Give Up the Funk

No, this is not an upbeat post like the song.  Sorry in advance.

I'm in a funk right now.

It's hard to explain.

I'm not even 100% sure why.  I've just been in a bad mood the past few days.

First off, I got a stupid sunburn yesterday at the beach and Mom doesn't get paid till tomorrow so I have no aloe.

The weird thing is that things that don't usually bug me are bugging me lately.  Like Matt being busy.  He came over on Thursday and was planning to hang out but like 20 minutes in, his mom called him and told him he had to come see some jazz show so we barely got to spend time together.  He said he was gonna come over the next day. 

Well, he works all night (literally, like 11 pm to 5 or 5:30 am), so he sleeps till the late afternoon.

He did laundry all Friday night and had to celebrate his nana's birthday. 

Saturday, Mom, Chelsea, Mommom and I went to dinner, then he had to celebrate his mom's birthday.

Yesterday morning he went kayaking instead of going to bed, so he literally slept till like 9 pm. 

Today, they went out for Memorial Day.

My point is that after nine years, I'm beyond used to him being tied up all the time, and plans with him changing at the last second, and all that jazz.  It usually doesn't bother me.  But this weekend?  Mom and Chelsea have been particularly hostile, and other people I know have been causing drama, and a visit on Friday has turned into a visit on Tuesday at the earliest and it's pissing me off that I've needed a hug from my best friend, the only person who makes me feel safe, for three days and I can't get his freaking attention long enough for him to even act like he understands that this weekend has been hell.

Plus, as incredibly stupid as it is, I've been having recurring dreams about Landon and on top of everything else, that makes me want to cry even more. 

So yes.  I'm in a funk.  And I'd really like it if it went away real soon.

The problem is I care too much.

About people.

About what they think.

About how they're doing.

About how they feel about me.

If I could just be like Matt, my life would be so much less complicated.  I'd be nonchalant and not get so utterly destroyed every time a relationship fails.

If I could just hate people who hurt me, I could move on when relationships end and not sit around pondering the what ifs and beating myself up over what I did wrong.

If I just didn't care so freaking much all the dang time, I might be way more self-confident and not feel the urge to go back to people who hurt me. 

Then I wouldn't be giving the people who seem to enjoy making my life a living hell 1000 times more ammunition to use against me.  Looking back at all the times I've been burned, I'm pretty positive that 99% of all those times were because I cared way more about that person than he/she cared about me.

But I have to believe that God made me this way for a reason.  That He gave me this enormous heart and "others first" mentality for a reason.  I have to.  If I lose sight of that, I'll go nuts.  Whether or not I get it doesn't matter.  Knowing that He has a reason for all the heartache helps melt away the pain and the barriers that I've built up around my heart over the years.

It reminds me of this song, one of my all-time favorite worship songs:



This heartache, pain, and frustration will not be unredeemed.  I just have to be patient and wait.

It's just too bad patience has never been one of my strong suits. ;)

Being a grownup is hard.

I've never had a job before.

A paying job, at least.  I volunteered at the Habitat for Humanity store in my senior year for my graduation project.

Besides, my health was so terrible through all of high school, it just wouldn't have been possible.

I decided that this summer, I was going to get a real job and save up some money.

Well, I apparently failed to take into consideration the fact that my physical disabilities prevent me from being able to stand up all day, eliminating fast food or grocery stores.

The only logical option is an office job.  So this week I'm mailing out letters to a bunch of businesses in town in hopes that someone, anyone, will hire me.

Please pray that someone does!  I really, really need this to work.

No matter how much it hurts.

It's his birthday in a few days.  And right now?

I miss him.

I miss talking to him. 

I miss the friend I thought he was.

I'm fighting the urge to contact him.  But I know I can't.  I know it would only bring me harm.  I know that, but I hurt.

Matt tells me I need to let him go.  As if it's just that simple as making a choice.  If I could just decide to not care anymore, I would've done that weeks ago.

I should hate him for what he did.  But I don't.  I wish I could, but I don't.  If we could really talk things out, I know I'd forgive him.

But that's not me.  It never has been.  I care way too much, even about people who hurt me, even when it does me no good.  I put so much of myself into every relationship that I make that it makes it nearly impossible for me to forget that and let go.

I don't give up easily.  Which is why I have this desire to contact him again.  To try again to get the truth.  But I can't.  I know that if I did it'd just be another round of him toying with my emotions and not being honest with me and confusing me even more than I already am.  So I just can't do it.  Even though I want to.

So for now, I'm just gonna sit here and miss him, and pray for the strength to keep my mouth shut.  No matter how much it hurts me to do that, the alternative will inevitably hurt way worse.

I've been quiet.

Not on purpose, just...haven't had much to say.

Being sick sucks. There's a good place to start.  I feel like I've been sleeping for four days.  Mostly because I haven't had the energy to do anything else.

I hope I start to feel better soon. I haven't left the house all week, and I want to go visit my old French teacher.  Plus, the whole not breathing well thing is kind of a pain in the butt.

It's finale week on television.  Lots of deaths.  Rather depressing, if you ask me.  But apparently death is a good way to end a season.

I still need to find a job.  It's very hard to do because there are so many things I can't do, thus limiting my options. 

I'm tired.  I have no idea how that's possible considering how much I've slept this week, but I am.

I've run out of things to say, and I'm bored.

Good night.

Because I can never have a normal problem.

I went to my family doctor Thursday because I have an ingrown toenail and Mom was afraid it was infected.
What started out a simple issue turned into a huge deal as soon as the nurse took my blood pressure.  She did it once, got a serious look on her face, and asked me if I was feeling dizzy.  I said no, so she took it again.  She asked me if I was sure, and I told her I felt absolutely fine, which was true!  She then told me she was going to get the doctor.  As she left, she told me to try to relax.  I looked at her and said, "I couldn't be more relaxed."  Which was also true. 

The doctor came in and took my blood pressure a third time, and then checked my heart rate.  Apparently, my blood pressure is ridiculously low, and my heart rate is ridiculously high.  Then she ordered bloodwork because to have my vitals and feel fine is odd. So now I have to wait till Monday for the results from that.
I'm just very confused.  My blood pressure often drops when my seizure disorder is acting up, so I know what that feels like, and I had and still have no symptoms whatsoever.

The good news is that it might be something as simple as my thyroid levels being out of whack, and that can be fixed by simply upping the dosage of my medication.  If it's not that, though, I don't know what it is, so let's just hope I have an easy problem for a change, eh?

In the end, no matter what is wrong, I can deal.  I always do.

I shouldn't be jealous.

Yet, I am.

Holly came home for a one-night visit because she was working on Mother's Day.

Right now, she's out with Matt.

I don't care that they're friends.

I'm upset because this happens every. single. time. she comes home.  I'm 18 years old, and it feels like they're still treating me like a kid because when they're together, they refuse to include me in anything.

Part of me wants to tell myself, "GET THE HECK OVER YOURSELF!"  And part of me is just...sad.  I'm also scared that if I say anything, I'll look selfish or like an idiot. Mom thinks I'm being stupid - big surprise there. (please note intended sarcasm)

So. Here I am. Sad. With no one to talk to.

Super.

God, help me make this feeling go away.

I've become obsessed with Picnik.

Exhibit A? Because I was bored today, I made this:

Isn't it cute? :)  It's still a little crazy to me that I've known this kid for almost NINE YEARS. 

He came over tonight to hang out for a bit a) because we haven't seen each other since Spring Break and even then it was only for a short time and b) because it's Mother's Day and he wanted to come see Mom.  Definitely was a nice treat for her because she still doesn't feel very good. Poor thing. :(  Even better surprise, though, is Holly called to tell us she's coming home for the day on Wednesday.  She, Matt, and I might go to the beach. 

It's always nice to see Matt.  He makes me laugh harder than anyone I know.  Like this gem of a conversation: (We were talking about weddings because a guy we both know is getting married in a couple months.)

Me: You're gonna be in my wedding when I get married.

Matt: What do you mean?

Me: Like....a groomsman?

Matt: Ohhhh, cause I was thinking I could totally be a bridesmaid!  Wear a dress and everything.

Me: *busts out laughing* Uh, how about you wear a tux and just stand on my side? Cause uhh, yeah...

And when I recounted this conversation to Mom later, her very first response was "He totally would, too!" :D  We then decided he's going to be my "man of honor".  There's no one more appropriate for the job, seeing as how no one on earth is as close to me as he is.

I have to go to the orthodontist tomorrow. I'm praying he takes my braces off because I am tired of them.  The only reason he might not is because my gums are swollen but it's not my fault because the medicines I'm on make my gums swell, and I brush and floss regularly, but we'll see....I better go to bed now so I don't oversleep!

I am crazy. I admit that.

It's 2:20 am on Friday, May 6th.

I have been up for almost 20 hours. And yet I can't sleep.

What does one do at this hour when one has just arrived home from college for the summer? Why, unpack, of course!

Ah, home.

The irony of all ironies? I wished I was back at Campbell with my friends about 10 minutes after I left.

So yes, here's my day:
First off, I didn't finish preparing for my exam till 11:30 last night, and then couldn't fall asleep till after 2:00. Keep that in mind.
6:30 - wake up
7:15 - breakfast, surprisingly run into Ryann and Kyle
8:00 - Stats exam
8:50 - back at my dorm, throw wet towels from fridge defrosting into dryer, head to bookstore
9:00 - return books
9:40 - go to business office to put money from returning books in Creek Bucks account
10:00 - back at my dorm, finish packing last few things I used that morning
10:25 - Tyler arrives, begin loading bags into his GINORMOUS van
10:30 - Ian and Kyle arrive
10:50 - finish loading all my crap into Tyler and Kyle's vans and Ian's car, Kyle goes to get Ryann from a meeting, Tyler heads to storage place, Ian and I head back in for the last bit of stuff where we realize we forgot my bookcase and are thankfully able to fit it in Ian's car
10:57 - Ian and I arrive at storage place where the others already are unloading
11:05 - finish unloading (YES, in forty minutes!!!), talk for a minute, hugs, head in several directions, Ian takes me back to my dorm
11:10 - lunch
11:35 - BREATHE FOR A FEW MINUTES
11:45 - begin taking my stuff outside in preparation for Mommom's arrival
12:00 - Mommom arrives, load my suitcases and three containers, TV, and computer in her car
12:05 - check out with my RA
12:15 - leave Campbell

All of that to say I did more before noon today than I did in any entire day all semester. I should be exhausted! And yet, now it's 2:35, and here I am.
I have amazing friends. Tyler, Kyle, and Ian were all so adorable about not letting me pick up ANYTHING heavy. Even Ryann made me carry the light trash bags!! Which is probably a good thing, since I was plenty worn out with all I did do. And they refused to be paid for helping me. Ian told me it was payback for tutoring him, Ryann said there was no way she could accept money when Mom has missed so much work from being sick (she's doing better, thankfully), and Kyle actually laughed and told me not to be ridiculous. Tyler, well, I didn't even know he was coming until Tuesday at our final! I hadn't asked him because I figured the other three were plenty, and he was like "Well, they're going, so I might as well come, too!" All righty then.

from left there's Ryann, Teri, Kyle, Ian, me, Dr. Steegar, and Tyler on the last day of class

So as you can see, Ian is NOT a big guy. Imagine my surprise when I turn around in the parking lot and see Ian carrying out my brown recliner. My huge recliner. He only made it halfway to the van as I stared in bewilderment before he couldn't take any more and stopped for Kyle to come help. Kyle, on the other hand, is 6'3 and can carry my recliner by himself. I asked Ian why he did that when there were two other guys who could help. His response? "I don't know. It was there." Boys. :p

Best welcome home present EVER, though? When Mom got home from work, she took me to get mani-pedis and to dinner at Las Fincas. :D

So yes, I miss my friends, but I'm home. Home is good. Home has Blake. And home is where Matt will be tomorrow night. :D

Remember this day.

Osama bin Laden is dead.

Today is a day America has been waiting for for 9 years, 7 months, 2 weeks, and 6 days.

Now, we must pray for the safety of the troops who are still overseas and are now at risk of retaliation.

A delicate balance between joyous celebration and somber prayer.

(And yes, my computer is still messed up. I had to use the on-screen keyboard just to post this much.)