Time may change me, but I can't trace time.

I should've posted about this long before now, but better late than never, right?

Chances are, by now, you've heard about the "One Word" thing that's spread like wildfire.  If you haven't, here's the gist:  instead of New Year's Resolutions, you pick one word that will be your focus/goal for the year.  I didn't do this last year, but this year, I knew exactly what my word would be.  It's simple, and probably chosen by a lot of people, but it's perfect for me in this year.  My One Word for 2011 is

Peace.

Back around New Year's Day, I decided to make 2011 the year that I would find the peace that I have been so desperately searching for for years.  Since January of 2007, I have felt that my life has been one constant battle, both with my family and my health.  Constantly fighting to stay afloat, trying not to drown in my pain, my frustration, my fear, my stress.

Stress. The bane of my existence.  My entiire life, I have been high-stress about EVERYTHING.  School, sickness, family, friends, my friends' problems, and on and on and on.  And in the past few years, it only got worse.  I would break down every Sunday night like clockwork just because I was so stressed I didn't know how I was going to face another week.  And by the time I was a teenager, my neurologist realized that anxiety and stress were a trigger for my seizures, which is why I now take anxiety meds every morning, and I can really tell a difference if I forget to take it one day.

Anyway, I won't make this a huge post, but my point is this: I desperately need to be more peaceful.  If I don't, I'll go even more nuts.  So I decided that the first step was to focus on all the positives in my life, instead of the bad. 

Already, God has proven Himself ever so faithful and concerned with my desires.  A dear friend of mine commented the other day that she has seen such a change in my personality.  All because I made a choice to be happy. 

And when I had that talk with Matt on Friday, even though I had been SO nervous in the days beforehand, I was completely calm through the entire conversation.  No shaking.  No tears.  No heart racing.  Nothing.  That night, I finally fully comprehended the meaning of the phrase "peace that passes all understanding."  God was all over that conversation, no doubt about it.  It's hard to explain, even harder to describe, but I will just say this - the old me would've definitely had been having a panic attack the second I decided to take the opportunity to tell him what was on my heart.

We may only be 30 days into the new year, but I can already feel myself that much closer to my goal.  I am changing, and it's a miraculous, beautiful, wonderful thing.

This

It makes me smile.

One, because I woke up to Matt having accepted my "family" request on Facebook.  We're facebook-official siblings. :)  It makes me happy.  I just can't stop smiling today.  Yes, I'm still thrilled about last night.  And I got rejected.  Amazing, huh?  This peace...it must be coming from God.  I think that talk was exactly what I needed.  And I have to say, I'm super proud of myself for not chickening out and just telling him everything.  I have my best friend, and I have no more secrets.  Therefore, I am good. :)

Two, because the Facebook pirate lanuage? It's AWESOME!  Seriously, try it out.  It's hysterical.  I may never go back to English ever again. 

This weekend is fantastic.  Hope you're having a wonderful weekend, as well!

Today would be my dad's 49th birthday. RIP Daddy. I love you. 49 doesn't seem so old when the person isn't here to experience it...

Massive Change of Plans

That talk with Matt?

It happened tonight.

On Facebook chat. (Completely and totally romantic, I know.) 

A completely spur of the moment decision.  That I am so glad I made.

I told him everything.

And he rejected it.

BUT in the kindest, most gentle, loving way possible.

He said that he can't date me because to him, I'm his sister. He just can't do that.  And even if he could, he refuses to risk losing me because if/when the relationship ended, things would inevitably go sour because "that's what always happens with his exes" and he won't risk losing me and what we have for that. 

Also, and this made me laugh a little:  "I'm too innocent." :)  He wants to protect me.

So yeah, even though things didn't turn out exactly how I wanted them to, I can't stop smiling.  Because I have the most amazing best friend in the world, and I'm no longer hiding anything from him. 

I feel very loved by him, and very grateful to God for blessing me with a friend like this.

Always Wear Sunscreen

I don't have anything to say today.  Big shock, I know.  :)  So instead, I decided I would share wiith you something my lovely friend Laura told me about.  It's called "Always Wear Sunscreen."  I'm not sure who wrote it; all I know is that it was originally a graduation speech, and the great Baz Luhrmann put it to music.  I love it.  So enjoy.

----------

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of __...Wear sunscreen.


If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind, you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded, but trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall, in a way you can't grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked...You're not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind...the race is long, and in the end it's only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive; forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters; throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life...the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees - you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.  Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't.  Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary...Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either.  Your choices are half chance; so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can...don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance...even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines; they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents; you'll never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: price will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse, but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time it's 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.  Advice is a form of nostalgia; dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen...

Sunday.

Sunday.

Sunday.

Sunday.

My talk with Matt will be on Sunday.

I think (aka I hope) it's a good sign that I'm actually a lot more happy/excited about talking to him than I am nervous.  At the very least, it'll help the talk go much smoother.  As my friend said, peace is a beautiful thing, eh? :)

I had another great tutoring session with Ty tonight.  I love helping people, and he seems to genuinely appreciate me sitting there and going over everything with him.  Tonight lasted an hour and 45 minutes which, granted, probably didn't do much to help this migraine I haven't been able to shake, but it was so worth it.  Helping people makes me feel so happy and fulfilled.

My History teacher (I still want to call her my Western Civ teacher, haha) is still sick.  YAY!  According to her she "has the plague or something like it" and has been ordered to stay home.  I mean, I'm sorry she's so sick, but thanks to that, and the fact that my super-lax Lifetime Wellness teacher doesn't make us meet on Fridays, I don't have class till 1:00.  In the world of a college student, my friends, that is AWESOME!  Let me tell ya, I am so going to enjoy not having to get up at 7:30 tomorrow.

So yeah, all in all, today is pretty awesome. 

I'm doing it!

At the encouragement of some good friends,

I'm gonna do it.

I'm telling Matt everything.

Everything.

And praying to God that things turn out okay.

Frankly, I'm not even that worried about rejection.

But anyway....

I'll let you know what happens.

Interesting Turn of Events

Matt and Simone broke up.

And judging by his few comments tonight about the whole thing, I don't think the breakup was his idea at all.

:(

It absolutely kills me to know he's in so much pain right now and I can't be there with him. 

However, at least he knows I'm always here to listen to him.

This kid seriously would not hurt a fly, and yet somehow he ends up falling for girl after girl after girl who all treat him like crap. 

It just seems so unfair.

But that's life, I guess.

I suppose all I can do is be there for him to listen and support him.  And pray for him.  I can tell he honestly did care, and considering what he said about how fantastic things were between them just yesterday, I can't imagine how completely blindsided he feels right now. 

I'm trying not to jinx it...

But maybe...

Just maybe...

Something might be going right for me in the medical department.

Remember how I told you that the average healing time from Bell's Palsy is 3-6 months?

And you know how it's only been 16 days since I was diagnosed?

Well guess what I realized this morning?

I already have some of the movement back in my face.

Sixteen days, people.

Six. teen.

Do you KNOW how awesome that is?!

So despite that every possible thing seemed to be going wrong today,

there's always something to be grateful for.

I am nothing if not a fighter.

Today...I hurt.

I feel crushed.

I feel like a fool.  Like I got played.  Like I should've seen this coming and not invested my time.

When stuff like this happens, my first instinct is to blame myself.  Partially because I'm far too hard on myself most of the time, and partially because the other person in this situation (every time this has happened in the past, as well) tells me it's my fault.  I drove them away.  I screwed up.  It's my fault, not theirs.

So at first, I believe them.  And I'll be honest, right now I still sort of feel like if I had done things differently, then maybe Jay wouldn't have said what he said.  But in the end, I know I can't change what he did.  I didn't make him lead me on.  I didn't make him say all the things he said to me yesterday.  This is not my fault. 

The worst part about this?  I still wish I could have him back.  When someone hurts me, that doesn't erase the love, heart, and time I had invested.  I still care about him, and I know I will for a while.  And the fact that I still care makes me wish I had the Jay I was falling for back.  The guy who seriously seemed like he cared about me, too.  The guy who said that he wished he was here to protect me, to "flip out on anyone that messed with me".  Where is that guy?

Matt said something that resonated with me yesterday, though.  I was talking to him about this, and at one point I said it makes me feel like a failure, like I screwed up somehow.  He said, "You're a good person.  People view you as a problem because you're not two-faced.  You're not dramatic.  You don't lie.  People have a tendency to want to hang out with people like them.  It's not your problem.  It's his."  I think he's on to something.  I'm not like Jay's friends, and you know, I like that.  I like that I care about people 110%.  I like that I'm honest to a fault.  I like that I'm not a party girl.  I like who I am.  I just have to find people who like it, too. (Though that seems to be the difficulty here, haha!)

Going through this with Jay has made me work through the personal issues I have in my relationship with Matt, and I know that's a good thing.  I said before that the more I care about a person, the more I worry they don't actually care about me.  That's why I've questioned Matt so much.  But I realized in the aftermath of this that Matt is the one person who's never treated me badly, and he's the one person who's actually never given me reason to question our friendship.  So me questioning him more than anyone else is just wrong.  It's not fair to him as a friend, and it's not fair to my own peace of mind.  I told him that I was going to stop questioning him from now on for that reason.  The best part of our conversation yesterday was when I apologized for giving him so much crap to deal with and he said, "You really don't give me that much to put up with.  It's usually either some random medical problem that you seem to be the only person in the world to get, or it's family issues.  That's nothing."  Like he doesn't even remember all the times I've questioned him and whether or not he cares about me.  As a friend so plainly put it to me today, that's what love is. It's beautiful.  So I guess I can thank Jay for bringing me to this realization.

But anyway, the point I was trying to get to with this rambling post is this:  I hurt badly right now, but I will be okay.  I'm a fighter.  And no matter what Jay (or anyone else) may say about me, I am beautiful.  I am worthy.  And I will find a guy who loves me exactly the way I am, and I won't have anything to apologize for.

Till then, I've got Him. :)

Not What I Thought

Jay was...not what I thought.

Maybe God is trying to show me He'll take away everyone around me till I realize/accept/learn I don't need anyone but Him.

Well, God, I get it.

The changes start NOW.

Like

If you're on Facebook, you've seen it.

The like button.

Some people use it incessantly.  They like everything.

I don't use it that much except for statuses.  Occasionally photos.  But that's it.

However, if life right now had a like button, I'd totally use it.

You know what the best part is?  I don't really have one big, specific reason why.

It's simple.  I'm finding that lately, I'm having lots of days where I'm just giddy.  Heartwarming, I-can't-stop-smiling giddy.

Maybe it's Jay.  (Yes, things with him are still very cute.)

Maybe it's that Mom didn't freak about the whole Honors thing.

Maybe it's Jared and Ty, the guys I'm helping in Science and French.

Maybe it's just that I'm at college, free and basically removed from Chelsea and her drama.

No matter what it is, things are just simply great right now.

And I like it.

A lot.

:)

It's a beautiful day!

Last night, I watched the Dateline special on Gabrielle Giffords (the AZ Congresswoman that got shot) and her husband, NASA Astronaut Mark Kelly.  It was beautiful, tear-jerking, heartwarming, and just simply inspiring.  In that special, they talked about how Gabrielle sent Mark the song "Beautiful Day" while he was in space to wake him up in the morning (don't ask me how they do that).  And so now that she's been in the hospital, he plays that song for her. AWWWWWW. :D

That song has been in my head today because today has simply been beautiful.  I talked to my advisor, Dr. Thornton, and the Honors professor, and I've officially decided to drop this whole Honors thing.  Dr. Thornton especially backs me up after I explained to him my thoughts.  I tried telling Mom, but she hasn't answered me.  I'm mostly just proud that I've stood up and made my own decision and am not letting Mom make this decision for me.  Life is too short to spend 4 years in a program that's really not that important where I'm miserable just because she wants me to be in it.

With that one less thing to worry about, I am determined to at least get a French minor, possibly a double major.  Dr. Steegar, my French professor, thinks that's a fantastic idea.  Dr. Thornton was a French minor in college, too, and he told me that having a major focus language like this is really smart, and French speakers are very valuable nowadays, especially at the UN (where I want to work!!!).

Also regarding French, today before class I was talking with Tyler, the guy in my French class that I helped study for the final last semester.  I told him that my offer was still good for this semester (as long as he didn't become a giant jerk, haha), and a few minutes later, he asked me if I could meet with him every single week to essentially tutor him. This makes today beautiful because, in case you hadn't figured this out yet (wink wink), I love helping people!  And Tyler is a nice guy, and since this was his idea, I don't think I'll be wasting my time.

On top of all of this, the weather outside today was amazing!  I didn't even need a sweatshirt by the afternoon. I wish that today was how it felt all year long.

So yes, today is beautiful.

Argh.

I am 18 years old.

I should be able to make my own decisions (within reason), right?

Well, I'm in a bit of a....dilemma.

I'm in this Honors program here at Campbell.  Pretty much the only reason I agreed to do it was because my mom bugged me into it by saying it would look really good for grad school.  Which I got that.

I missed the first class last semester when I dropped it because of my foot issues, and today we had the first meeting of the second half of the semester.

This entire semester is made up of nothing but service projects.  That's it.

And, to be blunt, I don't want to waste hours upon hours that I could use to study for classes that I actually have to have to graduate on service projects that are not going to make that big of a difference when I'm applying to grad school.

I'd rather spend the little extra time I have taking extra classes to get my double major in French.  Maybe this makes me sound selfish, and I don't want it to, but it's the truth.

Here's where my dilemma comes in:  I have no idea how I'm going to convince Mom to let me quit this.  She is unbelievably talented at buttering people up and twisting their arms until they have no choice but to do exactly what she wants them to do.  And I don't like confrontation.  Actually, I despise it.  Especially with her.

I tried to talk to her tonight, but she must have forgotten to turn her ringer back on or something.  Oh well, I have till February 4th to drop this without a grade.  So we'll see what happens.

Why can't I trust?

I don't think it's any secret that I have trust issues.

With people outside of this computer, anyway.

I've been, needless to say, screwed over so many times in my life that I have a hard time trusting that anyone who seems like they care about me isn't going to break my heart or betray me in one way or another if I let them in.

But I think maybe perhaps I'm finally learning that not all people are so horrible.

Today, I had my first Science lab of the semester.  Our activity was to go over to a nearby lake and pick up trash so we could compare what was just trash and what was recyclable.  Well, thankfully this is college so most people had cars so we all just carpooled over there.  I rode over with a guy named Jared who saw me wandering around nervous to ask anyone (yes, I still get nervous around people I don't know) for a ride. 

We ended up spending the whole time talking as we walked around picking up garbage, and by the end of the lab, he gave me a ride back to my dorm because my back was killing me, and I offered to help him with any labs that he needed help with during the semester.  (Now before you get any ideas he's 28 and married. ;) haha)  It was really nice, though, and an experience I'm still not very used to.

I think part of my problem is that all throughout grade school, people didn't appreciate my intelligence or the fact that I liked helping others.  They saw my offers to help them on assignments as me being condescending, which was the exact opposite of my intentions.  If I talked or answered questions in class, I was showing off, and if I kept my mouth shut, I was too stuck up to bother talking to me.  So basically, I couldn't win.  This is probably the best thing about college - people are just slightly mature enough to accept help when they need it.  Getting the opportunity to help someone learn something leaves me feeling so fulfilled and happy.  I love it.  And for twelve long years I couldn't understand why no one realized that. 

This fear of being hurt seeped into my personal life outside of school, as well, but I have to say for a long time I had good reason.  I honestly can't tell you the number of times that people I went to school with would pretend to be my friend long enough to get me to trust them and tell them my secrets, only for them to turn around and tell those secrets to anyone who would harass me about them.  Really, guys, the first time I remember this happening was in first grade.  I was five. 

So by the time I got to high school, after the most brutal attack on my mind and spirit during my freshman year, I just stopped.  I stopped talking, I stopped trusting, I stopped believing in anyone and everyone.  That is, except for Matt.  For some unexplainable reason at the time, he was the one person I could let myself talk to.  That's how he quickly became my best friend - because he was the only friend I had. 

But even then, as much as I did and still do appreciate who he is to me and for me, I struggle with the little voice in the back of my head (satan?!?!) that has told me several times that he will be just like all the others.  That he doesn't care about me, either.  That I'm setting myself up for heartbreak.  And I can't figure out why I still have that voice, why I still bother even hearing that voice, after he's been there to listen to all my fears and still tell me he absolutely does care about me.  I thought after we had that talk last month that that voice was gone.  You have no idea how badly I wish it wasn't here anymore.  But at least once a year, I get that unnerving fear.  And every single time I say anything about it to Matt, he listens and reassures me. 

Why isn't that enough?

Why isn't praying to God to protect my heart enough? 

Why is it so unbelievably difficult for me to trust the one person who has never lied to me or betrayed me, the person who I could trust in when I couldn't even trust my own family?

My love language has always been words of affirmation.  I crave hearing that someone cares about me.  I thrive on simply hearing that someone loves, appreciates, or needs me.  And yet, it seems like the more I care about a person, the harder it is for me to believe them.

Wow.  I have no idea where that came from...

I've come to a realization.

I am one of those people that is just not meant to live alone.

I enjoy my privacy and whatnot, but the silence can be a little....deafening.

That's part of the reason why I think it'd be good for me and Holly to have an apartment next year.  I'd get my own room, and my own bathroom, and wouldn't be completely alone.

It's just weird going from living with my mom, a very loud Chelsea, and a very loud Blake to nothing, you know?

Plus, there's the fact that I'm the girl who gets a little paranoid in the silence that there's something bad behind the door, especially if it's dark.  Sounds weird, yes.  I blame it on Holly making me watch too many Unsolved Mysteries episodes when I was little. 

Of course, there's the giant paradox that Law & Order: SVU is one of my favorite shows, but that's life, right?

In other news, this weekend was lovely.  I slept a lot, I read a chapter for History, and mostly enjoyed myself. :)

Yay college!

Quitting the Addiction

1 day down.

I did not sleep well last night.  At all.

It was probably subconscious nerves.

I didn't actually feel nervous, but between not being able to sleep despite being completely exhausted, and the fact that I woke up with an upset stomach that was gone by this afternoon, it's the best guess.

I suppose another part of the exhaustion problem is that I have not drank any caffeine since this whole Bell's Palsy thing showed up.  It messed up my taste buds, so every time I tried Coke, it tasted like soap.  Which is gross.  So I've basically been drinking nothing but water.

Let me tell you, quitting caffeine cold turkey like this is really hard.  But I think it'll be good for me.  Since it'll probably take months for the Bell's Palsy to go away, maybe by the time I've healed, the addiction will be gone.  And cutting out caffeine is a good step in trying to lose some weight.

It's just getting past the lack of energy boost that's gonna be a problem, but I believe I can do it!  Really, I don't have much of a choice.  Haha.

Classes were fine.  I had US History at 9:00 with one of my favorite professors.  I had her last spring for Western Civ I, and I'm so excited to have her again.  She did the typical introducing the syllabus thing, gave us our Pre-test that's standard protocol in the History department at Campbell, and then we were free to go.

After History, I went over to the bookstore and got all the books I need.  I'm very grateful for the worker there who saw me struggling to balance the giant stack of books and walk down the stairs at the same time and took all my books out of my hands for me and carried them to the register.  :)

At 11:00, I had Lifetime Wellness.  Fantastic first day.  The professor told us the basics of what is going on during the semester, explained that everything is on Blackboard, told us to print off a form from online and bring it to class on Monday.  We were literally there for 10 minutes.  The best parts about this class?  1) All the quizzes and tests are on Blackboard, and you get three tries to take each test.  There's pretty much no way not to get an A!  2) Because the professor is also the head track coach, we will almost never have class on Fridays because he'll be traveling. Woo hoo! :)

Normally at 1:00 on Fridays, I'll have French, but it was cancelled today for Drop/Add.  Have Dr. Steegar again, so that's awesome.  Since I didn't have French, I came back and took a nice, long nap. :)

3,724 miles.

I'm going to be 100% honest right now.  (Like that's much of anything different, right?)

My heart is in Liverpool.

I may be physically here at Campbell (and hooray for that!), but at the moment, my mind is not.  I want nothing more than to be back in Liverpool right now.

I miss the scenery.

I miss the weather.

But most of all, I miss the people.

The people I love in Liverpool have recently made it abundantly clear to me that sometimes distance has no effect whatsoever on friendship.  We may have an entire ocean between us, but they are some of my truest friends, and my world would be much darker without them.
My British family has sworn to me for the past two and a half years that if I ever do visit, I am staying with them, no questions asked.

This is Patrick ("Paddy"), Eleanor, Mum (Marie), me and Sara (there's also Chris, my dad) the day I arrived in July 2008.  I may have only lived with them for ten days, but they are my family. 

Eleanor and Sara are how I've always imagined sisters should be.

Mum treated me like her own daughter the second I walked in their (five-story!) house.

Dad was....well, he was a dad.

But Paddy was my brother, my protector, and my best friend there.

Day 1 and he let me wear his clothes! 

Of course, there are friends like Jay

and Chris ("Willow")

and Luke

and Dom and Patch

that are there for me, too.  Not once did I feel like a freak, an outcast, or a loner at the hands of these kids.    (The American kids on the trip, not so much, but it's whatever.)

I feel in my heart that I belong there. 

That's all there is to it.

University of Liverpool for grad school, anyone? :)

3,724 miles.

That's all that's separating me and where I feel I should be.

Cross your fingers!

My mom moved my appointment tomorrow to 10:45 because if I get cleared to go back to school (which I totally should), my grandma shouldn't have to be driving on still-not-very-good roads late at night to come home.

I'm so excited.

And so ready to be back at Campbell.

And so nervous that we'll put all my stuff in my grandma's car, get to my ENT, and she'll have some bizarre reason for telling me not to leave.

The good news is classes were cancelled today because of the weather, so as long I get back tomorrow, I'll have only missed one day.

I'm tired.  Very, very tired.  And I still have to go pluck my eyebrows.  I better get on that!

Just What I Needed

When I'm stuck at home with nowhere to go...

When Chelsea's unmedicated and I'm scared to leave my room...

When I'm still working through all that this Bell's Palsy is going to entail over the next however many months...

Conversations with anyone who will make me laugh are exactly what I need.

Jay is being super sweet to me today.

I was talking to him about how worried I am about what people will say, and he was just so comforting and so sweet, that I actually started crying.

Like when he said "I'm lucky I don't go to college with you.  I'd probably get in trouble all the time for flipping out at anyone who says crap to you.  You don't deserve that." 

And I jokingly asked him "why are you so sweet to me?" and his reply was "the better question is, why are other people so mean to you?  I don't feel like I'm being sweet, I just feel like I'm being normal."

He was just the lift in my spirits I needed today.

Choosing to focus on the blessings, like amazing friends, today...

The Ironies of Snow in North Carolina

So today, we got snow.

Real snow.

Not pathetic snow, like the "storm" we got the day after Christmas.

Some sleet, too.

Mom's school was cancelled last night.

Here's the fun part:  New Bern didn't get a speck of snow.

That's what you gotta love about living on the coast of NC.

Snow is such an absolute anomaly around here that this is far from the first time that we've gotten school cancelled just at the prospect of snow.

Isn't it awesome? :)

I'm going to the ENT on Thursday.  Cross your fingers she'll clear me to go back to Campbell so I can leave on Saturday.

Okay, so maybe I was a smidge on the dramatic side.

I'm still 18 years old, people.

In general, yes, I am rather mature for my age.

But I still freak out like your average teenager sometimes.

It takes me a day or two to be stupid and pity myself, and then I get over it.

It's how it was with all the Duke stuff last fall.

But yeah, sorry about that.

I'll be fine.

I always am.

For now, though, I'm going to eat lemon rosemary chicken! YUM! :D

I'm trying really hard to have faith.

I really am.

You have to know that much.

But after what's happened today, it's just shaking.

Last night, my mom was picking on me because she said I was talking out of the side of my mouth like I'd "had a stroke or something". 

I didn't feel anything or notice anything, so I just blew it off and thought she was being silly.

Well, I got up this morning, and when I went to brush my teeth, the entire right side of my mouth and the muscles in that cheek wouldn't move.  At all.  As hard as I tried, every time I tried to smile, it was a half-smile.

I went out with my grandma, mentioned it to her, and got no sympathy or conern, and just thought "whatever, I'll see what Mom says when she gets home."

By the time I got back to the house about 2:30, it was nearly impossible to close my right eyelid.  When I tried to eat, the right side of my mouth would not move out of the way.

Talk about creepy.

Mom was judging senior presentations at school, so I certainly was not going to bother her there, until Chelsea got so freaked out by all my symptoms that she called Mom, and Mom called her back soon after she was done with everything and Chelsea told her all the symptoms.  She called my grandma, and my grandma took me to my mom, and we went straight to the hospital.

My mom had called my neurosurgeon Dr. F's partner Dr. G on the way and he suggested she take me to Craven because a) it's a Trauma Center and b) if it's a stroke, time and somewhere local is more important than her driving me all the way to Duke.

We spent from about 3:45 to about 7:30 at the hospital to find out I have something called Bell's Palsy.

The good news?  It's nothing serious or life-threatening and there's a ton of meds they're giving me.

The bad news?  It takes 3-6 months to go away, and the symptoms are just about the last thing an 18-year-old going to college wants to deal with when she already has people making fun of her.

If jerks would make fun of me because I had no hair, how do you think they'll react when they see a girl who can't move half her face?

A girl whose eye is cloudy, bloodshot, droopy and almost completely uncontrollable?

A girl who excessively drools all the time?

A girl who can't bite into anything normally?

At first I was trying to laugh it off as Mom and I were reading about all the symptoms, but now I'm just...sad.

I'm tired of being the freak.

I'm tired of being the girl who draws attention to herself.

I'm tired of  being the girl who gets made fun of.

Most of all, I am so, so, so tired of being the girl with all the medical problems.

Trust me, I don't need to hear anything about how God loves me, and I'll be okay, and I can pray and all that.  It sounds harsh, but that's all already come to mind.  I appreciate the prayers you guys have for me, more than you know.  I'm just exhausted, in every sense of the word.

They say that God will never give you more than you can handle.

I'm really starting to wish God didn't think I could handle so much...

Speak softly and carry a big stick.

Or in my case, speak loudly and try not to beat the crap out of yourself by tripping from your dizziness.

Yeah, that just doesn't roll off the tongue quite as nicely, does it? :)

I went back to the doctor today.

As I suspected, my ears are still majorly infected.

They gave me a second antibiotic, plus a steroid, plus two shots in my butt. (OW!)

Normally, there's not a need to be so aggressive, but I should've turned the corner by now and I haven't,

plus there's the whole issue of I'm leaving the day after tomorrow.

Ah, college.

I just hope I have my hearing back before classes start on Wednesday.

Stupid Blogger.

Something was up with the website yesterday, so I couldn't blog even though I wanted to.

But whatever.

In 2011, I'm not taking the whole "post every day" thing seriously.

Basically, I feel like crap.

Still.

My ears are still hurting.

The muscles in my face around my ears are still spazzing and throbbing.

I still can't hear.

I'm still miserable.

So I called on my way to Raleigh today and am going back to my family doctor tomorrow.

I texted my mom this and I guess when she got out of work she also called and talked to my doc (I saw the FNP Monday), and the doc said that when the infection's bad, it can take longer than usual to respond to the antibiotics.

Which is understandable.

I just need to know that it's actually responding. 

Because it doesn't feel like anything has changed.

And I leave for Campbell on Sunday.  Where our medical staff is, frankly, rather incompetent.

So I can't go off still feeling like this without knowing that I will turn the corner soon.

Because seriously, this really freaking bites.

Plus, I started wheezing yesterday morning, something I had done on Monday or in the days up till Monday, so it's really just a crappy situation all around.

In other news, I went to Raleigh today to see my migraine doc.

She put me on a daily migraine med to see if that helps because I'm still having migraines all the time.

And, knowing how important school is and the fact that my hometown, on the few occasions I'm home during the semester, is about 3 hours away from Raleigh, she said she will treat me over the phone till the summer.  Which is awesome, and not something many doctors will do.  Did I mention I really like this woman? :)

Well, I'm off to bed, hoping and praying that I don't wake up every hour like I have for the past four nights.

And watch, I just jinxed myself...

Say what?

Huh?

Excuse me?

Can you repeat that?

What the heck did you say?!

That is what my day has been full of.

Such is the life of a girl who has cotton balls in her ears.

I thought my ear drums had to have perforated, what with all the liquid that has been draining out of them.

Until my mom and Chelsea told me that when your ear drums perforate, the pain goes away.

And let me tell you, my friends - the pain in my ears has certainly not gone away. 

Now, it's gotten to the point that even my ear lobe is sore because of the pressure of the fluid and the cotton balls being shoved in there.

Did I mention this ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY SUCKS?!?!

Whining will end when the pain does.  Scout's Honor.

(I never was a Scout, though, but that's beside the point...)

Now THIS?! Seriously?!

First, it was bronchitis.

Then, it was a killer cold.

And now?  Less than a week before I have to go back to Campbell?

I have raging double ear infections.

Something I haven't had since I was like 2.

I got literally like an hour and a half of sleep last night because I was in such excruciating pain.

Now, I have even more sympathy for Blake than I did before because this absolutely sucks.  And at least I'm old enough to understand why it hurts so bad.

Sigh.  This break is officially going in the crappy column.

"I'm borderline scared of you. I don't know if I should say anything."

Myrtle Beach for New Year's 2011 was...not great, but a lot better than I expected.  Let's start from the beginning, shall we?

Thursday:

My mom took her sweet time getting out of bed.  We didn't leave till after 2:30, so I spent the morning reading

I started

on the way there.  When we arrived in Myrtle Beach around 6:30, we met my grandma at

for a good helping of German food.  My chicken schnitzel was delicious.  Then, we went to the movies and saw

which was HILARIOUS!  Ben Stiller and Robert De Niro are the perfect match.  Then, we went back to the condo, appropriately named "The Beach House," and unpacked and later went to bed.

Friday:

We were lazy most of the day on Friday, which seemed really stupid to me since we were only there for a day and a half, but I didn't really have much say in the matter.  I spent most of the day either reading or playing cards with my grandma.

For dinner, we went to

I told my mother we couldn't not go to Dick's Last Resort for New Year's Eve.  It's become a bit of a tradition.  Our waiter was a guy named Tuck.  He was awesome.  I spent most of the meal flirting with him, and when he gave me crap, I gave it back tenfold.  That led him to tell me, when I was teasing him that he better give me something good on my paper hat, "I'm borderline scared of you.  I don't know if I should say anything."  You know you're good when you can get a Dick's waiter to say that.  This



is what Tuck

came up with.  I found it ironic because it's kind of the polar opposite of me. :)  That's the fun of Dick's.  Oh, and please excuse his middle finger.  He was trying to be "bad ass".  The hats are quite entertaining, I have to tell ya - this is what we did with Mom's later on in the meal.

After dinner at Dick's, we went to the Alabama Theatre

for the last night of their Christmas show.  The singing was phenomenal, and the dancing was like a collection of professionals from Dancing with the Stars (like them, not actually them), but the show was just too. darn. long.  It started at 9:15, and at intermission about 10:30 I went out and asked an usher how long the show was, and she told me it wouldn't be over till at least 12:30.  I cringed, mostly because the loud music and the flashing lights gave me an excruciating migraine.  Thankfully, Blake got incredibly restless so we left about 11:30.  We went back to the condo and watched Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve and played a bit more cards, then went to bed.

Today was kind of nothing because all we did was get up, pack, and leave.  On the way home, we stopped and saw my Uncle Ed and Aunt Dinah, and later my Grandma Frances.

The most awesome thing about seeing my Uncle Ed, though, was that he told me about this Rotary Scholarship he thinks I should apply for and have a pretty good shot at.  It's $25,000 and sends the winner on a year-long study abroad.  How cool is that?!?!  That would be such a dream come true!!!  He's going to contact the woman that kind of leads the nominating and awarding of this scholarship, and she'll contact me, but I'll keep you updated. ;)  I finished my William & Harry book on the way home.

We got home a little before 5:00, and my friend Shanon came by for a few minutes and picked up her baby gifts.  She loved them, thank goodness, and apparently so did her husband.  Yay babies!

So yeah...that about sums up Thursday to Saturday.  Hope your New Year's weekend was fun!



WELCOME, 2011!

Woo hoo, the new year has finally arrived.

I am on my way back from Myrtle Beach today, and the recap will be coming tomorrow.

However, I just wanted to wish you all a wonderful year and let you know that I pray that you will be abundantly blessed.

Love and many hugs,