That's what I kept telling myself.
I didn't want to be feeling what I knew in my gut I was. I didn't want it to be true. So I kept telling myself a bunch of different things in an attempt to convince myself that I was just making it up, that I was reading too much into things, that I was jumping too far ahead and in too deep once again, that I'm just lonely so I'm creating things in my head. I mean, I know my history; none of those assumptions are farfetched.
In come my girlfriends. God bless 'em. After conversations with two of them, I realized oh crap, this is real. I wasn't just making it up, because it's obvious to the two girls who know me best.
This is exactly what I didn't want.
Because while things could change for the better, they could also change for the much, much worse, and that would absolutely devastate me.
So I told myself to just be happy with what I have.
And I am. It's not that I'm not happy now, or that I think changing things is what will make me happy.
It's just these...stupid feelings and desires get in the way.
It'll be status quo for a while, because I need to make up my mind on what to do next and how to go about it, but still.
This is not what I wanted. I'm happy with the way things are now. But I suppose that it's always best to accept the truth about how you're feeling, even if it's scary. And this is scary.
But truth be told, I'm quite curious to see how all of this will play out in the end.
I'll keep you posted. ;)
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