I know my blog posts are bouncing back and forth from happy and good to, well, not so happy and not so good (to put it lightly), but you know, sometimes I'm a little all over the place. And today I'm just really aware of how good God is because he's given me such light in the midst of the darkness of my feelings today and yesterday.
When I was talking to Steven yesterday, I said at two different moments how a) being at church is seemingly the one completely good thing in my life right now and b) I'm so very desperate for a break, and he said something that has stuck with me. "Maybe you should look at this time with us as your break." And that's something that I'm realizing so clearly tonight. Time with my friends IS my break during all of this hard stuff.
Yesterday with Jay. All it took was him saying "Hey Mal" for me to start smiling. He was my escape, even for an hour and a half. For that short block of time, he made me forget everything that was going on and just laugh and smile and have fun with the boy who has known me for seven years and been with me through more than anyone in my life aside from Matt. And I talk to Jay more nowadays than I do Matt. He is so very special to me.
Today, Ashley took me to dinner. Somehow, I've made a girlfriend here who genuinely loves spending time with and will listen to me about anything, even when it's something that isn't in line with "typical" Christian standards. We talk about everything, from the hard stuff to church stuff to silly and light stuff like the cute guys I know at Spiegel. I firmly believe that every woman needs girl time. It's good for the soul. She helps me feel like a normal young woman, like I'm not as different as I've felt my entire life. She is quite easily my best girlfriend here in the city.
And when I got home from that, I got to FaceTime with Clayton. I never laugh harder or feel God more strongly than I do when I am talking to him. I don't know how I could ask more in a best friend. I feel like I tell him the same things over and over again about the hard stuff that I'm feeling, how the dark stuff is affecting me mentally and emotionally and spiritually, and while other people might get bored, he seems to have the patience of a saint in letting me vent my feelings time and time again, no matter how many times I repeat myself over time. He instinctively knows when he just needs to listen and when he needs to pull out his crazy voices and faces and make me laugh. And every time we talk, we end in prayer, and I am so thankful for that. I'll be honest, lately my prayer life has really been lacking because when you're angry you don't always want to talk and when you're sad you don't always know what to say, but when I talk to Clayton, at least then I have a moment where I force myself to talk to the Lord. If only because I don't do it alone.
I'm understanding now that time with my friends, that time is my break from the pain. I am so unbelievably, mind-blowingly lucky and thankful that God isn't letting me walk in this valley in total darkness, that he's not making me do this totally alone. I'm seeing now that this chapter of my life isn't as dark or as lonely as it seems.
And for that, I say SOLI GLORIA DEO.
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