I don't know what my problem was.

But for some reason, I just could not wake up today!

When I did, though, I was somewhat productive.

I've read 3 of the 4 Western Civ chapters so far, and plan to read the last before I go to bed.

And I picked out what I'd like my spring schedule to be, because I set that up on Wednesday.

Tomorrow, I have another Infectious Disease appointment bright and early, in hopes that I can make it back for my two afternoon classes and not irritate my English professor any more.

So this blog is short, because I want to get that reading done, and have to be up at 6:15.

Happy Halloween, all! Hope your day was fun!

Oops.

So...I had all these fantastic plans about all the reading I was going to get done this weekend.

And then I woke up this morning with a migraine.

And when my migraine finally went away late this afternoon, I still couldn't stay awake to read.

So I'm currently reading now.  This 40-page Western Civ chapter may be the death of me....It's like it's never going to end!!!  And hopefully I'll get one more chapter done tonight, and then get up early tomorrow.

We'll see.

Stupid migraines.  The muscle relaxers used to work.  Why don't they work anymore?

YAY WEEKEND!

Considering the fact that out of the past seven nights, I have had exactly zero good nights of sleep, words cannot describe how happy I am that it's Friday.

Get this:  I worked my butt off Wednesday and yesterday trying to perfect that poetry paper to turn it in today.  I get to class, and Dr. H says that because a ton of people asked her, she's giving us an extension.  Hah, of course.  But I turned the paper in today anyway, because if I stared at that thing any more, I was going to lose my mind.  Besides, I have another paper to worry about, so might as well get this one out of my hands.

Mom just called, and she won't be here till 7:30.  I think I'm gonna try to get my French homework out of the way, so I'll have one less thing to take home.

Remind me again why I want to go to grad school?  :)  Have a fabulous weekend! (And yes, I'm taking the computer with me tihs time.  I have to do that paper.)

Hallelujah

The paper is done.

On time.

Now I get to worry about the fiction paper I have to turn in next Friday, a make up from when I was out for the surgery.

And about how I did on my Western Civ test today.

And the Religon test on Wednesday.

And the Science test on Thursday.

And the Western Civ quiz on Thursday.

God, why couldn't I be one of those nonchalant people?  My life would be so much less complicated.  Ha!

Now, if I could only figure out how to get this persistent migraine to go away...

Vicious Cycle

I am tired.

Which gives me headaches.

Which give me one more thing to be stressed about.

Which makes my insomnia flare up.

Which makes me even more tired.

Which makes me even more stressed because I don't have the energy to get all my work done.

Today was an okay day.  Just wish I could go to bed instead of needing to study right now.

Is it Friday yet?

Or better yet can we just fast forward to November 8th so I can get this PICC line out?  Thanks.

No Awesomeness

Ya know, it fascinates me how two back-to-back days could be absolute polar opposites.

Yesterday = awesome.

Today = not so much.

Well, first off, I woke up and didn't have a headache, which I thought was totally awesome, but of course I got one as soon as I got to Western Civ.

For the first time in the past month, I didn't wake up to the alarm to start my antibiotic.  Or, I woke up just enough to turn the alarm off, and then went back to sleep.  I don't remember anything.  All I know is that I leave my phone on my desk away from my bed so that I have to get up to turn it off.  It might've been because I couldn't sleep due to an upset stomach...I don't know.  I ended up not starting it till 8:30 which meant I had to drag the thing to Western Civ and had a bunch of people stare at me.

Then, at the end of Western Civ I found out I got a 78 on the second exam.  Not cool.  But I'm trying not to be too upset at myself because the first three tests are 10% each of the grade, but the final in December is 40%, so if I kick butt at that I'll be fine.

I couldn't stay awake in Science a) because I was tired and b) because my head was pounding.

I couldn't take a nap because I had to write this paper.

Two good things, though?  I got help from my Science professor on a lab I needed to make up but didn't understand, so now I only have one more lab to make up and I think I'm doing that on Thursday. And I was finally able to get this poetry paper written, and it was done before Dancing with the Stars so I didn't feel guilty for watching it. :)

Might as well end on a sort of positive note, right? :)

Awesomeness!

Guys, seriously.  Today was awesome.  I don't remember the last time I had a Monday this awesome.  Or really, I don't remember the last time I had any school day this awesome!

Awesome thing #1:  It's now Homecoming Week, and today was Pajama Day.  I got to wear my cute penguin pajamas to class.

#2: I made up another Western Civ quiz this morning, and I finally found a study tactic that helps me get a 100 on these things! My first 100 in this class!

#3: English got cancelled.

#4: I got a 99 on my French test!

#5: My writer's block over this poetry paper has finally started to go away.

#6: My mom and friend Laura gave me awesome help with said paper. (hello! English teacher and English major!)

#7: The one reason I always like Mondays, no matter how crappy the day has been - Dancing with the Stars comes on!

Hope your day was at least half as awesome as mine was. :)

Walls

All day long, I've been thinking about walls.
Emotional ones, mind you.

This morning, going to church got me all nervous.  Not only was I, an incredibly shy person in crowds of strangers, going to a new church all by myself, something about the fact that I haven't been to church in 4 or so years made it even more terrifying.

I think I've mentioned on here (but maybe I haven't) that I didn't have the greatest experience at my church in my hometown.  When I was in middle and high school, I was a member of the youth band (I love to sing when I have someone to sing with, but solos? Stage fright!) and went to the youth group (MYF - Methodist Youth Fellowship) every Sunday.  But when I got to high school and my seizures got out of control, I started getting harassed.  Not just by the kids, either; I was used to that.  No, even the parents started talking about me.  What gems, huh?

So after one particularly bad Sunday when two of the kids I was in band with screamed at me and called me names and just got really ugly right in front of the youth director, I called my mom to come pick me up.  I left, and never went back.

I'm not saying everyone in the church was mean.  No, definitely not.  There are some adults at that church that have literally been the face of Christ to me and my family.  But I just didn't feel like going and being judged and talked about in the one place where I was supposed to feel comfortable.

I guess you could say it's sort of turned me off to organized religion.  The thing is, though, me not going to church does not make me any less of a Christian.  In fact, there's a thing I saw on Facebook that says "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."  That kind of sums up my feelings.  And all of this rambling should tell you why I was nervous this morning.  However, it actually turned out pretty well.  Despite having to get used to a lot of different things about the service, as this was a Baptist church and I have been a Methodist my whole life, it was pleasant.  Lots of people welcomed me, which made me uncomfortable (hello, shy person!) and happy at the same time.

My point is this:  This morning took down a lot of the emotional walls that I had built up against churches and organized religion.  And while I don't know if I'll go back to that specific church again, I'm glad I had to do it once.  Going and doing a recap of my experience is 10% of my Intro to Christianity grade! :)

The other reason I've been thinking about walls all day?  I have a poetry paper due Friday.  It's an analytical paper on a poem - "Mending Wall" by Robert Frost.  I read it half a dozen times over the past two days, and it finally took me looking it up on Sparknotes to even begin to understand it.  Now that I have half a clue about what it really means, I have to come up with a thesis, and nothing is coming.  I wrote and wrote all sorts of questions and comments like my professor suggested we do as part of our pre-writing, and I can't figure out how to form a thesis and basis for a paper out of it.  And it's freaking me out.  (Big surprise, huh?)  I even tried asking Mom for help, and of course, she doesn't know the poem.  She thinks I shouldn't go to my professor for help tomorrow, but you know what?  This is what she's paid to do, darn it!

Prayers for peace, energy, and the ability to GET THIS DANG PAPER WRITTEN would be greatly appreciated. :)

Where has the day gone?

While I got a late start to the day thanks to another headache, I have spent every waking moment reading and preparing for Western Civ.

You see, I still have two make-up quizzes to do.  One is on Chapters 22, 24, & 28, and one is for Chapters 23 & 25.  On top of that, I have to keep up with the reading and quizzes that is being assigned now.  Tuesday, there's a quiz on Chapters 29 & 31.

Not only is that a lot of chapters, add in that the chapters are anywhere from 20 to 35 pages long, and you can safely assume that my mind is totally fried.  I've gotten through 29, 31, and 23, and I'm about to read and prepare 25 and then hit the sack.  Just hope my headache doesn't get any worse to prevent me from finishing it.

Tomorrow?  I'm going to a church that's practically on campus as an assignment for my Intro to Christiannity class, and then the rest of the day is gonna be focused on English.

My life is so much fun, y'all! :)

I Shoulda Known

This happens all the time.

So you'd think I'd learn by now, wouldn't you?

I freak out about something coming, so sure it's absolutely terrible.

Then, it comes and it wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it'd be.

That meeting with my English professor?  It made my opinion of her do a complete 180.  She was nicer to me than she has been all semester!  Silly, silly me, all she wanted to do was talk about getting me caught up and that she was concerned about my absences (for good reason, but there's nothing that could be done about them).

And she worked with me, just like all my other teachers. :)

She gave me the fiction test I have to make up to take with me and do this weekend and turn in Monday.

She told me to focus on the Poetry paper that's due next Friday this week, and then have my Fiction paper the Friday after that.

She also told me I talk too much in class. Oops!  Hey, that's not the first time I've heard that.  I don't mean to answer all the questions - it just comes out! :D  I told her I'm trying to keep my mouth shut.

SIGH. OF. RELIEF.

Note to self: STOP FREAKING OUT UNTIL YOU KNOW FOR SURE WHAT IS GOING ON.

Drained

Drained. 

That's me.

I'm just exhausted.

Mentally.

Physically.

Emotionally.

I work all the time and my list of homework never seems to get smaller.

Trying hard not to stress about what's going to happen with my English professor tomorrow.

Sometimes, I wonder what I'm doing here.

At college.

I don't want to be miserable.

But I also don't want to be a quitter.

People have expectations of me.

I just feel...weak. numb. sad.

Drained.

And I don't know how to make it stop.

Scared

So I got into English today, and went up to my professor to tell her that I would have the paper I needed to make up to her by no later than Monday, and to remind her that she never got back to me about when/where I could make up the fiction test I missed.

Then, she told me that she needed to have a "conference" with me because I've missed so much class. 

And that was when the tears came, and I couldn't stop them.

This, of course, is the professor who I feel least comfortable talking to, and the professor who scares me the most, and the professor I think likes me the least.

My Religion professor told me that if a teacher wants to fail me because of my absences, the administration can't do anything to stop it, even though my great-uncle's friend said they could.  But it's just. not. fair!  How could I possibly be punished for my grades when every single time that I've been out I've had a medical reason?

I can't think of any other reason she would want to talk to me, other than my grade is in trouble.

I'm working so hard all the time!  And it's like I can't catch up or catch my breath.

I'm trying not to be scared about what this talk is about, but I can't help it.

Basically, today sucks.  And when it sucks this bad, I need ice cream.

Doing My Duty

In America, turning 18 has its perks.

I mean, after all, you're finally considered a legal adult!

Y'all know me, I wasn't interested in cigarettes or porn (!!!), and while lottery tickets do interest me a little (blame my grandma, she's been letting me scratch off hers for years), there was only one perk that really meant anything to me.

Voting.

When my grandma was driving me home on Friday, I asked her how you register to vote, since this is a midterm election year.  She explained it to me, and informed me that a place in Jacksonville had a one-stop voting station, where you can register and vote in the same place.  So we decided to leave a little bit early on Monday and get that done, since I really wasn't sure if I'd be home again before Election Day.

So we went.  And it was fast. And easy.

As a Government major, don't you think it'd be a little hypocritical of me not to vote now that I finally can? :)

Plus, come on, you get this totally awesome sticker as a prize! ;)

I thought they would stop by now.

Not long after we found out that Chelsea was pregnant, I started having dreams that I was pregnant.

Something weird, but normal, I figured. 

I also figured they'd go away once she had Blake.

Well, here we are. 

Blake is 7 1/2 months old, and I'm still having dreams that I'm pregnant.

There's nothing really bizarre about the dreams, except for, ya know, the whole me being pregnant thing.

But yeah, these dreams happen a few times a month.

Sunday night, I was having a baby shower.  I was very pregnant.

I was having a girl! Madison Claire. (Which, we all know, is my favorite girl's name.)

The one weird thing about it, though?

Matt was the father. *headdesk*  Heaven help me.

I just don't get why this is happening.  It's not like I want to get pregnant!  It's not like I'm trying to get pregnant!  And unless I'm the next Virgin Mary, I'm certainly not going to get pregnant any time soon!

Sigh.

A Long Weekend

This was a long weekend.  I got a lot of work done, but of course it wasn't as much as I needed to get done.

My mom's birthday is today, and of course the poor girl has been sick as a dog since Friday.  I tried to convince her to cancel the family dinner last night, and she wouldn't because "I was home."  Yeah, I don't get it, either.

Doctors appointments were fine.  My surgeon said my foot looked great, and I don't have to keep it wrapped anymore, and HOORAY I CAN SCRUB IT!!!!  Sorry, just a little excited about it. :) 

The infectious disease lady basically just looked at my foot and said it's good, see ya in two weeks. 

I go back to ID on November 1, and then go back to both my surgeon and ID on November 8.  Best part about November 8? That's the day I get my PICC line out! Let the countdown begin. :)

Going Unplugged for the Weekend

So...I'm going home for the weekend.  Because I have those two appointments on Monday.  But it also works out perfectly because my mom's birthday is Monday. :)

Anyway, I'm bringing with me basically books for every class I have, so I need a weekend without distractions.  Thus, I am showing amazing self-control and not bringing my computer with me.

But hey, if you're lucky, I'll have new Blake pics when I get back. ;)

Spinning

Looking at the stack of books and notebooks I have to take home this weekend, my head is just spinning.  I feel like I'm spinning in circles trying to get everything done.

But you know what?  Aside from feeling totally exhausted by everything, I'm really doing okay.  I'm not upset and don't feel overwhelmed by stress.  It's fantastic.

Thankfully, my professors are all being really, really nice about everything.  That definitely helps with the stress level. 

On the upside, I get to go home this weekend, because of my two appointments in Wilmington on Monday.  Which is totally awesome because Monday is also my mom's birthday, and so I get to be there for the family dinner on Sunday!  I'll probably be doing homework every other waking moment, but it's okay.

Must just keep focusing.

And try not to let the spinning make me dizzy. ;)

Since when did this happen?

I used to be the hottest-natured person around.

Wearing short-sleeved shirts year round, adding a jacket when it got below 60.

Always having the AC on full blast.

Needing to sit in the front of the car, just to be closer to the air vents.

It was something my family always joked about.

Yet lately, I'm having more and more days where I'm freezing cold.

It's just weird. 

I tell ya, though.  I'll take being cold over hot any day.

Today was fair.  I felt okay, but my English teacher is mean and annoying.

P.S. Dear Mother Nature, 80+ degrees in mid-October? Really?

That was NOT how I wanted to spend today.

I think my subconscious self might have a magnet in it somewhere that just naturally pulls me to the nearest ER.

Today? I got so close to passing out in Western Civ I actually had to lay down on the floor and they called an ambulance.

I wasn't originally going to go to the hospital but then a second wave of dizzyness hit me and I got even weaker.

So I spent all day today in the same ER that completely missed the infection in my foot, with an absolute jerk of a nurse.  Seriously, why are you going to become a nurse if you can't be nice to people?

That was fun.

I'm almost out of clean clothes.  Think that's a sign I need to do laundry tomorrow?  Yeah.

Why

Why do I always wake up in the morning feeling like crap?

Why can I not eat anything without feeling like I'm going to puke?

Why do I let myself get so stressed out about school?

Why, why, why.  I went to go see my Honors professor this morning, and after talking with him, he suggested that I drop the class, and I agreed.  Then, I went to get my advisor to sign the form, and instead of fighting me on it like he did last time, he agreed, as well.  WHEW! Big relief.  There is a six page paper due in that class in two weeks, and with all the makeup work I have, there was no way I'd find the time to get it done well, and ya know, sleep and eat.  Also, hooray that my mom didn't get mad at me for it, either.

So aside from that freak out and embarassing myself by crying in front of my professor, today has been good.

Now, I have to finish copying some notes, and go to bed.  If I can stay awake that long.

Back in The Creek

"The Creek" is what we Campbell students like to call Buies Creek. :)

Holy cow has today been a busy day.  But it was generally very good!

We got to have dinner with Holly and Carmen, and since Chelsea and Blake came with us, they got a little bit of time with Blake.  He sat in a regular restaurant high chair tonight at Ruby Tuesday's.  It was hilarious; he was totally spazzing out.

Then, Holly and Carmen took me to Walmart, and drove me here to school so that Mom could just head home since she has work tomorrow.

I tell ya, as much as I'm dreading the weeks of make-up work ahead of me,

I am so glad to be back.

Chelsea was driving me nuts.  Go figure.

Anyway, I'm back.  It's late.  Good night.

Y'all will probably want to skip this post.

I'm not posting this one for you guys, I'm posting it because I have to get it off my chest, and what better place to do that than a place where no one in my real life knows how to get to? (My mom knows I have a blog, she just doesn't know what the address is, and probably doesn't care. Haha!)

So if you want to skip this post altogether, I totally won't be offended.

I'm probably beating a dead horse, but it has to be said.  Matt is driving me bananas.  The poor boy is so dense he probably doesn't even realize he's doing it, so it's not like I can be mad at him for it.  It's just...if you knew someone had feelings for you, wouldn't you assume that they don't want to hear about your girlfriend (or boyfriend) all the time?  That it would hurt?  I mean, maybe that makes me a bad friend.  But he apparently has no idea that every time he talks to me about his girlfriend, Simone, my heart breaks a little bit more.

I want him to be happy.  I really do.  No matter who it's with.  I just don't get how he thinks he's so happy being with girls who go all nuts on him at the most random times, and make him feel like he's a loser and screwed up.  Doesn't he see that I would treat him better than any of his girlfriends ever have?  I get him.  I get his personality.  I get his sarcasm and sense of humor.  I know not to expect him to show up on time.  I know he'll rarely call me back when he says he will because he's ADD and gets distracted.  I know he's so busy on his "breaks" that it's near impossible to get time to hang out with me.  I know how he works.  And I don't get mad at him for it.

Not to mention the fact that he's already been accepted as pretty much a member of my family.  He calls my mom "Mom".  She calls him "Son".  He can show up at 2:30 in the morning to see me (and/or Holly) and Mom is totally okay with that.  He's the only person she lets do that.  He's been at our house for Thanksgiving dinner.  The only other non-family members that have been invited to that are Holly's long-term (ex) boyfriend and the girl Chelsea was living with one time.  That's special.

He makes me feel safe.   There are times when he's come over late at night when things have been rough between Mom and Chelsea, and I've met him outside, and he's just held me.  He was there when people at school spread rumors that I was faking my seizure disorder.  He's even taken care of me after I've passed out, carrying me into my house when I couldn't walk.  I tell him the things I can't tell my mom.  Heck, I tell him everything that goes on with my family.  And he never judges me for it or uses it against me.

I can tell you the exact moment when I realized I was really in love with him, that this was more than just the crush I had been playing it off as.  June 2008 - We hadn't spoken since January, after a mistake I made that made his "fiancee" at the time, Amy, so mad she told him not to talk to me, and he listened.  Some time in June, I don't remember the exact day, I found out that Amy had cheated on him and dumped him.  I know Matt's heart.  I know how he is when he's the dumpee and not the dumper.  So I called him and left a message apologizing again for everything and just saying I wanted to make sure he was okay.  He showed up that night, and we were sitting on the couch talking about what happened, and I could see tears in his eyes (that's one of maybe two times I've seen him cry in eight years).  When he started crying, I could actually feel myself hurting with him.   It's a feeling I can hardly explain - one that scared me terribly.  What girl my age is supposed to feel that strongly about a boy this young who she isn't even dating?  But all I knew is that this is way more than a silly schoolgirl crush.  He told me then that the only reason he didn't talk to me for so long was because she wouldn't let him.

People who know the basics of this say to me, "Well, why don't you just tell him??"  I wish I could.  I so badly wish I could.  But I'm terrified.  Every time I've ever been the least bit friends with a guy and get a crush on him, he ends up abandoning me.  And above everything else, Matt is my best friend.  Most of the time, I think he's the only real friend I have.  I can't lose that.  Part of me wants to believe that I wouldn't lose him if I told him how I really feel, but I know it'd scare the crap out of him to hear that the "feelings" I have for him are much, much stronger than I've let on in the past.  I wouldn't be able to blame him for being scared, either.

You know what the one thing he's said to me that still haunts me the most, along with my reaction to it?  One time, quite a while ago before he even knew I had "feelings" for him, on the phone he said, "You know, I've thought about dating you before, but you won't have sex with me."  At first, I thought, "Heck no I won't. You pig!  I'm proud to be a virgin and am saving that gift for someone special."  Now, I've actually thought about doing it, because he is that special to me.  What is wrong with me?!  I am not the kind of girl who compromises her beliefs for love.  At least I thought I wasn't...until now.

I keep waiting and praying for the day when I'm not so crazy about him anymore.  I know this isn't good for my mind or my spirit.  I've been praying so hard that either God would help something to happen between us or that He would give me the strength and peace of mind to move on.  I've asked friends to pray about it.  I don't know what else to do.

I want him to be happy.  I really do.  I just wish he could see that he could be happier with me.

She wears high heels. I wear sneakers. She's Cheer Captain, and I'm on the bleachers dreaming about the day when you wake up and find that what you're looking for has been here the whole time.  If you could see that I'm the one who understands you, been here all along, so why can't you see?  You belong with me. (Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me)

Frustration

I just love when my mom calls me a "selfish b**ch" because I don't want to give Chelsea one of my PRESCRIPTION Benadryl that I take before my antibiotic. Something that I have to take or I have a reaction.

It's not like she was having an allergic reaction, or something that could really hurt her.

If that was the case, of course, I'd give her one.

But no. She has a headache and wanted to go to sleep.

Newsflash! A headache is not that big of a deal. I have a headache 98% of the time, and you don't see me whining like the world is ending.

Every time Chelsea gets a headache, she starts whining like a 4-year-old: "Mommyyyyy, I have to go to beeeeeeeeeed."

I also love how her head "hurts SO bad", and yet she's fine enough to scream at us.

I've already given her five of my Percocet because she has an earache.

But yeah, I'm the only one with the problem.

Four Words

Nausea and migraines suck.

Seriously.

This is getting RIDICULOUS.

You know what time I fell asleep?

Noon.

As in 12 pm.

I have to stay up until I finish these antibiotics, but then I'm taking a Lorazepam, and seriously,

if I don't fall asleep from that,

then I give up.

There'll just be no stospping my insomnia. ;)

**Random blog question: Is there a place in the settings where I can enter a signature that will automatically post to each new post I write so that I don't have to manually put it in every single time? Just curious.**

Fail

As in - I massively failed at doing schoolwork today.

But I had two very good reasons:

a) the crappy insomnia gene that I inherited from my mother kicked in and I didn't fall asleep till after 4.

b) when I finally woke up, I had a nasty rebound headache, which isn't very conducive to being able to read a textbook.

But tomorrow! I'm actually going to bed at a semi-reasonable hour tonight.

My PICC line is hurting me tonight, so a lady is gonna come by in the morning to check it out and make sure it's okay. That way, if something isn't okay, we can get it taken care of and I can go back to school this weekend. :)

That is all I can think of to say tonight.

Oooo, one more thing! Blake is seven months old today! And gets cuter by the day, I tell ya. <3

It's almost 3 in the morning.

And this is literally the first time I've been able to blog all day.
I woke up at 8.
I had a nurse come by to draw my blood.
I started my antibiotics.
My grandma came and picked me up and we went to Wilmington.
We went to my foot surgeon, my infectious disease doctor, and picked up more antibiotics because they changed the dose on me again. That's three times in a week and a half!
I came home.
I ate chili. (Mom's cooking - mmmmmmmmmmmm!)
I graded stuff for Mom.
And then I spent hours and hours helping Mom enter her grades into the computer.
I know, I know, I'm an awesome daughter. ;)
We finished doing that at 1, and then I talked to Matt and did some stuff for me.
So here we are.
I'll tell you more about the appointments tomorrow (or later today, really) but I seriously have to crash now because my brain is fried.
Let's put it this way: I'm still wearing the clothes I wore all day, and I'm going to sleep in them because I don't have the energy to get up and find pajamas.
Tomorrow starts the project of actually doing my schoolwork.
*collapses*

All in all.

All in all, I love my life.

All in all, I love my family.

All in all, this weekend was awesome.

Mom got Thursday and Friday off work because of the torrential downpour we had. Two to three feet of standing water can be dangerous to drive through, in case you were curious.

I don't remember the last time I had 4 solid days of just hanging out with my mom, laughing, talking, watching TV and movies and Youtube videos, and snuggling. :)

Yes, I'm 18 years old and still like to snuggle with my mom. Weird? Maybe.

You should seriously check out Tim Hawkins the comedian on Youtube. Mom and I laid on her bed for hours choking ourselves and crying with laughter at his stuff.

Tomorrow, I am off to Wilmington. We are going by the office where I can pick up more of my antibiotics. We are going to Dr. P's office so he can check out my foot and cast it if the incision has stopped oozing. And then we are going to my new Infectious Disease doctor's office for a check-up there.

I have no idea why, but it makes me laugh that I have an Infectious Disease doctor. I'm infectious!

It also makes me laugh that my cousin is now dating a girl named Chelsea.

Yes, in case you were wondering, I am amused very easily. Even more so if you're my mom; she cracks me up like no one else can.

So yeah. All in all, I'm good.

This is why I hate being home.

I love my sister, but I can't stand her a lot of the time.

Things go along smashingly for a while, and then Chelsea's pathologically lying self comes out, which causes Mom to get mad, which causes Chelsea to get punished, which causes her to scream and whine and yell about how much her life sucks and she's moving in with *insert guy's name here* and on and on and on.

You'd think after 11+ years of this crap, I'd be used to it, but nope. It still drives me insane every day.

Why can't she understand that her life is the way it is because of her own decisions?

Why can't she understand that Mom isn't trying to make her life hell and that she does love her?

Why can't she take responsibility for her son and do something to start her own life (get a job, go back to school, one or the other!) to take care of him?

Why can't she ever tell the truth?

The questions go on and on.

I want to understand her, I really do. But I'm just sick and tired of her. And I don't know how I won't feel this way until she makes some attempt at growing up.

This is one of the reasons I love college so much. Because it at least somewhat removes me from all the drama and fighting and anger that Chelsea causes. (Of course, that doesn't mean I worry about Mom dealing with her any less.)

Sigh. It's been a long day.

I've been thinking...

Oh, now before you go getting concerned, hear me out. ;)

Really, though, last night, something occurred to me. 

According to medical standards, I shouldn't be here.

I mean, really.  Think about everything I've been through in the past year alone.

That blood clot in my brain? Should've killed me.

That staph meningitis?  Should've killed me.

That staph pneumonia? It probably wouldn't have killed me, but it sure should have had some major long-lasting effects, a lot more than it did.

And this MRSA staph infection in my foot?  I found out from my mom that I was about 48 hours from going into septic shock.  Which so, so, SO easily could've killed me.

Plus, I mean, there's my thyroid tumors, my hydrocephaly, my back issues, my seizure disorder, and everything else.

I'm finally realizing why doctors have called me a "medical phenomenon."  Because I've done an insane amount of beating the odds in my 18 years.

And I have to think...there's a reason I'm still here.

There's a reason the zillion things I've had go wrong in my life haven't killed me.

There's something I'm supposed to do, someone I'm supposed to help, some reason I'm still living.  God has something big in store for me, and I just hope and pray that I don't miss out on His direction to what that may be. 

I want to make a difference in this world.  Yes, I want to be a wife, and a mom, and have a good job, but more than anything, I want to make a change.  I'm not talking about necessarily something running-for-president huge or the like, but I want to leave a legacy behind.  When I die, I want someone to say that I was a good, kind, loving, helpful person who did everything I could to make others feel better.

I want to teach.

I want to inspire.

I want to love wholeheartedly.

Doctors say I shouldn't be here.  But God said something different.  And one day, I want to see the reason for all of my pain and suffering.  I want to help someone get through what they're dealing with by showing them that surviving is possible. 

God, please show me the way to fulfill Your destiny for me.  Don't let my self-concern block out my chance to live the life I'm meant to live.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.