College Bound on Higher Ground

Happy Valentine's Day

2012-02-14T21:21:00.002-05:00

Mine was just a regular Tuesday.

But you know what? I'm okay with that.

I'm not gonna lie and say I don't have my moments, but I like my life.

There are some perks to being single.

I get to gush about crushes on boys and say I think someone's cute whenever I want to.

I don't have to feel like I'm obligated to spend time with anyone.

I get to want to be ALONE sometimes and don't have to feel sorry for it.

I don't have to factor anyone else into any decision I make.

Besides, I have friends that love me even when I'm ridiculous and hormonal and cry over nothing and angry and give them so many reasons not to love me, that bless me for no reason at all, that are there for me when I need them. I have a Mom who loves me more than words, who would die for me, who's saved my life on multiple occasions, who teaches me every day how to grow up and what it means to be an adult. Most of all, though, I have the love of a God who let His son die for me to save me from all of the evil in the world, who loves me even more than I can understand.

It's safe to say that my "love tank" is pretty full. :)

I have the rest of my life to find a husband. I'm 19 years old, for crying out loud! I have decades to get married and have kids.

And if I don't have decades, well, I'll be dead and in heaven, and the whole "being married and having kids" thing isn't really gonna make a difference.

Happy Valentine's Day, you beautiful people. Remember this if you remember nothing else at all: You are loved.

I'll chock this up to girl hormones.

2012-02-13T22:17:00.000-05:00

I just got text-yelled at by the College Dems president. I texted her asking if we had an officer meeting on Thursday and if she had the details about the event next week. I wanted to know so I could get the flyer for the event done by the officer meeting so I could give the other officers some to help me post them around campus. Because I EXPLAINED to them all at the beginning of the semester that I am not physically able to post them all over campus by myself. And they all said it was fine, and that they didn't mind helping me. And a couple weeks ago, for our meeting last week, they didn't mind helping me.

But today I texted her asking if she had details (time/place) about the event next week because I'd like to have the flyers done before Thursday so I can give them some at the officer's meeting (if we even have one, since she never told me that, either) so they can help me. I got an angry text about how I'm the Public Relations Director (yes, I'm aware of that, thank you, and I basically don't do anything because of your lack of delegation) and if it's going to get advertised, it's my responsibility not theirs and I need to quit asking them.

This girl KNOWS about my physical issues.

TWO WEEKS AGO she didn't mind helping me.

SO WHAT THE HECK IS THAT ABOUT.

And since my period is due in a week, I flat out just broke down and started sobbing. I shouldn't have, I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it. Thank God for my mother. Once I got her on the phone, she calmed me down, gave me just enough of the reality check that I needed, and made me laugh. Then I posted a VERY vague Facebook status about it, and five people who responded made me smile and laugh some more. :) Always a good mood-lifter.

Still. Not cool, huh? It's one thing to pick on me for being a nerd, it's another thing to pick on me for my physical issues.

Sigh. I hope this is just hormones. I hope I just cried because I'm way more sensitive thanks to the always fantastic PMS, and I hope she's just ill-tempered from stress or hormones or whatever.

At least I have Castle to distract me. Between this and the fact that I felt the effects of Water Aerobics WAY more today than in the past few weeks, I'm gonna crash hard when this show is over.

If I were "normal"...

2012-02-12T19:45:00.000-05:00

I'd be watching the Grammys right now.

But there's no fun in being normal. ;)

In all seriousness, though, I've never understood people's overwhelming excitement over these awards shows. There's about a billion of them (I still don't know the difference between an Oscar and a Golden Globe), and they go on and on AND ON. And I simply don't get that thrilled looking at six thousand celebrities wearing gowns and tuxedos walking and posing, and walking and posing.

Yeah. I just don't get it.

So instead, I'm going to bed early. I got all of my work done and I have a headache, so that's all that sounds enticing to me right now.

Gosh, I love sleep. :) (I suppose that makes me a somewhat "normal" college student, huh?)

Random, but also cool, I love that this semester I am actually excited for a new week to start. This has been happening for several weeks now. No, I still don't enjoy getting up on Monday mornings, but I lose that feeling once we get going in French. I'm not sure this has ever happened before.

Oh, and also, Mom told me today (yes, I talked to her, thank goodness. She said her pain is getting better so yay for that. Full details on Thursday) and she said that as soon as we find out where my internship will be in DC, she's going to get an article in the town newspaper (called The Tideland News) about me and all my awesomeness. Haha! So I think that's sweet. :)

Okay, seriously. Good night.

I'm feeling very accomplished today.

2012-02-11T23:36:00.000-05:00

I started out yesterday afternoon with a very large to-do list. It involved work for Algebra, French Lit, French Conversation, Psychology, and Economics. Plus laundry and dishes.

Now all I have left is Economics and finishing folding my laundry. And it's only Saturday night! If you knew me, you'd know that that is really, really impressive.

I'm going to bed as soon as I finish the laundry, because last night I stayed up till 3 am reading absolutely unnecessary stuff online, and it made it really difficult to get up this morning and then stay awake enough to do my work, and that wasn't 100% successful seeing as I kept dozing off while doing my Psychology reading.

Must stay out of that brown recliner. I always fall asleep when I read in that chair. Not my fault, though. It's just. so. comfortable!!

I haven't heard from Mom yet this weekend, which is a bit odd. I need to remember to check on her tomorrow.

Okay, I really should go get that laundry out of the dryer. I hate taking up a dryer unnecessarily.

Easiest Friday ever.

2012-02-10T23:05:00.000-05:00

I got up at 6:30 and got ready.

I went to French Lit from 8:00-8:50.

Then I came back and slept from 9:30-2:00.

That, my friends, is how you do a Friday. :)

I won't be getting another one like this anytime soon, though. Psychology was only canceled because my professor is out of town at a conference, and Steegar basically never misses class. But hey, I'll take it.

When I woke up, I goofed off, ate, and worked on the massive list of homework I have to complete this weekend.

I'm also currently watching a Dateline on the Josh Powell story/Susan, Charlie, and Braden Powell murders. It's horrifying, and heart-breaking, and infuriating, and nauseating, and just horribly sad. It's hard to remember that I need to pray for Josh, knowing what he did, but I must. It is not my place to judge what he did, as much as my heart breaks for those two innocent little boys and their mother.

I have so much work to do. I need to get off of here and do some more work and just go to bed. Which should be an interesting experience in itself considering that long but oh-so-fantastic nap I took. Oh well, it was so worth it. :)

Make me better.

2012-02-09T22:39:00.000-05:00

I had my first test in French Conversation/Composition today. It was not fun. Not fun at all.

However, it didn't suck nearly as bad as the French Lit test next week will.

Of course, the fact that I didn't remember that we had a test until about 7:30 last night didn't exactly help, but hey, at least I felt prepared, right?

I thought the test was going to be easy because Dr. Steegar said there were only five sections, four of which were basically conjugating verbs, plus a composition. So I thought it'd be done in no time.

Heh. I imagine God laughed as soon as I thought that.

When Dr. Steegar explained the directions for each section, he said he wanted a "detailed, full-page, well thought-out writing."

I wrote three pages, front-back-front. So I didn't get out of there till ten minutes before the period ended. Dr. Steegar loves to crack jokes about how wordy I am and how "I don't need to write him a book." It's a good thing I like that man, and I know he likes me, too. He makes fun of the ones he likes.

But the truth is, I don't really care about any of what I just said in the least

I care about the fact that my friend Lauren's stepdad, a good, loving, kind, Godly man, just passed away from a brutal, extremely rapid fight with a rare form of brain cancer.

I care about the fact that my friend Morgan's mom just had spine surgery.

I care about the fact that Ryann is so stressed out she's been sick for weeks and doesn't have time to go to the doctor because her soccer coach has claimed every spare second of her life IN THE OFF SEASON.

I care about the fact that in one week, Mom will find out what these biopsies say. I've never been good at waiting, and I know it's driving her insane, even if she doesn't want to admit it. But God willing, we will finally have some answers. Please, God, please just give her some answers.

I've been thinking about my conversation with Gabe last night basically since I walked out of Chick-Fil-A. Lasst night when I was talking to him, I was so caught up in "why my family?" and "why do all these things keep happening to our family?" Gabe said he didn't know what to tell me because he has had an "easy life" and as much as I like that kid, I was angry and jealous in the moment.

But today I realized that it's not just us. Everyone has problems. Everyone loses family members. I JUST DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT. I don't know people's stories, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. I can't hate people like Gabe just because he has a good life at home, or whatever. That kid is one of the most caring and attentive college-aged guys I have ever met. Gosh, I have been so self-centered!! I seriously needed this wake-up call.

God, please help me to be more selfless tomorrow. Help me make it not about me. Help me help others however they need me. Help me to stop worrying about me.

Make me more like You. Make me better.

Don't miss it.

2012-02-08T23:29:00.000-05:00

Don't miss the moment where you can realize the impact of cutting something and someone out of your life. You'll learn that maybe everyone else was right, maybe you really are stronger than you think. (a) day 1 no soda/caffeine. b) Landon and I are done, actually we were done as of a couple weeks ago - he disappeared, and I can't take the back and forth anymore. I told him that I was deleting him if I didn't hear from him. I deleted him. He didn't come looking for me. I can only assume that's what he wanted and he just wasn't man enough to admit it.)

Don't miss the moment where you can push yourself to your physical limit. It's the only way you can get better. Water Aerobics is kicking my butt, but I can feel my muscles getting stronger. Especially in my right arm, which is a miracle. I have so much nerve damage on my right side that it's incredibly hard to feel any strength or much control of the muscles. But this is making a difference. It's awesome.

Don't miss the moment where you can shove all of those assumptions you didn't know you had made into the garbage for good. People will surprise you when you least expect in the most beautiful ways, sometimes without doing anything at all. I had dinner with my friend Gabe tonight, and I learned so much in that 45 minutes with him, about God, about family, about friendship, about who he is as a person. I learned I had to drop that high school mindset I keep gravitating back towards FOR GOOD. The good-looking, popular people can be my friend. I have zero reasons to be scared of a guy who was nice enough to come out and sit and talk with me about people he doesn't know and experiences he's never dealt with. But he has no idea how much he helped.

Don't miss the moment when you can feel God whisper, "It's going to be okay." That's the moment that will keep you from losing your mind. I haven't let on how stressed I've been about what's going on with Mom, mostly because I'd be repeating the same things over and over again. That's a lot of what Gabe and I talked about. By the time I left, I felt God telling me that no matter what these test results say, no matter what is going on, we can get through it. He will give me the strength to help Mom in whatever way she needs me, even if that way is just to leave her alone.

Don't miss the tiny moments, the moments that seem like they probably won't matter. Those are the moments that can change your life and change you for the better.

Keep all tailless donkeys away from me.

2012-02-07T21:36:00.002-05:00

Today was much better. Well, less weird, I guess, because yesterday was overall okay, too.

I only made an idiot out of myself once, so that's an improvement. Ha! It was at the end of our College Democrats meeting. (Which, that went better. I ran into Dr. Mero and mentioned how I was feeling and what had been going on, and he said he'd talked to Tracie, the president. I'm not sure if he already did, but if he didn't, that means hopefully things will STAY better.) We were playing "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" (because we're Democrats, get it? haha Tracie thought she was so clever) and I was trying to avoid playing, but they made me. So Chris spun me around, and he made sure I was headed for the wall when he stopped me, just like I saw him do with everyone else. Instead of going STRAIGHT, ya know, TOWARDS THE WALL, I totally veered off to the left and ran into the desks.

Which is exactly why I was trying to avoid playing. Ugh. That was kind of embarrassing, but no one made fun of me (to my face, anyway). It's my lack of balance!

All that aside, today was good. Dr. Steegar let class out almost half an hour early, which he has NEVER done in the entire five semesters that I have had him. I always love French.

I got invited to join the Pi Gamma Mu Honor Society in the Political Science/History/Criminal Justice Department. $45 for a lifetime membership and the resume boost? Yes, please. Of course, they mailed the form to Mom and I never got the email, so I had to go by today, and the receptionist had already sent the forms back to a professor, and he wasn't in his office, so I have to go back tomorrow. It's weird that I don't ever really go in that building anymore because I have no Political Science classes this semester. Oh well, soon enough I'll practically be living in there.

Okay, I have nothing else to say. Here's a fun video for your enjoyment. It's a song by some dude named Gotye, but Pentatonix is in the video, and they won the most recent season of The Sing-Off. I don't like the original, but I LOVE THIS. It's been on repeat almost constantly since I downloaded it (for free!) yesterday.

Note to self: Read messages in full.

2012-02-06T21:37:00.001-05:00

Today was just full of "A+ Mal" moments.

Did you catch the sarcasm?

Number one: I remembered about 3:00 this afternoon when I was in the shower that I was supposed to be at Dr. Steegar's office....on Friday. Though I'm not quite sure if he realized it seeing as he didn't say anything in class this morning, but still. Three. days.

Two: I called my friend in the middle of her photography class trying to find a ride to Water Aerobics because Chelsea gave me about 45 minutes notice that she wasn't going to class today. But I suppose in my defense, how was I supposed to know she would answer in the middle of class?

Three: I asked a complete stranger to give me a ride to the pool. Thank the Lord that she was nice enough to do it.

Four: I saw a status on Facebook from my friend Gabe saying that if we filled out this survey in our email we could take it to the SGA office and get some free gift. Well, I apparently missed the word "tomorrow" or something, and it didn't occur to me that the SGA office would be closed at 6:30 at night, because I spent 30 minutes walking around the building that I knew housed the SGA office in its basement in the freezing cold trying to figure out how to get in. Thankfully another complete stranger clued me in.

Five: I spilled soy sauce ALL over a table in the dining hall.

What a day. I am exhausted.

Here's hoping I'm not quite such a dork tomorrow.

Oh, who am I kidding. That's not going to happen.

Sports and Pictures

2012-02-05T21:53:00.002-05:00

I don't watch NFL football.

Y'all know me. The only football I do watch is NC State football.

So can someone, ANYONE, explain to me why I cannot let myself go to bed until the Super Bowl is over???

I could not care less who wins. Yet I also refuse to go to bed.

I don't even know what my mind is thinking in this one. And yes, I do know I'm a dork.

Oh, I finished my wall, so I decided to take pictures of everything so you could see. :)

The full wall.

My Vespers poster. The one I got signed at their Charlotte show in April. This has been on my wall all year.

Me and Jay on the left and me and Paddy on the right. They're my two favorite British boys. I can't wait to see them this summer! The Jay picture is from the farewell dinner on the US portion of the exchange, so the last time I saw him. The Paddy picture is from the day we arrived in Liverpool. I'm surprised I look so bright and awake, because I was pretty much running on adrenaline at that point. (4 hours of sleep in 48 hours, not good for me.)

Pete, me and Ben. They're from Scarlet Grey, whom I was blessed enough to meet in Charlotte in March 2010. These two pictures make me smile every time I look at them. I miss them so much!

The Christmas 2011 picture of me and Matt.

Blake. This is from a professional shoot we had done of him in December. Can't have a picture wall without one of my Blake man! :)

Me and Amy at the 125th Anniversary Ball in October.

Me and Ryann. Of course.

Me and Elizabeth at the Anniversary Ball.

The "information page" on my Compassion son, Mauricio.

(There was a picture here, but Elijah's Hope asked me to remove it. That is also why his picture is blacked out in the full wall picture at the top.)

This is something new. Or rather, someONE new. I've read a blog for several years named A Place Called Simplicity. Linny, the blogger, and her husband Dwight have adopted 8 of their 11 children, and just recently moved from Colorado to Phoenix because their newest daughter, precious Ruby Grace, has hydrocephaly and several other issues that require close proximity to skilled doctors. (I totally get that.) Dwight was a pastor, but he retired when they realized that had to move. Now that they have settled in Phoenix, Linny and Dwight have decided to become full-time international missionaries to the orphan and third world pastors. Part of this new ministry is a leg called Elijah's Hope, where you can "adopt an orphan in prayer," committing to praying for them to get a forever family. Pretty incredible, huh? Well, Guru is "my" orphan. :) I'm so glad to be able to make a difference somehow.

This is me and The Vespers in October. It was originally on my wall above the picture of Blake, but I taped it wrong and so it wasn't sticking. So now it sits on my desk. :)

Oh, look, and that took so long to write the Super Bowl is over. Awesome. Good night world.

Oops?

2012-02-04T23:59:00.000-05:00

Today has been horribly unproductive.

The only homework I've done was my reading for French Lit. I sat down in my chair to read Psychology and ended up falling asleep for 3 hours. I'd say I'm sorry that happened, but that would be a lie. That sleep felt fantastic. I love that chair. I wish I could bring it to DC with me.

Now it's actually a good thing it's this late because all four of my laundry loads are washing right now. Which makes the laundry process go way faster. :) I love doing laundry here.

And yes, I know that sounded weird.

It just occurred to me like fifteen minutes ago that today is my cousin Brianna's 13th birthday. Holy crap, that girl is a teenager. Insane. It feels like it was just yesterday I was 13. I'm getting old. I feel bad for forgetting, but I'll just text her tomorrow.

Matt is such a dork. He's on Facebook talking about how messed up his sinuses have been for about a week and he doesn't know what's going on. Apparently that school of his didn't teach him that when you don't have bad allergies and your sinuses have been messed up for a week, that means you're sick. ;) I told him Sudafed and Mucinex D would help since I know that boy doesn't have time to go to a doctor between teaching all day and dishwashing at night. What would he do without me?

Don't ask how my mind works, just go with it.

2012-02-03T23:55:00.018-05:00

My friend Elizabeth came to my rescue tonight.

I was sitting in my room super bored. I saw her sign on to Facebook, and so I asked if she'd eaten dinner yet. She said no, and asked if I wanted to get together. I said yes because I was, like I said, SUPER BORED.

FYI, super bored? It's like regular bored, except I'm also wearing a cape.

So we went off to Chick-Fil-A and had dinner and sat and ate and talked and it was lovely. She gives such good advice, and she's like Ryann in that she's super protective of me. She said she still wants to punch Nick for what he did...two months ago. Ha! I love her to pieces. After we sat there a while, I said "You know what I want now?" And she said "coffee" and I said "hot chocolate" at the same time. And then she said, "Coffee is my hot chocolate." Haha! So we went off to the Oasis where the mini-Starbucks is and sat and drank and talked some more. Two hours with one of my dearest friends was the perfect solution to my boredom problem.

And then I came back and did absolutely nothing important except my Algebra homework. I taped a bunch of pictures of my favorite people on my wall, and I think I'm going to add some more tomorrow. I'm tired. And hot and sweaty because my room is like a sauna. Thank God for fans.

Also, thanks to my lovely excursion tonight, I have this in my head.

I love The Polar Express, and that is my favorite scene in the whole movie.

Okay, I'm done.

Vesperversary!

2012-02-02T22:49:00.005-05:00

Dude.

My life rocks.

Like, seriously.

I have ridiculously awesome friends (here and around the freaking world!), hilarious professors at a school I absolutely adore, and a Mom who still thinks about protecting me when she's in pain. (Pray she gets some answers to this severe pain in her side that she's had for weeks, two major tests today and tomorrow.)

I always love French. French is just awesome. Dr. Steegar is awesome. The fact that I have it with my best friend is awesome. I ran into Dr. Steegar in line at the deli getting lunch and I made a joke, and I had to tell the workers I'm one of his students so they didn't think I was being rude, even though he was laughing.

And I love my Econ class more and more every day. Today, Dr. Steckbeck made a joke talking about if we had a car from the '50s our only seatbelts would be lap belts and then "when you get in a car wreck, you'd be split in two and then you'd be beside yourself." The entire class cracked up laughing, and he laughed so hard he turned bright red and it took him a full two minutes to catch his breath and get back to normal.

Right now I'm having a hilarious conversation with my British brother Paddy, and he's just so awesome. 3+ years later and I still absolutely adore this kid. I can't wait to see him in August!

Wondering what a Vesperversary is yet? It's the anniversary of the day I met The Vespers! I met four of the coolest people on the planet one year ago today. And yes, I did wear my Vespers t-shirt in celebration. And tweeted about it. It made them smile and laugh, which was just gravy.

I mean, I don't really know what else brought this mood on tonight, but it's here, so I'm going to take full advantage of it. :) Well, I would if I didn't need to get to bed, but I'm enjoying it now! So that counts for something.

What makes you the happiest?

2012-02-01T22:49:00.000-05:00

Believe it or not, as cheesy and cliché as this is going to sound, my answer?

Helping people.

I don't think anything makes me happier or feel more fulfilled than when I get the opportunity to "be there" for someone else. I love knowing that I have made someone's day brighter, that I have made a difference to someone in some way. I don't care if it's helping someone study, or just listening to them vent about a problem, or anything else, I just want to be doing something.

I told a friend in a conversation one day that if I can die knowing that I made a difference to even ONE person, then I can die feeling as if I have succeeded.

Case in point: There are only two guys in my Water Aerobics class. I'm not gonna lie, getting to watch two good-looking guys work out is a part of the reason why I like this class. ;) Their names are Blake and Kerry. I don't remember ever seeing Blake before, but I vividly remember seeing Kerry all over campus many many times over the past two years, I just never had a good reason to talk to him before because I don't think we've ever had class together.

Well, today after class, those two and Chelsea and I were all leaving the pool at the same time. They both waited and held the doors open for us, which was an automatic point in my book because I feel like I don't see that very often anymore. :) We talked for a minute as we headed out and it was kind of funny because when I asked them their names, they asked mine and Chelsea's, and then Blake said, "Nice to meet you. Well, that sounds weird, being in class together 3 weeks and saying 'nice to meet you.' I guess, nice to know your name." Sorry, I guess you had to be there.

Anyway, I promise I'm getting to the relevant part. When I got back to my room and sat down to cool off for a minute (70+ degrees on February 1st, welcome to NC), I remembered Blake's last name from hearing Mr. Burckhardt call roll, so I looked him up on Facebook (isn't that what everyone does nowadays? hello, social media age), found Kerry on his friends list because I knew they were friends and added him, too. They both relatively quickly accepted the requests (which was nice because for a minute I was afraid it'd come off weird), and I did the also-usual reading of their Facebook profiles. That was when I noticed something on Kerry's.

He lost his dad in the not too distant past. Almost immediately, something in my head said "Reach out to him." It may have been God, it may not, who knows, but I did it. Because I know how quiet people can keep subjects like this, how lonely it can feel, how it's something that you can't totally understand unless you've been through it. So I sent him a simple Facebook message.

"hey :) thanks for accepting the friend request. I was looking around at your facebook and saw that you lost your dad not too long ago. so I just wanted to tell you that I've been there, I lost my dad several years ago and his birthday was actually on sunday, and if you ever need to talk to someone who gets it, I love to listen to people. I mean, I know that guys usually don't like to talk about their feelings and such, but this is a really crappy situation, and I know how hard the pain can be, so I just thought I'd put the offer out there that I'm here if you ever do need someone. have a good day. :)"

He literally INSTANTLY wrote back a thank you, saying that he'd "definitely keep that in mind".

Who knows if he'll need me. That's not what I care about. What I care about is knowing that I simply offered. Because I was so young when my dad passed away, I don't think I really started processing it all till a few years later, when I hit that awkward pre-teen/teenage stage when I didn't want to talk to my family, and I had no friends, and I often wished I had someone who would listen to how much the grief sucked.

Part of me feels like I wouldn't have been doing my dad and the story losing him has given me justice if I hadn't said anything. Does that sound crazy? I guess what I mean is that I'm trying to make something good out of it, and helping people is what I know I can always do, or at least offer to do.

So yeah, that's the highlight of my day. Or at least the only recap-worthy part of it.

P.S. I'm not gonna lie. My love language is words of affirmation. I like knowing someone needs me. That's probably a tad selfish, but I think it ties back in to the whole "I want to make a difference to people" thing. I don't know. I'm going to bed.

Not quite sure where today went.

2012-01-31T21:15:00.000-05:00

I woke up with a migraine

missed French

slept some more

went to lunch

dragged myself to Economics

then came back

and I have no idea where the past five and a half hours went because I can't remember anything I've done in that time except eat tuna for dinner because Shouse is closed for maintenance which really sucks because I wanted Mexican for dinner.

I'm going to try to force myself to finish this reading for French Lit I need to do, but that may or may not happen because this referred pain sucks really bad so all I basically want to do right now is sleep because sleep is the only time I forget how bad it hurts.

And apparently, I'm the queen of run-on sentences today.

Ugh, I should get this done so I can go to bed at a reasonable time.

Here's to hoping for less pain tomorrow.

My life's motto? Maybe.

2012-01-30T22:33:00.001-05:00

Or something like that, anyway.

As Ryann and I were leaving French this morning, she asked me where I was off to. I told her I had a Psychology test at 10, so I was going to review before it. I said, "That should be interesting since I slept like crap last night." She asked me why and I told her it was because my head hurt and I've been having referred pain in my shoulder from my lungs. I then had to explain to her what pleurisy is (inflammation of the lining of your lungs, in case you don't know) and she sighed and said, "Geez, Mal. I don't know how you do it." I then responded with something I've found myself saying a LOT over the past few years.

"You don't know what you can do until you have to."

And really, it's so true. Ryann agreed with me. Everyone has times in their life where they somehow manage to power through stuff even though they have NO idea how they found the energy and strength to keep from collapsing. They keep going even when they know everyone would totally understand if they quit.

I don't manage to stay in school because I'm superhuman, or special. I do what I do because, in my mind, I don't have any other choice. My education and my plans for the future are incredibly important to me, and God knows this. God saw when I fought through all those surgeries to come back to Campbell, so He knows what I'm willing to do. God knows my heart better than I do; He knows my capabilities even when I'm second-guessing myself. He, and He alone, gives me the strength to "suck it up" and go to class when my body wants to just stay in bed and cry from pain. I'm not strong, He is.

And this doesn't just apply to me, you know. I can guarantee you've been in my position before, albeit under different circumstances. I think it's part of human nature to lose faith in yourself. I frequently wish I had as much faith in me as everyone else seems to. But that's OKAY. I think the point when you feel like you're breaking is when you're most likely to accept that you aren't in control and that God is.

I'm not saying you should only remember to rely on God when things get tough, not at all. What I'm saying is that remembering He's in control during the bad times will help get you back to the good times. It's easy to think of your blessings when nothing's wrong, isn't it? The key is to not lose sight of God in the darkness, to keep in mind that He is there with you. I fought with this issue throughout all the brain surgeries and hospital stays. I had a really hard time reconciling the idea that a God that loved me was also a God that would "let me go through that". (I see it differently now, but that's how my mind was seeing it then.)

And who knows - maybe the reason I had six surgeries is because He wanted me to get the lesson behind it all. I've always been stubborn. ;)

Anyway, it's late and I'm tired, so the point I'm trying to get to is this: If you put your trust in God and His unending love and care, He will get you through you never imagined you could do.

He's a bit of a show-off. You know, Ephesians 3:20 and all that. ;)

My mom is a genius.

2012-01-29T22:34:00.000-05:00

My mom decided several months ago that if I got into my DC program this summer, she was turning my room at home into a Wolfpack room for Blake. This way he gets out of Chelsea's and there might be a better chance of keeping his stuff organized. It doesn't in Chelsea's room because Chelsea's a slob.

Well, she just sent me pictures of the room almost entirely done. She said all that is left is adding a few decals and a stencil of the NC State logo she's borrowing from a friend.

Look at these pictures. This woman is a freaking genius! I still firmly believe she was meant to be a teacher, but I'm fairly certain she was an interior decorator in a past life.

Sorry the quality sucks. She texted me the pictures (yay for her learning picture mail) and I don't know how to blog from my phone, so I had to email them to myself to upload them.

I, for one, LOVE IT. I can't wait to see what it looks like in person. Only five weeks till Spring Break.

Wolfpack Pride, baby.

Saturday Habits

2012-01-28T22:36:00.000-05:00

Every Saturday that I am at school, it seems that two things must happen.

One, I wake up with a migraine.

Two, I watch Dateline: Real Life Mysteries marathons.

The first is a bit mindboggling since, aside from Saturdays, I basically don't have migraines anymore.

The second is just fun. I love crime shows. Funny, since I was so freaking paranoid for so long.

Your typical Saturday: headache, homework (not enough of it, see previously mentioned migraine), television, laundry, sports, sleep.

Speaking of laundry, I need to go change the loads! And people really need to learn how to come GET their stuff once it's dry! Our laundry room is overflowing.

Ending on a high note is always good.

2012-01-27T23:08:00.000-05:00

So.

I have no idea why I always want to start out my blog posts with that. It's probably because that's how I tend to start out stories that I'm telling in person. Anyway.

Today didn't start off so great.

I slept like crap.

It was pouring rain and I got soaked because even supposedly "jumbo size" umbrellas aren't made big enough to cover a whole person and their bookbag. And my umbrella flipped inside out. But only my left side and my bookbag were soaked in my 7 or 8 minute walk to French. Which doesn't really make sense that only my left side got wet because the wind blew my umbrella totally inside out in the middle of the walk, but whatever.

I had a headache.

I couldn't get answers right in Psychology for the life of me.

I choked on food during lunch and ended up throwing up phlegm and water all over a table.

But then, I came back to my dorm. And things got better.

First, the full performance of "Smooth Criminal" from this Tuesday's Michael Jackson episode of Glee came out. And whoa. Mind = blown.

And then I went and was one of the timers at the swim meet. And Campbell won. It was a cool experience.

And Amy drove me there and picked me up. We had already made plans to get dinner after, but when she picked me up, she said "I'd like to treat you to dinner as a celebration of you getting your internship, if you'll let me." I have such amazing friends.

And then we went to Zaxby's, and it was delicious.

And I got my antibiotic filled so I can hopefully start feeling better soon.

And then I came back and rewatched the Glee "Smooth Criminal" video over and over and over again, and decided to look up the Croatian cello duo that was guest-performing in it. And I found their personal music video of the song that made them such a huge Youtube hit that they're now going on tour with Elton John. As a mediocre violin player, I am seriously in awe of these two and their talent. You can tell the music and the energy is flowing through every inch of their body. WATCH IT!!

They must go through a LOT of bows. If you look closely enough, you can see all the hairs that have snapped and are flinging around. Crazy, huh?

My lucky day? Um, sure.

2012-01-26T20:43:00.000-05:00

Well, on the upside, now I know why I feel like dirt. That kind of comes with the territory when you have bronchitis and a sinus infection.

The Campbell infirmary has this policy that you have to go and get seen by a nurse, and then set up an appointment to see the PA.

Yes, $30,000+ a year and we don't even get a real doctor.

And technically, you're supposed to call beforehand to get an appointment to see the nurse.

Well, I didn't decide to even go to the infirmary until last night when my mom insisted that I go, and then when it was backed up by Ryann getting all persistent with me this morning. She's so hilariously sweet. So I decided to go after I ate lunch during my break between French and Economics. I got in there about 12:45, and saw a nurse right then.

When she was done with the simple stuff she had to do, she brought me back out to look at the appointment book. She said the only one they had open for the rest of the day was 3:15. I don't get out of class till 3:20. Some other nurse behind her said, "Well, it's your lucky day. Our 1:00 appointment isn't here yet, you can be seen now."

I never thought "lucky day" and "bronchitis and a sinus infection" could be used in the same meeting.

But hey, now I know. Now. I. know.

Now I'm actually hoping I'm sick.

2012-01-25T20:37:00.000-05:00

Because if not, the fact that I have this little energy on the third week of classes is a sad, sad sign.

Sorry that I have for all intents and purposes disappeared from my blog for a couple days, but I am seriously sitting here typing with my head laying on my arm because it hurts and I am exhausted.

So I am getting in bed now. Before 9:00. When I don't have to get up until 9:30 tomorrow. That's how you really know something is up with me because two words - night. owl.

Bleck.

Rough Day

2012-01-24T19:52:00.001-05:00

Mostly because I feel like crap. Ryann actually told me I looked like death this morning, which is probably an accurate description considering I've felt like I was two seconds away from passing out all day long.

In other news, I got all of the things I had to do to officially enroll in my internship program, which is exciting.

But yeah, that's really all there is to today. Class, sick, missed Econ (which I hate, but I didn't have much of a choice, I was scared I was going to throw up and/or pass out), stupid event I'm forced to walk all the way across campus to go to in an hour to help set up but am telling Ms. President that I'm sick and cannot stay. And she'll just have to get over it.

And then I'm coming and climbing directly in bed because I was smart and took a shower this afternoon.

Good night.

In need of stress relief.

2012-01-23T22:29:00.000-05:00

Because the things that are usually my stress relief (music, teen soaps on ABC Family) don't seem to be cutting it.

I love the College Democrats. I promise, I do.

But here's the thing. They are wasting. my. time.

My sole job is to print and distribute flyers! A trained monkey can do that.

They don't ask me for my ideas.

They meet with each other and decide things without bothering to tell me.

And that's on top of our obsessive president who feels the need to have an officer meeting of some kind every week on top of regular full-group meetings and events. We had a meeting tonight and have two events this week, one of which was organized by the College Republicans but for some reason we're required to attend?

And then they tell me I'm supposed to raise $1500 in the next three months for Relay for Life. I don't go home. I don't have a car to drive around and ask people. Does this matter to them? No, because they all have cars and go home whenever they please.

And there's no talking to these people because the last time I tried that, they were so condescending they stopped just short of patting me on the head and telling me to be a good little girl. If this doesn't change reaaal quick, I'm talking to Dr. Mero. I have way more important things and people I can focus on who will actually treat me with some respect.

On an unrelated note, I went and filled out the enrollment form for the internship tonight and then found out that I was supposed to mail in a "payment voucher" with my deposit check this morning. A voucher I didn't know existed until I finished the enrollment form. Oops? That means I get to go back to the post office tomorrow, most likely, which is funny since I've been there every day (except this weekend) for the past week.

Deep breaths. Tomorrow is a new day. There will be new people.

Lord, I pray that I wake up in a better mood. And also, if I could wake up without this sinus headache, that would be just super.

Well, this is weird.

2012-01-22T20:59:00.002-05:00

It's 8:50 on a Sunday night, and I'm actually done with all of my homework. In fact, I finished about 35 minutes ago.

And I showered, shaved, plucked my eyebrows, watched the 2nd half of the State basketball game (because I didn't remember it was on until then, and as a side note, I pretty much want to marry Scott Wood - hasn't missed a free throw all season! 56 free throws in a row! ACC record!) and did my dishes.

I don't know if this has ever happened before.

I'm excited for tomorrow. Ryann was on a ski trip all weekend, so I'm not sure if she got my text about the internship on Friday, and if she didn't I know she's going to completely freak out. Plus, I actually understood the reading I had to do for French Lit, which was also a new experience. Plus, I get to go to Water Aerobics tomorrow.

Mom let Chelsea back in. Not surprised.

I'm not sure why I bother blogging this random dull nonsense. It's not like twenty years from now I'm going to wonder what I did on a random Sunday in January 2012, but hey, it's fun. And a habit.

And yes, in case you were curious, I'm still on Cloud Nine about DC. Add that to the list of reasons I am excited about tomorrow - I get to go mail off the deposit check. :)

Also, I got 108 points on one four-letter word in Words With Friends. It was awesome. Who knew "prez" was a real word?

Yawn.

I think I'm going to bed early. Might as well. I have nothing better to do, and 6:30 is early.

Go orange!

2012-01-21T23:17:00.000-05:00

Today was fun.

Two basketball games, both of which we won - girls 70-56, boys 80-73.

Hospitality suite with good food and nice people and comfy chairs.

Got to hang out with my uncle.

Met an administration guy who told me the French ambassador to the US is coming to Raleigh on February 29.

And got my deposit check from Uncle Ed for the internship so I can mail it off Monday. Holy cow it's actually happening!

Then I've done homework and laundry.

Tomorrow is more homework.

A typical weekend, but a good one nonetheless.

Plus, I got a new Facebook profile picture.

Yay Gaylord!

A Letter

2012-01-20T14:08:00.003-05:00

I received a link to this today.

See it? It might be a tad too tiny.

You can click on it to make it larger, but I'll just make it simpler for you and zoom in...

I got it. I got an internship. I got a scholarship to my internship.

I am spending June 10th to August 4th in DC this summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The second I finished speed-reading the letter, I bolted out the door and called Mom. Luckily there are no classes today because they're still doing re-tests of the first semester exams, so she had her phone on. I then proceeded to call every important person in my contact list. :D And then I bolted to go tell my advisor. He is so awesome. He said he would have been shocked had I NOT gotten in.

Today is so awesome. This week is awesome. MY LIFE is awesome. I am so incredibly blessed!!!

Do me a favor and pray that I can get all of the money taken care of. The cost of the program is $6995, so while the scholarship plus the 5% discount is great, it still leaves a lot to cover. Dr. Thornton is contacting the head of the department to see if they have any money they can give me, so if they do, that will help some. I'm calling Uncle Ed back later because he didn't answer earlier, and I'm really praying he'll help. I think he will, but you can never be sure. Plus I have $1000 from my grandfather (dad's dad) that he's been holding waiting for me to contact him, so that can be used for spending money.

Update: Just talked to Uncle Ed. After I find out how much Campbell is willing to give me, he said he'll pay the rest. God is so good to have blessed me with an angel like this man.

Honestly, I'm still kind of in shock. I can't believe this is really happening!! :) :) :)

Why can't every day be this awesome?

2012-01-19T20:02:00.001-05:00

Do you know what's one of the best feelings in the world? Holding in your hands the product of weeks of prayer for some of your dearest friends, and knowing that their hard work has come to fruition, and being so excited you can hardly stand it when you think about what the future is going to bring for them. It really is surreal.

All of that and so much more was racing through my head when I went to the post office today and pulled out this.

I promptly called Bruno and left him a message telling him just how proud of them all I am and how excited I am to finally have it in my hands. He played it for the others, and Taylor tweeted me later and told me my message was "as sincere and genuine as he's ever heard" and he knows I meant every word of it.

Plus, the thing is just gorgeous! They did a fantastic job of designing the case.

And seriously, aren't these kids, like, so freaking pretty? Seriously.

Part two of why this day is awesome: My phone interview for my internship with the Institute that I applied to (Economics and International Affairs). I think it went really well! The lady on the phone, Haley, was really nice. It only lasted about ten minutes, and I think I did a fair job at not letting on how jumpy with anxiety and nerves I was. She said that Dr. Thornton had great things to say in his recommendation letter, and they take his words very seriously. Best of all, though? This is the last step in the application process. I was her last phone interview of the week. Decisions will be online this weekend. Ahhhh!!!!! :D (This is the best part because, to me, waiting is worse than the possibility of rejection.)

Needless to say, I am having a fantastic day.

Yay.

Ribbit!

2012-01-18T22:46:00.003-05:00

You're wondering what that title is about, aren't you?

I had my first Water Aerobics class today. It was SO much fun. I think it's going to be really good for me. Right now, I'm really sore, but I guess that's to be expected when I had about 4 straight years where I was unable to exercise. I think they call this the good kind of pain?

I love the guy who teaches it. He's a lot of fun and very nice and understanding. I told him all about my various disabilities (like the steel in my back that prevents me from doing a lot of the stretching exercises and such). Throughout the entire class he gave me alternate exercises if we were doing something he thought I couldn't do, and he asked me about twelve times if I was doing okay. He diesn't take anything too seriously.

He was cracking jokes the entire period. Exhibit A? When we had to do "frog jumps" (jumping, pulling your knees up to your chest, and pushing your hands down in the water) he told us we were required to yell "ribbit." And when pretty much the entire class was hesitant, he screamed, "I can't HEAR YOU!" It was hilarious.

The rest of my classes weren't very exciting. Wednesdays are going to kick my butt this semester. My first class starts at 8:00, and my last class doesn't end until 5:20. Of course, I have lots of breaks, but those breaks are filled with lots of other random tasks I have to complete. I'm grateful, though, that only one day out of the week is that crazy. The other four are actually pretty easy.

I decided not to do the debate. It's just a lot of extra time that I'm not sure I can commit to, and I don't want to let my club down. It feels good, so my gut is telling me that's the right thing to do.

And the most exciting news of the day...when I got back to my room after Algebra and dinner, I checked my emails. I got to my Campbell email, and I found one from the DC internship group that I am STILL waiting to hear back from as to whether or not I've been accepted. They want to have a phone interview with me either tomorrow or Friday! Because I didn't see the email until after the workday ended, I don't know yet when the interview will be because the time the lady who sent the email suggested is when I have class. So we'll see. I told her when I'm free tomorrow and Friday. I'm so excited!!! I mean, this has to be a good sign, right?! I hope it is! Ahhh!! I'll keep you posted. But cross your fingers!

I have to finish watching Revenge, and then I have to write a French composition that I didn't remember that I had to do until about an hour ago. And then, I'm going to bed because 6:30? That was a looooong time ago.

Decisions, decisions.

2012-01-17T21:26:00.000-05:00

The officers of the College Democrats had a meeting tonight. The whole Leadership Council got restaffed at the end of last semester because all but one of the officers graduated, and we have to figure how to get our club really running and making a difference on campus because until this school year, this club was, for all intents and purposes, non-existent.

A big topic of discussion tonight was this debate that the Campbell Times, the school newspaper, wants to host in March between the College Republicans and the College Democrats. A guy from the newspaper who is a member of our club and will be one of the two moderators of the debate came to answer any of our questions. The meeting started off with basically all of the officers thinking that this debate is a bad idea and that we aren't going to do it, but this newspaper guy, Louis, convinced most of us. So I think we are doing it. Louis says that in order to be really prepared in "the art of debating," we need to have 2-hour practices twice a week. Everyone wants me to do it, but I honestly don't know if I can commit to that much time. That's a lot on top of all the meetings our president wants us to have, basically a meeting every week, plus club events, plus classes.

I'm a bit of a people-pleaser, I will admit, but I also don't want to commit to this and then show up at the debate unprepared and damage the reputation of my club. I think I need to think on it for a day, sleep on it, and not make any rash decisions just because I'm feeling stressed and pressured right now. I also have to take care of me and what I need and want, something I'm finally getting better at.

Lord, give me wisdom.

No package today. Bruno said it will be here "maybe tomorrow" and I hope he's right. Patience is not one of my strong suits. ;) Hopefully I can get my new friend Chelsea to drive me by the post office after Water Aerobics. I'm gonna have a crazy day tomorrow, 8:00 to 5:20. Yikes. French Lit 8:00-8:50, Psychology 10:00-10:50, Water Aerobics 1:00-1:50, and College Algebra 4:00-5:20. Luckily Wednesday is my only day that is this packed and long. And that reminds me, I need to print off the notes for Algebra. See, blogging reminds me of stuff!

Yawn. Good night, people.

Simultaneous Opposing Feelings

2012-01-16T22:07:00.000-05:00

Mom kicked Chelsea out Friday night. Shane broke up with her either Saturday or Sunday. Thankfully, Mom still has Blake, but I'm not sure how long that's gonna last because I'm frankly surprised Chelsea left him in the first place. Basically, all hell has broken loose...again.

I'm really glad I'm not there in the middle of it.

I also really wish I was there to help Mom because even via text message I can tell she's pushed to her limit.

Funny how emotions can work like that.

Today has also gone by SUPER slow.

I'm waiting on my Vespers package. It probably would've come in today were it not a holiday. Hopefully it'll come in tomorrow. Other people got their packages pretty quickly, so hopefully.

I'm simply exhausted. I have nothing more to say.

Here's to praying for a better tomorrow.

This is why I'm grateful.

2012-01-15T21:28:00.001-05:00

I was watching an "Untold Stories of the ER" marathon this afternoon.

Some of the stories were just gross (see: homeless man with foot covered in maggots), some of them were heartwrenching (see: woman doesn't realize she's been shot in head twice because she's so upset about her killed friend), some were hilarious (see: drunk guy didn't want to pay hospital bills so he covered his broken ankle in cement and closed a wound with copper wire, then ended up at the hospital four days later anyway), and some were just downright creepy (see: man with four pound steel hook THROUGH HIS FACE).

Call me a masochist if you must, but as nervewracking as every episode was, and despite the fact that every story seemed to get worse and worse, I couldn't stop watching.

And at the end of the last episode, I knew exactly why.

There was a story of a ten-year-old boy who got hit in the head by a golf ball from about 150 yards away, and his mom took him to the hospital thinking he probably had a concussion. He was really lethargic and had weakness in his right arm and leg, so the doctor rushed him to CT, assuming he had bleeding between the skull and the spine. He actually had bleeding inside his brain that had formed into a decent sized blood clot.

Anyway, what I'm trying to get to is that at the end of the show, there was a clip of this boy in therapy trying to work to regain the ability to use his right arm and leg again. He had a severe limp, he just drug his leg along behind him, and his arm was constantly held to his stomach.

And my heart just broke. I couldn't help but think, "That could've been me."

I had a blood clot, too, and for some reason, I came out on the other side of it all without a single problem.

I survived the pressure in my skull rising dangerously close to fatal levels without an ounce of brain damage.

I survived staph meningitis, an infection that comes with a 25-30% mortality rate.

I survived a MRSA infection that was so severe I was 48 hours from septic shock when I arrived at the hospital.

Isn't that crazy?!?!

Have I had a lot of medical problems? Yes. But God has graced me with a body that knows how to recuperate faster than any doctor ever expects it to. He has brought me through trial after trial basically scot-free when there are people out there who get the same problems I have dealt with and either live with damages of those problems for the rest of their lives, or worse - they die.

God has saved me. I have beaten the odds half a dozen times (or more?), and I have a normal life now. My Psychology teacher assigned us to do a write-up on ourselves and include something "she couldn't tell by looking at us". My "thing" was that I have had 19 surgeries. You would have NO idea by looking at me what I have been through because God has carried me to safety using the skilled hands of some incredibly special doctors.

How can I be ANYTHING but grateful?! Grateful for my life, grateful for the unfathomable love that God has showered upon me every single day, grateful for the fact that I am a living miracle.

People have asked me how I'm not bitter. People mentioned that when I spoke at church on the 4th. People have asked me why I'm so postive about everything when I have every right to be angry.

This is why:

I am alive. God has saved me. I have no other choice but to be happy and grateful.

It's that simple.

My room smells like clams.

2012-01-14T21:25:00.000-05:00

No, that's not a typo.

Clams.

And it's all because I'm an idiot.

Shocker, I know. ;)

I wanted soup for dinner. I had clam chowder. I put said clam chowder in the microwave. I turned on microwave for the time thata clam chowder bowl said to turn it on for.

And then I didn't take out the bowl when I heard something popping.

Because I'm an idiot.

You know what's really not fun? Trying to clean clam chowder out of your microwave. Also, trying to get the clam smell out of your room.

And you know what the really stupid part about it is? This has happened before.

This is why I joke with people that I'm a "dumb smart girl." Because seriously, that was just stupid.

I need air freshener. I have no air freshener. Maybe if I cook popcorn it'll fade? At least some?

Please, hold your applause.

I like Fridays, but especially these ones.

2012-01-13T23:11:00.000-05:00

So.

6:30? Just as not fun as it was last semester. Especially when it's right after a night where I was SO. TIRED...until I laid down in bed. Don't you hate those nights? I'm not sure what time I actually fell asleep, but what I do know is that it was far too late when I had that kind of wake-up call.

The good news about French Lit is that, despite the fact that it requires immense amounts of thinking (foreign languages were simply not meant for early mornings), it's active enough that it kept me awake. In all of my classes, I think Dr. Steegar is the ONE professor in whose classes I have never fallen asleep. Plus, getting to have an extra class with my best friend and therefore getting to see her every day is totally worth it. :)

After that, I had an hour to kill before Psychology, and I tried to read the chapter that I didn't have time to read last night because I was so caught up with French Lit, but I ended up just falling asleep. And then I had a really hard time staying awake in class, but luckily either the teacher didn't notice or didn't care. I can get caught up on the reading this weekend.

This semester my schedule ROCKS. On Fridays, I am done at 10:50. Which is pretty freaking awesome. Because today that meant I could come back and take a nice long nap. And it felt FANTASTIC. I love sleep, and I love curling up under my warm covers.

And then when I woke up from my nap, I found this.

Taylor is seriously one of the nicest guys I've ever met. The world needs more genuine, humble, kind people like him.

And that, and the fact that my CD is in the mail on its way to me, is pretty much just the icing on the cake of awesomeness.

I am so blessed. So, so very blessed.

My Favorite Kind

2012-01-12T21:56:00.001-05:00

Today was busy. Today was long, and I didn't even get up until 9:30.

11:00 French Conversation. I got to see Ryann! Yay!!! :) I finally got to give her all of my Scopes notes that I saved for her, her Mac charger that she left in Steegar's office over Christmas break, and her picture. She loved her picture, and that just makes me so happy. Class was fine. French class is always funny. It's me, Ryann, Pam, and another girl named Taylor who I actually met last semester at the Study Abroad Fair, so it's cool. We also all talked with Steegar and we moved our French Lit class to 8:00 instead of 9:00 so that Ryann could add it and continue on the French Lit class she took last semester since she has another class at 9:00 (wow, that was a long sentence). So YAY, I get two classes with my best friend!

Then, Ryann and I went to lunch with her friend Bryce. We went to a deli on campus that I surprisingly have never eaten at before, and it was delicious. Bryce was super nice. That was just fun.

Then I went and chilled in the building where my 2:00 class was, because I certainly wasn't going to go back to my dorm - by the time I got back to my dorm, it would be time for me to leave to get to class. And then Econ was fine, not exciting but not totally boring, either. The professor seems pretty cool, and the workload is minor. I think it's safe to say that my two French classes are going to be my biggest stressors/concerns this semester, so I'm totally good with that.

Then I went and had a meeting with Dr. Mero. That was really nice. I really like him. He's very cool, and he really likes me, too, so we get along great, and he trusts me with all the important College Democrats information and stuff. Plus, we got had some good laughs about all the dumb people in
the State & Local Government class last semester.

And then I ate dinner, and took a shower, and did a crapload of homework. And here I am.

Today was busy.

Today was long.

But today was awesome.

And that's my favorite kind of day.

People as a whole don't generally suck.

2012-01-11T23:09:00.000-05:00

Nerds like me, we love the first day of school. I couldn't wait to go to my classes, see if I had any people I already knew in them, get my first impressions of my professors, get the syllabi, everything about the fun new feeling about all of it.

Like I said, I'm a nerd. And I will freely admit that. :)

French Literature was pretty much exactly what I expected it to be. It's basically like your average English class, just in a foreign language. The only other student in it is Pam, who I knew from our Conversation class last semester, so it will be nice. And I love Dr. Steegar. The work is going to be tough, but I absolutely love the French language. So I'm happy, not worried about it all.

General Psychology seems to be okay. I've always been interested in Psychology, so I'm glad I Get to take this as an elective. The professor seems to be the perfect combination of kind/caring and serious about her work. I'm happy I got a good seat in the class, too, because the room is tiny (it's in the basement of our Religion building) and there are a lot of people. The work load seems like your typical college class. There's no papers, and only one group project, so it'll be fine. The guys I sit next to seem nice.

Water Aerobics was cool. The teacher is very chill, relaxed, and very compassionate. He was super understanding when I explained to him about all of my physical disabilities and such, which put the concerns I had going in there at ease. Plus, I met a girl in there named Chelsea (ironically enough) who was sweet enough to agree to drive me to and from the pool every day that we have class. I walked from my dorm to the pool today (in the pouring rain!), and it was so painful. This is a huge relief for me.

College Algebra was fine. The class is half online, which means I only have to go to class once a week instead of twice, so that's pretty awesome. That aside, it's Algebra. I took Algebra 1 at age 11 in 7th grade and got like a 96 on it. I'm pretty sure I'll be fine. The teacher seems okay.

So yeah, I'm happy with today. There were a lot of nice people in my day. It reminds me that the amount of nice people at this school (and in the world in general) far outnumber the amount of mean people. That helped fight against this horrible migraine I've had all day. Of course the first day of class was the first day in weeks that I woke up with a migraine. Hey, what can you do? I spent like an hour tonight sitting at my desk in the pitch black with my head down, and that helped a lot.

Tomorrow's agenda includes French Conversation & Composition, Macroeconomics, and a meeting with Dr. Mero about College Democrats. I'm really going to appreciate not having to get up until 9:30. I think I'm going to go to bed now in hopes of sleeping off the rest of this headache.

Welcome

2012-01-10T21:57:00.000-05:00

You know what the best way for me to get over a bad mood is?

To think about all of the things I'm grateful for. And there sure are a lot of 'em.

Like lunch with good friends.

A meeting about a group I am so excited to be a part of.

Being involved in campus life in general.

Bruno texting me asking me for my address because he still wants to send me their CD for free.

But as odd as this is going to sound, I think the brightest part of my day was when I was leaving my meeting with Tracie, the College Dems president, and my friend Gabe was walking towards us and called out from forty or fifty feet away "Hey Mallory, how are you doin', hon?" and came up and gave me a huge hug.

It honestly still blows me away, the level of acceptance I have found here. Maybe it's my self-esteem issues, maybe it's my trust issues and rough past in dealing with other people my age, who knows. All I know is that I feel surrounded by people who don't give a crap about what I look like. I can finally be myself and be accepted for it. The people who do judge me are few and far between, rare enough that I forget about them. Instead, I get doors opened for me by complete strangers. I get hugs from guys who never would have spoken to me in high school. I get people asking for my help in class because they appreciate it, not because they want to use me. The only other place in the world that I have ever felt this accepted and welcome is at Camp Don Lee, the camp where I got saved when I was 11. It's so beautiful.

I remember several of you, along with others in my "real life" (and I hate saying that because the relationships I have formed through this blog are just as real and precious to me as any of my in-person friends, but you know what I mean), trying repeatedly over the past few years to tell me that people would start to love me more if and when I learned how to really love myself. But I know back then I didn't want to hear it. I was too caught up in my self-dug hole of misery and complaints to accept the fact that I had/have a hand in all of this.

Well, I'm starting to think you were right. And I am so glad you were. So if you were one of the people who tried to tell me that, over and over again fighting against my too-thick head, I have one thing to say.

Thanks for not giving up on me. :)

Add this to the list of things I missed.

2012-01-09T22:11:00.000-05:00

HAVING STUFF TO DO.

Today was pretty boring.

The only time I left my room was to go to the bookstore and get my textbooks for the semester. It was, like, the fastest trip to a college bookstore ever. Even the lines were moving quickly. It was awesome. And the people who work there are so nice; they know me well because of my "special account" the administration has set up for me because Uncle Ed buys my books, plus helping me several times out when I was in the power chair last year, and the simple fact that this campus really is like a family.

But tomorrow, I already have three things on the agenda.

Lunch with Amy.

A meeting with Tracie, the president of our College Democrats.

And dinner/hanging out with Morgan.

And then I may possibly see Ryann, if she has the time. I don't know, though, because she isn't even getting back to campus till late tonight, so I told her I wouldn't text her till tomorrow.

Classes start Wednesday, and I'm so looking forward to this. As NOT stressed as I was at the beginning of last semester, I can't imagine how nice this is going to be considering what classes I'm taking.

Have I mentioned how much I love this place?!?! :D

Happy Monday, lovelies.

It's good to be back.

2012-01-08T22:59:00.000-05:00

Oh, how I have missed the creek.

I have missed the silence.

I have missed knowing that my dear friends are within walking distance.

I love this place.

What I do not love is the physical labor involved in packing a car, unpacking a car, going to Walmart and buying more stuff, loading and unloading all of that, and then unpacking everything in my dorm room so that I can go to sleep.

I'm so tired I'm not even taking a shower tonight. Good thing I don't have to be anywhere early tomorrow (classes don't start till Wednesday), so I'll just take one in the morning.

It's amazing how you can leave a place for a month and then return and slide right back into your groove as if you never left.

Special shoutout to my mother who worked just as hard as I did today, and had to deal with my crying in the middle of the Walmart parking lot because I spent too much money and had to take some from her. Granted, she owes me a bunch of money anyway, and I am on my Provera hormones so I have a good excuse, but it was not pretty.

I got Ryann's picture printed and bought her frame, and I got the same picture printed and framed for me, plus the Christmas picture of Matt and me printed and framed. With those and my Blake picture and Vespers picture, once I by some mounting tape at the end of this month, my walls are going to be just beautiful. Ryann gets in tomorrow night, and I hope to get to see her on Tuesday, but at the very latest, I'll see her Thursday in French class.

Ah, yes, it is very good to be back in the creek. It will also be very good to sleep in my totally awesome bed.

I am happy. :)

So Long, Farewell

2012-01-07T23:10:00.001-05:00

It's finally here!

All of my clothes and all of my extra belongings, save for what I will need in the morning, are packed.

Mom dyed my hair back to the shade of brown you saw in this post. Hopefully this lasts longer than it did last time. It should, since I got my hair thinned and we left the dye in longer before I got in the shower, which means it should have saturated better.

We had a big feast of crab legs for dinner, and my mom made nachos a second time for lunch.

The only thing I have left to do tonight is make my shopping list for Walmart. Mom is taking me to get stuff there on the way back to school.

I am so, so, so ready to go. I miss school. I miss my friends. I miss not being ridiculously bored all of the time. Life is so much better for me when I'm away and can remove from the drama that comes as a package deal with being in this house.

Today was all right. Second to the crab legs, I think the highlight was when Mom sat through the Glee: The Concert movie with me just because she knew I wanted to see it and she wanted to spend time with me. She's nice.

Yawn. I am exhausted. Which is kind of ridiculous considering how late I slept today and the fact that I didn't exactly do anything strenuous. My body is funny. I'll probably go to bed when this Dateline: Real Life Mysteries is over. I tell ya, it's a good thing I'm not a super paranoid person because if I was, this show would make me terrified of getting married. Ha!

Okay, I'll shut up now before I get into some weird rambling.

My grandma, she kinda rocks.

2012-01-06T22:25:00.000-05:00

At the beginning of every semester, she takes me to the Commissary on Camp Lejeune and buys me a cart full of groceries. I didn't know this until recently, but apparently military families don't have to pay taxes for their groceries on base. So it's pretty awesome that she has lifetime privileges to get on base. The beach is way nicer, and tax-free groceries are just gravy. But yeah, she buys me a load of groceries every semester for no other reason than she loves me and is awesome.

Also, she has these CDs for each of her grandkids in her bank account, and I get $500 every semester, too, for various supplies and whatever else I need. Because, again, she's awesome. If I can ever manage to get a summer job, I'll try not to use all of mine up, but I know I definitely have a bit more than enough to get me to graduation. Any extra I'll save for when I get my own place, or my wedding, or something.

So yeah, I went grocery shopping today. It was nice because the weather was the perfect temperature so I didn't get all hot and sweaty, but my asthma also didn't flare up from it being too cold.

And then, when Mom got home, she made nachos for dinner, just because I told her I'd been craving them since we hadn't had them in forever and I bought the ingredients this afternoon. And to be nice, since Chelsea refuses to do anything even though we all know she's capable, I cleaned the kitchen and picked up the disasters Chelsea left all over our dining room/livingroom/kitchen. I couldn't take the mess anymore. It was for Mom and me. Just because Chelsea's a slob, that doesn't mean we should have to live like it, too.

All in all, I'm in a good mood today, despite not so nice stuff. I'm one day closer to Campbell, and it's the weekend which means Mom is home so I have a buffer against Chelsea. Mom's dying my hair back dark tomorrow night because the dye from the first time is pretty much entirely washed out, and I told her I want to go back to school looking different (and so Ryann can see it in person).

I found this on my friend Jess's blog, and I love it, so I'm putting it here for all to see. Because it's kind of perfect. Vivielle, this one's for you. :)

G'night, folks.

Sorry, there's no deep post tonight.

2012-01-05T23:30:00.004-05:00

And to think, I was kind of on a roll there for a second.

Look over there in my left sidebar! See that new button? Isn't it pretty? I joined this "One Word" community on Facebook which is just a bunch of people who have joined this whole "pick your word for the year" movement and we post about it on the wall and read each other's and stuff. Well, one of the women posted saying she was making buttons for anyone who wanted one for free. So I totally jumped on that train and immediately went over to her blog to comment that I wanted one. You know how long it took for her to email me back with the button already done? SIX MINUTES. My mind was sort of blown. Add that to the list of reasons I love blogland. 99% of the people you meet randomly on here are just awesome!

Three days to Campbell, three days to Campbell! I cannot wait to get out of this house. Because, seriously, listening to Chelsea talk and talk and TALK gets really old. Factor in that basically every other sentence is her saying I FEEL HORRIBLE OMG THIS SICKNESS IS SO BAD DID I MENTION I FEEL HORRIBLE?!?!?! and I pretty much want to cut out my own ears just to make it stop. I've tried really, really, really hard to be nice but finally today I was just like WOMAN! YOU'RE NOT DYING AND WE GET IT THAT YOU'RE SICK SHUT UP ABOUT IT ALREADY! She thinks she's so much sicker than Mom or I were/are (Mom's still sick), when the difference is just that we don't constantly complain about it. And even when my mom and I ask her nicely to please stop talking constantly, she refuses to shut up, even though she knows she's being annoying. But it's just how Chelsea's mind works. This behavior isn't new. I just really wish she'd learn that I don't need to know every single conversation she has with people at work especially when 75% of them consist almost entirely of OMG CHELSEA'S SICK WHY IS CHELSEA AT WORK CHELSEA NEEDS TO GO HOME OMG CHELSEA'S SICK.

Add that to the list of reasons why my mother is my hero.

I promise I'm in a perfectly fine mood. I'm just ranty. And way too hyper for 11:35 pm.

Nothing else exciting happened today. I did some laundry. I watched TV. But mostly I hid from Chelsea. Well, actually tried to hide. Because it's impossible to hide from Chelsea.

On to tomorrow. At least tomorrow I get out of the house.

Oh PS? I may find out whether or not I got my DC internship as early as this weekend!!!! Keep your fingers crossed!

Procrastination: It's not just for school.

2012-01-04T21:45:00.000-05:00

So, um, I gave my speech at church tonight. For someone as freakishly shy in front of crowds as I am, that was nervewracking. But either I'm really good at faking it, or people are just really nice, because a bunch of people said they couldn't tell that I was nervous. To sum it up, it was all about my journey through all the medical issues I've been dealt, and what I learned from it, and how I came out on the other side closer to God and stronger.

I didn't bring notes. Partially because I was afraid that if I brought notes I'd spend too much time looking at them instead of at the people, and partially because, hello, I'm a college student aka a master of procrastination. There are pluses and minuses to my choice, but I think that if I do this again for CUW, I won't bring notes there, either, because I'll be even more concerned about looking at notes too much there. The good news is that I didn't stumble too much, and my voice held out despite this nasty chest crud that will. not. go. AWAY.

It was fine. I mean, there are a few things I wish I'd said (see: minuses to not bringing notes), but it was a nice test run, and overall, I know what I'll say and what I should cut out and add for the next time. The dozen or so people that showed up prayed for me for basically all of the medical stuff that I talked about, so I was trying to not go TOO in detail. I was nervous that too many details I would bore them. But I knew almost everyone from past stuff, and they all seemed to be touched and appreciative. So I'm pleased and, to be quite honest, relieved to have gotten it out of the way and to not have to fret over it anymore.

In the end, I think the important part isn't what I said - I think it's that I did it at all. God is pleased that I obeyed Him and did what I felt in my heart He was asking me to do. If He asks something, I need to do it, whether or not it makes me uncomfortable because if it can bring glory to Him, then I'm doing my job. I'm a bit proud of myself for working past the nervousness, but mostly, I'm honored that God can use me in this way to minister to people. If they ask me to speak at CUW, I'll do it again, too.

I might prepare a little more next time, though. Just a tad. Maybe.

She Will Be Loved

2012-01-03T22:59:00.003-05:00

Tonight, I feel the need to read and reread this old post of mine.

I think it's fairly easy to figure out why I'm in this kind of mood, too, which is a plus, I guess.

Last night, I had a dream that Holly and her boyfriend got engaged. And on top of that, I've been dealing with stupid, unwarranted jealousy issues because she and Matt now live in the same town. (Stupid because, hello, she has a boyfriend. Unwarranted because my relationship with Matt has always been a thousand times closer than theirs ever was, and their relationship doesn't change ours.)

I've always been jealous of Holly because, to put it simply, I think she's prettier than and has always had a much easier time getting people to like her. And it took me until this summer to get Matt to admit there had been sexual tension between them for years. Holly gets what she wants, and I know her well enough to know she'd have no problem going after the guy she very well knows I've been in love with since I was 16.

I'm getting off topic. Anyway, I guess what that dream and those feelings have to do with the mood I'm in right now is the fact that I basically feel like my self-esteem would take a major blow if both of my sisters get engaged before I ever even get a boyfriend. A lot of the time, they both, whether they mean to or not (well, I know Chelsea means to, I can't say for sure about Holly), make me feel like they're somehow better than me just because they've both found their "soulmates". Like I'm somehow less important. And Holly's and my relationship is so shallow that I can't even face her to tell her, because I know she wouldn't get it - she'd just blow me off and tell me I'm being silly. That's what she's done in the past.

So frankly, I'm struggling tonight, and trying to focus on the fact that I know that just because I'm single now, that doesn't mean I'm "less than" them. I'm not the only girl my age who has never had a boyfriend. Heck, Callie from the Vespers is, in my opinion, even prettier than Holly, and she's never had one, either. That sounds shallow, I know, but it's comforting in my head.

Romans 8:28 says "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose for them." Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." I love God. That is what counts. God knows that my heart's desire is to be a wife and a mother. That will come true. I believe that it will because I am loved by the King of the universe, and He delights in making me happy.

I pray that I will remember how much I am loved by God when my sisters attack me, or when society pressures me. I pray that I will always believe that there is someone out there for me, who will love the parts of me that even I am frustrated by. I pray that I will remember to stop comparing every guy I meet to Matt. I pray that I remember there will be a man one day that is better than anything I could ever ask for. I pray that I never forget that I won't regret saving myself for my husband, but I will almost certainly regret it if I don't.

Most of all, I pray that I never forget where to find my self-worth. I cannot find my self-worth in Matt, or my family, or any of my friends, not even in myself, for that is when I will become too self-important. I can ONLY find the worth of my existence in the God that created me with an exact image in mind. He planned every tiny piece of my personality, my being, with a specific purpose, a purpose that is meant to glorify Him. And He knows the day, the minute, the second, that I will meet the guy with whom I will spend the rest of my life. He always knows.

But hey, if I have to listen to sappy songs about love to distract me, so be it. ;)

One Word

2012-01-02T23:34:00.001-05:00

Considering the extreme effects choosing my One Word last year had on my life, I knew that I absolutely wanted to choose a word for this year. I actually started thinking about it about a month ago because I wanted to be sure that I picked the right word.

From the beginning, one word was sticking out in my head. Seems simple, right? Heh, well, factor in my intense indecisiveness, and you have me second-guessing myself every single time I started to feel confident about my choice. This has been happening practically every day since I started thinking of this word.

But this "new me" is determined to place all of my trust in God, even when I'm nervous and anxious to do so. And I'd be a fool to ignore this crystal clear message. I need y'all to help keep me accountable on what I'm about to set out to do.

My word for 2012 is

WARRIOR.

I know, it's basically the polar opposite of my 2011 Word "peace." But here's my explanation...

To me, a warrior is someone who is brave, even when they're facing dangerous tasks.

A warrior is someone who risks it all for the people they love.

A warrior is at the top of their game in order to best serve those to whom they have devoted themselves.

This year, I want to become a warrior for Christ.

I want to be brave enough to shout of His love from the moutaintops. I want to face the enemy whenever he may appear in my life or the lives of my loved ones with the confidence that I have the strength of the Lord behind me. I want to battle for the salvation of the people whom I know need God so badly, people who could begin to heal if they surrendered themselves to His love. I want to shine the unending love and grace of my Father to every single person that I encounter so strongly that they know Whose I am, without question.

In conjunction with this, warriors are in top form in every sense: mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. This year is the year that I stop messing around with this whole losing weight idea and actually do it. I cannot do the work He may ask of me in this kind of shape. My body is meant to be a sanctuary, and I have not been honoring him in this area. My health is finally under control, and I must take advantage of that, because I don't know how long things will stay this way. It's long past time I quit hiding behind excuses and find the confidence in myself that I can do this because He will give me the strength.

I want to know my God like I never have before. I want to devote myself to Him completely, giving my whole heart to the One who has sustained my life through unimaginable odds.

I'm armed, I'm all in on this, I'm ready to go.

The battle starts now.

1 Timothy 6:12 "Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses."

Ephesians 6:10-18 "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."

New Year, New Me

2012-01-01T23:46:00.001-05:00

January 1st.

One week until Christmas vacation is over, and oh my heavens, I can not WAIT for that. I am beyond ready to be back at school where I am able to focus on the peace I know that I feel in my heart.

In the spirit of this new year, I decided to update my About Me on Facebook. The last time I updated it was early November 2010, and it really doesn't reflect this new me. I meant it when I said that I am a completely different person. And since there's not much I have to say (not anything positive, anyway) about today, I thought I'd post what I wrote here for y'all to see it. I think it sums me up pretty nicely. Let me know what you think. :)

"You can call me Mal.

I'm a Christian, a daughter of the King, and I would not be where I am today without the unending love and grace of my Father.

I'm 19 years old, and a junior at Campbell University. I have a double major of Political Science - International Relations and French, and I love it. I am excited and anxious to see where this field takes me in the future.

I've been through more in my life thus far than most people deal with in an entire lifetime, but my story has only made me stronger, and I thank God for the opportunities to bless others it has brought to me.

I have amazing friends that I would do absolutely anything for. I give 100% of myself to every one of my relationships. I believe that two of the greatest gifts God has blessed me with are the wisdom to know how to support my friends when they need me and my intense compassion and love for the people in my life. I struggle with trust issues, but I am one of the most loyal people you will ever meet.

I love music. I love to listen to it, to play it, and to sing. I am the General of the Vesper Army for The Vespers. One of my most favorite hobbies is to work to support them. I am also a member of Scarlet Grey's Grey Family. If you don't know these two bands, look them up. I guarantee you will be blessed by them.

In the end, I'm just a girl in North Carolina trying to find my way. I have big dreams for my future, and I love to laugh with the people I adore. I take too many risks, and I give too many second chances. I crack jokes at inappropriate times, and if you get to know me, you'll see my sarcasm shine through. I love making new friends, and it's pretty much impossible for me to be mean to or hate anyone. I'm basically an open book, so ask me anything.

Ephesians 3:20
Romans 8:28"

Happy New Year, friends.

2011: A Year In Review

2011-12-31T23:22:00.002-05:00

I almost titled this post something different, but I figured since this is what the 2009 and 2010 recaps are named, I might as well keep the tradition going.

This is also the first year that our family isn't spending New Year's Eve in Myrtle Beach (because New Year's Day is on a Sunday, my grandma's timeshare ended today anyway, plus everyone is still grossly sick), so I didn't have this post written ahead of time and ready to go.

2011 was the first year that I hopped on the bandwagon and chose my One Word that was my goal for the year. My word? Peace. And while taking into consideration the fact that I am human and thus will be a work in progress until the day that I die, I truly believe that this year was a success. Even when things get rough and crazy, I feel a sense of peace that I have never had until this year.

A big area that this peace has affected is my relationship with Matt. I believe that it is because I made finding peace my goal that I was finally able to accept the truth about him and who he is in my life. I have reached the point where I can look at him as just my best friend, not the guy I'm in love with. He and I have come to an entirely new understanding of each other and what we both need and can expect from the amazing bond that we have. A huge prayer that has been answered this year is that I am finally secure in us. I no longer struggle with the enemy's taunting voice trying to convince me that he doesn't care about me or any of the horrible things I used to be so stressed about and scared of. I know he loves me, and we are stronger than ever before.

I think part of the reason that our relationship has become this solid is because for the first time in my entire 19 and a half years, I have other real friends that I know love me just the way that he does. While there are several friends that apply here, Ryann and Elizabeth are the two that stick out in my head. These two have helped to heal so much of the hurt in my past from being bullied and so much of my current hurt due to the lack of relationship with my blood sisters.

It still honestly kind of blows my mind that my best girl friend now is a gorgeous, popular athlete - the kind of girl it's taken me till now to quit feeling so intimidated by because of my past. I feel like I have known Ryann for my entire life, not even kidding, and we've basically only been friends for nine months. I trust this girl with my life, with every one of my secrets. She means so much to me. She's the kind of friend that I can already picture being a bridesmaid at my wedding one day. I can't wait to see how much stronger our relationship becomes in 2012.

Elizabeth is a huge role model for me. We have very similar stories in that we both have rough relationships with our families and struggle emotionally, and she gives me more guidance than I can ever explain in this one blog post. She is the biggest gift I received by stepping out of my comfort zone and joining my first Bible study. I learn so much from her every day.

Some of my greatest memories of this year, however, don't involve any of these three amazing people. They involve four people that I met on a warm February day at Campbell, and never could I have imagined what that one meeting would turn into throughout the rest of this year. I felt a little crazy at the time working so hard to get a ride 3 hours away to see them in Charlotte in April, but thanks to Amy, another dear friend I have come to really love this year, I was able to experience my first real concert and to further a relationship with Taylor, Callie, Bruno, and Phoebe. I got to have an even better night with them in Wilmington in June, and that was when I knew they were more than just a band I like to listen to; they're my friends. That was definitely the best birthday present I received this year. In between those three shows and their return to Campbell in October, these four crazy talented people came to be true friends. They have prayed for me, prayed for my mom, and let me into their trusted inner circle. I am honored to be a part of the dream team that helps them chase after their goals. I can't wait to see them again, and I look forward to the crazy ride they're going to take me on in this new year.

My relationship with my family is obviously another very affected area of my life. I have stopped trying to force relationships with people who clearly don't want relationships with me. I have accepted the fact that I can't fix people who don't want to be fixed. My mom and I are fine, we always have been, but I have quit making my sisters a priority when all that leads to is more tears and stress for me. I have struggled a lot this year with wondering if I even love Chelsea at all, but in the end, I know I have to because I am a Christian and that is what Jesus commands me to do. I have accepted the fact that even though I do love them, I just don't like them very much, and I'm okay with that. I will never give up hope on fixing those two relationships, but for now I'm focusing on taking care of myself and what I need. And what I need is to surround myself with people who take an interest in my life because they love me, not because they want to have ammunition to fire back at me later.

That brings me to my next (and last) point. I feel like a completely different person now compared to who I was a year ago. I have learned the right Someone to find my self-worth in. I have learned how to truly love myself and love the life God has given me. I have learned to focus on the blessings first and to be thankful for the dark times. God has begun to answer my prayer in which I asked that He show me the reason for all the health issues I have been dealt, so much so that I now look at my story with gratitude. I have a whole new level of confidence that has surprised me and shocked Matt. When I saw him on Christmas and told him the end of the Nick story, he said that when he read the initial text I'd sent him at the time it all happened, he couldn't believe that I actually stood up for myself. The me that was here a year ago never would have. I have finally realized the necessity of taking care of myself before worrying about other people, not in a selfish way, but in a self-love way. I finally go after what I need to do to make myself happy, instead of avoiding doing so because I'm scared it could upset someone else. There are so many lessons God has taught me this year. I could never list them all here.

2011 has been, without a doubt, the best year of my life. I've said it a dozen times before - I am happier now than I have ever been. I am grateful beyond measure to God for all the ways He has changed and shaped me this year. I am grateful for a year of no major health problems. I am grateful for the great memories, the unexpected blessings, and even the tough times because every single one of them has led me to where I am right now. I wouldn't change a thing. My prayer for 2012 is that it will be just as monumental and memorable.

I hope you all have a fantastic New Year's celebration. Thank you for your steadfast friendship and support. Here's to the crazy, God-breathed rollercoaster ride that awaits us in 2012. :)

Finally

2011-12-30T23:58:00.000-05:00

Today is the first day in two weeks that I haven't had to take a breathing treatment. It's about. darn. time. I'm still having sinus troubles, but I can totally deal with that. Heck, I'm congested like nine months out of the year anyway. But my lungs are kinda crucial to, ya know, the whole living concept, so for them to be getting back to normal is a nice change.

I slept till 1:00 today. I would've slept later, but Mom woke me up because if I didn't eat something, my blood sugar would start dropping and that would be a rough way to wake up. I was having a pretty awesome dream, though. I ran into four of the guys from Glee outside a Japanese restaurant we love to go to. It was strange, but pretty awesome. :)

I spent most of the day holed up in my room, surprise surprise, because Chelsea was in fine form. She's got laryngitis and STILL can't shut up. Go figure. Then Mom and I watched some football. I've really grown to love watching this sport, which is sort of funny to me considering a few years ago I couldn't have told you the most basic information about it.

I can't believe tomorrow is New Year's Eve. This year has been the craziest year of my life, which is really saying something considering what's been documented on this blog alone. So many thoughts are coming tomorrow. Stay tuned. :)

I'm a sad Camel.

2011-12-30T02:24:00.001-05:00

Today was nice. Thankfully, it started off well because Mom didn't take a sweet forever to actually get up this morning. Granted, she got up at the time she told me yesterday she wanted to leave, but that's actually good for her. Ha!

The appointment was fine. I only have to go see them once a year now, unless I have a new problem, because this migraine medicine is working so well. Like I'm having them once a week, IF that, twice in a week if it's really bad. It's pretty awesome.

Then, we went and picked up Holly. We went to the mall to kill some time, and to pick up some shirts Mom bought for Shane as his Christmas present. The boy has like NO nice clothes. I bought myself a really really cute Liz Claiborne purse and a (different brand) matching wallet on sale. The perks of going shopping the week after Christmas.

I was surprised they had orange! It's usually pretty hard to find in accessories. Plus Mom surprised me with a super nice phone case.

Not hard to figure out what my favorite color is, is it? ;)

Then we went to this Mexican restaurant that Holly had a coupon for. It was pretty good.

"Cueva de Lobos"? Means "den of wolves." Gee, I wonder why she likes it there so much. Ha!

We stopped by a drugstore for cough drops, and then we headed over to Reynolds Coliseum for the game. You have to get there early to get good seats. I'd never been in Reynolds before tonight because all the basketball games have been held in the much bigger RBC Center since 1999. These "retro games," as they call them, are a new thing, and way cheaper than regular tickets! I was excited to get to see Reynolds, since my mom and dad spent so much time in there for games and concerts and stuff. Here's a pic I stole off Google of the outside of Reynolds - by the time we got there, it was too dark for me to get a good picture of it.

Mom and Holly were talking ALL sorts of smack before the game, until I reminded them of the fact that Campbell has several statistics that beat those of Duke, Carolina, AND State. That, and my "little old non-important school" in its "little old non-important conference" has a player that has gained national attention and may very well be the first Campbell basketball player drafted by the NBA. Our basketball program is FINALLY getting really good.

It was really odd being at the game tonight and not cheering for the Wolfpack or singing during their fight song. Haha! First time I've ever been to a sporting event and been on the "away" team. It was a very tight game. At halftime, it was tied at 41. And that's only because we got way too many fouls that gave the Pack way too many free throws. Even Mom agreed Campbell outplayed State in the first half. By the second half, though, the Pack remembered they had to also play defense and they ended up beating the Camels 87-81. It was crazy close, though. According to an article on gopack.com, there were 15 ties and 12 lead changes. That's a lot for 40 minutes of play!

Anyway, it was still fun. Here are some pics I took of Campbell warming up, the starting line up being introduced, and the last one is of the tip-off. They suck because you aren't allowed to use flash at all in the Coliseum, even before the game started.

I'm proud to be a Camel. :)

Quote of the day:
Me: "I don't know what sound a camel makes."
Mom: "I don't think they have a sound. I think they just spit."

Just another reason to love my school.

Now, I have to go collapse. I got up at 8:15, and it's almost 2:30 am. My bed has been calling me since we pulled out of Holly's driveway.

Go ahead. Make my day.

2011-12-28T23:20:00.001-05:00

Chelsea went to work and Blake slept in.

And when Chelsea got home, she was in a good mood and hasn't tried to start any fights at all today, which is sort of a miracle.

I was in a productive mood today (and you know how I am when I get in those), so I did four and a half loads of laundry (I say "and a half" because the first load was one Chelsea washed but never put in the dryer). Now I have all clean clothes. Those are kind of important, wouldn't you say?

So as you can see, I was already having a pretty great day. In fact, I would've been perfectly happy with this alone. Something really cool happened this afternoon, though. It will probably seem small to you, but it's pretty much the highlight of my week thus far. The Vespers had another podcast of their "The Reason & Rhyme Show" that they stream online nearly every Wednesday. (I say nearly because, ya know, stuff happens, and it's sort of new still so it's not regular.) This episode was a wrap-up of 2011 where they talked about their favorite things they experienced this year. They announced their "Vespy Awards," which were for all sorts of random things including Best Beard, Best Host, Best Food, Favorite State (that they played in), and Fan of the Year. I had no idea this was coming, mind you, and the first thing that was said after Bruno mentioned the Fan of the Year award was Callie saying "I'm definitely nominating Mallory Jones." And a huge grin just broke out on my face. As I have said before, I don't support them for the attention, but being surprised with that was just a great pick-me-up, and perfect timing after the past few days. :) I love those kids.

Tomorrow I'm off to Raleigh. I'm so excited for the basketball game, and to tell my neurologist how great I've been doing!

31-24

2011-12-28T00:34:00.001-05:00

Game day. The last game for some incredible seniors.

The Belk Bowl. Charlotte. 8:00.

The match-up?

The Wolfpack and the Louisville Cardinals.

We've never beaten the Cardinals before. This season, both teams were "comeback kids," teams no one expected to get bowl bids based on the first half of the season, but managed to come back in the second half of the season and blow through. So I knew it was going to be a tight game.

Louisville had ten true freshmen starting this game, six on offense and four on defense. One of those ten? Their quarterback. If you don't know football, I will just tell you that that is INSANE.

It was a ridiculous game overall. There were a lot of sloppy mistakes on both sides, and the momentum went back and forth all the time. Neither team was clearly crushing the other.

But we won. :) And what a way to end for seniors like Audie Cole

a defensive beast, an unstoppable force against extremely talented quarterbacks, and TJ Graham

who made more beautiful runs and touchdowns than I can even remember this season, without whom we would not have made it this far.

There are a few other players that must get credit for how my Wolfpack (yes, I call them mine) landed themselves first IN the Belk Bowl, and then ownership of the Belk Bowl trophy. CJ Wilson

who, thank the Lord, has another year of eligibility, and like Graham, can run through tacklers like lightning. And an obvious choice, our quarterback, Mike Glennon

who stepped into the seemingly-impossible-to-fill shoes left behind by Russell Wilson and subsequently proved that he can take care of the Wolfpack just fine. Thank heavens this kid has another year to go, too, because he will only get better.

And while Mike Glennon was named Player of the Game, my kudos are going to the master of interceptions, David Amerson.

This man right here is a true sophomore. Coming into tonight, he had a record of 11 interceptions, the highest in the entire COUNTRY right now, and tied for the 4th highest of all time. Tonight? He made two more interceptions, one of which was a run across almost the entire span of the field which led to a touchdown. That's thirteen interceptions. And in one season, too! He didn't make any last year! That bumped him up to tied for the second highest number of interceptions of all time. And did I mention he's A SOPHOMORE?!?! The first place number? Fourteen. I predict before his junior year is over, he'll have this record all to himself.

I love my Wolfpack so, so very much. It's going to be so weird going to the basketball game on Thursday and not cheering for them, but I can't betray my school. ;)

The rest of today sucked for more reasons than one, so that's why that's all this blog post is about.

GO PACK!

Recovery

2011-12-26T23:30:00.001-05:00

Why is it that on the day after a big event or holiday or whatever, you feel like you've been drugged?

That's what today has felt like.

It felt nice, though.

I slept in.

Helped Mom take care of Blake because she feels like crap. Our whole family is sick now. It's fantastic.

And watched all of the Glee episodes I bought over the weekend. That was a great relaxer and pick-me-up after all the crap that went down this weekend.

On to tomorrow. We're supposed to go out and run errands and whatnot, but I'm highly doubting that'll happen considering the way Mom's chest sounds. (For the record, it's exactly how I sounded a week ago. Whatever this bug is, it's long-lasting, seeing as I'm still not well, and nasty.)

Focus on Jesus

2011-12-25T23:27:00.000-05:00

That's what I've had to repeat to myself about six thousand times today.

Focus on Jesus.

Because frankly, today was hard. And I am not in a good mood. And Jesus is all I can really focus on at this point, or I'll cry.

The day started out with Chelsea yelling at me till I cried because I accidentally broke something and ended with me feeling, per usual, left out because when Holly's home Mom doesn't pay attention to anyone else.

I just don't like my family. Does it suck? Yes. Do I wish I felt differently? Yes. But that's just how it is when I get tired of being the only one putting in effort and then being ignored.

The one thing that's kept me sane today, aside from God (the obvious), was a visit from this kid.

I can't stand being in this house. I pray to God that I get this DC internship because I don't know if I can take twelve weeks here this summer. I'm going crazy. Being here makes me so depressed. I can't wait to go back to school.

Thank you God for your mercies that are new each and every morning. I am thankful for my best friend, Your everlasting love, and that tomorrow is a new day.

Christmas Eve

2011-12-24T22:45:00.001-05:00

Today was exhausting.

I spent six hours helping Mom cook and clean and babysit Blake while Chelsea was at work.

Then I passed out for about an hour because I was in such pain.

Then I got up and we ate and took pictures.

And then I went to church for the first time in 5 years with Mom. It was surprisingly way less awkward than I expected it to be. It was good. I needed to go.

Mood wise, today was fair. Mom was hot and tired, I was in pain, and Chelsea was her usual self and tried her hardest to ruin everything. Surprise surprise.

The food was fantastic, as usual, though. Mom worked her butt off, and that was the first time I've ever been her assistant in a big meal like this. Usually Holly is, but she and Michael overslept so they didn't get here till about an hour before dinner.

Tomorrow's going to be way better. We're all going over to Uncle Kirk's house for our annual breakfast-for-lunch, and then I get to see Matt because I still haven't seen him. All the big pictures will come tomorrow, but I'll go ahead and show you some of the pics Michael took of the family tonight.

And these were the best ones. Haha! I'm a big fan of the last one - we're doing the Wolfpack howl. In the second to last one, Blake was howling. :D

Now, Mom's complaining I'm being unsociable, so I am off.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

The Reveal

2011-12-24T22:15:00.000-05:00

(This is the first of two blog posts tonight. They're about such different subjects, I want them to have their own.)

I'm going to cut right to the chase because, well, after this long, there's not much point in dancing around it any more than I already have.

Here's the deal: That vague event I talked about last night and on the 13th? I talked to Landon.

I haven't talked about this because I've been so embarrassed. It seems ridiculous to be this emotionally invested in a relationship with my sister's ex-boyfriend. When I cut off all contact back in April, I thought that would be the end of it. I thought I could just forget him and move on, but I couldn't. In fact, I thought about him ten times more than I did before. Everything made me think of him. The most random things brought back memories of what happened and how bad it hurt to "lose" him (not that he was ever really mine to lose in the first place). There were several times that I started to send him a message, but I always deleted them because I was scared. Scared of what I would say, what he would say, what would come of it, and whether I would lose any relationship at all with him for good.

Late late Friday night, so really early Saturday the 10th, I was talking to a dear friend of mine. We'd sort of lost touch throughout this year, and we were talking about all the stories we needed/wanted to fill each other in on. He came up, and by starting over from the beginning, and reliving every sordid detail, I was forced to accept the fact that cutting him out of my life was not the answer I had hoped or thought it would be. At her encouragement, I sent him a Facebook message as an attempt to find closure I was grasping at straws for. Well, he wrote back "no hard feelings". I asked him if he was well, and he said yes and updated me on his schooling, and I updated him on mine. It was all very simple, and on a neutral, non-emotional topic, so I thought I was safe. What he wrote back next threw me for a loop.

"Still cute as hell?"

I could hardly think straight enough to respond, but I managed, trying my hardest to appear as if I was laughing it off. But then, he didn't respond. Because I was already emotional due to this and family drama, after a few days, I freaked out and sent him a highly-emotional message. Then, I found out he was in the middle of finals week (duh, I'm an idiot), so things got put off for a while.

Well, fast forward, we finally talked yesterday. And I got all of the answers I needed. I know him well enough to know when he's lying to me, even in text, (he's a horrible liar), so I believe him. I told him from the beginning that all I wanted was the truth - I didn't care if it meant he had to hurt me, if he didn't care about me, I begged him to let me go.

For once, I wasn't making it all up in my head. He does have feelings for me. Even though he knew from the beginning how I felt/feel, he freaked out because he's human and got nervous making himself that vulnerable, and because he sees as well as I do how complicated this is and that it's almost certainly never going to work. I get why he was scared. I'm scared, too. I don't want to feel the way I feel about him. In fact, I'd love it if I could just forget about him entirely, but I can't. He doesn't want me out of his life, and I don't want him out of mine. So we're friends...whatever weird form of friends you can classify us as. The good thing is we never see each other in person, and he's not crazy or stupid enough to come over here, so I think this is where it's going to stay.

I'm just relieved it's over. This has been eating away at me for eight months now, and it's so nice to finally get it off my chest.

Now, I suppose all I can do is pray to God to protect my heart and pray I'm not making a huge mistake. I don't think I am, but I never know. I'll never know if this is worth it until I give it and him a try.

It's been such a crazy day.

2011-12-24T00:00:00.000-05:00

You know why I don't go to bed early? Because I wake up at ungodly hours. Like this morning. When I woke up wide freaking awake at 4:30 am. And I've been up ever since.

And tomorrow's Christmas Eve and my mom had all these projects to do. And Chelsea was at work and daycare was closed which meant I also helped babysit. And Holly and Michael are coming tomorrow.

And we had to go shopping and my hip still hurts so it was a rough experience and Mom was so tired she was ornery.

And some big things happened with that mysterious event I mentioned here that I planned to talk about tonight but am too tired to get into it now. Maybe tomorrow.

Good night.

Big Fan

2011-12-22T20:55:00.001-05:00

I'm a big fan of days like today.

Chelsea was at work. Blake was at daycare. Mom and I slept in (yay for no 5:45 am wake up!) and ran a bunch of errands.

It was just nice. No fighting and lots of laughter.

Funniest part of the day: Mom went by Navy Federal Credit Union to make a payment on her credit card debt. She drove through and sent the money up those nifty little chutes they have in the drive through area. A teller popped up on the video screen, and she said Mom had to come inside because it had been more than 30 days since her last payment and it wasn't written in her account that she was allowed to pay in the drive through or whatever. Mom and the teller kind of bickered back and forth for a couple minutes, and then Mom said, "How about I just drive off and leave it here?" And then she just drove off. We could still hear the teller going, "Ma'am? Ma'am? Ma'am!" as we left. I laughed until I cried all the way to Bed Bath & Beyond. Part of the reason it was so funny is just the act in general (Mom said, "What are they gonna do? Call the cops and tell them I tried to pay my credit card debt?") and part of it was because it is so unlike my Mom to do something like that!

My joints are aching. My hip popped several times in the middle of Target, something it's never done before (at least I don't think it has), and it's been bugging me ever since. I'm hoping it will be better tomorrow.

I am so tired. I think I'm just gonna get ready for bed. It's not like I have anything else to do.

First time for everything.

2011-12-21T22:53:00.000-05:00

YAY GOOD NEWS!

My ultrasound came back clear. The hormones did what they were supposed to do. That means I don't have to have a D&C next week. Hallelujah for avoiding an annoying and painful procedure.

I think this is the first time in my entire life that my body has responded properly on the first try to the first medication. It's a miracle, I tell you.

And whoa, in the middle of writing this post, I just got a phone call from Matt. His entire life has apparently fallen together in no time flat. Between graduating on the 10th and today, he's found a way to move to Raleigh in a week. That means I have WAY less time than I thought I did. He and a friend found a $700/month, 2-bedroom, completely refurbished apartment, and the only utility they have to pay extra for is electricity. (And yes, they've seen it in person so it's not a scam!) He's got an $11/hour dishwashing job, seeing as there's currently a hiring freeze in NC, but his friend's mom is cosigning the lease so that if he gets a teaching job and needs to leave in July or whatever to move somewhere else to teach, no one will get hurt by a broken contract. (I'm not totally sure how it works. He talks super fast and this is all I could gather from what he said. Ha!) I'm so happy for him. He's best when he's busy. Chilling around Swansboro would've gotten really boring and frustrating to him really quickly. This quick conversation was a great distraction for me tonight. :)

Tomorrow I'm going out running errands with Mom and stuff, and we've gotta leave super early because Chelsea has to be at work at 7, so I better get to bed!

It's officially official!

2011-12-20T22:50:00.001-05:00

I am a TFAS applicant! Mom faxed in the two pieces they needed today which means they finally started processing my application! Yay yay yay yay yay.

Also official? I am definitely sick. I woke up last week with my chest tight, but I just thought it was the weather getting colder. I wasn't wheezing so I just dealt with it. Day by day the wheezing has gotten worse, phlegm in my chest arrived, and the terribly painful pleurisy pain came back for a visit. Thank the good Lord above that this house is full of people whose immune systems suck so bad that we keep Prednisone on hand at all times.

Lastly, I agreed today to speak at my church on January 4th at their Wednesday night "Prayer and Praise" service about my story and what I've learned about God from it and that kind of thing. The same church that essentially ostracized me 5 years ago. I'm already nervous. Haha! This is my first public speaking experience, and I'm such a perfectionist about stuff like this. As long as I keep my nerves under control, I'll be fine. I just reeally felt like God was telling me to do this, just like He was telling me to volunteer to speak at CUW. And this will be a WAY smaller crowd that the 900+ people that will be at CUW! So yeah, this is a big step forward for me. I'm almost certain I'd never have agreed to this a year ago.

I'm tired and my neck hurts, so this is all for tonight. Onward to tomorrow, where I will get my ultrasound results. I'm at peace with it all, so that's nice.

This cracks me up.

2011-12-20T22:19:00.001-05:00

And the guy actually sounds kind of like him!

Problem Solved

2011-12-19T23:00:00.000-05:00

I know that I don't know this woman at the head of the TFAS Financial Aid Department, but I'm a big, big fan of hers. Mom said she was super understanding when she explained to her all of the details that I mentioned in yesterday's post, and she had a simple solution. Dana (the woman) said just fax in my 2010 Social Security Benefit Statement, Mom's 2010 W2 (if you pay taxes, you know what that is. I don't.), and a short letter explaining why I couldn't send in what they requested. We already had the statement and the W2 at hand because we organized all of the stuff last night, and the letter took like fifteen minutes. Simple enough. And Mom can send it using the fax machine at her school. :)

I am SO RELIEVED that this is (finally!) taken care of. Now I don't have to worry about anymore, and just wait with anticipation for the response that lets me know if I've been accepted or rejected. Cross your fingers!

I might as well go ahead and explain what this internship is all about. I don't have anything else to blog about tonight!

The group that it is through is called The Fund for American Studies. It is an international organization, but they are headquartered in Washington DC. There are several different "institutes" (as they call them) that focus on different areas in Government, Economics, Business, Journalism, and Law (I think that's all). Because I am an International Relations major, I applied to the IEIA: Institute on Economics and International Affairs.

The 2012 summer program runs from June 10 to August 4. (That means I wouldn't even be home for my birthday! WHOA.) Students in this program live in apartments on the Georgetown campus. There are two parts to the program.

The first is taking two classes at Georgetown that will be transferred back to Campbell for 6 hours of undergrad credit. (Two less classes I have to fit into the next five semesters? Yes please!) I can't remember the specific names of the classes I would (will???) be taking, but I do remember one is Economics and the other is International Government (or Politics or whatever, I don't feel like trying to find it on the website).

The second is a 30-hours-a-week internship on Capitol Hill. TFAS picks out where you intern, but they try and match it as closely to your institute/major as possible. My DREAM choice is to intern in an embassy, and that is a possibility, so we'll see!

Plus, there's all sorts of fancy meetings with really important people and fun activities.

It's pretty perfect. For someone who wants to go to Georgetown for grad school, and who needs to be in DC to get started in her field, there's not really much else you could ask out of a student internship. :)

Have I made it clear that I want this so so so very much?!?!?! Because I do. I really do. It's rolling admissions, so I should find out by the middle of January. What would be awesome is if I found out before I leave for school January 8th, but considering how late it is, I'm not getting my hopes up.

Rule of Life #1201835

2011-12-19T01:18:00.001-05:00

If you wait until the last minute for something, complications will arise. The severity of the complications is inversely proportionate to the flexibility available in the task at hand.

So I've mentioned this DC internship I've been working towards. I got the online application sent in on December 2nd, but then I found out all of these extra things I needed to get sent in: my transcript, a summary of my financial aid from Campbell, a letter of recommendation, and either my FAFSA form or a parent's tax return. The first three were easy to do and were taken care of within a week. The last one, however? Not so much.

See, I didn't apply for FAFSA (I know! That's uncommon for someone as poor as me, but since I have Uncle Ed and my Campbell-given scholarship, I didn't see the point in taking money away from someone else.), so that wasn't an option. That means I had to get a parent's tax return that listed me as a dependent. I didn't even bother with it until I got home for break, knowing Mom would never remember or have the time to find it on her own.

Due to work and a zillion other things, she put it off till this weekend. Meanwhile. I was getting phone calls and emails from the Financial Aid department of the group running the program, saying that if I didn't get this tax return in by the 21st, I would lose the 5% discount and the priority scholarship consideration. And even if it was after the 21st, they still wouldn't even process my application until they got it. So we had to do it.

Because people moved in and out of this house, and furniture was moved in and out, and then when I was in the hospital and people came over to help, etc., things got moved. She said all the paperwork and stuff we needed would be in her closet and the garage. We had to find recent years, too. Why? Because a) that's what they asked for, and b) when I received Social Security because of my dad dying, she was legally not allowed to list me as a dependent. I thought that my Social Security ended when I graduated high school in June of '09. Turns out, it actually didn't end until I turned 18 in June of '10.

I didn't find this out until today. That means I am not listed as her dependent on her 2009 or 2010 (or any year before) tax records. The application online says the tax return has to list me as a dependent. So no FAFSA, no eligible tax return, and I'm supposed to get something faxed to them tomorrow.

Hm.

Well, on the upside, my mom and I didn't have to stay up half the night searching through boxes and boxes of mail and paperwork to find things. But then I started to panic about how I was going to look bad, or apathetic, or lazy to these people if they didn't receive this tomorrow when I promised them they would. Mom to the rescue! I know it's sort of childish considering I'm 19 years old, but tomorrow, Mom is calling the lady I've been talking to (the head of the Financial Aid department) and explaining to her that I didn't apply for FAFSA, and none of her tax returns list me as a dependent because of the Social Security. Part of the reason is I'm a chicken and nervous about having to tell her I couldn't send something like I said I would, and part of it is because I feel like hearing it from her would sort of be verification to the people that I wasn't trying to cheat the system or not follow the necessary instructions or anything.

I really, really, really want this internship. And I certainly don't want a stupid piece of paper to destroy my chance at getting it. This lady has seemed friendly and understanding the few times I've talked to her, so I really hope and pray that she is the same with Mom.

And that reminds me, I still haven't told y'all what this internship is about! I'll get on that ASAP.

Now, it's late. I've spent basically this entire weekend either babysitting or helping Mom in some fashion, so I am exhausted. Good night.

Better, but still not right.

2011-12-17T23:43:00.001-05:00

I think she actually took her medication today. She was nice, like most normal human beings are when the chemicals in their brains aren't all whacked out.

That's nice. To have one day where I actually feel relaxed after several consecutive days of hell that made me feel like one giant ball of nerves is nice.

But it doesn't make everything okay. It doesn't erase hearing "If I could kill you and get away with it, I would." It doesn't erase feeling constantly beaten down just for merely existing. It doesn't fix the damage that's been building for the past twelve and a half years.

It won't be fixed until I actually believe she's sorry. Until she takes responsibility for the havoc she's caused and quits blaming it on everyone else. Until she starts showing real signs that she's changing, or at least actually trying to.

I don't hate her. I can't hate anyone. I just...don't feel anything. I'm numb, and I'm fairly certain I've never felt this way about anyone or anything before. As a friend, probably my best friend in this crazy wonderful blog world put it, "The only coping mechanism I have left is to pray every moment I'm in [her] presence to shield myself from the overwhelming darkness [s]he brings out."

And some advice from another dear "real life" (and I hate calling it that because this blog world is just as much real life as my life at school or home) friend that's really stuck with me: "And as for love, you're supposed to love everyone because Jesus wants you to, but you don't have to love anyone just because you share some chromosomes." That validates my feelings, which is a rare occurrence in my world.

What I'm praying for tonight is strength.

22 days.

I may never look at Dasani the same way again.

2011-12-16T22:30:00.002-05:00

I had another pelvic ultrasound today, ordered by my gynecologist. Actually, it was technically ordered by a colleague of my gynecologist, since she was delivering a baby when I went to the office on Wednesday, but whatever. She would've ordered it, too, had she been there.

This was a follow-up ultrasound to see if there is any progress from the one I had in July. It's to check to see if the Provera pills I've taken every month since July have done their job and thinned out the lining of my uterus. I don't know anything yet because ultrasound technicians are apparently, by law, not allowed to tell you anything, and this wasn't done at my office. I'll find out the results on Wednesday. If the pills worked, then I should be good to go. If they didn't, we'll schedule a D&C for the following week.

I'm at peace with the whole thing, really. If I can survive 19 surgeries and beat at least half a dozen instances when I could have/should have died, I'm pretty sure I can handle an outpatient procedure whose only side effects are basically grogginess from drugs (well there's a shock, they sure as heck wouldn't do this to anyone awake) and what amounts to the period from hell. So yeah, whatever needs to be done will be done. :)

I remembered to drink my water this time. They said at least 40 ounces, which I also remembered, but since last time, 40 ounces wasn't enough, I wanted to drink more just to be safe. Heh...well, it's safe to say that I drank just a tad too much. My entire abdomen was cramping and contracting by itself and I was literally sweating my body was so tense. By the grace of God, I went to the bathroom a little and held enough in that the technician said her view was perfect. Thank the good Lord that I didn't have to go through that process all over again. Note to all, however: do not drink 68 ounces of water an hour before an appointment and expect to make it. It will not end well. I felt nauseous for hours afterward.

And that's the end of my talk of the bathroom, I promise. :)

Thankfully Chelsea has been sleeping pretty much all day long, and Mom and Mommom took me to Morehead City to have Japanese food (Hibachi, yum!) for dinner and a Walmart trip when Mom got home from work, so only the past hour has really sucked today. I'm also thankful that Mom has told me to go to my room enough times that I didn't let myself get all worked up again.

23 days.

Begging

2011-12-15T21:39:00.000-05:00

Jesus, please help me.

I know I'm supposed to love Chelsea. I'm supposed to love her because You command me to, the way You love me even though I don't deserve it. But that's so much easier said than done.

I feel like I'm losing everything. I feel like my heart is being drained of every last ounce of love I once felt for her. I don't want to be this way. I'm better than this. This is not who I am, at least not with everyone else.

I can't change her. I don't know if she'll ever change. But I have to get control over what she does to me. It just gives her more power and makes me look and feel just as low as she is. She's the only person that can bring out this hateful, horrible side of me.

Sometimes, I question whether Blake is worth having her in my life. And that kills me. I love that little boy so much. But I can't stand being around her. Knowing she's here makes me dread coming home, even though home means I get to see my mom. I hate that, too. It's ruining my relationship with her because I know she's tired of hearing us fight. Being here makes me depressed. Listening to her insult me all the time makes me want to run away and never come back.

I don't wish ill will on her. I just honestly wish I never had to see her. Please give me strength. Please give me peace. Please help me to face her with the love that I can only learn from You. Most of all, please help me to feel like I love her again.

Please help me.

I'm good with this.

2011-12-15T19:18:00.000-05:00

Kind of surprised I got a B in History and an A in Scope & Methods, but considering how often this semester felt like it was kicking my butt, and I STILL have a 3.8 GPA, I'd say it's not too shabby.

Also, thank you Jesus that next semester is going to be a walk in the park compared to this one. :)

Today was not pretty.

2011-12-14T23:21:00.000-05:00

I did things I shouldn't have done.

I said things I shouldn't have said.

I cried.

I yelled.

But most importantly, I asked God for forgiveness that I could never deserve, and He gave it to me anyway.

That, my friends, isn't pretty. It's beautiful.

And that's all I really want to remember about this day.

Redo

2011-12-13T23:55:00.000-05:00

I had a post up earlier. But I deleted it. I think that's the first time I've ever done that. I don't know why; I guess it just didn't feel right.

Plus, I'm in a better mood now. And I have The Vespers to thank for that. When no one's around, or I just don't feel like talking to people, I can always find quality music that will make me smile. Surprise, surprise, they are one of my go-to bands. I am thankful to "have" them.

I've had a rough day mentally, I guess. It's probably nothing more than PMS hormones (though I actually managed to keep my mouth shut for the entire day and never verbalized anger at anyone, which is a God-given miracle). I feel a strange mix of stress and peace. That probably makes no sense at all, but it's the best way I can think to describe it.

I do have a prayer request, though. I did something a few days ago. Something kinda stupid, but something that I honestly thought was what I needed to do at the time. It's not anything dangerous or illegal, mind you. But it is something that I think my "real life" friends would freak out about if they knew about it. Well, the way things have progressed has left me in a major state of confusion about how to proceed. I don't really want to talk about it until I have some answers, until I know where things are headed, but could you please pray for God to give me the wisdom on what I should do and that He will protect my heart through whatever decisions I must make? I really appreciate it. I promise I'll explain when the time is right.

I Am Young

2011-12-12T23:17:00.002-05:00

Listen to this song. And pay close attention to the lyrics.

It's made me think...(you just thought 'Oh, here we go.' didn't you?)

I am nineteen years old. I will be twenty in six months and three days. That seems mind-boggling by itself but you know what the truth is?

My life is never going to be easier than it is right now.

I have the entire world in front of me. There are possibilities in my future that I don't even know exist yet. I don't have anyone holding me down. The only real responsibility I have is to get myself to May 2014 and make sure I receive those diplomas with the best record I can manage behind me.

I don't have a family to take care of. In the monetary sense, at least.

I don't have bills to pay.

I can do anything I want.

So why is it so hard for me to stop focusing on the drama that, frankly, isn't going to matter in the slightest if I'm living in Europe in 5 years? Oh yeah. Because I get bogged down by those pesky little things called emotions. Things that keep me from focusing on taking care of ME. And then I forget how to protect myself.

This isn't meant to sound selfish. I think the past two and a half years on this blog show how deeply invested I can become in the people around me. The point is, I think I'm finally realizing what Matt means when he gives me his little "catchphrase" of sorts "You gotta do you!" The only one who has any control over my future is God, and my job is to work as hard as I can to do what he needs of me. Not taking care of myself, not protecting myself, not thinking about myself doesn't hurt anyone except myself.

That's not living the life He wants me to live, the life He has planned for me. I don't know what my future holds. I don't know if I'll meet my soulmate, have half a dozen kids and live my happily ever after dream come true, or if I'll stay single and be a world traveler and live out those dreams. But none of that will matter if I can't get myself to that point in a solid mental state because I won't be ready for it.

I can't live out what He wants for me if I a) am not in love with Him, b) do not love myself, and c) am not happy and at peace with what He's given me right here, right now. I have amazing friends who support me even when I'm annoying and even unbearable to myself. And I forget that as soon as I get upset, usually over something trivial. That's not doing justice to His grace.

My life is never going to be this easy ever again. It's long past time I learn to have a blast with it.

I'd like it put on record.

2011-12-12T01:48:00.000-05:00

That my mother is, in fact, where I get my stubbornness from. And my craziness, too, but that's a whole separate post. ;)

It is almost 2:00 in the morning. My mother's wake-up call is 6:00. Where is my mother right now?

Her bed, one would think.

But no. She's in the living room grading. Because apparently, even though progress reports or report cards are not due tomorrow, she decided she had to get this grading done tonight. And then proceeded to wait until 8:00 pm to start.

I gave up on trying to get her to go to bed. There's no changing her mind. And her staying up all night isn't going to affect me so hey, whatever.

Mind you, I did help for quite a while. But grading page after page after page after page of worksheets on comma placement where HONORS students cannot figure out that the comma goes INSIDE the quotation marks gave me a migraine. It is a miracle that she does not explode from laughter every single day at the laziness and stupidity she has to deal with. Reason #59684687 why I know I am NOT meant to be a teacher. But I will be continuing to grade these dang things while she is at work tomorrow. Because I love her. And she dyed my hair and bought me a smartphone. But mostly because I love her. I promise.

My sinuses have calmed down, but my chest still hurts pretty bad. I hope this does not mean I'm getting sick. I'm not sure what's going on quite yet.

I'm cold. It's a nice change from Burkot.

I'm also exhausted. So this is where this post ends.

Yay vacation.

Bye bye blondie!

2011-12-11T19:35:00.000-05:00

I like change....when I have control over it, anyway. ;)

Fifteen days early...I'll take it.

2011-12-10T23:27:00.001-05:00

I got Christmas today.

It was out of sheer necessity, mind you. My mom does not usually give out Christmas presents this far in advance unless it was like, tickets to an event that just so happened to take place before Christmas Day.

But anyway. What I got was something that I completely did NOT expect to get it. Because us "kids" are older now, there's usually no real surprise to Christmas presents anymore. What we normally just get is cash, unless there's a specific gift that we request. It's much simpler this way.

Back in the beginning of July, I told my mom that I wanted a new cell phone for Christmas. The only real issue with mine (at the time) was that the screen was all scratched up. Plus, to be honest, I was just tired of it. My mom told me I was crazy to want a new one when this one worked fine, but I told her it wasn't like it was going to be expensive considering I'd had it for two years so there was a $150 upgrade credit given by Sprint. She just said "We'll see" which is Mom-code for "Ehhh, probably not going to happen."

Over the course of the next few months, things started going wrong with my phone. (I promise I didn't sabotage it!) It wouldn't hold a charge for very long. If I tried to make a phone call without it plugged into the charger, which was basically the only way I COULD make a phone call seeing as how reception indoors sucks at Campbell, it would completely turn off randomly. Just all sorts of random, not-good-for-a-phone-to-do things. So I kept reminding my mom that I'd suck it up till December 25th, but I really wanted, and now sort of needed, a new cell phone for Christmas.

Well my mom walked into my room about 2:00 this afternoon with a bag and said, "Are you ready for Christmas?" She pulled out EXACTLY what I asked for...except way better.

A smartphone. To be specific, an HTC Evo 4G.

See, when my mom first got us all our own cell phones, we had internet on our phones. But it wasn't unlimited, and the very first month, Chelsea blew. up. her phone and made my mom's phone bill skyrocket for going so far above the limit. So that was the end of that. And through all the years since then, she said she was never going to get internet on her phone plan just so that could never happen again.

Heh. Now Chelsea's getting married. That means that her mommy isn't going to be paying her bills anymore. Her phone has crapped out completely, so she desperately needed a new phone, too. But because she will be moving onto Shane's Verizon plan in just a few months, Mom didn't want to buy her a new phone and have to commit to a contract which she would then have to break. And apparently, Holly will soon be taking over her own phone bill, as well.

My mom found a Christmas special on Sprint's website, and with the previously mentioned $150 upgrade that I had, and that she had, as well, all she had to pay for two new Sprint smartphones for her and me was the $36 activation fee and the increase in cost for the new data plan. Not too shabby considering these phones are $300-$400 each, eh?

I love this thing. I haven't stopped playing with it all day. I am so stoked that she thought of this. :D

Merry Christmas to me!

Started off right.

2011-12-09T22:26:00.001-05:00

I'd love to tell you that my Christmas break was full of exciting plans from the very beginning. I really would.

But no.

My official first day of vacation was mostly spent sleeping.

And it felt fantastic.

No responsibilities, no work, no babysitting. Nada.

Just catching up on the one thing that college students so frequently lack. (Well, besides air conditioning if you live in Burkot.)

I was awake for a bit this afternoon, and my allergies and chest were much better. I avoided my mom's room, so I thought I'd be fine.

Heh. Nope. Apparently the living room makes me sick, too. Mom's decided she needs to paint the fireplace wall (it's a different color than the rest of the walls) a new color, and she has to do it before she can put these new rugs she bought down and put up the Christmas tree. So I was hanging out in there while she and Shane were getting the TV off the wall, and apparently that moved around too much dust. This is going to be a long, sniffly month. Oh well, she's trying.

Bruno sent me the new Vespers album last night, or at least what they have of it at its current stage of mixing. It's absolutely incredible. I can't wait to have the finished product, the physical copy in my hands, which will hopefully be in a few weeks. Before I say what I'm about to say, I want to make something perfectly clear: I don't help them out for the attention, or for the free stuff. I would still do everything I've done to help them already and whatever I do in the future if they never gave me anything but their words of thanks and appreciation. I am honored to be a part of their "dream team," but I am also honored and grateful for the gifts, like being one of the few to hear these early mixes. Sometimes, I even feel like I don't deserve things like this, but I realized that giving me a free t-shirt or sending me their early mixes is their way of saying thank you. I just wanted to make sure you guys understand my heart and my reasons for doing what I do for them.

After I listened to all the songs, I DMed their tour manager Clint on Twitter. He followed me a few weeks ago and told me thanks for helping with the Kickstarter campaign, and I was truly a little surprised that he knew about me. He tweeted last night after he heard it about how good it was, and I replied "If this were Facebook, I'd totally like that." (haha), and he said "It's a great album. I can't wait for you to hear it." I wasn't sure if he meant me specifically or like the fans as a whole. But anyway, I DMed him to avoid any other fans possibly seeing it and getting jealous, just to tell him Bruno sent it and that I loved every song on it. He sent me some incredibly kind messages back. Even their tour manager appreciates me, yet I still sometimes feel like I haven't done that much for them to appreciate.. :) I love helping people so much. It makes me feel so fulfilled. (read from the bottom up)

Between that, the music, and getting some extra, really good sleep, I'd definitely say this vacation is off to a good start. :)

Insert relevant title here.

2011-12-08T23:07:00.000-05:00

Wheezing sucks. I wanted to spend time with Mom so badly, but hanging out in her room has made me wheeze. Just like it always does. You'd think I'd learn. Darn dust.

You know what doesn't suck, though? Going out to the living room when Mommom got home with Chelsea and Blake and having him run to me holding his arms out screaming "EEEEEEE!!!!!!!" and then giving me a giant hug when I picked him up. That will never suck.

Apparently things between Mom and Chelsea are worse than ever, but frankly, right now, I don't even care. I'm just glad to be on vacation.

Here's hoping a shower will help my chest to open back up. Lesson learned.

At least for this break.

What can I say? I'm thickheaded. ;)

The caption says it all.

2011-12-07T23:59:00.001-05:00

Good friends are like stars. You don’t always see them, but you know they are always there.

That picture was taken tonight in the bookstore as I went with Ryann to return her books after our French final. Said final was fine, pretty much exactly what I expected. Well, it would've been exactly what I expected had I not forgotten that Dr. Steegar said he was going to surprise us with a topic to see if we could talk spontaneously. But hey, I did fine, and I've never gotten anything below an A with Dr. Steegar, so whatever.

But the best news of the day isn't that MY FINALS ARE DONE!

It's not I'M OFFICIALLY A JUNIOR!

It's also not I GOT A 100 ON MY STATE & LOCAL FINAL!

It's RYANN IS COMING BACK TO CAMPBELL NEXT SEMESTER!!!!!

I am beyond relieved. She says she may be leaving at the end of next semester, but at least this will give me time to get used to the idea if that's the case. I was SO unprepared to say goodbye to her today. I'm aware that I've mentioned about a BILLION times what this girl means to me, but I just want to say this: In basically 9 months time, we went from barely speaking to each other to being like sisters. And that blows. my. mind. She said that the whole soccer disaster finally got resolved today, and while it's still completely bogus that she is being punished, it's better than her record being tarnished by being kicked off the team. So yeah. I didn't have to cry today. That was nice.

I find it sweet but also very amusing that she and Elizabeth are still SO mad about the whole Nick thing, despite the fact that I've told them both I'm completely fine and they shouldn't worry about it. Apparently I forgot to mention to Ryann that I was giving Nick another chance at being friends, and when I mentioned that to her as we were leaving the bookstore, she honest to God looked like she wanted to hit ME. Ha! They think I'm crazy, but it's just because they're so protective. It's a good thing Nick already left campus because I'm pretty sure if he hadn't, she'd find him and "lay down the law about this second chance thing"...at least, that's what she threatened. As did Elizabeth. I'm still trying to get used to having girlfriends, friends that are this protective. I mean, Matt's protective in a way, but he's kind of all bark and no bite. I'm fairly certain these two would actually kick someone's ass if necessary.

So anyway, this picture is gonna be Ryann's Christmas present. I texted her and let her know I emailed it to her like she asked me to and her reply a little while later was "OMG I LOVE THIS PICTURE!!!!!" And it's not like it's expensive to get two copies of a picture made at Walgreens. :) And frames are easy to find.

I've basically done nothing else today except eat and pack. It felt really good to sleep in today. Even though my earliest exams were at noon, I've gotten up early every day (like 7:30 or earlier) for one reason or another. And I'm gonna be getting up relatively early tomorrow so I can finish packing and eat lunch before Mommom gets here and I have to check out at noon.

I'm not going to talk about the mixed emotions I have about going home for a month, because that wouldn't be happy. Instead, I'm going to say this:

This was the perfect ending to this amazing semester. Walking back to my dorm in the pouring rain and all. It was perfect. I love my life more and more every day.

HELLO JUNIOR YEAR!

I am not an angry person.

2011-12-06T23:55:00.006-05:00

(Sorry about the first link, my mouse freaked out and it accidentally hit publish! Beware, this is kind of big. And by big, I'm referring to its length. It's huge.)

Like, seriously.

I do get mad, but I cannot stay mad.

I hate being mad at people. I want to fix it. I cannot hate people.

One would think that I would hate all the people who bullied me for twelve years, who hurt me repeatedly, who are the reason why I still struggle with major trust issues, but nope.

I will always forgive you.

Case in point: That dude who interrupted my State & Local class to tell me to stop talking so much? A week later, I offered to take notes for him when he was missing class for a golf tournament, and now it's just like any other casual classmate relationship. I think it sort of blew his mind the first time after the incident that he said "Hey, how's it going?" and I smiled back and said "Hey, it's goin' all right, how are you?" And while sometimes I do think that my life would just be easier if I could blow off and ignore all the people who hurt me, deep down I am grateful that this is a gift God has blessed me with.

Oh, I promise, I'm going somewhere with this. I always am!

I got up at 7:30, worked on stuff to help me study for my Government exam, and went to go eat breakfast with Nick this morning at 9:00, just like he said. 9:15, he waltzes in the door with his bookbag and says "I can't stay. I have to go study. I was supposed to study last night but we ended up playing video games." Now that excuse, I believe. I do know a thing or two about boys. It didn't occur to me till about 10 minutes later because I was so tired that I needed to talk to him, so I called him and by golly, he actually answered! He told me to call him at 9:00 tonight because his English exam would probably take the entire 3 hours. This was without me saying I wanted to talk to him about something; I just told him I wanted a make-up for the fact that I didn't get breakfast. Which was sort of serious, and sort of a joke.

Pretty much immediately after I finished breakfast, I got a text from Ryann and on and off throughout the day, she and I talked about everything that was going down, and the more I talked to her about it, the more mad I got. Like, I was really pissed, and that's big for me. She originally suggested I just not say anything to him and act like this didn't bother me. Once I explained to her that I had to say something or it was going to bug me like crazy and that I was doing this for me, though, she said she was proud of me and she understood. But yeah. She got me kind of fired up, in a really sweet and supportive way, if that makes any sense. I don't think she was trying to get me angry about it, even though she was angry herself.

So anyway, I went on about my business, I checked with another guy I met in the dining hall yesterday about selling about selling my books to him (because the bookstore is a complete ripoff) and he took two of them, went and took my State & Local exam that was so easy I was out of that 12:00 exam at 12:10, went to the bookstore and returned the books they would take (because again, they are a RIPOFF), took all that money to the Business Office to go in my account for next semester's bills (since hey, it's not my money), and then came back and started on my French presentation for my (last!!!!) final tomorrow while texting Ryann whenever my phone decided to be nice and send me the texts. (Have I mentioned I really can't wait to get a new phone for Christmas? Because I can't. I'm so excited to get rid of this aggravating thing.)

Well, I temporarily forgot in all that madness that I made plans with Elizabeth yesterday to meet up tonight to sort through everything, but that was when I was expecting the talk with Nick to happen this morning. But I went and had dinner with her anyway because a) I need to eat and b) she's awesome. She also suggested I not do this because she was worried I'd ruin any chance of a friendship and just because that's how she'd handle it, but she, too, supported me when I explained to her that I felt I HAD to do this for my sanity's sake. She and Ryann have both been absolutely amazingly supportive friends throughout this, even when Ryann is dealing with all of her own crap.

Anyway, here's where the juicy stuff happens. (Ha, and look how long this already is! Sorry!)

I called Nick just after 9:00 tonight, and what do ya know, he answered again! Except he needed to delay it by 30 minutes to an hour, because surprise surprise, he had just pulled in somewhere else. All I told him was that I needed to talk to him in person and when he asked "Is there something I should know about?" all I said in reply was "Ummm, you'll see when you get here." He said, "Ooookay." and I could tell he was kinda nervous. So I gave him my dorm number (boo crappy Sprint reception) half expecting him not to call back, but he did about 9:45. I met him outside and we went to go talk in Shouse.

I was trying really hard not to make the shaking my arms were doing from the nerves visible. I hate confrontations about as much as I hate being mad at people. On the upside, he let me get out what I needed to say, so that was a help. The downside is that it took me twenty-five minutes to get a straightforward, no bullcrap, honest answer. So that big chunk was basically me telling him in every way I could think of that I think he HAD to know that holding my hand when he knew I had feelings for him was flirtatious, that I've had a lot of guys play mind games with me and I felt like he was doing the same thing, that I want to be his friend but I'm not going to set myself up to get messed with and subsequently hurt, that if he couldn't give me a straight answer I didn't think we could be friends because I wouldn't be able to trust him, that if he really did care about me, he'd be honest, and oh so many other things because like I said, it was TWENTY FIVE MINUTES. Of course, half the reason it took that long was because every time I'd finish a sentence he'd make some sarcastic but somehow hilarious remark that would completely make me lose my train of thought. Finally, FINALLY, I managed to get out of him the following: "I held your hand all those times because I knew you had feelings for me and didn't know how to let you down gently." And the part of me that thought that was a jackass thing to do was overshadowed by the part of me that thought it's a typical, immature, idiotic 19-year-old thing to do and the part of me that was just relieved I finally got a straight answer!

So then I had to explain to him that I need him to be HONEST with me if this friendship is going to work because I'd rather him be honest and hurt me for ten seconds than pull this crap and lead me on for the better part of a month. And then he got antsy and he apologized and we got up because he's going home tonight and it's almost an hour away, but then somehow spent the next twenty minutes talking about all sorts of random things that you really don't need to know about.

What you do need to know is the realizations I came to from this monstrous conversation. There are two of them:

1) It's a really good thing that this kid does not want to be in a relationship any time soon because OH MY GOSH HE SUCKS AT COMMUNICATING. (And before any of you tell me that all men suck at communicating, let me just say that I have a hard time believing any man you know could be THIS bad and still be in a relationship.)

2) WHAT IN THE WORLD DID I EVER SEE IN THIS KID?!?!?! Like seriously, that last twenty minutes of the conversation by itself eradicated any semblance of romantic feelings I had for him. He is FAR too immature. And the whole "he cannot be serious when he knows I need him to be serious about something" would drive. me. up. the. wall.

So yeah. I'm fine. Like seriously, I'm just over it. I'm glad that it's over, and I'm REALLY glad I had this conversation tonight instead of a couple months from now when he would've had the opportunity to lead me on even more and make me fall even harder for him which would then leave me hurt way worse than any hurt I've experienced since the conversation last night.

This is why I always fall for guys that are years older than me. Because while their immaturity is still festering inside their strange little souls, part of it has gone into retirement.

All right, then. As you were.

Oh, and if you made it all the way to the bottom of this without, oh, I don't know, gouging out your eyeballs from sheer boredom and pain at reading all of this, I love you. :)

Um, he's honest. I'll give him that much.

2011-12-05T21:06:00.001-05:00

So.

I ran into Nick went I went to get Mexican for dinner and we had a very surprising conversation tonight.

I'm still in shock, I think. The kind of shock where I can't even remember most of what the heck happened. But I'll tell you what I do remember.

He doesn't like me as more than a friend, for starters.

He had no idea I was interpreting so many things (like the holding my hand for an hour, etc.) as him flirting with me. And I was in such shock that I forgot to tell him that that's ridiculous and I don't even hold hands with Matt. He didn't think he was flirting with me.

He didn't care that I kissed him on the cheek.

He likes spending time with me.

He doesn't see himself getting in a relationship anytime soon because his relationships always go downhill and he's tired of them. Which...okay. Whatever. You're 19, you don't have to be looking to get married, but I didn't think that meant he didn't like me.

So yeah.

Oh, and get this: He asked me to have breakfast with him tomorrow.

Mind = blown.

I sooooo didn't see that coming. Not after he held my hand all those times and did all those so-flirtatious-even-my-oblivious-self-saw-them things.

And it sucks. I'm sad. I feel like an idiot. But I'm gonna go to breakfast tomorrow because underneath it all, I really do like this kid as a friend. And I don't want him to think I'm mad at him, because I'm not. He was honest with me, which is more than you get with most guys this age. My only dilemma is there's still one big question on my mind that I want to get a straight answer to, but I'm nervous that if I bring it up again tomorrow he'll get annoyed or whatever. I just wanna know how he could possibly think I wouldn't take holding my hand so many times and for so long as flirting. Like, Matt and I have been friends for 9 years and I don't even hold his hand, you know?!

So yeah. That was my day.

Focus. I have none.

2011-12-04T20:46:00.002-05:00

Thank the good Lord that my exam isn't until 3:00 tomorrow and that it should be fairly simple. Because my mind is just not in study mode today. I seriously have done nothing of productivity today except for picking up my room and vacuuming it because I thought a girl was coming over to study for the exam tomorrow and then she texted me saying she couldn't.

So I've sat here.

Listening to ~~music~~ half of my iTunes library.

Picking at my cuticles. Something I never do. Something that grosses me out when I see my mom do it.

Thinking about how tired I am.

So what I think I'm going to do is go to bed early, get up early, eat breakfast, go to the Financial Aid office to get another piece of my application sent off to DC, and then study for the exam.

That'll be plenty of time.

And even if it's not, it'll be higher quality, more effective studying than doing anything right now.

I feel like I've taken painkillers. But I haven't.

I think my body just needs to decompress for a night. Because even yesterday, while I was extremely happy, I didn't ever really feel relaxed. Because I was thinking about Ryann, mostly. I mean, I'm not sad or anything, not at all. In fact, just thinking about the post I wrote yesterday and the conversations I had with various people gets me all giddy again. So no, I'm not sad. I just have a lot on my mind. I know it probably sounds weird to put "happy" and "I have a lot on my mind" together, but really I am. So there it is.

I'm just strangely sore and very out of it.

Hence the whole I'm going to bed thing.

Good night.

If you see my attention span floating around anywhere, send it back. I still have three finals to get through before I'll let it go on vacation. :)

He knows.

2011-12-03T22:44:00.003-05:00

When I cried because I thought I'd never make friends other than Matt,

He knew.

When I believed the lies that it was my fault people were mean to me,

He knew.

When I thought I'd never get over Matt,

He knew.

When I thought I'd never be able to have feelings for someone else,

He knew.

When I thought I'd feel like an outcast forever,

He knew.

See a pattern here?

I realized something tonight while I was talking to my friend Laura Darling. God really has brought me exactly who I needed at exactly the right time.

He waited to bring me girlfriends like Ryann and Elizabeth until I gave up trying to force a relationship between me and my biological sisters. When I truly needed a support system like that, support without which I would've been overcome by loneliness. He made me that much more confident in the statement that real family isn't about DNA. It's about the people whom you trust, the people who love you no matter what, without judgment, without insults, without trivializing you or your feelings. It's about the people who you would do anything for, even if it's something as simple as texting them "I love you" in the middle of the night so they don't forget it.

He waited to bring me a guy like Nick (no, we aren't dating yet) until I accepted the truth about Matt's and my relationship. Just over two months later, and I've met a guy who makes me feel beautiful, and special, something I've never experienced from another human being before, something I always wished Matt would make me feel. When He knew I could finally realize that Matt wasn't the be all end all, and that I really can fall for someone else and the feelings actually be returned. He brought me this guy just when I was finally able to change the way that I look at Matt and start to move on. I wouldn't have been ready to meet Nick last semester, or the semester before that. But I was ready now.

The point I'm trying to get at here? He knows what He's doing. All those times when I felt so lonely I thought my world was suffocating me were to bring me to this point right here.

I don't think I've ever been this happy. I was telling Matt about this when we talked the day after Thanksgiving, and I said, "And I don't know why, but my health hasn't been this good since I was in middle school." He immediately said back, "I do. You're less stressed."

And now that I think about it, maybe he's right. Family's the same, but it doesn't bother me as much because I have my own family here. My relationship with Matt is stronger than ever because he's not all I feel like I have anymore, and because I'm finally secure and don't question his love for me. Plus, I'm finally moving on from my romantic feelings for him and JUST looking at him as my big brother/best friend, something I was afraid would never happen, and that makes things between us WAY less complicated. School's even harder than it used to be, but I have created a life for myself outside of the work, which gives me balance. And I'm no longer having to take Ibuprofen every single day. I don't believe in coincidences.

I know this sounds like a bit of a "year in recap" post, but that's really not my point. My point is this: We all have those times where we wonder what the heck God is doing. What He could possibly be thinking. Why He won't just give us what we're asking for when we ask for it, if He's just going to give it to us anyway. But I'm here as living proof to tell you that everything He has planned for you is timed perfectly. What you think you need right now may not always be what He knows you need.

When your entire world seems crazy, dark, lonely, frustrating, not what you wanted or expected it to be, remember this much:

He knows.

Day one down.

2011-12-02T23:53:00.002-05:00

Got my two hardest finals out of the way today.

The good news is:

a) I feel WAY better about my English final than I did the midterm, so that's good.

b) And I feel really good about my Scope & Methods final, and got an 86 on the big report so I can stop worrying about it, so that's good, too.

c) I got the application submitted for my DC internship in before midnight tonight, which means I get 5% off tuition and priority scholarship consideration if they accept me.

d) Elizabeth came and rescued me and took me for hot chocolate at Starbucks because I told her I was in a bizarre/sad/depressed mood and needed to see a friendly face (see below for why). Girl time with great friends is always helpful.

The bad news is:

a) There's a lot of stuff going on with Ryann and she might not be coming back to Campbell next semester and I'm so sad/sick over it that I had a really hard time focusing at all today.

b) I kissed Nick on the cheek yesterday as we left (I know, I didn't mention it!) and he didn't show up to breakfast, which means I got up at 6:40 for basically no reason, or answer my attempts to contact him at all today, so I had a mini panic attack that I screwed things up. It scared me because even if things don't progress romantically, I still want to keep him as a friend. I'm just gonna leave him be for the rest of the weekend. I need to focus on Ryann anyway.

I'm just over today, honestly. I need some sleep. Thank God that tomorrow's Saturday and that every day is a new chance to feel His presence and blessings.

I can't write much tonight.

2011-12-01T23:32:00.000-05:00

Because I just spent 5.5 hours writing 7 front-and-back pages of info to answer questions on a study guide for my Scope & Methods final tomorrow. HO. LY. CRAP. My hand hurts. SO, tonight I'm writing shorthand to recap the day.

woke up early
ate breakfast
went to tutor Nick
realized Nick didn't actually need tutoring
talked/flirted/held hands with Nick
took a 3-hour nap
ate lunch
read for English
messed around on the computer
went to Marshbanks for dinner
went through 5.5 hour torture of left hand to do study guide
and now here I am
next on agenda: brush teeth
wash face
sleep

I'm getting up ridiculously early to go have breakfast with Nick tomorrow. :)

Baby Steps

2011-11-30T23:55:00.006-05:00

I don't know if God's trying to tell me something, but I am running into Nick in random places at random times a LOT lately.

First, today, CUW got let out early, so I decided to go over to the library to print off my English essay. Outside D. Rich (the building with the auditorium that holds CUW) was flooded with students, and as I'm weaving my way through them trying to get over towards the library, BAM! I see the all-too-familiar camouflage jacket. He was standing with a couple of guys and girl that I didn't know, and he had his back to me, so I snuck up behind him and poked him. :) We chatted for a minute, and I said something like "Don't forget about tomorrow" and one of his friends said "What's tomorrow?" and Nick said "Oh, she's helping me with Stats" and he grinned and said "Ohhhh, you do Stats, huh?" I caught his drift so I said, "Yes, would you like help with Stats, too?" He laughed and said, "Hi. I'm RJ. Help me. Please." So my little one-on-one tutoring session turned into a one-on-three, because apparently Nick, RJ, and the other friend Josh are all in the same Stats class and all need help. But hey, I like helping people, so whatever.

So I went through my day honestly not expecting or really even hoping to see him again today. After my last required concert for Music Appreciation (YAY), I went to Marshbanks just after 5:00 for dinner because it's like a halfway point (not really half, but sort of) between the Fine Arts Building and Burkot. As I stood in line, what did I see? That darn camouflage jacket. :) I asked if I could come eat with him, and he told me they were in the far room. I went in there after I got my food, and he was eating with RJ, Josh, RJ's girlfriend Siobhan (ridiculously awesome name, by the way), and this kind of annoying kid named Mark that I know from various places. We ate and laughed and joked and I got to know a bit about them. Originally, I left around 5:30 because Ryann had told me earlier today that she really needed to talk to me, but then I got outside and called her and she said that her team had called an emergency meeting, so I still have no idea what's going on with her or why she sounded so sad. Anyway, I thankfully was able to get the card swiper lady to let me back in, and we all hung out for a bit more. Then, Siobhan said that she had some project to do and RJ was helping her so they all decided to leave. Nick told me he was gonna walk back with me because he had to go get his car before he could go to their apartment.

This is where today gets even cuter than yesterday.

It was freezing outside when we were walking back because Mother Nature finally decided to start acting like she knew what time of year it was. Nick, being the dork he is, apparently doesn't own pants, so he was wearing shorts and sandals. He was complaining about how cold he was, and I was teasing him about stupid he is for not owning or wearing pants, and then I said my hands were cold. You know what he did? He grabbed my hand and stuck it in his pocket with his. :D

So we held hands for the first time tonight. Of course, when he left, I promptly ran to Twitter to squeal about it because oh my heavens, I have so fallen for this kid.

While I truly do have no expectations out of this, I do have hopes. It's a weird combination of trying not to get my hopes up too high and really, really hoping that things keep progressing. Something just feels oddly right about this.

Then again, it may be a good thing if it doesn't progress; I don't want Matt to pull out this shotgun he says he's getting. I texted him and said, "Get your shotgun ready, dear protective big brother. Nick and I upgraded to holding hands so you know what comes next. ;)" and he wrote back "Shit. I'ma need the double barrel shotgun. What's he weigh? I need to know whether to get slug or buckshot ammunition." Ha! I find it hilarious how scared he is of me not being "innocent" anymore.

Boys. ;)

Today was just cute.

2011-11-29T23:25:00.000-05:00

So Ryann has had this idea in her head for weeks now that she needed to meet Nick. Please don't think I'm some sort of weird stalker, because I'm not, but today I made sure she did. Well, Dr. Steegar let us out early from French because it was the last day and we finished the chapter so it's not like he was going to assign us homework. It was about 9:10 by the time we left the building, and I knew both Ryann and Nick had a class at 9:30 in a nearby building. She had to go to the library to print something, which is thankfully close to both of the places, so I told her that I'd stall Nick when I saw him. She still wasn't there a couple minutes after Nick walked up, so I ended up having to tell him that Ryann wanted to meet him, but luckily he didn't ask any questions about why (that would've just been awkward). They really only talked for about 30 seconds, but when he left to get up to his class (he likes to get there early, like me! haha), she looked at me and grinned and said, "I really like him. He seems really awesome." Which, I'm not too sure how she got that out of the little bit they said to each other, but hey, she approves, so I'm safe. ;)

This is where my day gets cute.

Today after State & Local, Nick and I were walking back from class, and we were talking and just randomly he says "I'm hungry. Do you want food? I want Jole Mole." (Side note: It's Mexican food, but everyone calls it Holy Moly.) I tell him sure, but Jole Mole's closed because it doesn't open till 4, and he teasingly calls me a liar and we go there anyway. I set my purse and binder down when we walk in and he sees it really is closed, so he says "Do you want pizza?" I go back to grab my ID card, and he slides his card up in his hand with a look that said "silly girl, I'm buying." :) So he bought me food. And we spent almost half an hour just talking, and we asked each other about our families, and it was really sweet. He, of course, made me laugh hysterically for most of it. The cutest thing he said was "You's adorable, like kittens and turtles," in this really adorable voice (he apparently thinks turtles are really cute). He insisted on walking me literally all the way to the back door of Burkot before he would give me a hug, even though I stopped in front of his dorm because I knew he had a project to work on. Also, we finally agreed on a time for me to help him prepare for his Statistics final, which would be Thursday at 8:00 in Shouse because he eats breakfast there everyday at that time so he won't forget. I told him there are very few people that I would wake up that early for on a day when I'm allowed to sleep in, so he better show up. He smirked and said, "For you, I will."

Wow that was a lot. In case you skimmed it or missed something, this will basically sum it up: I know my opinion is just slightly biased, but everything he said and did today was just cute. ;) Every time that we hang out, I become more and more smitten with this kid. And while I can't help but wonder if this is going to turn into something more, I like what it is right now. He makes me giddy.

Like seriously. When I agreed to eat pizza with Nick, I forgot that I had dinner plans with Elizabeth at 6, and when she got to where we were eating, I was sitting there still grinning thinking about this afternoon. So I spent a good deal of time gushing about that, so SHE decided she also had to meet Nick and she'll be awake Thursday morning anyway (though I can't figure out why that crazy girl wakes up at 6:00 when she doesn't have to :p), so she's going to just so happen to be coming to Shouse for breakfast on Thursday. ;)

I think it's so cute and sweet that those two girls are so darn protective of me that they feel they have to meet Nick and approve of him even before this is anything serious. Elizabeth told me tonight that since Matt isn't here to threaten him and fill the protective bodyguard role that apparently needs filling, she's more than willing to take the job, which I find hilarious since she doesn't even know Matt.

Anyway, that's a lot of gushing, and a lot of words to read, and I need to go wash my face and get in bed, anyway, so I will just end with this:

Today was cute. :)

You know what's a fun word?

2011-11-28T22:21:00.000-05:00

Inexplicable.

You thought I was going to say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, didn't you?

Great. Now I have Mary Poppins stuck in my head.

Whenever I think of the word "inexplicable" I always imagine someone saying it in a Donald Duck spit-all-over-you kind of voice. You know what I'm talking about, right? (Just nod and smile and maybe I'll go away.)

Anyway, the point I was trying to get to is I'm not sure how I feel today. It's inexplicable. (See, I always find my way back to the point, sometimes it just takes me a minute.)

I mean, today was fine. Nothing really out of the ordinary happened. I went to class, I ate, I did homework, I listened to music. Same old thing.

But I don't know. I just can't think of a particular word to describe the mood I'm in, and I usually can. I'm kind of just...here. I think it's a sort of survival mode in that I'm basically trying to just make it to next Thursday. Thanksgiving totally messes the groove of college up. Having to come back for two weeks just completely throws the "vacation" mindset you get during Thanksgiving off its rocker. It would be so much easier if the semester started at the beginning of August and just ended at Thanksgiving, but that's never going to happen.

I'm in a weird state of "I don't want to go home, but I don't want to stay here, either". I wish I could go to California with Ryann for Christmas. Or to Nashville to see The Vespers! I guess you could say my mood is "itching to travel"?

I will also say that while it was a huge relief to get that report out of my hands and to be done with the last major assignment of this semester, I highly doubt I'm going to stop stressing about it until I see my grade on Friday. Yes, Dr. Thornton is a beast and is going to grade all our massive reports by the final on Friday at 3:00. He was giving a very well-intended lecture today on how we all should just not worry about the reports anymore because they're in his hands and we can't do anything else and we've got other things to worry about, and all of that is true, but I'm not going to just stop wondering how a report worth 25% of my grade turns out. It's not how my mind is wired, and yes, while it may make me a more high-stress person, I don't see what's wrong with that. The way I see it, it means I care about my grades more than most people do.

Wow, I have no idea where this post is going. Look up the word "random" in the dictionary, and I'm pretty sure a link to this post will be beside it.

Anyway, to keep you from wanting to claw your own retinas out from sheer boredom, I will go. I need to go get ready for bed.

I guess this is as good of an ending as any. Bye! :)

I don't know why...

2011-11-28T08:33:00.002-05:00

But this video and performance makes me tear up. Watch from 1:00 to 4:00.

I know why this video makes me laugh hysterically though. Watch it, too. :)

That was easy. Almost too easy.

2011-11-27T22:13:00.001-05:00

It only took me four hours to do my report today.

I'm amazed, and relieved.

But I'm also a little nervous.

When a project that overwhelmed me so badly before I started it feels so easy once it's completed, my mind kind of goes into "second guess" mode where I'm checking everything over and over again, wondering if I got all the components in, reading into every last detail making sure it's descriptive enough.

Like, could it really be that simple?

Gosh, I hope so. Because I don't know if I could stare at that thing for one more minute, even if I wanted to.

I have a very short to-do list for the final three days of classes now that this project is out of my way. It makes me very happy: Music test on Tuesday, English essay due Wednesday (movie's done, just need to get teacher's advice on what to write), State & Local essay due Thursday (that's Reading Day, so I hope to turn it in on Tuesday, only 2 pages), History double quiz on Wednesday, and concert on Wednesday.

That's it! And then begins the fun known as final exams. :) I also have to get my application for the DC internship in by Friday, but I can't do it till Wednesday because Mom has to get paid before I can pay the application fee. (The amount of excitement I have for this internship is worth a post by itself!)

But seriously, y'all. I cannot explain how happy I am to have this big research project off my back finally!

Hope you had a good weekend. Honestly, I'm glad to be back here.

Heart Attack Pack

2011-11-26T23:34:00.004-05:00

(WARNING: SUPER LONG!)

The original Heart Attack Pack was the 1982-1983 NC State Men's Basketball team. They earned that nickname because over and over again they pulled from behind at the last possible second in games that it looked like they'd lose, all the way to the NCAA championship where they won as a #6 seed at the very end 54-52 against a #1 Houston. They also beat #1 Virginia in the West region finals 63-62. According to my mom, the list of games from that season and the following tournament that weren't "heart attacks" is shorter than the list of games that were. (She, being Ms. Cute Popular Rock Band Singer, actually partied with the team fairly frequently. Sidney Lowe, one of the stars of that team, later became the team's head coach.)

Well, uh, I dub the team that played today Heart Attack Pack 2.0. Don't worry, I'll explain why, but first I'm going to tell you about the day. I won't be offended if you skip a lot of the text. It's gonna be long, but I want to remember this game in as much detail as I can remember. The pictures and videos are nice, though. :)

We left at 8:06, which is only 6 minutes behind the time Mom wanted to leave, which is frankly pretty good for us. I rode with Mommom, and Chelsea, Shane, and Blake rode with Mom. Mommom and I stopped to pick up her friend Hilda, who was coming with us because Mom bought an extra ticket. We all went by Bojangles for breakfast, and then headed out. I put my iPod in, but surprisingly didn't fall asleep till after we stopped for gas about halfway there. We then went to Holly's. We brought in all of the Thanksgiving leftovers we brought her, and she and Michael got in Mommom's car. Thankfully, I got to ride in front because Ms. Hilda is tiny and the three of them could fit in the backseat pretty nicely.

We got into the handicap parking lot at a nearby high school about 11:00, and got a shuttle to the stadium. Thank you God for this service, because I wouldn't be able to come to these games without it. This is a picture I snapped on the bumpy ride there. :)

When we got there, I decided I had to memorialize Blake's first football game, so Ms. Hilda took a family photo. This is what happens when you try to get seven adults and a toddler to look at a camera. Oh, and Michael isn't wearing State clothes because he's actually a Carolina fan. Boo. :p

Here are just some pics I got while we were standing around eating and stuff before we climbed up the cramped bleachers to our seats.

I really like those last two. :)

Then, the fun began. We got to see a bit of the marching band's pregame show and the celebration of the seniors on the football team, who were playing their last game in Carter-Finley Stadium, possibly their last game for NC State if we didn't win today. The marching band is called The Power Sound of the South. The announcer also titled them "the most dangerous marching band in the south." :D

I even took a video of the team running onto the field.

Well, actually the fun didn't really start till the second half. The first half was PAINFUL. We had three fumbles in the first eight minutes, and suffice it to say, the score was 34-14 at halftime. The halftime show was really good, though. The videos I got aren't great because the family's too loud, but the music is still fun! :) The first video is Frank Sinatra, and the second video is the Alma Mater and the Fight Song to celebrate the seniors in the marching band.

Mom was cracking jokes about how she didn't know how the team was gonna play without butt cheeks because Tom O'Brien was most certainly chewing their asses out for playing such a pathetic first half. The beginning of the third quarter wasn't much more promising. At the 10:50 mark, Maryland scored again, making the score 41-14, a horrendous deficit, and that was when at least 10% of the started clearing out. Mom's rule is after spending the money on the tickets, you stay until the end, win or lose. God bless her for that. :D After that final touchdown, it was as if a firecracker was lit under every member of our team, and we just took off. Not to mention, I don't know if the Maryland team just got cocky or what, but they made several stupid fumbles and mistakes that helped our defense to hold them back.

At the end of the third quarter, the score was 41-28. Mom said, "Two touchdowns in a quarter is very doable." I replied, "True, but getting two touchdowns while also keeping the other team from scoring at all may not be." Because really, our team has been very touch-and-go in getting the offense and defense to both be at the top of their game, so what I said wasn't farfetched. Heh. Little did I know...

Fourth quarter, we played like I've never seen us play before. I think everyone in the stadium was on their feet for the entire 15 minutes. In only fifteen minutes, we went from down 41-28 to this:

We turned a 27-point deficit four minutes and ten seconds into the third quarter to a 15-point win at the end. Those last seven points came off an interception that spanned almost the entire length of the field. We had 42 unanswered points in one half!! That is the biggest comeback in NC State history, and the 2nd biggest comeback in ACC (Atlantic Coast Conference) history! What a way to end the season for all of our seniors, two of whom are TJ Graham, easily our best offensive player, and Audie Cole, one of the best on our defense. AND NOW WE GET A BOWL BID!!! (It was total luck that I took this pic the exact second VICTORY popped up on the jumbotron, but I think it adds to the effect. :D)

I seriously may not be able to talk tomorrow because I screamed almost constantly as loud as I could for the second half of the third quarter and all of the fourth. Mom and I were having a blast celebrating with both the couple behind us and the family in front of us.

Of course, this day was far from perfect. There were fights throughout because, well, Chelsea's Chelsea, Shane's apparently as disrespectful and ignorant as she is, and my grandma just likes to complain about everything. But that seriously didn't even bother me once that gorgeous, miracle-upon-miracles game was over. What did bother me was when we got to the front of the line for the shuttles to take us back to our cars, the one there was full so it drove off, and FOUR shuttles got stuck in traffic for twenty minutes, and I stood there for so long that from my back all the way down to my feet was tthrobbing so badly that I started crying. I have no idea why the pain got so bad, but it did, and it sucked. Thankfully Mommom had Tylenol, and Chelsea had Ibuprofen, and Shane found a short wall I could sit on for a few minutes while we waited. I was still limping by the time we got to our cars, but it was a lot better once I could sit down.

Mom, Chelsea, Shane, and Blake headed on to a Wendy's in Fuquay, and the rest of us drove Holly and Michael back to her house before we went there, too. It was nice to actually sit down and eat in there and not have to eat in the car. Mommom and Ms. Hilda drove me back to Campbell, so I made sure to get a picture with Blake before we separated.

Chelsea didn't like the face he made in this one, so Mom told her to take another.

I LOVE this one. He's not looking straight at the camera, but you can still see his cute smile.

When I got back, all I did was unpack and my laundry. Now, I've got to fold and put away my laundry, make my bed, and shave before I can go to bed. I've got to get up EARLY tomorrow because I'm gonna be spending all day on my project report. I totally didn't work on that over the break. Oops! :p Oh well, it'll get done. As Holly said, I'm now a "real" college student for finally majorly procrastinating on something. Haha!

If you made it this far, you're awesome.

Thank you God for a better day.

2011-11-25T20:41:00.000-05:00

Tonight's meal was awesome. I couldn't take pictures of all of the amazing food because I didn't realize my camera battery was dead until about 5 minutes before we started eating, but at least I'll be able to take pictures tomorrow. We had turkey croquets with special flour gravy, fresh green beans, Mommom's sister's sweet corn from her farm, pork loin, the amazing mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, squash casserole, broccoli-cheese-rice casserole, stuffed mushrooms, cranberry-apple-orange relish, and my uncle's awesome homemade bread. At least I think that was all. That should give you a pretty good idea of how well we ate tonight, anyway. It was really good to see my Uncle Kirk, Aunt Donna, Dusty, and Brianna because we really don't get to see each other much now that Dusty and I are at school, and they're constantly running Bri to soccer practices and such.

Frankly, I'm just glad there wasn't a lot of fighting today. Of course, that's probably because Chelsea was at work from 9 to 5, but hey, I'll take it however I can get it.

My grandma took me to Jacksonville today to exchange the NC State hoodie she bought me because it was way too big. Wow. I know it had to be done because the game is tomorrow, but I never want to go to any retail store on Black Friday ever again.

Yay! The game is tomorrow! :D

The game starts at 12:30, so my mom says we're pulling out of the driveway at 8:00 sharp because we have to pick up Holly and get into the good handicap parking area. I've still got to watch a 112-minute movie for my English class, so I better get started!

Maybe I jinxed it.

2011-11-24T21:23:00.003-05:00

Here's a quote from my post three days ago.

"On holidays, everyone in my family seems to get along. Especially now that us "kids" are getting older, so Dustin and I really don't fight anymore. Even Chelsea gets a grip on life on holidays."

Heh. Funny how things can change so drastically in just 72 hours, no?

Today was bad.

I actually did a lot better than I did yesterday in keeping my cool. I don't think I've yelled once today. But I've learned over the years that it doesn't do much good if only one person is putting in effort. Chelsea was horrible, whining and moaning about every little thing and refusing to cooperate and picking fights at every possible opportunity. That wouldn't have been so bad by itself, because it's certainly not anything any of us aren't used to. But combine in my mom and grandma yelling back and bitching about everything constantly and taking it out on me when I was actually keeping my mouth SHUT, and you get our family's special brand of hell. And I get to do it all again tomorrow in front of more family.

It's really sad when it's Thanksgiving, a day where you're supposed to be with family and talk and rejoice in all the good things you have in life, and you're holed up in your room having a really hard time thinking anything except how badly you wish you weren't home.

Oh Lord, please help me to find my inner peace in You, no matter what my family says or does. Help me to remember all the good things and people I have. Please just help me. I need it.

A for Effort

2011-11-23T19:53:00.000-05:00

Today's been really up and down.

I haven't kept my cool as much as I should have, but I really am trying.

I'm thankful that God knows my heart and knows when I'm putting in the effort but simply falling short, as I do ever so often.
Tomorrow's Thanksgiving. Wow. We're only having a small meal tomorrow because Uncle Kirk and his family are going to Aunt Donna's parents' house. Since we really don't care about doing it on the exact day, they're coming to our house Friday for the big, full-blown meal.

Hopefully I'll really be able to focus tomorrow because I haven't gotten enough done today. But it'll get done. It always does.

I need Benadryl. I swear I am allergic to this house. Darn sinuses.

Here's hoping I do better tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day.

Determination comes in handy.

2011-11-22T23:36:00.000-05:00

Along with a good pair of earphones. ;)

So um, I'm exhausted, but I wanted to say a little bit about today.

First of all, I love my mother. And I hate seeing her beat herself up because she doesn't have enough money to buy everything we need all the time (and by that I mean like I need new glasses, not food or clothes or anything super essential). She is my hero, and my future kids will be lucky if I am half the mother she is. Just putting that out there.

Second of all, Blake looks like a little boy now! It's FREAKY!! I mean, I know he's not even 21 months old yet, but he just looks so much bigger. I guess it's kind of throwing me off because I haven't seen him since Fall Break.

And lastly, (well, side note - the word 'lastly' just looks weird in writing. Is that right?) when Mom and I got home tonight, I was almost instantly reminded why it's a good thing that I rarely come home, but I honestly don't even care about that. I'm determined to enjoy this break, to catch my breath, to smile, and to realize how lucky I am to have the life that I do even when I feel like the people in it are driving me batty. ;)

Isn't what this holiday is all about in the first place? :)

Reasons Why I'm SO Ready To Go Home

2011-11-21T23:11:00.001-05:00

For one, Campbell is kind of a one-time deal with their heating system. And I mean that once there's 2 straight days of cold, the AC goes off and the heat comes on and it's that way till April or whenever they get bored. So considering the fact that NC weather is freakin' psychotic and for weeks now we have had a couple days of cold in between several days of SEVENTY FIVE DEGREES in the MIDDLE OF FREAKING NOVEMBER, I am sweating constantly because my room is a sauna when the heat is on and it's just as hot outside. Even when I turn the dial I have in my room to "Off" there's still a tiny bit of hot air that blows out of my vent. I will spare you the details of what I do to try and combat this heat wave, but I will say this: It's a darn good thing I don't have a roommate or I'd be screwed! My house at home, however is kept at 68 degrees year round (70 on occasion if it's really cold) and only turns the heat on when it's cold and promptly turns it up when it's manageable without it. So yes, I miss my AC!

Second of all, my sweet little Blake man is there. And I miss him. To go from seeing all that cute every day to once every few weeks is just not cool. And here's a little breaking news I've yet to share: Mom says Chelsea and Shane's wedding might not still be on and if it's not, Mom and I won't have to deal with them moving to Georgia! I'll update as I learn more details, which will also be a result of being home.

Third? THE FOOD. One of the perks of growing up in my family is that it is FULL of ridiculously talented cooks. My mom and grandma spare no mercy on holiday meals, and I don't know what my uncle does when he cooks our Thanksgiving turkey but it's incredible. Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas meals are so good in my family. I'm bringing my camera home (hello! Blake pictures!) so I'll try to remember to snap some pictures of the full table for you. Plus, my mom usually hosts Thanksgiving and her, her brother and her mom (aka my uncle and my grandma, ha! don't know why I wrote it like that) all live in the same town, which means not only do I not have to leave town for the holidays, I don't even have to leave the house.

Which sort leads me to my next reason: family. On holidays, everyone in my family seems to get along. Especially now that us "kids" are getting older, so Dustin and I really don't fight anymore. Even Chelsea gets a grip on life on holidays. And plus there's Blake now and he can make anything happy. :) I'm sad, though, because I don't think Holly's coming home because of work because she wants to make sure she gets Christmas Day off, but at least we'll see her Saturday at the football game!

Okay, that's all the time I've got to blog tonight. I still have to listen to some CDs for my music test tomorrow, and then I need to get to bed because 6:30 am is early. But hey, I've almost survived an entire semester of that ungodly hour, so there's a plus. ;)

Except there was no money involved.

2011-11-20T22:35:00.000-05:00

You know that saying "another day, another dollar"?

I know what it means. It means that it was just an average day basically.

And I wanted to title this post that to say it about today because today was an average weekend day for me. But I don't know if I can really use it to describe today because most people use it to describe a day at work, like real work where they get paid, hence the "another dollar" party. And while I worked today, a LOT, I don't get paid for this. So I'm not sure if that's really an appropriate thing to say.

Wow, I'm way too over-analytical tonight. Blame my Scope & Methods project. Yes, I finally actually started on the thing, 8 days before it's due. This is so unlike me! But yeah, I got all the mathematical stuff done, which means tomorrow begins the arduous process of writing the report. I am so not looking forward to that, but hey, it must be done, and whining about it will get me nowhere except closer to the deadline.

I went to another concert today. In the midst of everything else that has been going on this month, I've completely neglected the concerts I'm required to attend for my Music class. Well, not completely. I would make plans to go to one, with full intent on going....and then totally forget I made those plans. Oops! So including today, there were 4 concerts offered between now and the end of the semester, and I have to go to 3 of them to get my required 10. One down, two to go. I'm going to another one tomorrow, and then the last one next Wednesday. The other one is next Tuesday, and I refuse to miss Glee if I don't have to, especially since stupid FOX decided to make viewers wait 8 days to be able to watch episodes online. I just must not forget! Hopefully with the help of my whiteboard, I can remind myself enough so that I won't. The concert was good, though. And it was short, which is always a plus. You know what they say, time is money. (Man, I'm full of clichés tonight.)

So grateful this is a 2-day week. I am ready to get off this campus and go home for a few days. Even if I will be spending 90% of my time home doing homework, it will be so nice. I miss my Blake man! :)

An Equation

2011-11-19T23:16:00.002-05:00

‎22 first downs

+ 0 turnovers

+ 2 fumble recoveries

+ 2 interceptions

+ 398 total yards

+ 6 sacks

+ beating the #7 team in the nation

= a great day of football for the Wolfpack!

Now, I don't care about the NFL. I don't care about the records of any other college teams, but one thing is for sure: I love me some Wolfpack!

And nothing makes me prouder than seeing my team surprise EVERYONE and beat a team that every sports reporter on TV expected to crush us. Actually, what would make me prouder is beating Maryland next Saturday and becoming bowl eligible. That would REALLY shock the world. :)

Seriously, though, it's not every day that an unranked, struggling team beats a team in the Top 10 in the country. And Clemson has the number 1 offense in the conference, yet they only got 3 points in the first quarter, and then 10 in the fourth, and they gave up 4 turnovers.

I'm sorry if you don't care about football and this is boring for you. I'm just so ridiculously excited. I thought when we lost to Boston College last weekend, our chances to get sent to a bowl were gone because we had to win two of our last three games in order for it to happen (last weekend, this weekend and next weekend). But no! It's still possible! I can't wait to get back to Carter-Finley Stadium next weekend. With so much riding on the game, the stadium is going to be ridiculous.

So yes. That was lovely. And that's all the time I've got to spare. It's 11:15 pm and I've still got a LOT of reading I have to do before I can go to bed. I've been doing homework all day, even through the game, but this is just how it gets at the end of the semester.

Bright Spots

2011-11-18T23:21:00.001-05:00

Overall, honestly, I don't really feel any better than I did yesterday.

But I am so grateful that God gave me the bright spot of seeing my dear friends reach their goal. I don't think anything makes me happier in this life than seeing people I love be rewarded for their hard work and dedication.

Also kind of really beautiful? I think this is the first time my faith has completely outweighed my fear. Throughout the past three and a half weeks, even though I had seconds of doubt, I knew deep in my soul that God was going to provide this for them.

I just didn't think the last six grand would show up in twenty-four hours. That God of ours is such a showoff sometimes. ;)

I don't really have much to say today. My mind is tired, and I have a lot of work to do.

I have hope. I have friends. I have the security in knowing that God always provides.

So what it basically boils down to is this: even when I feel down, my life is good.

Hopefully I'm a little more verbose tomorrow. :)

Look at this, y'all. LOOK!

2011-11-18T14:27:00.004-05:00

God is good. God is so, so, so very GOOD.

I am so excited for my friends. Words can't even describe.

Is this what spiritual attack feels like?

2011-11-17T22:03:00.000-05:00

All week long, I've felt like I've been on the verge of tears.

Constantly.

And I have no idea why.

Even when I'm with my friends and I'm laughing, or I'm in class and I'm thinking about the work, I feel like I'm about to start crying.

I have no reason to be sad! And I really felt like I had a better handle on my stress. And it's not like I've gotten any bad news, or gotten in any fights with friends, or anything like that.

I tried to ignore it. I didn't want to talk about it on here because I thought that it would go away, but it didn't. It just got worse.

And now I'm sitting here watching Private Practice and crying (granted, watching a show about giving a drug addict an intervention probably wasn't the smartest idea being in this state). I feel like every muscle in my body is in pain.

I want to know what the heck is going on in my world right now. I want to know why I feel so sickeningly sad when I have no reason to be. I want to know why I'm suddenly paralyzed with a fear of everyone in my life when this semester was the FIRST time that I ever actually felt secure in my relationships.

God, what is going on? Please help me.

Comfort zones are like bad relationships.

2011-11-16T22:29:00.002-05:00

They hold you back from really amazing things God could have in store for you. And when you let 'em go, you wonder what took you so long and what you were so scared of in the first place.

Today's CUW (Campbell University Worship) was, as the campus minister called it, a "town hall meeting." They wanted to know helpful ideas people had about how they could make CUW better (i.e. no saying they should get rid of CUW, because they won't) and what we as students wanted to get out of it. I personally think that was really cool of them. Because this is my last semester of CUW, I thought it would be a bit rude and selfish of me to say anything, but I thought it was nice to see people actually participating. I was kind of amazed at how many people had ideas and suggestions.

Well, it actually inspired an idea in me. Some people said they wanted more testimonies from fellow students instead of just outside adults. That was actually my idea, too. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I should volunteer to share my story next semester. Part of me wants to, and part of me was instantly nervous about the idea.

Then, I thought, that maybe that was part of God's point behind. He puts us in uncomfortable situations all the time just so we can serve Him better. And if I can help someone else with things they struggle with, the way other people have helped me with mine, then any nerves I have about the situation won't matter.

So now, I basically just really hope that the email I sent volunteering gets a "yes" response! :)

For someone who is structured and thrives on plans and is NOT spontaneous like me, this is pretty big.

I totally had something I wanted to blog about.

2011-11-15T23:33:00.000-05:00

And then I blinked and it became 11:30 and all I can think about is how tired I am because I had a busy day.

So instead, I'm posting a really, really catchy song.

Maybe I'll get lucky and remember what I wanted to blog about tonight tomorrow.

Enjoy. And forgive. Say a prayer for my teacher, Dr. Stanke. She's horribly sick and is more worried about the effect her missing so many days will have on her students' semester than her own health. Sounds like I'd be in that situation, but I feel bad for her.

Let it be.

2011-11-14T22:18:00.001-05:00

Let it be.

Let it be.

Oh, let it be.

Whisper words of wisdom,

Let it be.

That's what I'm focusing on today.

Just being.

When there are so many people I want to help, and so many problems I want to fix, I have to force myself to take a step back and breathe.

I have to focus on holding on to the peace that has been my goal of this year.

Sometimes the key to calming yourself down is realizing that you can't do everything and you can't be everything that people need. Sometimes, you have to take care of yourself first.

Today, my workload has not changed from yesterday. But my perspective has. Peace has come over me, and my determination is running free.

So tonight, I'm going to bed with the sound of one of my favorite Beatles songs in my head.

I hope you have some peace tonight, as well.

If time is money, then I'm broke.

2011-11-13T21:17:00.000-05:00

Today's just one of those days where I feel overwhelmed, that there's not enough time to do all of the things I need to do for all of the classes that I have.

Though, I suppose this is a pretty normal reaction for a college student who is now two and a half weeks away from the end of classes and the start of exams.

Normal, sure, but knowing that doesn't make it any less bothersome.

Of course, this feeling wasn't exactly helped by the fact that I FINALLY started doing work on my massive Scope & Methods project that is due in two weeks and realized finding presidential approval polls separated by state or region about past presidents from a reputable polling company is next to impossible, so I now have had to slightly modify my idea and only focus on Obama, so the depth of everything I have to do to make up for my idiotic procrastination on top of everything I have to do that's on schedule pretty much smacked me in the face today and I almost cried in the middle of the library. Almost.

Plus, this same professor apparently thinks the definition of "easy reading" is "70 pages on 18th-century French cat massacres and metaphors". Don't even ask. I have no clue whatsoever what the point was. That was a giant waste of my oh-so-precious time.

I am so out of it. Mentally, I feel like I've been hit by a truck, so I'm just gonna go to bed and pray that God rejuvenates me tomorrow and helps me to use my time more wisely.