Acceptance

After Ryann graduated in May, I never imagined that my senior year could or would be my favorite year, that it could top the two years we spent doing Campbell life together.  When your best friend moves away for good, it's pretty hard to fathom the idea that college life could get even better after that.

But somehow, it did.  At least for me.  Don't get me wrong - it still feels weird not having her here and I miss her like crazy, but this year so far has been the best year that I've had.  I've grown in ways I didn't know I needed to and have already found so many people who have changed my life and perspective drastically, people I wish I could have met ages ago but am simply thankful to know at all.

Exhibit A:  These kids.  Hannah invited me to go to Taco Bell and come over and watch a movie with her, Travis, and Emily.  (Peyton is in Georgia this weekend; otherwise, she totally would have been with us, too.)

I met them three days ago, and I feel a sense of security and friendship with them that I never knew could happen this quickly.  I feel like we've been friends for so much longer than we really have.  They took me in and let me into their group without me even having to try.  I'm so used to being told that I'm not enough, for whatever reason, but they showed me that I was enough for them from the second we met.  In such a short amount of time, they have shown me a whole new level of love and acceptance.  We get each other's sense of humor, and I'm not afraid to be my dorky self in front of them because they simply don't care.  We click because none of us are "normal" college kids.  And we like it.  I don't know what else to say other than I feel so at home with them, and I know they feel the same way about me.  God brought us together, and from the start, it all just made sense.  And Lord willing, this is just the beginning of it all and a couple years from now, I will be watching Hannah and Travis get married. :)  (To you crazy, wonderful kids reading this, good luck getting rid of me now! Mwahahahahahahaha. :D)

In the midst of that beauty today, I've been dealing with some really hurtful family stuff since last night.  It's like...the opposite of acceptance with them.  And being the people-pleaser that I am, knowing that I'm never going to be "good enough" for the people that I love most in the world is very hard to deal with.  I'm at this weird crossroads of still feeling like that little girl who wants to make them proud and be a person that they like, but also knowing that I am at a better place now than I have ever been in the past, I truly love who I am for the first time in my life, and I'm not going to give that up to make them happy or more comfortable.  While my head knows what is true, that doesn't make my heart hurt any less.

Enter Austin.  I just met him two months ago, and in that time, I realized that I have found someone who truly understands me without me even having to try.  We see life and people in a similar way because of our pasts, and I know that I can always rely on him.  He's shown up late at night several times, running as quickly as he can when he knows I need someone, and is here as long as he can to listen to me, tell me his view, pray with me, and remind me of who I really am.  I can tell him what a total mess I am and not be ashamed of it because he sees my heart and the person I truly am underneath it all.  He understands what it means to love through the mess.  Austin is most certainly another friend that I feel like I've known forever, and I know that God orchestrated this friendship at this time for a specific reason.  I'm not sure what it is yet, but I believe I just met him this semester for a reason.  Maybe it's because God knew this is when things with my family would dramatically change, I don't know.  What I am sure of is that God sent him straight to me, same as Hannah, Emily, Travis, and Peyton.

Watching "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" tonight, it brought tears to my eyes, and I am not a person who cries at TV or movies easily.  But I saw so much of myself and my heart in the lead character, the feeling that I don't deserve the people that dive head first into my life and choose to stay there.  "We accept the love we think we deserve" is a pretty famous line from the book and movie, and it really got me thinking.  Back when I was in high school, and I would freak out at Matt, certain that he didn't love me even when he showed me how much he did, I realize that I couldn't accept the love he gave back then because of the countless other voices in my life were so loud that they won out and convinced me I didn't deserve love.  It's something I still struggle with a great deal today, especially when these friends-turned-family tell me what a blessing I am and how lucky they are to know me when they spend so much time giving to me.  My mind gets blown no matter how many times I hear it, how they call themselves the lucky ones given the circumstances.  The difference between who I am now and who I was years ago with Matt is that even though I don't get this, either, I'm determined to accept it anyway.  I'm so thankful that I've learned how to accept love even when I don't understand it and I'm not always sure I deserve it.  Because if I had made the stupid, fearful mistake not to let people like Hannah, Emily, Travis, Peyton, and Austin into my life, my world would be so much darker.  And now that they're here, and we're invested in each other, I can't imagine it being any other way.

As I told Hannah, when God orchestrates friendships like this, it's a gift for everyone involved.  Glory to Him.