Hey, soul sister.

Paige came to visit me today!  She heads back to the UK on Friday for another semester of Study Abroad, and we both knew that we had to get together before that happened.  So I went to Political Thought, and then met her at the Student Center for lunch.  She got there at about 12:20, and we sat and ate and caught up for about an hour before we had to head upstairs.

I had to have a meeting with the Dean of Students and someone from Student Success because, long story short, a whole lot of people are concerned about me and my seizures.  I don't really want to get into the details quite yet, nor do I want to rehash it right now.  Just know that a couple surprises were dropped, tears were shed, I'm SO glad that Paige was sitting in there with me so it didn't feel so 2-against-1, and nothing will be happening until after I see my doctor on Wednesday.

After that, we got a drink (hot chocolate for me, some weird tea thing I don't remember the name of for her) and sat outside and enjoyed the beautiful day and talked some more.  Mostly about boys. :)

Then it was French class!  You probably don't remember this, but I actually met Paige because I tutored her in French last spring.  So I took her to French class so she could see Dr. Steegar.  She spent half the time on her phone and the other half laughing at the stuff we were discussing.  Two thumbs up for that one.

At that point, it was about 4:00, and we weren't hungry for dinner, but she also didn't want to leave yet, so we went to the big courtyard area in front of the dining hall that's next to my dorm and literally just sprawled out on the grass and...talked.  We never run out of things to say! :)

Can't lay out on a beautiful day without taking a selfie!

The best part about our friendship is that we're complete and utter dorks and we're not afraid of it.

I had to go to the bathroom at one point (luckily those double doors behind me have a girl's bathroom behind them), and when I came back out, she was holding up her phone, and I said "Are you taking a picture of me?" And she said "Yes!"  So I posed.  Her caption on Facebook is "and she appeared, frolicking across the grass!"  Ha, graceful me.

We laid around outside until 5:00 when I was getting chilly (finally, I didn't wear a jacket all day) because the sun was behind clouds, and went in to Jole Mole to get some dinner.

Paige decided to take a picture of her dinner.  So I took a picture of her taking a picture of her dinner.  "They don't have things like this in Ireland!"  No, they don't.  They just have EVERYTHING ELSE.  

A picture on the way out, about 5:45 when she had to go.  I asked a football player that just so happened to be walking by if he'd take a picture for us, and he took two, waited to see what I thought, and then smiled and said "Be blessed!" as we parted ways.  Small things like that can just be the icing on the cake. :)

We prayed together before she headed out and as she left, I was simply thankful for those hours together and the fact that this is a friendship, similar to what I have with Ryann, that isn't defined or changed by the distance between us.  It's a real gift.

Tonight I just hung around, did some homework, watched TV, took a very long shower, caught up with a friend.  Around midnight (it's now 2 am), I should have gotten on here and blogged, but instead I ended up like this.

I texted Alexis, and since she was still awake, we ended up getting on FaceTime for another 45 minutes tonight.  I just was not having a good day mentally, and talking with her did a lot of good for my soul.  I am so thankful for modern technology.

The title is just what popped in my head.  I call Paige my "soul sister", and I'm starting to really think that Alexis is one, too.  Plus, I love that song. :)

Lifelines

Alexis is one of the sweet friends that I made while I was in Texas.  (I mentioned her in the recaps.)

Tonight, I am just so, so thankful for her and the fact that we were able to spend 35+ minutes on FaceTime.  I had texted her about some of the stuff I have coming up this week, and when she said that she wished she was here to give me a hug and pray with me in person, I asked her if we could have a phone/FaceTime prayer session, and it was a bigger gift than either of us could have predicted.

Before that conversation, I knew she was a friend, but after it, I knew she was a true sister.  She sat patiently and listened to me share my heart and didn't think any less of me when I told her I didn't really know what to say to God right now.  We laughed when I said I loved her and she responded, "You beat me to the punch!"  It was just so precious to have a face right in front of me (albeit through my phone screen) to remind me that I am not alone and that people all over are walking with me and praying for me through every step of this journey I am on.  I honestly couldn't even tell you everything that I shared with her.  I was so caught up in the conversation and the feeling of the presence of the Lord between us that I poured out whatever came to mind.

One thing I do remember, though, is telling her about the prayer that Bryce gave Tuesday night, and how several of my friends have told me how they have seen Christ in me during all of this and how knowing me has helped point them back to the Lord, and how it so often just baffles me that the people who love me, like Bryce and Austin and even her, Alexis, see so much good in me when I feel like a total disaster.  How I have such a hard time not focusing on my shortcomings despite being surrounded by so much encouragement and love and people whom I know are a clear manifestation of how actively and proudly and fiercely God loves me.  That was when my jaw (figuratively) hit the floor.

Alexis then shared with me the impact that our time together in Texas had on her.  She told me how God used our simple conversations to get her back where she knew she needed to be but had been running from.  And my mind was just blown.  If she hadn't bravely shared that with me, I never would have guessed that our connection had helped her in such a deep way.  What she had to say reminded me of something another friend asked me one day - if I would still be grateful for my life if I had no idea it helped people, if no one had ever told me what God had done for them through me.  And my answer now is still what I told that friend then...I don't know.  Ever since the night that I begged God to show me that the medical traumas I'd been through had a purpose, I have felt that purpose being revealed to me in the people who share information with me about how God has used me to help them.  It's stories like that that keep me from wanting to completely give up on this life, that pull me out of the low place when I'm screaming at God "PICK SOMEBODY ELSE!"  While yes, I have grown so much in learning where my identity is and letting God carry me through life and not relying on other people for any of that, there are still quite a few days that remembering God has used me and my life to help others that is just about the only thing that helps me to be okay with it.  It helps me not to be angry towards God and regretful about the life that He gave me.  I want to be used for His Kingdom.  Thinking of all the people who say that I have helped them keeps me focused on my purpose as a child of God.  It makes this mess make sense.  But I guess there's still a lot I have to do in fixing my perspective.

While I know and fully believe that God is everything and that He is enough all by Himself, I also fully believe that I could not survive without the family I have around me.  Maybe that's wrong of me, but these people?  My Reformation brothers, my other school friends, my church family, my Texas family, my blog friends.  They are my lifelines.  They are the encouragement I need to keep clinging to God when nothing makes sense and every other option in the world seems easier.  They are the ones who faithfully and patiently point me back to the God who saved me, no matter how many times I need to be reminded of it.  Just as they say that my faith has taught them and inspired them, I hope and pray that they know they teach me and inspire me every single day with every conversation.

I've said it a million times, and I'll say it every day for the rest of my life: we weren't meant to do this life alone.  And I am immeasurably blessed that I no longer have to.

Orange and Black

I love me some Gaylord.

Campbell proud, always and forever.

Sometimes you just need to sleep.

And to praise God for tomorrows, new mercies, and second chances.

Today was a long day.  I'm thankful for the opportunity to hole up and hide away from the world for a bit.

Tomorrow, it's Ed Gore Day.  So that should be fun, but it means being out and about and pretending everything is okay so as to not worry my family.  Which is going to be exhausting.

But for now, I lay back down and rest, praying for peace and comfort for my weary mind. Psalm 4:8

I know good people.

This guy is one of them.

His name is Chirag.  He's one of the soccer boys I met last semester through Bryce.

What was originally just supposed to be a lunch date with him turned into a heck of a lot more.  He and Justin spent a lot of time with me today, sitting with me in the ER after I injured my neck in another seizure, taking me to get a medication filled that will hopefully buy me time until I get to my doctor next week, getting me into my room where I had yet another seizure probably mostly due to my blood sugar crashing and the fact that I hadn't had the chance to take that medication yet.

When they first got to the ER, I jokingly asked them if they were sure they still wanted to be friends with me.  They laughed and said of course.  And when they said "I love you, too" when they left tonight, I knew that I didn't have to worry about a thing.  These guys are my friends, despite their first real time with me being so...dramatic.

One thing I'd love to thank @campbelledu for is introducing me to some of the best people I've ever known. The Campbell family is real.
— Mallory Jones (@_callmemal) January 17, 2014

Because we all need a little inspiration sometimes.

This year, I'm choosing to praise God every day for people who love me just as I am.  Who let me be crazy and think no less of me for it.  Who tell me to chase my dreams even when it seems completely illogical.  Who teach me what I need to hold on to and what I need to let go of.  Whose presence makes me appreciate every day as a reminder that tomorrow isn't promised.  Who see the good in me when I'm a mess but aren't afraid to tell me how I can be better.  The people who push me to my limits in the best way possible and are loyal to me when I get it all wrong.  

For my own sanity, I have to let go of the negativity, of the friendships I'd been trying to convince myself hadn't changed and weren't hurting me, and remind myself over and over again just how many incredible people surround me.  Because when I really stop to think about, the bad really is such a minority.

Blessing After Blessing

Well, my seizures are back.  I had four of them tonight, two in my night class (which is, ironically, Emergency Preparedness Management) and two outside my dorm when I got back from the hospital.  And I'm aggravated.  Really aggravated.  I thought I was past that, but instead, my seizure medicine has gotten below the normal level in my blood again.  I don't understand what is going on and why things just keep piling up on me.

But being aggravated gets me nowhere.  So I've been sitting here trying to figure out what to write for tonight's post, and I forced myself to look for the blessings, because I knew they had to be there.  And they were.  They are.

Like how before all this went down tonight, I got to have lunch with my friend Zack who asked if he could talk to the leaders of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes campus chapter to see if I could be one of their guest speakers because he said "people need to hear me".  And how I had dinner with Austin right before this night class and was able to pray over him.

And how a firefighter and two guys jumped right up from their desks and ran over as quickly as they could to help me as soon as I told my professor that one was coming on, despite them not even knowing my name.  Or just the fact that there were people who had dealt with seizures before in my class at all.

And how my professor wasn't mad at me.

And how I knew I needed to get my shunt checked out because I fell on that side of my head and slammed it into the hard floor when I started seizing before that firefighter could get to me, and when Mom unknowingly called me while I was in the ambulance, she didn't get mad at me.

And how Campus Safety took my bookbag and laptop to their office so I didn't have to worry about bringing it with me.

And how my vision cleared up before I got to the hospital.

And how I had a doctor I've never seen before, but he listened to me.

And how my shunt was okay, despite the center of the pain being right on top of the pump/valve in my head.

And how there was an actual reason behind this, that my seizure med is too low in my blood, and so I didn't feel crazy.

And how my soccer buddy, Justin, didn't mind coming out to pick me up at all, so that I didn't have to get charged by Campus Safety for a ride, even though this was the first night we'd spent any time together outside of the soccer games.  And he brought Bryce with him, so I got to see that sweet friend of mine.

And how Justin bought me food, even though I had money with me.

And how they came around to my side of the car to hug me when we got to my dorm, so I could sit back down when I felt bad again, and Bryce was right there to catch me.

And how two girls, Morgan and Heather, just so happened to be outside and see what was going on, and rushed to help.  And I had met Morgan briefly through church, and they ran to get a blanket and pillow from their room and helped Justin and Bryce the whole time.

And how the boys helped me get inside and the girls carried my stuff inside, and they didn't leave until they were sure I was okay.

And how the girls insisted that I borrow one of their fans, because my room felt stuffy to them.

And how before I insisted they all leave because it was 11:00 and they'd spent so much time taking care of me, we all joined hands for prayer.  And Bryce spoke for the group and nearly moved me to tears with what he said.  And I realized yet again that I do have friends, real friends, even in people I thought could never really love me.  And he didn't stop rubbing my hand the entire time.  And when he thanked God for the blessing that I am, I was forced to learn yet again that people see the good in me when I'm so much more inclined to focus on my shortcomings, and that my heart for my friends is noticed and appreciated, and that I can be a blessing even when so much craziness is going on in my life.

And how Zack texted me these verses while I was in the ER when I told him I couldn't go to FCA tonight, and they were exactly what I needed to hear.

"for the righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity." Proverbs 24:16

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand." Psalm 37:23-24

And lastly, how I'm sitting here with a smile on my face after a crazy, crazy night because I made myself search for the blessings.  God is good all the time.  All the time, God is good.

Day Brighteners

Despite hitting a major stress point in dealing with all this grad school stuff (long story short, Paris is out, Duke is in), I had a really good day.

Before Political Thought, I headed over to the bookstore and picked up most of the books for that class.  We're still waiting on the last two to come in, but those aren't even needed until after Spring Break, so it's not a big deal at all.

Political Thought is actually really interesting!  It doesn't seem nearly as frightening as people make it out to be. :)

After that, I went to have lunch with Jay.  I have so missed that kid!  He is, hands down, the most joyful person I know, and from day one, we have teased each other like we've known each other our entire lives.  But what was so awesome about today is we actually talked about some pretty deep stuff.  We dug into theology and stuff like the meaning of salvation and our view of who satan is and heaven and hell and whether hell exists and all this stuff that I've never actually had a straightforward, honest, 100% open conversation about.  It was really eye-opening and I learned a whole new perspective that I'd never considered before.  For reasons I won't get into, I didn't know if Jay would actually talk to me about stuff like this, and I'm really honored that he did.  And the best part of all that was that not only was it just a discussion with no arguing or anything like that, I totally enjoyed myself the entire time.  Something about that guy just makes me smile the entire time I'm around him.  What makes me smile most of all is that he told me to "keep Monday lunch" open.  So it looks like I may get to hang out with my buddy on a regular basis.

I headed inside D Rich (aka the building in which I live...or at least it feels that way some days), and ran right into another one of my Reformation brothers, Josh.  That just cracks me up, because when we were talking, he mentioned that he doesn't normally wander the halls waiting for a class to start like he was today, and being a Religion major he's not normally even in D Rich, but I guess this was just a sweet little blessing from God.  Josh and I didn't talk a lot last semester like I did with some of the other guys, but one of the great understood things about all of us from Reformation is that we love each other like family without needing to say it.  The whole group bonded as one big family.  And I've heard several people say that they miss it and that current classes aren't like that.

Josh is one of those guys who just refuses to smile normally for a picture.  I love it. :)

I was in D Rich to have meetings with several professors.  I saw Dr. Thornton and was able to really nail down the topic for my Senior Seminar paper.  I saw Dr. Mero and talked to him about the make-up papers I still have to do for The Presidency (I'm working, I'm working!).  And because the timing worked out right, I was able to stop by my Political Thought professor, Dr. Schroeder's office and talk to him about the paper for that class.  After he explained the expectations, I didn't even feel worried about it...but I make no promises as to whether or not that will change in the future.  Ha!

I went to the post office after that, and there I got another awesome surprise.  A few months ago, I got an email from the administration saying that I was one of a small group of students nominated for this "2014 Who's Who Among Students in American Universities & Colleges" thing.  All I had to do was fill out an application, and I would find out in January.  I figured there was no way I'd get it because my extra-curriculars list is pretty bare because of all the health stuff, but I decided to apply anyway because why not.  Well, I got it!  Mom was still at work at that point, so the first person I called was Matt.  Surprisingly, he answered the phone and even he'd heard of this, so it was sweet to hear how proud he was.  I really didn't think I'd get it, so it was a big boost to get that letter today.

I grabbed some hot chocolate from the Starbucks across the street and sat and enjoyed it before I headed to French class.  I didn't see Dr. Steegar all semester last fall, both due to the health stuff and because my Independent Study was writing a paper so it didn't call for much in-person activity, so it felt good to be back in his office for a regular class.  And I have Pam in there with me, so I'm not alone and I get to do it with an old friend. :)  Being in French class always puts a smile on my face.

And icing on the cake, I ran into James, yet another Reformation brother, on the way to dinner.  We briefly commiserated on the....fun of Senior Seminar papers ;) before he had to run, but it was still great to see him, too, and get a hug.

I wasn't feeling well today at all, but the Lord was so good to put so many things in my day to make me smile and be grateful and happy.  I especially loved getting to see and talk to several of my brothers.  I had a feeling things wouldn't change with us, but you just can never tell when you go from seeing each other regularly to seeing each other only by chance or when you carve out time for it.  But these are genuine, good guys, and I love that we're still close even now.

So yeah.  Today?  Two thumbs up.

Frustrated

This is not how I need my life to be going right now.

Praying to Jesus for some help, because I'm scared things are just going to keep slipping downhill.

But choosing to thank God for the support system He's placed around me through all of it.  I am surrounded by some crazy love, and it means more than I can ever say.

Sigh.

Today certainly did not turn out the way I expected or hoped.

Long story short, my head kept me from getting the vast majority of things I needed to get done done.

I'm going to try to get my Georgetown application done, but we'll see.

I may just go to bed because I have to get up at 7 tomorrow for church.

I'd appreciate your prayers.  I can't afford any more wasted days.  There's too much to be done and not enough time to do it.  I need every possible second.  Thanks.