chelsea until it got to the point that I was forced to barricade myself in my room with all my suitcases up against the door (you can easily get into these doors with just a card when they're locked). Luckily, that only lasted about an hour before Mom got home, and then I had to listen to her lecture me on how I'm supposed to better than that and basically how I'm not supposed to have emotions in this house. Which makes no sense whatsoever considering how often Mom loses her cool with Chelsea, but apparently my being a Christian means I have the magical power to shut off my emotions whenever I want? Trust me, if I could do that, I wouldn't still be beating myself up about that friend not speaking to me.
Here's the upside, though! Even on my bad days, God never ceases to find ways to make me grateful for my life. And when my family isn't feeling much like family, there's no better way to get me back to His Truth than to have a talk with any one of my amazing, kindhearted, patient, Christian friends. And tonight, I had four of them.
After Mom lectured me, I sat outside on the driveway (because, yes, sitting in the boiling hot sunshine is better than being inside my house when we're all mad at each other). At first, I sat there and cried and prayed, but then I started calling people. My friend Louis eventually answered, and he let me vent for a second before smartly distracting me with talk about politics, national, state, and Campbell. I was really needing someone to get my mind off of everything, so he was a huge help in that department.
After that, I went back inside because I was getting really hot. By that point, Chelsea's happy personality came out, and things calmed down. I got the pizza for dinner that I'd been craving, so that was nice. I sat down to try and piece my room back together, because I had pretty much torn it apart trying to move stuff to barricade the door. But then my phone started ringing. People called me back. :)
First was Alex. He said my voicemail sounded "urgent", so he wanted to make sure I was okay. We talked for a few minutes before Chelsea needed me, and he was busy anyway, but those few minutes were good minutes. He reminded me of my humanity and that it's okay to be mad sometimes. He also reminded me that he's never going to care what I look like (Chelsea's favorite thing to harass me about), which I thought was very sweet.
Then was Elizabeth. We spent a good 40 minutes (and several phone calls because Sprint service sucks and kept disconnecting us) talking about all sorts of stuff: school, that friend who ditched me, God, family, Nashville, just everything. She very sweetly (and I do mean sweetly, that's not sarcastic) pointed out some errors in my way of thinking and gave me a couple reality checks on people about whom I'm having a hard time accepting what appears to be truth (namely that friend, or former friend, I should say). I also really appreciated her advice on reading my Bible, as it is still a very new practice to me. She, too, reminded me of my humanity, and the key fact that I matter to God, no matter what my family says or does. She has bipolar disorder, too (but she's not crazy like Chelsea, Chelsea has multiple disorders), so she kind of gave me some insight into things she could relate to and what she learned in therapy. She also reminded me to stop being so hard on myself. What I appreciated the most, though, was her making me admit the fact that the reason I am so hung up on this blowup with that friend who left and the reason I want to have one more conversation with them even if it is over entirely, it's because I'm looking for their approval, and the only approval I need to be focused on getting is God's. This person's approval doesn't matter in the end, and if they continue to show me that they don't care about me like I thought they did, then I just need to let it go because that's not the kind of "Christian" influence I need in my life right now.
Then came Danny. He did mostly a lot of listening because he simply didn't know what to say (which I totally understand because you can't really understand this kind of life unless you live it), but when he did talk, I think he spoke God's Truth into my heart more than anyone. As I was telling him about how my family doesn't really much seem to care about how they make me feel, he was bold enough to say that they may never care. They're just as broken and fallen as I am, and I can't change their hearts - only God can do that. I told him that being stuck in this house makes it very easy for me to feel forgettable and unimportant, and he just straight told me that even if I am forgettable and unimportant to my family or anyone else on this planet, there's nothing I can say or do to make God forget me or stop caring about me. He's who I'm going to end up with in the end, anyway, so what else matters? As much as it kills me, no amount of fighting on my part can win my mom and my sisters' salvation, it's a choice they have to make on their own. I can pray they make the choice, but if they don't, that's something they'll have to live and die with while I live in heaven with the King of Kings. God loves me no matter what I look like, and He's not expecting me to be perfect, He's just expecting me to TRY to emulate Him. I'm always going to fail, but that's never going to change the fact that God loves me more than I will ever know. He was afraid he was going to sound like a "broken record," but I told him I needed someone to just spell out God's Truth for me, and I did.
So yeah, tonight, I'm going to bed with a smile on my face, and six hours ago, I would've thought you were crazy if you told me that would happen. Like I said, no matter how bad a day gets, God always manages to find a way to make me thankful. I'm thankful I was paying attention to this. I'm thankful I thought to call those friends. I'm thankful they were sweet enough to call me back, and that they were bold and thoughtful enough to tell me the things I needed to hear. I'm thankful God put those people (and so many others) in my life to encourage me and push me to keep running toward Him. But mostly, I'm thankful that God loves me, and His love never quits me. As Taylor told me this past Thursday, "Stay with Him no matter who stays with you. Because He will stay with you." And quite frankly, I think knowing that is all that's going to get me through the next six days.
Plus, Ryann texted me out of the blue just to tell me she loves me and misses me and hopes everything is going well. (Her timing amuses me.) Even though I will always know I matter to God, it's still nice to hear that I matter to some people in my life. :)
On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace
All my fears swept away
In the light of Your embrace
Where Your love is all I need
And forever I am free
Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone
No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering, You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness, no sick or lame
No hiding, You hold me now
You hold me now
In this life, I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails
Where Your Name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I'm believing for the day
Where the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone
No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering, You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness, no sick or lame
No hiding, You hold me now
You hold me now
Jesus, you hold me now, Lord
For eternity, all my heart will give
All the glory to Your Name
For eternity, all my heart will give
All the glory to Your Name
Jesus, for eternity, all my heart will give
All the glory to Your Name
For eternity, all my heart will give
All the glory to Your Name
No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering, You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness, no sick or lame
No hiding, You hold me now
You hold me now
You hold me now.
You have some sweet friends. :) You leave for DC on Saturday, right?
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