But for the first time, something good is happening, and I want to protect it. The other person involved is so special to me that I don't want to put a record down of what might be only to later find out that what I thought was something wasn't actually anything at all. Maybe it's to keep myself safe from judgment, to make sure I don't end up looking like the girl who makes the same mistake over and over again without learning any better, to stop you from thinking that I'm the girl who will fall for anyone. That's not me, not anymore. This has been building for months, I think, this is only just coming to me now because I didn't believe it could be true.
Just know that I don't think that I've ever wanted something as badly as I want this, but at the same time, I am ecstatic with the way things are because, like I said, this man is just special. I am aware every second of every day just how much of a blessing this friendship is.
Since I am who I am and I have to let everything out somewhere and I can't (or won't) let it out here, I did the next best thing. I turned to a few key people in my life whom I trust wholeheartedly, people I knew would understand where I'm coming from, be generous with their advice, and still be extremely encouraging at the same time. And sooner or later, they all said variations of the same thing. You deserve this. He's the lucky one.
I want to believe them. I want to believe these friends who know my heart so well. I know how much heartache I've been through over the years on all levels, and they've been there to witness a lot of it. So I can't really think of anyone who would know better than them if I deserve the chance to be happy with someone, someone who makes me feel more special than anyone I've ever met and still encourages me to rely on God, not him.
But I've never been good at believing I deserve good things, and no, this isn't just since I became a Christian and realized how much grace God gives me when I don't deserve it. Even before then, I never could let myself think I could just accept something good was coming. There was always that voice in the back of my head telling me that it was all going to get ugly really quickly if I stayed. I started second guessing everything the other person did, believing they were just like all the others and were using me. I rarely stayed long enough to find out if that voice was right. Instead, I ran. I sabotaged myself as fast as I could and bolted, thinking I'd rather be the one to hurt me than let someone else do it. Not again.
This time is different, though. He has not done a single thing the entire time we've known each other to make me think that his motives are anything but pure and genuine. Every second we've spent talking to each other has tightened the bond of our friendship. And finally, for the first time, there's hope that it could be something more, and I know him so well that I know that he wouldn't say what he said if he didn't mean it. It's what I've wanted for a while now.
Matt's simple response? Don't run. Don't let yourself run. He's seen me do it too many times before. I don't want to run this time. Not one piece of me is scared this time. But still, the thought is in the back of my head: I don't deserve it. I don't deserve a man as wonderful as this. Because he is a real man. I can't make myself understand why a guy like this is interested in a girl like me. But he is. And I know I'm not going to give up until I found out if all of this is worth it, if he is worth it.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if he's going to turn out to be the person that I pray that he is. What I do know is that at the end of the day, I have an incredible person in my life, and I don't want to let go. It's people like him and the people who have advised me on this who slowly break down the last pieces of the girl who believed she only deserved to be hurt and used.
Trust me when I tell you that when there is something to tell, I will tell. But for now, there are too many uncertainties and questions and too much time to wait, and I feel this nagging need to protect it and him until I know it doesn't need (or deserve?) my protection. For now, though, he's just too special to me. All of this feels too sacred to put it out in the open for judgment.
I am happy, I promise. Just please, as my friends, pray for me, him, and us. Pray that God gives me clarity on what I need to do and what needs to happen, so if I shouldn't be spending so much time building up hope over this, that I can let these feelings go. Pray that God gives him the wisdom he needs to be a real man, and that we can both honor God with the decisions we make. Pray that if one of us needs to change our view on all of this, God will make it explicitly clear to us. Pray that I have patience, that I keep putting Jesus first, and him second, and the knowledge of how badly I want this to work out last. And lastly, pray that I let myself believe I deserve the good that is already in this, and the greatness that could lay in my future.
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
That's a line from The Perks of Being a Wallflower (no, never seen or read it, but I want to do both!), and it's true. If I don't believe I deserve him/this/happiness, I won't let it happen. And I DO want it to happen, more than I can say.
Lord, guide me.
No comments:
Post a Comment