2009: A Year In Review

Wow. 2009 is already over.

I remember going into 2009 thinking it had to be so much better than 2008. I mean, I was graduating high school, and getting to go to college! Getting away from high school alone made this year better than last. But I never could have seen what happened this year coming.

All of the medical trauma I went through this year taught me a lot. It taught me strength, just how amazing my mom truly is, and most importantly, how vital faith in God really is. If, even at my lowest points, I didn't know that God was watching over me, I never would have made it through the past four and a half months. I know that for a fact. Yes, there have been times when I wondered, "Why me? Haven't I had enough?", but in my soul, I know that He has a reason for everything he's thrown at me this year. Just because I don't see the reason, that doesn't mean the reason isn't there.

This year isn't the first year that my family has been through a lot of crap. Living with someone who has mental problems that they don't want to get help for is never easy. It hasn't been for the past ten years. However, just like every other hardship in anyone's life, you get used to it. I love my sister, even if it's sometimes hard for me to remember that I do. Being around her 24/7 when I haven't been in the hospital has taught me a whole new level of Christ-like compassion.

As much as I love my family, and I know I would do anything in the world to protect them, I know I am past this town. The three weeks I spent at Campbell in September gave me a brand new idea of what is really out there waiting for me. I met people who immediately accepted me for who I am, something totally different than what I am used to. I had fun. I learned a lot. As Matt said when I was talking to him on the phone one day while I was there, "You sound happier than you've ever been." Because I was. I love my family, but they were toxic for my spirit. I love Campbell, and I can't wait to go back on January 10th.

Not only did I make instant friends at Campbell, there are also people here online that I have come to treasure more than a lot of people I know in real life. My mom calls the computer my obsession, and maybe it is, but I know that there are certain people I have met through this blog, Bloom, and other places on the internet that have changed my life and who I am as a person. I am immeasurably grateful for them and the jouurney that the friendships I have made have taken me on.

So yes, this year has been quite a journey. I have been through things that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but I realize that it's just a part of life. I have learned much, lived much, and loved much. I can't wait to see what 2010 has in store...

Normal

The bloodwork came back normal!
Yippee!
That means this pain is a result of both being on the Prednisone (a reaction to it) and tapering off of it (a withdrawal).
At least I know it's almost over!
This also means that there's nothing stopping me from moving back to Campbell in twelve days!

Finally, something is going right. :) We leave for Myrtle Beach tomorrow.

Results tomorrow.

The bloodwork is back, but my mom wants to have an appointment to hear the results, so we're going in tomorrow at 9:45.

I'm a little nervous, but whatever happens, happens. I talked to my aunt who is a nurse, and she says it sounds like it could be a Prednisone reaction. (Remember this post?) That would be SUPER, because it means this pain will go away when I finish the Prednisone on Wednesday. We can still go to Myrtle Beach from Wednesday-Saturday, and I can still go to Campbell on the 10th.

So we'll see. We'll see.

Christmas update

Sorry I haven't been on in a few days. This pain has been so horrible that I really haven't felt like doing anything.

Christmas was fine. The family got along pretty well. But I spent most of christmas Eve and Day sobbing, so that made it pretty bad for me.

I did, however, get some awesome gifts. I know that's not the reason for Christmas, but it did lift my mood.

The orange cell phone I got last month was the first thing.
I also got:
a dorm phone that lights up orange, so I won't have to go outside at Campbell every time I want to talk to someone, because my receeption in the dorm is really really bad.
three new pairs of pajamas
$140 (plus my mom paid me $800 that I had let her borrow so we could live while I was in the hospital)
and a 22" flat screen TV with built-in DVD player for my dorm. Mom took $100 off what she owed me for it, because it was expensive, but she later told me she's giving me $50 back because the dollar amount matches my sisters' presents that way. So SWEET.

I can't wait for Campbell. Now, if only this pain would go away. Test results will be in tomorrow or Tuesday. Mom says she's taking me back to the doctor tomorrow to see if we can get the results early because I end up screaming and sobbing on a daily basis.

But we'll see...I gotta get off this computer. Sitting up is not easy.

I'll be blunt.

I got blood drawn today.

I might have lupus.

I'll find out early next week.

Pray.

Breaks

They don't seem to be coming to me easily lately.
I went from brain surgeries
to GI problems
to more brain surgeries
to pneumonia and a collapsed lung
and now I have pleurisy that has got me sobbing on a regular basis.

I am taking all of my meds and doing all of the things docs have suggested for me to do to help it, and the pain gets worse by the day. It's now spread all the way to the center of my back from the right side. I used to think it took a lot of pain to get me to cry, but not with this. I cried for an hour straight earlier today. It really sucks. And I don't know why it's not getting at least a little better. It's got my mom worrying about whether I'm ready to go back to Campbell on the 10th, which is freaking me out in a totally new way.

Today, I got up at 6:30 and went to Mom's workday and helped her for 5 hours. We had to drop Chelsea at some doctor appointment beforehand, so we didn't get to the school till a little after 8, and we left at 1:15. I thought I was tired when I got there...hah! By the time those 5 hours were over, I could barely walk to the car and wouldn't even go to this new Mexican restaurant that Mom wanted to take me to. Me turning down Mexican food is RARE.

I've done nothing all day but writhe and sob in pain and try to distract myself with Law and Order: SVU. So yep. Prayers would be great. :/

Oh, and one last thing...Yesterday when Mom and I were going to withdraw money from her bank, we saw this nice car in the parking lot, a Chrysler Sebring. A girl named Jenny owns the car. You wanna know how I know? She had emblazoned "Princess Jenny" across the top of the windshield in pink cursive. (I don't know if emblazoned is the right word, but I like it.) Okay, in how many different languages can you say TACKY? The only way that's not actually tacky is if you were actually a royal princess, and even then, it's a little iffy. Seriously. Haha.

Okay, that's it. Night all.

In the end..

I proved myself right.

Today was okay emotionally, but tonight reached a whole new level of suckiness.

Mom ended up not going to her workday because she didn't feel good and it was optional, so we left in time to get some food and make it to my 12:00 orthodontist appointment. The appointment went fine, but there are two teeth that still aren't straightening out. If they don't by my next appointment, I have to get braces on some of my top teeth. Definitely do not want braces again, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I wanted to set up my next appointment for sometime during my Spring Break March 8-12, since that is the only break I have in the near future, but of course, that is the one week that my orthodontist is going to a conference. So we had to set it up for the following Monday, and it turned out okay because it's at 8:30, so I still might get back to Campbell in time for my real classes. All I'd miss is the Campbell Worship course, which is not that big of a deal. Haha. It's not like there's homework or anything. :P

After that, we went to see Rachel and Abby Grace. We didn't stay long, though, because her furniture is old so it's covered in residue from the cats she used to have, Rachel is sick, and Abby was about to go down for a nap. But it was still good and nice to see them.

Then, we went to Jacksonville and got money from my mom's bank. My mom (finally! yay!) paid back the money she owes me, minus the $100 for the TV I'm getting. (But what was even better is that tonight she told me after calculating how much she's spent on each of us for Christmas, I get $50 back!) We paid a few bills. Then, we went to Best Buy and looked at TVs. I got a really nice one by a company that Best Buy owns (Dynex?) that comes with a warranty, and it has a DVD player/slot in the side of it! It was only $20 more for the one with the DVD player, so I was like, heck yeah! We also bought an Ipod Dock and a car Ipod thing for Holly. And we looked to see if they had Dyson ball vacuums, but they're currently out. My mom is currently in love with that vacuum.

We went to Food Lion, and Walgreens, and then we came home. That was when hell broke loose. Chelsea was apparently supposed to meet her boyfriend in Jacksonville, and he never showed up (in his typical fashion), so she was in quite an evil mood. It went from her screaming because she had to help unload the stuff from the car, to the fact that Mom didn't bring her fast food, to her favorite thing: harassing me. She spent pretty much two straight hours, even as Holly came home, whining about how I don't do anything and that I'm using my pleurisy as an excuse to get out of work, and calling me horrible names.

Then, I finally snapped. I punched her on the arm, and she punched me five times in return (and then lied to Mom about it). I don't know why I did, and I honestly wish I hadn't. But you know what? I don't deserve this crap. I absolutely wish I could be better at dealing with her, but I am an emotional teenage girl who goes through more hell in one day than she has the slightest clue about, and I can't take it anymore. I never start fights. Ever. In fact, I rarely ever do anything back to her. I've taken her physical and verbal abuse for 10+ years, and I can't do it anymore. Is that an excuse? No. But I see it as more of a reason, in that if she would just leave me alone, I would never fight with her. I basically never speak to her and she lives to make my life hell. I'm done. I know I can't prove it to you all, since this is just the Internet, but I am a good person and I don't just start fights with people. I don't get the same sick enjoyment out of fighting as she does. I care about people. I usually end up crying and panicking when I think I've upset people like my mom or Holly. This is totally un-Christian, but my care for her is running out. I try and try and try to be nice to her, or at the very least ignore her, and it gets me nothing but a load of abuse. I know people who are so much better at this than me (you know who you are), and they'll probably want to tell me I need to learn to be a better Christian, but I am trying my best.

God, if there's a lesson in this hell, I hope You show it to me soon. I'm breaking down...

Not a good way to start the day.

So we're supposed to be going to my mom's workday today, a workday she NEEDS to be paid for. I get up at 7 because I take longer to get ready than she does. She tells me to get her up at 7:15.

7:15 it becomes 7:30.
7:30 becomes 7:40.
7:40 becomes 7:45.
7:45 becomes 8:00.
8:00 she SWEARS she'll get up at 8:15.

Well, guess who's still not out of bed.

And now I'm wide freaking awake.

I don't appreciate being lied to and led on, especially not this many times.

If this is any indication of how today is going to go, I am SO screwed.

Lots of random.

Chelsea is full of crap (like we didn't know that already). This guy she thinks she's going to marry finally, for once, didn't lie to her and actually showed up when he said he was going to. She goes from "Oh I'm going to slap him and break up with him when he gets here." to "Fine, Mallory, you're not invited to our wedding!" Gag me. Please. Now, I'm praying for the poor child that has to grow up with her as a mother. (And no lectures, please. I am SO not in the mood.)

Wrapped a lot of presents with my mom tonight. I like helping. But it was boring and really hurt my back.

Going to work with my mom tomorrow because I have an orthodontist appointment and it's in the same town that her school is in. I get to see Rachel and Abby Grace! :)

Holly's coming home tomorrow! Yay for that! I get to see a sane sister!

We're going to Myrtle Beach from December 30th to January 2nd. Oh. Joy.

Pleurisy SUCKS. This pain is absolutely horrible. And there's no real treatment for it. And it could go on for months.

3 weeks to Campbell! Hallelujah! (Did you notice my pretty countdown at the top of the page?) :)

Here's a secret about me.

When I was 8 years old, I told my mom I wanted to have a dozen children. I even made up names for all of them, too.

The number went down slowly over time.

But when these people...



came into the news world big time, my fascination with babies and large families came back full force. No, I didn't want to have as many children as them all of a sudden, but I did become fascinated with the Duggars.

I memorized their names in order.
I memorized their birthdays.
I watched the news to see when they would have another baby.

As I got older, I got smarter, as my mom called it. ;) I settled on the number 4 as the perfect number of kids for my future family. But I couldn't stop watching the Duggars in the news.

This family has sparked a lot of controversy. I get it. This many kids looks weird to a lot of people. But here's the way I see it... They support their kids. They don't take government money. They are using their TV show to announce the love and grace of God to the viewers. They are taking "trust God with all matters in your life" and living it out completely. Don't we all want to be like that?

In September, Michelle announced that they were expecting their 19th child on March 18th. At first, I thought it was a bit weird, since her daughter-in-law was also pregnant, and I don't get the "having babies while your kids are having babies" mentality, and then I realized how wrong I was for thinking that way. Who am I to decide when Michelle Duggar needs to stop having kids? They've obviously done a good job of raising the first 18. So what if I don't agree with their (as I call it) extreme Christian views? It's not my family, and it's obvious that they are doing the best they can the best they know how.

Once I got over my judgement of their choices, I thought it was really cool that she was due three days after Chelsea. And then...last week, Michelle had baby 19 14 weeks early. Little Josie Brooklyn Duggar. And my love for babies and baby names flourished once again.

Then, I began to pray for this family. So what if you think 19 is too many kids? So what if you think they're crazy Fundamentalists? There is a tiny, tiny baby in an Arkansas NICU who needs all the prayers she can get. She didn't ask to be born this early. She's got a long road ahead of her, and her parents do, too. It's not about what others think anymore. If this were someone's 1st or 2nd or 3rd child who was born this early, nobody would think twice about praying fervently.

I wish people would stop judging. It's not your life. Yes, they have gone on TV, but they are doing it with good hearts trying to spread the message of God and teach how a good marriage and caring parents can raise good kids, no matter how many kids you have. I wish Christians would see that.

So no, I may not always agree with them, but I will continue to admire and pray for Jim Bob, Michelle, Josh (and wife Anna and baby Mackynzie), Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, Jordyn-Grace (who is 1 year old today!), and especially baby Josie.


See, I told you I knew all their names. ;)

The epitome of boredom.

That is my life.
All day.
Every day.
I do nothing.
Unless it involves going to the doctor.
All I do it watch TV and wait for my mom to get home.
Thankfully, after tomorrow she will be on Christmas break.
January 10th.
January 10th.
January 10th.
Maybe I'll get to that date with an inch of my sanity.
And maybe this pure physical hell will end before then, too.
Please, God?

I'm sorry my blog is so dull and boring lately. It's hard to have creative posts when your life is this boring.

I'm so ready!

I have 25 days till I get to leave, and I CAN NOT WAIT!

Yes, I love Christmas.
Yes, I love my family.
But I want to get back to Campbell so badly!

Besides, nobody in my family is really in the Christmas spirit, not even my grandma, so it's not very exciting.

In fact, I got a confirmation email today that says my registration is confirmed and I have a spot in all my classes.

Monday

10:00 - 10:50: Campbell University Worship (CUW 100)

Monday-Wednesday-Friday

12:00 - 12:50: Intermediate French (French 102)
1:00 - 1:50: The National Government (Government 229)
2:00 - 2:50: Western Civilization I (History 111)

Tuesday-Thursday

9:30 - 10:50: Microeconomics (Economics 201)
11:00 - 12:20: Freshman Composition I (English 101)

Most of these were things I was supposed to take last semester. I went down to French 102 because a) 201 is only offered in the fall, b) I was super unsure that I could handle 202 being my first college class, c) I want to minor in French, so I could use the extra class credit hours, and d) hello! easy A! :)

Did I mention I'm excited?

-----

In other news, I feel like crap. It hurts to move. It hurts to hold my eyes open half the time. But I'm trying to stay awake in hopes that I'll be super tired tonight because last night was another night of little sleep. Blah.

I want a Mandarin Chicken salad from Wendy's. I hope Mom gets my text and brings me one home for dinner.

Upwards of one hundred.

That's how many times it feels like I've been put on Prednisone in the past year and a half.

My pain doctor put me back on it today because of the severe chest wall pain I'm having from the pleurisy. The docs at Duke told me a few days of Ibuprofen would take care of it. Well, they were wrong, evidently.

And to add to it, she told me to hold off on the weaning of the Oxycodone till we get this pain under control. Which means I'll have to deal with the rebound headaches even longer.

My headache and body pain were so bad last night that I cried for half an hour. If you know anything about me by now, you know that it takes an insanely high amount of pain to make me cry. As I told the doc today, the only times in recent memories I remember crying over pain were 1) when my shunt valve broke, 2) when I had the staph infection, and 3) when I had the referred pain from my collapsed lung.

My chest is tight like I'm wheezing from bad asthma trouble, but I'm barely wheezing at all, and you can only hear it with a stethoscope.

So let's hope this works, huh?

Headaches

They suck, in case you weren't totally aware of that.
Especially when you have them every day.
Even more so when they last all day.
But you know what takes the cake?
When they're so bad that you can't get out of bed, can't turn on the lights, can't do anything.

And I hate the fact that I'm having these headaches because I unwillingly became a drug addict after all the medical stuff I've been through in the past 4 months. Now, I'm trying to get off all the narcotics, and I'm stuck with often debilitating headaches and nausea. I will be completely off the drugs on January 1st thanks to the weaning schedule I put myself on. I just hope they won't still be so horrible once I'm back at Campbell.

I know I can handle headaches. I've had headaches basically every day for more than a year, and I've been fine.

But that doesn't make them suck any less.

Drama

I was planning on blogging yesterday. I really was. But family tension was through the roof, and after dinner I started sneezing and wheezing for hours, so I just didn't have it in me. I watched Julie & Julia with my mom and crashed. It was a good movie.

Those post ideas I mentioned are coming soon.

27 days and counting to Campbell! :)

Yay for adoptions!

One thing I forgot...Two prayer requests for bloggers I follow who are travelling either right now or in the very near future to pick up and take home their daughters:

Linn and her 16 year old daughter Emma are currently in China to get the daughter and sibling they have waited for for more than a year and a half, almost 8-year-old Jubilee Promise. Linn and her husband Dwight suffered from infertility, and have 3 biological and now 7 adopted children. Their oldest, Abi, and her hubby, Ryan, are going back to Uganda to adopt their first child, where Linn and Dwight's two youngest are from. This family has been on several missions trips, most-if not all- of them led by Dwight. They all have beautiful hearts, and I can not get enough of reading Linn's blog. I am rejoicing that they are finally going to get Jubilee.

Adrienne will soon be leaving for South Korea with her mother-in-law to get her daughter, a 1-year-old she and her husband have named Lily. Adrienne and Jim have a 4-year-old son named Owen, whom they adopted from Russia in June 2007. They have suffered 6 miscarriages and 2 failed domestic adoptions, and my heart has repeatedly broken for them in all they have suffered when they desperately wanted to have another child and give Owen a sibling. I am so excited that Adrienne gets the baby girl she has dreamed of for so long.

Please pray for them as they travel, that nothing will stop them as they both bring home the daughters they have loved and dreamed about for months. I appreciate it, and I know they will, too.

Home again.

Also titled: An insanely long post in which I frequently use parentheses.

Sadly, the stupid condo did not have internet, which means my blog posts for the month are going to be way down. But what can ya do? (Yes, I'm sure you all think it's weird that I care about how many posts I make in one month.)

Anyway, I know most of you will be thoroughly disappointed, but I forgot to bring a camera with me this week, so no pictures. (Sorry Jordan!) Then again, we didn't really do anything that warranted pictures, in my opinion. But I will give you a play-by-play of everything I remember from this week. (You'll just LOVE Tuesday.)

Sunday - I got up at 7:40 am and started doing laundry because I felt crappy Saturday and calculated that I could get all four loads done before my grandma came to pick me up. So yes, laundry, laundry, lunch, and more laundry. My grandma called early afternoon and said she wouldn't be by till about 4 because she still had to pack since she didn't want to do it while her sister was still at her house. So 4:00 comes, my grandma arrives, we get some food packed up, and we leave. We go to the grocery store and pick up some stuff that we didn't have at our house. Then we drive to our condo. It was less than 40 minutes, which was nice, and then we unpacked. We were on the top floor (the 3rd floor, so it's not like it was a long way up, haha) with an amazing view of the ocean.

Monday - We ate breakfast, played cards, watched The Price is Right, ate lunch, and played more cards. I had woken up feeling like my right shoulder and right ribs were breaking, which freaked me out because they were the things that hurt the worst when my lungs collapsed. (More on this later...) Then we put on our bathing suits, covered up in clothes, went for a short walk on the beach, and then went to the pool. I only swam a few laps before my shoulder pain got so bad I couldn't take it. So I got in the hot tub, thinking the jets would be good for both my shoulder and ribs. 15 minutes later, I got out and the pain was ten times as bad. So we didn't really do anything else that day except play more cards (California Rummy and Pay Me!, if you must know) and go to Michelangelo's Pizza for dinner. Also, I ended up taking a breathing treatment because my chest felt so tight, even though I wasn't wheezing.

Tuesday - We had to get up super early because my grandma wanted to leave by 8:00 for my 12:00 appointment at Duke. I woke up with chest pain and neck pain, along with my shoulder and ribs. So we ate breakfast, and left, and I read about the first half of The Last Song (which I loved so much that I now want to see the movie when it comes out, despite the fact that Miley Cyrus is playing the main character). Went to my neuro CT scan, and when I laid (lay? I never know the right tense to use) down on the CT table, it felt like my chest was collapsing in. then headed up to the 3rd floor to wait for my clinic appointment with Dr. Fuchs. We were so early that I had plenty of time to do lots more reading before I went back. Dr. Fuchs showed me the scan from today and the one from last month when I was still in the ER, and he told me that my shunt was working great and showed me that the ventricles were visibly smaller. (Yay!!!) Then, I told him about the pains and trouble breathing, so he told me to go to the ER and get a chest x-ray. So that's what we did and I was admitted quickly. Then, things slowed down. First, I had to wait for the doctor to come examine me. Then, I had to wait for pain meds (a long time!). Then, I had to wait for the chest x-ray results. I rejoiced that my lung was not collapsing again. That was normal, so the doc said he wanted to get bloodwork because since the x-ray was normal, they wanted to search for the reason for this pain. He said that if the test they were doing on the bloodwork came back negative, they'd give me some pain meds and let me go, but if it was positive, then that might indicate a blood clot in my lungs, so they would have to run another scan. Those results took an hour and a half, which we expected. All along, I'm texting back and forth with my mom trying to keep her calm enough not to drive all the way up to Duke until we know that something's wrong. The scan took half an hour, and the results took half an hour, but they were clean. (Another Hallelujah!) So basically 7 hours in the ER to find out I have pleurisy, inflammed lungs due to a germ infection that clears up on its own, and Ibuprofen will do the trick. Go figure, right? We got back to the condo just before 1 am and crashed.

Wednesday - My grandma got up at 9 and headed back to our town to get her hair done. I slept till noon when she got back. Then took a nap from 2 to 3:45. We played a game of cards, then I got a shower. For dinner, we went to Tsunami, a Japanese buffet restaurant. It is SO delicious. We played more cards and watched Law & Order: SVU. My grandma likes to watch certain TV shows every night, so it was great that she actually let me pick one for once. :)

Thursday - We relaxed in the morning and were planning on going to a place called The White Swan for lunch, but I got distracted by Law & Order: CI while my grandma was in the shower, so we didn't leave till 2:00, and the place closes at 2. (My grandma was not happy about this.) We ended up going to Bojangles for lunch, then to the Dollar Tree for candy and new decks of cards, and I sat in the car while my grandma snooped in some random store. Playing cards, a shower, and dinner were about all that happened after that. (The usual, you know?)

Friday - We basically did nothing up until 4:00 when we went to Belk. My grandma searched for sweatshirts (and nearly bought this hideous black shirt that had glittery Christmas presents on it), but was unsuccessful. Then we went to El Zarape for dinner. It was amazing. I've been to an El Zarape closer to my house, but this place was soooo much nicer. And just as delicious and same great prices (even better that night since my grandma had a coupon). Best meal of the week, that's for sure.

Today we did nothing but eat breakfast, clean up the condo (the stuff that everyone has to do the day they leave), and leave. SO good to be home.

Yes, I know this post was incredibly long, but I know you all are just so fascinated with my life that you want to know every detail about my vacation week. ;) I'll be back to normal posting tomorrow.

Two posts I have in mind: The Duggars and my plans for a family in the future.

For now, I plan on relaxing with my mommy. :) Laundry catch-up begins tomorrow.

Beach time!

Yes, I am leaving with my grandma to go to a timeshare she has on the beach tomorrow afternoon. I'll be gone for the whole week! I know it seems crazy that I'm going to the beach in December, but I'll be spending most of my time inside the condo. This is just good mostly because I desperately need a break from this house. I think it'll be nice for Mom and Chelsea, too, so call it a win-win-win. ;) I've had a massive rebound headache all day, since the pain clinic doc took me off the Oxycontin and put me on just Oxycodone to wean myself off of that, so I wasn't able to do any laundry today. But my mom has to get up at 8 because some guy is coming over to do work on the house, and we're not leaving till 3 or 4 in the afternoon, so I have plenty of time to do it all tomorrow. Okay, I'm going to bed. I'm not sure if the condo has the internet, but I'm bringing my computer, anyway. (For this, and to keep Chelsea from having reason to ransack my room trying to figure out the password to my computer. She would, too; she's done it before.) So I may be back soon, I may not. I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend!

My grandma rocks.

Not only is she letting me stay at her house for the day to get some relief from Chelsea,
AND is taking me to a condo on the beach for a week starting Sunday,
she's also taking me to get grouper for lunch today just because I said I was craving it.

Please be in prayer for my mom and me. There are a couple of serious and concerning situations (hers is worse) going on with us that I'm very nervous about. I can't share details yet, but I will in time. Thank you.

Fed Up

So I decided to spend all day out with my grandma and Chelsea because I thought that Chelsea was having an ultrasound today and I wanted to get a peek at Blake. A day full of crap, and no ultrasound since she's going to the high-risk doc next week. Just my luck. I get a day full of hearing how I'm rude and shouldn't be upset that Chelsea is harming and potentially killing Blake for nothing. *sigh*

I am just so fed up with being in this house. I still can't understand how first my mom, and then my grandma, can fuss at me because I'm mad at what Chelsea is doing. I'm TRYING to be nice. But them telling me that it shouldn't be bothering me is just...wrong. They're the ones enabling her to do this, and I'm speaking my mind and saying how much it upsets me, and I get yelled and fussed at. Someone, please tell me how that makes sense.

I'm so tired of getting yelled at for this. My grandmother actually asked me "Why does this upset you?" Uh, because I'm standing by watching my sister harm the nephew I already love, and I basically feel like I'm the only one who cares about him? How can I be getting yelled at for being scared about the well-being of my nephew?

I think I would be handling this better if she had at least made some attempt to cut down. But no. It's like the longer she's pregnant, the more she smokes. And then I have to listen to her say how much she loves Blake, and I don't get it. I'm tired of hearing her say over and over again that the next pack is her last pack. It never is. It's nauseating, to be honest.

Lastly, I realized that part of the reason I'm so scared something is going to happen to Blake is because I know that if something does go wrong, it could very easily destroy Chelsea. She's so emotionally and mentally fragile as it is; losing this baby could be the last straw. As angry as I am with her, I still love her.

I love my family to pieces, but I don't like being here. It makes me so depressed. I need to go back to Campbell, and 38 days is almost too long to wait.

On a side note, today is Holly's 22nd birthday. Happy birthday to her.

The New Me

I have no idea why it's taken me this long to upload pictures of my new look (since I shaved my head). Of course, it's much longer now than it was right after I did it, but this is the best I can do for you. Plus, these are pictures from Thanksgiving, so I get to show you how we looked that day, as well. Two birds with one stone, I suppose. So here ya go. :)

my mom and me. I'm wearing orange. There's a shock. :P

my mom, sisters, Uncle Ed, and me

my cousin Brianna and me. Can you believe this girl has gotten mistaken for my daughter on multiple occasions?

Chelsea, me, and Holly. Sorry this one's pretty blurry.

The pain clinic appointment was fine. Of course, I overslept because I had a hard time sleeping last night. And then, we were setting up the next appointment at the end with the doc (I've been seeing the PA) and not thinking, we set it up for February 4th, a day I'll be at college. But this doc is only there on Thursday, so I guess someone will have to come get me from Campbell on Wednesday and then take me back. Oh well. This is what happens when I haven't been at school all semester! :)

I'm going to try to stay awake today, in hopes that I'll sleep well tonight. Worth a shot, right? I just hope these stupid rebound headaches won't make me crash. Maybe working out today will give me a boost of energy.....Maybe? Hopefully?

39 days to Campbell! :)

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow!
I love ya, tomorrow.

Hahaha, no really.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my pain doctor. I've got to figure out what she wants me to do because my Oxycontin runs out Thursday morning. I don't know if she wants to write me more Oxycontin and wean off that (my mom's idea), or if she wants me to switch to Oxycodone and then wean off that (my idea). So we'll see. I'm not too worried about it, though my mom is even now afraid that I'm going to become some sort of drug addict. Which I understand why she's afraid, but I've had 16 surgeries, if I was going to become an addict, I'm pretty sure it would've happened already. I mean, I did manage to go from Oxycontin 3 times a day to twice a day on my own. Not really a sign of an addict. But we'll see.

I'm so tired. I'm watching The Santa Clause 3 right now (I can't believe I've never seen this before!), and plan to go to bed after it. Have to get up super early tomorrow for the appointment. My mom is taking me, and then my mom is picking me up afterwards so that my mom can go straight to work.

Today is Matt's 21st birthday. I called him not long after midnight to wish him a happy birthday. He actually seemed happy to hear my voice. But he's cramming for exams, so we really haven't talked much recently. Though there was one day over Thanksgiving Break that he actually called me, which was very weird for him, haha! There's things going on in my head about him that I'm still trying to sort out...It's all very weird. When or if I can figure it out I'll let you know.

Oh, and even though I was feeling pretty good after riding my bike, my back is now a mess. And I don't think it was very good for my ankle, either. But I'm going to keep on with it. It can only get easier, right?

Good night.

30 minutes down!

Rode the bike while watching "A Baby Story."

30 minutes.
10.58 miles.
336 calories burned.

JD, you know what that means for you! Hehehe.

I should probably take a shower soon because, of course, I'm soaked in sweat.
It didn't hurt my ankle too bad, either!

It was hard, but feels pretty good now. Yay for that!