Triggers

Relationship issues with a friend of mine over the past 3 weeks have pulled some old wounds back to the surface, both very old wounds that I didn't realize were still there and pretty new wounds that are still stinging and still a bit raw. So it's been hard.

Forgiveness wasn't the hard part. Forgiveness was easy. I've forgiven this friend. The hard part is getting a grasp on the fear that all of this current stuff triggered because of the stuff I've been through in the past.

It wasn't until therapy today that I realized that I've been putting relationships from my past (ex. Landon) on this current friendship and this current problem. This friend is not Landon. This is the first time this friend has ever given me, shall we say, cause for concern, and we've actually had a conversation to reconcile things, whereas Landon never would have been open to having that conversation and hearing me out to understand where I was coming from. This friend has made it clear that they want to remain friends, whereas Landon would have shown no sign of concern at the possibility of losing me.

I've been scared to talk to this friend because I'm scared of getting played, I'm scared of getting hurt again, but my therapist helped me realize that if I didn't talk to them despite the fear, the trust would never be rebuilt and I might as well give up on our friendship now.

I read online yesterday a quote that hit me really hard. "A life worth living is dangerous." I can't allow what has happened to let me shut myself down again. It's still very hard for me to let people in very far, especially as far as I let this friend in, so now that that trust has been betrayed, my instinct is to go "See, this is why I shouldn't trust people," but the real truth is that I have so many people who love me. And if I hadn't trusted enough to let people into my life, I would have missed out on so many friendships in the past few years that have made me better, stronger, and wiser. And I wouldn't trade those people to avoid all the heartache in the world.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I came to a realization today. I was under the mistaken impression that because I've grown so much from the person that I was before, that I would be able to leave the pain and scars that girl faced in the past along with her. But they are always going to be a part of me. They are always going to color my perspective in some sense.

The key is this: I can't let the triggers of my past dictate the relationships of my future. That's not fair to the people in my life now, and it's also not fair to me.