Fifteen days early...I'll take it.

I got Christmas today.

It was out of sheer necessity, mind you.  My mom does not usually give out Christmas presents this far in advance unless it was like, tickets to an event that just so happened to take place before Christmas Day.

But anyway.  What I got was something that I completely did NOT expect to get it.  Because us "kids" are older now, there's usually no real surprise to Christmas presents anymore.  What we normally just get is cash, unless there's a specific gift that we request.  It's much simpler this way.

Back in the beginning of July, I told my mom that I wanted a new cell phone for Christmas.  The only real issue with mine (at the time) was that the screen was all scratched up.  Plus, to be honest, I was just tired of it.  My mom told me I was crazy to want a new one when this one worked fine, but I told her it wasn't like it was going to be expensive considering I'd had it for two years so there was a $150 upgrade credit given by Sprint.  She just said "We'll see" which is Mom-code for "Ehhh, probably not going to happen."

Over the course of the next few months, things started going wrong with my phone. (I promise I didn't sabotage it!)  It wouldn't hold a charge for very long.  If I tried to make a phone call without it plugged into the charger, which was basically the only way I COULD make a phone call seeing as how reception indoors sucks at Campbell, it would completely turn off randomly.  Just all sorts of random, not-good-for-a-phone-to-do things.  So I kept reminding my mom that I'd suck it up till December 25th, but I really wanted, and now sort of needed, a new cell phone for Christmas.

Well my mom walked into my room about 2:00 this afternoon with a bag and said, "Are you ready for Christmas?"  She pulled out EXACTLY what I asked for...except way better.

A smartphone. To be specific, an HTC Evo 4G.

See, when my mom first got us all our own cell phones, we had internet on our phones.  But it wasn't unlimited, and the very first month, Chelsea blew. up. her phone and made my mom's phone bill skyrocket for going so far above the limit.  So that was the end of that.  And through all the years since then, she said she was never going to get internet on her phone plan just so that could never happen again.

Heh.  Now Chelsea's getting married.  That means that her mommy isn't going to be paying her bills anymore.  Her phone has crapped out completely, so she desperately needed a new phone, too.  But because she will be moving onto Shane's Verizon plan in just a few months, Mom didn't want to buy her a new phone and have to commit to a contract which she would then have to break.  And apparently, Holly will soon be taking over her own phone bill, as well.

My mom found a Christmas special on Sprint's website, and with the previously mentioned $150 upgrade that I had, and that she had, as well, all she had to pay for two new Sprint smartphones for her and me was the $36 activation fee and the increase in cost for the new data plan.  Not too shabby considering these phones are $300-$400 each, eh?

I love this thing.  I haven't stopped playing with it all day.  I am so stoked that she thought of this. :D

Merry Christmas to me!

Started off right.

I'd love to tell you that my Christmas break was full of exciting plans from the very beginning.  I really would.

But no.

My official first day of vacation was mostly spent sleeping.

And it felt fantastic.

No responsibilities, no work, no babysitting. Nada.

Just catching up on the one thing that college students so frequently lack.  (Well, besides air conditioning if you live in Burkot.) 

I was awake for a bit this afternoon, and my allergies and chest were much better.  I avoided my mom's room, so I thought I'd be fine.

Heh.  Nope.  Apparently the living room makes me sick, too.  Mom's decided she needs to paint the fireplace wall (it's a different color than the rest of the walls) a new color, and she has to do it before she can put these new rugs she bought down and put up the Christmas tree.  So I was hanging out in there while she and Shane were getting the TV off the wall, and apparently that moved around too much dust.  This is going to be a long, sniffly month.  Oh well, she's trying.

Bruno sent me the new Vespers album last night, or at least what they have of it at its current stage of mixing.  It's absolutely incredible.  I can't wait to have the finished product, the physical copy in my hands, which will hopefully be in a few weeks.  Before I say what I'm about to say, I want to make something perfectly clear: I don't help them out for the attention, or for the free stuff.  I would still do everything I've done to help them already and whatever I do in the future if they never gave me anything but their words of thanks and appreciation.  I am honored to be a part of their "dream team," but I am also honored and grateful for the gifts, like being one of the few to hear these early mixes.  Sometimes, I even feel like I don't deserve things like this, but I realized that giving me a free t-shirt or sending me their early mixes is their way of saying thank you.  I just wanted to make sure you guys understand my heart and my reasons for doing what I do for them.

After I listened to all the songs, I DMed their tour manager Clint on Twitter.  He followed me a few weeks ago and told me thanks for helping with the Kickstarter campaign, and I was truly a little surprised that he knew about me.  He tweeted last night after he heard it about how good it was, and I replied "If this were Facebook, I'd totally like that." (haha), and he said "It's a great album. I can't wait for you to hear it."  I wasn't sure if he meant me specifically or like the fans as a whole.  But anyway, I DMed him to avoid any other fans possibly seeing it and getting jealous, just to tell him Bruno sent it and that I loved every song on it.  He sent me some incredibly kind messages back.  Even their tour manager appreciates me, yet I still sometimes feel like I haven't done that much for them to appreciate.. :)  I love helping people so much.  It makes me feel so fulfilled. (read from the bottom up)

Between that, the music, and getting some extra, really good sleep, I'd definitely say this vacation is off to a good start. :)

Insert relevant title here.

Wheezing sucks.  I wanted to spend time with Mom so badly, but hanging out in her room has made me wheeze.  Just like it always does.  You'd think I'd learn.  Darn dust.

You know what doesn't suck, though?  Going out to the living room when Mommom got home with Chelsea and Blake and having him run to me holding his arms out screaming "EEEEEEE!!!!!!!" and then giving me a giant hug when I picked him up.  That will never suck.

Apparently things between Mom and Chelsea are worse than ever, but frankly, right now, I don't even care.  I'm just glad to be on vacation.

Here's hoping a shower will help my chest to open back up.  Lesson learned.

At least for this break.

What can I say?  I'm thickheaded. ;)

The caption says it all.

Good friends are like stars. You don’t always see them, but you know they are always there.

That picture was taken tonight in the bookstore as I went with Ryann to return her books after our French final.  Said final was fine, pretty much exactly what I expected.  Well, it would've been exactly what I expected had I not forgotten that Dr. Steegar said he was going to surprise us with a topic to see if we could talk spontaneously.  But hey, I did fine, and I've never gotten anything below an A with Dr. Steegar, so whatever.

But the best news of the day isn't that MY FINALS ARE DONE!

It's not I'M OFFICIALLY A JUNIOR!

It's also not I GOT A 100 ON MY STATE & LOCAL FINAL!

It's RYANN IS COMING BACK TO CAMPBELL NEXT SEMESTER!!!!!

I am beyond relieved.  She says she may be leaving at the end of next semester, but at least this will give me time to get used to the idea if that's the case.  I was SO unprepared to say goodbye to her today.  I'm aware that I've mentioned about a BILLION times what this girl means to me, but I just want to say this:  In basically 9 months time, we went from barely speaking to each other to being like sisters.  And that blows. my. mind.  She said that the whole soccer disaster finally got resolved today, and while it's still completely bogus that she is being punished, it's better than her record being tarnished by being kicked off the team.  So yeah.  I didn't have to cry today.  That was nice.

I find it sweet but also very amusing that she and Elizabeth are still SO mad about the whole Nick thing, despite the fact that I've told them both I'm completely fine and they shouldn't worry about it.  Apparently I forgot to mention to Ryann that I was giving Nick another chance at being friends, and when I mentioned that to her as we were leaving the bookstore, she honest to God looked like she wanted to hit ME.  Ha!  They think I'm crazy, but it's just because they're so protective.  It's a good thing Nick already left campus because I'm pretty sure if he hadn't, she'd find him and "lay down the law about this second chance thing"...at least, that's what she threatened.  As did Elizabeth.  I'm still trying to get used to having girlfriends, friends that are this protective.  I mean, Matt's protective in a way, but he's kind of all bark and no bite.  I'm fairly certain these two would actually kick someone's ass if necessary.

So anyway, this picture is gonna be Ryann's Christmas present.  I texted her and let her know I emailed it to her like she asked me to and her reply a little while later was "OMG I LOVE THIS PICTURE!!!!!" And it's not like it's expensive to get two copies of a picture made at Walgreens. :)  And frames are easy to find. 

I've basically done nothing else today except eat and pack.  It felt really good to sleep in today.  Even though my earliest exams were at noon, I've gotten up early every day (like 7:30 or earlier) for one reason or another.  And I'm gonna be getting up relatively early tomorrow so I can finish packing and eat lunch before Mommom gets here and I have to check out at noon.

I'm not going to talk about the mixed emotions I have about going home for a month, because that wouldn't be happy.  Instead, I'm going to say this:

This was the perfect ending to this amazing semester.  Walking back to my dorm in the pouring rain and all.  It was perfect.  I love my life more and more every day.

HELLO JUNIOR YEAR!

I am not an angry person.

(Sorry about the first link, my mouse freaked out and it accidentally hit publish!  Beware, this is kind of big. And by big, I'm referring to its length.  It's huge.)

Like, seriously.

I do get mad, but I cannot stay mad.  

I hate being mad at people.  I want to fix it.  I cannot hate people.

One would think that I would hate all the people who bullied me for twelve years, who hurt me repeatedly, who are the reason why I still struggle with major trust issues, but nope.

I will always forgive you.

Case in point: That dude who interrupted my State & Local class to tell me to stop talking so much? A week later, I offered to take notes for him when he was missing class for a golf tournament, and now it's just like any other casual classmate relationship. I think it sort of blew his mind the first time after the incident that he said "Hey, how's it going?" and I smiled back and said "Hey, it's goin' all right, how are you?" And while sometimes I do think that my life would just be easier if I could blow off and ignore all the people who hurt me, deep down I am grateful that this is a gift God has blessed me with.

Oh, I promise, I'm going somewhere with this. I always am!

I got up at 7:30, worked on stuff to help me study for my Government exam, and went to go eat breakfast with Nick this morning at 9:00, just like he said.  9:15, he waltzes in the door with his bookbag and says "I can't stay.  I have to go study.  I was supposed to study last night but we ended up playing video games."  Now that excuse, I believe.  I do know a thing or two about boys.  It didn't occur to me till about 10 minutes later because I was so tired that I needed to talk to him, so I called him and by golly, he actually answered!  He told me to call him at 9:00 tonight because his English exam would probably take the entire 3 hours.  This was without me saying I wanted to talk to him about something; I just told him I wanted a make-up for the fact that I didn't get breakfast.  Which was sort of serious, and sort of a joke.

Pretty much immediately after I finished breakfast, I got a text from Ryann and on and off throughout the day, she and I talked about everything that was going down, and the more I talked to her about it, the more mad I got.  Like, I was really pissed, and that's big for me.  She originally suggested I just not say anything to him and act like this didn't bother me.  Once I explained to her that I had to say something or it was going to bug me like crazy and that I was doing this for me, though, she said she was proud of me and she understood.  But yeah.  She got me kind of fired up, in a really sweet and supportive way, if that makes any sense.  I don't think she was trying to get me angry about it, even though she was angry herself.

So anyway, I went on about my business, I checked with another guy I met in the dining hall yesterday about selling about selling my books to him (because the bookstore is a complete ripoff) and he took two of them, went and took my State & Local exam that was so easy I was out of that 12:00 exam at 12:10, went to the bookstore and returned the books they would take (because again, they are a RIPOFF), took all that money to the Business Office to go in my account for next semester's bills (since hey, it's not my money), and then came back and started on my French presentation for my (last!!!!) final tomorrow while texting Ryann whenever my phone decided to be nice and send me the texts. (Have I mentioned I really can't wait to get a new phone for Christmas? Because I can't. I'm so excited to get rid of this aggravating thing.)

Well, I temporarily forgot in all that madness that I made plans with Elizabeth yesterday to meet up tonight to sort through everything, but that was when I was expecting the talk with Nick to happen this morning.  But I went and had dinner with her anyway because a) I need to eat and b) she's awesome.  She also suggested I not do this because she was worried I'd ruin any chance of a friendship and just because that's how she'd handle it, but she, too, supported me when I explained to her that I felt I HAD to do this for my sanity's sake.  She and Ryann have both been absolutely amazingly supportive friends throughout this, even when Ryann is dealing with all of her own crap.

Anyway, here's where the juicy stuff happens. (Ha, and look how long this already is! Sorry!)

I called Nick just after 9:00 tonight, and what do ya know, he answered again! Except he needed to delay it by 30 minutes to an hour, because surprise surprise, he had just pulled in somewhere else.  All I told him was that I needed to talk to him in person and when he asked "Is there something I should know about?" all I said in reply was "Ummm, you'll see when you get here."  He said, "Ooookay." and I could tell he was kinda nervous.  So I gave him my dorm number (boo crappy Sprint reception) half expecting him not to call back, but he did about 9:45.  I met him outside and we went to go talk in Shouse.

I was trying really hard not to make the shaking my arms were doing from the nerves visible.  I hate confrontations about as much as I hate being mad at people.  On the upside, he let me get out what I needed to say, so that was a help.  The downside is that it took me twenty-five minutes to get a straightforward, no bullcrap, honest answer.  So that big chunk was basically me telling him in every way I could think of that I think he HAD to know that holding my hand when he knew I had feelings for him was flirtatious, that I've had a lot of guys play mind games with me and I felt like he was doing the same thing, that I want to be his friend but I'm not going to set myself up to get messed with and subsequently hurt, that if he couldn't give me a straight answer I didn't think we could be friends because I wouldn't be able to trust him, that if he really did care about me, he'd be honest, and oh so many other things because like I said, it was TWENTY FIVE MINUTES.  Of course, half the reason it took that long was because every time I'd finish a sentence he'd make some sarcastic but somehow hilarious remark that would completely make me lose my train of thought.  Finally, FINALLY, I managed to get out of him the following: "I held your hand all those times because I knew you had feelings for me and didn't know how to let you down gently."  And the part of me that thought that was a jackass thing to do was overshadowed by the part of me that thought it's a typical, immature, idiotic 19-year-old thing to do and the part of me that was just relieved I finally got a straight answer!

So then I had to explain to him that I need him to be HONEST with me if this friendship is going to work because I'd rather him be honest and hurt me for ten seconds than pull this crap and lead me on for the better part of a month.  And then he got antsy and he apologized and we got up because he's going home tonight and it's almost an hour away, but then somehow spent the next twenty minutes talking about all sorts of random things that you really don't need to know about.

What you do need to know is the realizations I came to from this monstrous conversation.  There are two of them:

1) It's a really good thing that this kid does not want to be in a relationship any time soon because OH MY GOSH HE SUCKS AT COMMUNICATING. (And before any of you tell me that all men suck at communicating, let me just say that I have a hard time believing any man you know could be THIS bad and still be in a relationship.)

2) WHAT IN THE WORLD DID I EVER SEE IN THIS KID?!?!?!  Like seriously, that last twenty minutes of the conversation by itself eradicated any semblance of romantic feelings I had for him.  He is FAR too immature.  And the whole "he cannot be serious when he knows I need him to be serious about something" would drive. me. up. the. wall.

So yeah.  I'm fine.  Like seriously, I'm just over it.  I'm glad that it's over, and I'm REALLY glad I had this conversation tonight instead of a couple months from now when he would've had the opportunity to lead me on even more and make me fall even harder for him which would then leave me hurt way worse than any hurt I've experienced since the conversation last night.

This is why I always fall for guys that are years older than me.  Because while their immaturity is still festering inside their strange little souls, part of it has gone into retirement.

All right, then.  As you were.

Oh, and if you made it all the way to the bottom of this without, oh, I don't know, gouging out your eyeballs from sheer boredom and pain at reading all of this, I love you. :)

Um, he's honest. I'll give him that much.

So.

I ran into Nick went I went to get Mexican for dinner and we had a very surprising conversation tonight.

I'm still in shock, I think.  The kind of shock where I can't even remember most of what the heck happened.  But I'll tell you what I do remember.

He doesn't like me as more than a friend, for starters.

He had no idea I was interpreting so many things (like the holding my hand for an hour, etc.) as him flirting with me.  And I was in such shock that I forgot to tell him that that's ridiculous and I don't even hold hands with Matt.  He didn't think he was flirting with me.

He didn't care that I kissed him on the cheek.

He likes spending time with me.

He doesn't see himself getting in a relationship anytime soon because his relationships always go downhill and he's tired of them. Which...okay. Whatever.  You're 19, you don't have to be looking to get married, but I didn't think that meant he didn't like me.

So yeah.

Oh, and get this: He asked me to have breakfast with him tomorrow.

Mind = blown.

I sooooo didn't see that coming.  Not after he held my hand all those times and did all those so-flirtatious-even-my-oblivious-self-saw-them things.

And it sucks.  I'm sad.  I feel like an idiot.  But I'm gonna go to breakfast tomorrow because underneath it all, I really do like this kid as a friend.  And I don't want him to think I'm mad at him, because I'm not.  He was honest with me, which is more than you get with most guys this age.  My only dilemma is there's still one big question on my mind that I want to get a straight answer to, but I'm nervous that if I bring it up again tomorrow he'll get annoyed or whatever.  I just wanna know how he could possibly think I wouldn't take holding my hand so many times and for so long as flirting.  Like, Matt and I have been friends for 9 years and I don't even hold his hand, you know?!

So yeah. That was my day.

Focus. I have none.

Thank the good Lord that my exam isn't until 3:00 tomorrow and that it should be fairly simple.  Because my mind is just not in study mode today.  I seriously have done nothing of productivity today except for picking up my room and vacuuming it because I thought a girl was coming over to study for the exam tomorrow and then she texted me saying she couldn't.

So I've sat here.

Listening to music half of my iTunes library.

Picking at my cuticles.  Something I never do.  Something that grosses me out when I see my mom do it.

Thinking about how tired I am.

So what I think I'm going to do is go to bed early, get up early, eat breakfast, go to the Financial Aid office to get another piece of my application sent off to DC, and then study for the exam.

That'll be plenty of time.

And even if it's not, it'll be higher quality, more effective studying than doing anything right now.

I feel like I've taken painkillers.  But I haven't.

I think my body just needs to decompress for a night.  Because even yesterday, while I was extremely happy, I didn't ever really feel relaxed.  Because I was thinking about Ryann, mostly.  I mean, I'm not sad or anything, not at all.  In fact, just thinking about the post I wrote yesterday and the conversations I had with various people gets me all giddy again.  So no, I'm not sad.  I just have a lot on my mind.  I know it probably sounds weird to put "happy" and "I have a lot on my mind" together, but really I am.  So there it is.

I'm just strangely sore and very out of it.

Hence the whole I'm going to bed thing.

Good night.

If you see my attention span floating around anywhere, send it back.  I still have three finals to get through before I'll let it go on vacation. :)

He knows.

When I cried because I thought I'd never make friends other than Matt,

He knew.

When I believed the lies that it was my fault people were mean to me,

He knew.

When I thought I'd never get over Matt,

He knew.

When I thought I'd never be able to have feelings for someone else,

He knew.

When I thought I'd feel like an outcast forever,

He knew.

See a pattern here?

I realized something tonight while I was talking to my friend Laura Darling.  God really has brought me exactly who I needed at exactly the right time.
 
He waited to bring me girlfriends like Ryann and Elizabeth until I gave up trying to force a relationship between me and my biological sisters.  When I truly needed a support system like that, support without which I would've been overcome by loneliness.  He made me that much more confident in the statement that real family isn't about DNA.  It's about the people whom you trust, the people who love you no matter what, without judgment, without insults, without trivializing you or your feelings.  It's about the people who you would do anything for, even if it's something as simple as texting them "I love you" in the middle of the night so they don't forget it.

He waited to bring me a guy like Nick (no, we aren't dating yet) until I accepted the truth about Matt's and my relationship.  Just over two months later, and I've met a guy who makes me feel beautiful, and special, something I've never experienced from another human being before, something I always wished Matt would make me feel.  When He knew I could finally realize that Matt wasn't the be all end all, and that I really can fall for someone else and the feelings actually be returned.  He brought me this guy just when I was finally able to change the way that I look at Matt and start to move on.  I wouldn't have been ready to meet Nick last semester, or the semester before that.  But I was ready now.

The point I'm trying to get at here?  He knows what He's doing.  All those times when I felt so lonely I thought my world was suffocating me were to bring me to this point right here.

I don't think I've ever been this happy.  I was telling Matt about this when we talked the day after Thanksgiving, and I said, "And I don't know why, but my health hasn't been this good since I was in middle school."  He immediately said back, "I do.  You're less stressed."

And now that I think about it, maybe he's right.  Family's the same, but it doesn't bother me as much because I have my own family here.  My relationship with Matt is stronger than ever because he's not all I feel like I have anymore, and because I'm finally secure and don't question his love for me.  Plus, I'm finally moving on from my romantic feelings for him and JUST looking at him as my big brother/best friend, something I was afraid would never happen, and that makes things between us WAY less complicated.  School's even harder than it used to be, but I have created a life for myself outside of the work, which gives me balance.  And I'm no longer having to take Ibuprofen every single day.  I don't believe in coincidences.

I know this sounds like a bit of a "year in recap" post, but that's really not my point.  My point is this: We all have those times where we wonder what the heck God is doing.  What He could possibly be thinking.  Why He won't just give us what we're asking for when we ask for it, if He's just going to give it to us anyway.  But I'm here as living proof to tell you that everything He has planned for you is timed perfectly.  What you think you need right now may not always be what He knows you need.

When your entire world seems crazy, dark, lonely, frustrating, not what you wanted or expected it to be, remember this much:

He knows.

Day one down.

Got my two hardest finals out of the way today.

The good news is:

a) I feel WAY better about my English final than I did the midterm, so that's good.

b) And I feel really good about my Scope & Methods final, and got an 86 on the big report so I can stop worrying about it, so that's good, too.

c) I got the application submitted for my DC internship in before midnight tonight, which means I get 5% off tuition and priority scholarship consideration if they accept me.

d) Elizabeth came and rescued me and took me for hot chocolate at Starbucks because I told her I was in a bizarre/sad/depressed mood and needed to see a friendly face (see below for why).  Girl time with great friends is always helpful.

The bad news is:

a) There's a lot of stuff going on with Ryann and she might not be coming back to Campbell next semester and I'm so sad/sick over it that I had a really hard time focusing at all today.

b) I kissed Nick on the cheek yesterday as we left (I know, I didn't mention it!) and he didn't show up to breakfast, which means I got up at 6:40 for basically no reason, or answer my attempts to contact him at all today, so I had a mini panic attack that I screwed things up.  It scared me because even if things don't progress romantically, I still want to keep him as a friend.  I'm just gonna leave him be for the rest of the weekend.  I need to focus on Ryann anyway.

I'm just over today, honestly.  I need some sleep.  Thank God that tomorrow's Saturday and that every day is a new chance to feel His presence and blessings.

I can't write much tonight.

Because I just spent 5.5 hours writing 7 front-and-back pages of info to answer questions on a study guide for my Scope & Methods final tomorrow.  HO. LY. CRAP. My hand hurts.  SO, tonight I'm writing shorthand to recap the day.

woke up early
ate breakfast
went to tutor Nick
realized Nick didn't actually need tutoring
talked/flirted/held hands with Nick
took a 3-hour nap
ate lunch
read for English
messed around on the computer
went to Marshbanks for dinner
went through 5.5 hour torture of left hand to do study guide
and now here I am
next on agenda: brush teeth
wash face
sleep

I'm getting up ridiculously early to go have breakfast with Nick tomorrow. :)