I named it that because, in August, I couldn't wait to graduate. I knew exactly how many days there were until graduation from very early on (because there's an app for everything). I quite literally was counting down until the end.
Me today would like to go back and shake some sense into me then because me today is looking at leaving this campus in one week and has an inexplicable sense of dread about it.
I really, really, really hate goodbyes. I don't know if you've figured that out yet. (Ha!) I'm already having to figure out when I will get to say goodbye to certain people and it makes me sad and nervous that some of them will leave without a chance for me to see them one last time.
A dear friend of mine dreads goodbyes as much as I do. He said he has ever since 8th grade when he had to say goodbye to a very close-knit group of friends when they were heading off to different high schools. We can't even say the word "last" around each other. So I can imagine that we're both going to be a mess next week. Saying goodbye to him is going to be one of the hardest of all of this, so I'm thankful that he'll be one of the last people to leave.
I know that I got everything that I could out of this year, out of this whole era, but I still feel like I'm missing something. What, I don't know. This just doesn't feel complete yet. Maybe that's why I don't want to say goodbye.
Or maybe it's just that I'm scared of change. Scared of leaving home. Scared of saying goodbye to what I know, the people who know me in my bones, and the safety of a family like no other. I don't know.
What I do know is that when I get too focused on the countdown, I miss out on soaking in the moment. (Man, I sound like a cheese ball, but I'm being sincere.) Yes, I have to mentally prepare myself that next Thursday is coming, but I can't focus on it. Not only will I be too sad for anyone's good, I will miss out on the beauty of right now. And that would be a grave mistake.
Thank the Lord, I am here and now.
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