Thursday, July 30, 2009
For starters, I didn't fall asleep till after 1 am last night. I woke up at 5 for no particular reason, fell asleep at 5:30, woke up at 7:15 thinking my mom and Chelsea had overslept, and woke up again at 7:45 to Mom and Chelsea talking in the other room.
Mom left just before 8:00, and Chelsea instantly came in my room asking me to sign her into Mom's computer, claiming "Mom just didn't have time to." Being smarter than Chelsea gives me credit for, I called Mom and asked her. The answer? A resounding "NO." That took about five minutes of Chelsea whining.
Then, just as I was bout to doze off, guess what happens at about 8:15? The smoke alarms went off. For no reason. And I had no idea why or how to turn them off. And it was this really loud, really high-pitched, ear-piercing beeping. I was just lucky that Chelsea hadn't left yet. So we thought it was the one in my room. Nope, she unplugs it, and there's more beeping. Next, we thought it was the one in the hall right outside my door. Nope. More beeping! So finally we unplug the one in Chelsea's room, and it stops. Whew.
Well, of course, the entire time it's happening, I'm calling my mom in a panic because most of the time, the smoke alarm going off is bad. All of these bad pictures of there being a fire I can't find run through my head. And my mom is all "Well, I can't exactly do much from this far away."
So she tells me to call my grandma. For some bizarre reason, she calls her as I'm calling her. (Mom, why would you tell me to call her if you were just going to?) So of course I can't get her, and then she calls me back, and she's all freaked out, but I'm telling her it's stopped so she doesn't need to come over. She tells me she's going to come over anyway and look. (Note: There is no stopping my grandmother when she wants to do something.) And she's all "You better not go back to sleep." All right, then.
Then, she comes over and we find out the smoke detectors really are battery-operated, contrary to what my mom thought, and so she says she's going to go buy batteries. She doesn't come back, though, except to bring me food, because she wants to go buy them and a smoke detector for my mom's room in Jacksonville.
I thought that once she left I could go back to sleep. Nope. Aside from the pointless pictures going through my head about our house burning down, my phone would not stop ringing. My mom, my grandma, mom's friend, Chelsea, my mom's other friend who was taking Chelsea to court all decided it'd be a good idea to bug the heck out of me all day. Yes, everyone but Chelsea had reason, but still. Not nice.
And now Chelsea is all ornery because Mom won't let her on the computer. How typical, eh?
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
I got a new retainer.
It was to replace the old retainer I left at a Chinese restaurant.
Let me say this.
This little thing hurts!
It currently feel like it's trying to break or knock out my front tooth.
But that means it's doing its job.
And on top of that, my back has been bugging me all day for no reason.
The good news? This medicine Chelsea is on is already working. :) Thank you Jesus.
There's not much else, so this is all you wonderful friends get tonight.
Monday, July 27, 2009
I thought I could take my mom wanting to protect Chelsea all the time, but I can't.
She's back, and I just can't take my feelings not mattering anymore.
She thinks she's the least cared about in the family or whatever, but in reality my mom will do anything to help her no matter how badly it hurts me.
I'm angry, and I'm hurt, and I'm literally sitting here sobbing right now.
This isn't fair. My feelings DO MATTER. And just because I'm not her crazy child doesn't mean I don't still need protecting.
I feel like throwing up right now. And I don't know how to have the strength to get over this. I'm tired of feeling so unimportant. But then I feel bad because I know this isn't easy for my mom.
God, please help me. I need You.
UPDATE 6:45 pm
Okay, so I think I just used up my one allotted big emotional breakdown. ;-)
My mom's friend was who brought Chelsea home, and she stayed for a long time talking to all of us. Wow.
I'm not too excited right now, but Chelsea has made some improvements today, and I really want to believe that things will be different. I'm really, really trying to believe that we can make it these next 19 days.
Thanks to all. Now focus on praying for Stellan.
Oh, and stay tuned. Mandy at Blogs by Mandy is giving me a blog makeover. Finally, my blog is going to be like all the other real ones and look pretty! Visit her personal blog while you're at it. :)
Mom actually left Chelsea at the psychiatrist place they went to this morning. While I have a whole new level of respect for her solely because of the fact that she did it to begin with, it doesn't get better.
The psych place just called. They can't commit her and they can't send her to a shelter because she's pregnant. As in just because she's pregnant she's sane? Far from it.
I can tell my mom's waivering. I can see it in her eyes that she wants to go get her. But part of me wants to be selfish for once in this whole situation and tell her not to bring that selfish brat back in the house and make the last 19 days of my last summer before college absolute hell. But then I think, How can I live with myself when I ask my mom to turn her back on her own daughter, to choose one child over the other? I can't. I mean, part of the reason I feel this way is because Chelsea treats my mom worse than anyone, but it stills feels selfish to me. I don't know what to think or what to feel.
And I know some of you are going to say that this is what my mom has to do for Chelsea's own good. She knows that. She really does. But she doesn't know how to let go of the motherly instinct to make everything okay for her daughter.
My mom typed up a 4 page history of Chelsea for the psychiatrist. I read it to edit it for her, and I feel like my heart broke all over again. There were things mentioned in there that I had no idea about, that I could never imagine my own sister doing.
I know I've said a lot of things to my sister that I never should've said. I will admit I've said things to her that were mean. But frankly, what else do you expect me to have as a defense mechanism against a girl who's done nothing but verbally abuse me for 10 years? I'm a girl who's heard since she was 8 that her own sister was going to kill her in her sleep. That doesn't excuse it, I know. I'm really not trying to make excuses. But I do know that I would never say the things I've said if she hadn't done to me what she has.
I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense. Between the stress of my own family, and the late night screaming matches, and the fact that I've been worrying about Stellan, I haven't slept since 4 pm yesterday. I'm exhausted. And I have a pounding headache. And yet I can't sleep.
How ironic. All I wanted was a day of peace and quiet without my sister and I can't get some rest.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Last night, I went in the kitchen to fill up my medicine cube, and Chelsea came after me. She started harassing me because she heard me when I was crying in front of Mom because of how stressed I am. Apparently me crying makes me a baby and I need to grow up. Right.
I wasn't expecting her to suddenly be angelic. I was just expecting her to leave me alone. I hadn't said one word to her.
The ironic thing is that I was going to talk to her. I was going to tell her that I was proud of her for finally agreeing to get help. Now, I'm just trying to ignore her entirely. Of course, then she got all mad because I wouldn't talk to her, but hey, I can never win with her.
Most of all, I want to thank all of you for being so kind. For listening to me rant. For praying for my family. The fact that strangers can take such a loving interest in my family gives me hope.
But you don't need to worry about me. I get to leave on August 15th. That's all the change I'll need.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
The good news is that for the first time Chelsea was actually honest about needing help. Monday she has an appointment at the health department and then they're going to Social Services and get her Medicaid. She can take all her old medicines except one without hurting the baby, and so once she gets Medicaid she'll start back on them. That is excellent because on the meds, Chelsea's a normal human being.
Mom told her that if she raged again she was going to get arrested, and the cop who was here today also said she'd arrest her on the spot if she had to come back.
I'm nauseous. Yet relieved that Chelsea managed to tell the truth for the first time in a very long time.
Prayers are still needed. This is far from over.
There's a cop sitting in my living room.
Chelsea's not being arrested. My mom just had to resort to calling the cops to get her to leave.
I know, more than anything, this girl needs help. Psychological help.
The scary part is that nobody can force her to get any because she's over 18 and not violent with people.
Prayers are needed and would be much appreciated.
UPDATE 1:50 pm
My mom just left with the cop and Chelsea. Apparently, they're taking her to the hospital to talk to a doctor.
PLEASE PRAY. I don't know specifically what's going on because I was in my room the entire the cop was here but PLEASE PRAY. The last time my sister was taken to the hospital, she convinced a doctor that everything was fine and wonderful and they let her go.
This girl needs help. Please God, do not let this attempt fail.
UPDATE 3:45 pm
My mom just called. They're taking Chelsea to the hospital and putting her under a 72-hour psychiatric hold.
I am so thankful for that because even though it's not much, it's a start.
But I'm confused because my mom said "hopefully she'll be there for 72 hours." Why wouldn't they? I just hope this time it doesn't fail.
My mom is on her way home, though, so I can breathe. I think I'll take a nap because, frankly, I'm exhausted.
Friday, July 24, 2009
You see, my mom and I made promises to each other that we are going to stop saying bad things to/about my sister because, frankly, we're better than that. But I swear, she makes me absolutely sick.
I still don't get how my mother could've given birth to someone or I could be related to someone so completely stupid.
Oh, you'd like to know what I'm referring to this time, wouldn't you?
Chelsea absolutely refuses to stop smoking.
Absolutely REFUSES. Despite the common sense from my mother and having a neonatal nurse tell her what it can do to a baby. Which any human being would know by looking at a pack of cigarettes!
And then she has the nerve to claim she actually cares about the baby.
Ya know, I'm really proud of myself that I haven't said anything bad about her since I made that promise, but this feeling of despise I have makes me feel horrible. At least I'm trying, though, right?
Thanks for all your sweet comments, by the way. I truly appreciate it.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Guess which one of my mom daughters is pregnant.
I'll give you three guesses, and it's not me or Holly.
She has no idea what this means. My mother is trying to talk some sense into her, and she just thinks life is going to be just what it's always been. She doesn't even know who the father is. And she refuses to accept the fact that when you don't have a place to live (because she is NOT staying here), a job, or a way to support yourself, you can't be a mother. She won't even consider putting it up for adoption because she's already using it to trap a guy into taking care of her. She actually laughed in my mother's face when the test turned positive.
And I have no idea why I'm so angry, but I am. I get so fed up with her saying unbelievably horrible things that I scream and say things that I normally would never say to anyone. I need strength to deal with her, strength I'm begging God to help me find, and it just makes me feel so broken. I'm supposed to love her unconditionally, and sometimes I don't know if I do.
I never thought I would wish a miscarriage on someone. But that's what I'm hoping happens. How sick is that? But it's because I sure don't want her to have an abortion, and she's not going to give it up, and if she actaully has this baby, my mom is going to have to fight and go to court and take custody away from her and my mom does not need that when she's already got so much work stress and family stress.
God, please help me....
And I turn to this blog to document my feelings because the people I know on here seem to never judge me.
I just feel so broken. I feel so lost and helpless and weak. And I know that the strength I need can only come from God. But sometimes I feel ignored. Even though I know He's always working, it feels like my prayers are being ignored when I'm constantly watching this family take a downward spiral.
God, please move quickly.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Maybe it wasn't.....
So I was expecting that the message that I sent Matt saying I was done was just going to be it. He was off the hook like he was making it clear he wanted to be, and I could just forget it and move on.
Well, he wrote me on Myspace today.
"Why has this come around? What did I do?"
I felt like the wind had gotten knocked out of me for about an hour before I called him. He said he'd call me back, and I wasn't expecting him to, but he did about an hour ago. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I got pure sincerity out of him. He asked me not to give up. He apologized. And Matt doesn't apologize for anything, like ever, so that was pretty huge.
Maybe I am setting myself up to get hurt again. But I've known this kid for seven years. And I guess I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't want whoever's reading this to think I'm some lovesick puppy who's going to let him walk all over her. Because I'm not. I told him I'm tired of putting up with crap from everyone, including him, and I wasn't going to take it from anyone anymore. I felt so good about what I thought was the right decision by walking away from him, that I know I could do it again if he starts becoming a jerk all over again.
Maybe you all will think I'm stupid. That I'm setting myself up for another broken heart. But he asked me to give him another chance and not to give up on him yet, and I'm going to give him that.
Just this once.
Please don't get mad at me for being young and clueless and crazy about him. I'm 17 and I'm trying to figure out what to do, where to go, and the best way to take care of myself all at the same time.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Here's your proof that prayer works. I broke down crying at 3 in the morning last night begging God to give me either the strength to deal with this or some relief.
Thank you God.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Because I don't trust my sisters.
Because I don't believe my sisters.
Because I hate who my sisters are.
Because I don't have the patience to be kind to my sisters.
Because I think my sisters are lazy.
Because I don't buy into either of their "pity me" parties, one of which my mom frequently joins in on.
Because I think my sisters need to grow up.
Because I think my mother plays favorites with one sister.
Because I get so mad at them, I forget to be the light of Christ they need, whether or not they realize it.
I just need to get away...from all of them. This isn't good for me. And I'm tired of feeling so horribly about myself. I need change. 4 weeks.
On a side note, I did walk away from Matt. Since he wouldn't answer my phone calls, I sent him a message on Myspace that said I couldn't take how he was treating me anymore and that I was basically just done. Yes, I am heartbroken, but strangely enough, I feel really good about my decision.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are absolutely hysterical in this film. I'm sick, and even I laughed the entire way through this movie. And don't even get me started on Betty White as the 90-year-old grandmother. Yes, there is a naked scene (not sexual), so it may not be a good idea to bring kids along, but it is soooo worth it. It's funny and romantic and just all around great. The end does get kind of cliche, but who wouldn't expect that in a chick flick? I give this movie five stars! Hahaha. No seriously, go see it. Now.
Or just wait till it comes out on Pay Per View. That's usually what we do, but this was my grandma's treat.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
So my mom asked Holly if she took my razor. Princess goes into this "how dare you accuse me, woe is me" crap and hangs up on my mother. Now she's "so upset" that she won't talk to my mom.
That on top of the twelve hours of pure hell that Chelsea was here today is making my mom feel like crap about herself as a parent. And I don't know what to do to help. No matter what my brainless sisters say, she is not a bad mother. Period. And I'd like to slap them both in the face for hurting her the way they are. I've even searched the bathroom again and my room just to try to prove myself wrong, and it's not working out too well. Princess and Loony (yes, I'm considering making those their new blog names, haha) need to learn how to stop being so dramatic and so wrapped up in themselves and take a second to see what they're doing to the woman who's given them everything! Granted, I know Chelsea's got mental problems that will probably keep her from this realization for many many years, but Holly has no excuse.
I mean, it's not like I never dislike my mother or never get mad at her. That's normal, but I don't get how those two brats could've possibly turned out the way they did, or what the hell is wrong with them that they're so self-absorbed. They're my older sisters. I'm supposed tow ant to be like them, to look up to them. Nope. Instead, it appears that I'm the only one who's not a lazy, self-centered, clueless, idiotic bum.
Bottom line: I don't put up with anyone treating my mom the way these two do. EVER.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
At first I thought that since Holly had cleaned the shower last week when she was here, maybe she moved it somewhere and forgot to put it back. So after my shower, I check the drawers and cabinet in my bathroom. Guess what. It's still not there.
So I go and tell my mom that Princess Holly, who already stole my mother's makeup, has stolen my razor. Chelsea hasn't been in the house in forever, so it's not like she could've done it, even though she would normally be my first suspect. Well guess what my mom's response is. "Oh, no, you must just not see it." Even though I dug through the WHOLE FREAKING CABINET looking for it. And not to mention Holly had the perfect reason to do it since her razor is broken.
But nooooo, Princess Holly would never do such a thing! This coming from the woman who knows that she also stole her makeup.
I swear, the double standards in the family make me sick.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I failed them all.
And my mom's mad.
And I'm mad.
And these things are going to Campbell.
My mom is all "It would've helped if you studied."
And I'm all "It would've helped if I'd been there the seven weeks before the tests."
Ugh. Oh well. I mean, it's not like it affects me graduating or anything, so it's not that huge of a deal. I'm just nervous what the Campbell people are going to think.
This on top of being sick = a very irritable Mallory.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Whatever's going on between me and Matt...I don't even know what to call it...well, it isn't good for me. I feel like I'm having to beg the guy who is supposed to be my best friend just to talk to me. I don't want to be that girl. I'm not supposed to be that girl. I've already been that girl and it's dangerous. I'm tired of acting like the girl who just hangs on his every word. I'm better than that.
Do I love him? More than anything. Do I want to be with him? Absolutely. But more than anything, I miss the guy who was there for me no matter what. Who came to visit me at 2 in the morning just to talk and because he's the only person my mom would let in the house that late. I miss the guy who I could call just to rant about whatever new thing my family was doing to bug me. I miss the guy who took me in his arms, asked me if everything was okay, and reassured me that he was there for me when I told him it wasn't.
I keep telling myself that he's not going to be my whole world anymore, but I still end up the same hurting, crazy girl I always was. I used to think he was God's gift to me, that he was the one good thing in my life. Now, I'm beginning to wonder what I ever saw in him because every phone call and text I send to him that goes unanswered or unreplied breaks my heart a little bit more. I don't deserve that. No girl deserves that.
I don't hate him. I don't think it's physically possible for me to hate this kid. And it scares the hell out of me to think about the fact that I need to let him go. But I know that's what I have to do for my own sanity. I can't sit around and let myself get hurt just because I'm in love with him. For once, I'm learning that I have to watch out for myself.
If only I knew this when I was 13 because seriously, this situation with Matt keeps getting closer and closer to the situation I was in back then. And that's scary. I have to protect myself from getting heartbroken, even if this was a guy I literally saw myself spending forever with.
Maybe, if I could just talk to him, and he could be flat out honest with me and tell me that he's really not trying to hurt me and that he really does care about me, things could be different. But I don't expect much because in almost seven years, it's been a rare occasion for him to open up. (Isn't that how it is for most guys, though?)
My heart hurts. It just hurts. And I know I need to do something to change that. But my only fear is that letting him go could be a huge mistake, and then I'd be hurting even worse.
What to do, what to do.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Well, that's how I feel today. I feel like I was frozen to my bed, not having the energy to get out to do anything. I don't know what my problem is. Maybe it's from everything I did this past week. Either way, I've definitely caught up on rest today. I haven't slept a lot. It's just been nice to lay here, you know?
I have a weird obsession/fascination with babies and baby names. Said obsession with baby names leads to a fascination with celebrity babies and celebrities having babies. I frequently visit this site to help with that. And do you know what today is? The first birthday of the cutest celebrity babies in Hollywood.
Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt. They're so adorable. And for fraternal twins, they sure look a heck of a lot alike. (Side note: It's also the birthday of Jessica's son Elias.)
I love babies, in case you weren't aware. For as long as I can remember, the one dream of mine that has stayed with me is that I know I want to be a wife and a mother. But I want to have a good career, too, so you can bet I'm not going to be the woman who thinks she belongs barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Too much to ask? I think not. This is a girl who dreams big.
And in case you were curious (which you probably aren't) I love the names Jayden Elijah and Tyler Vincent for boys and Isabella Rose and Madison Claire for girls.
Okay, randomness over.
For now, anyway.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
So...in light of the fact that I haven't posted since Sunday due to the traveling, let's do a little recap.
Monday: Long, long, long trip to Greenville, SC. Six rainstorms. Mom got us lost in a small town in SC and thanks to my crappy co-piloting skills, it took us 40 minutes to get on a road that would take us to the highway we were supposed to be on to start with. The bright side was that we laughed the entire time. Arrived, went to Barnes & Noble, went to TGI Friday's, and proceeded to stay up way too late laughing for no reason whatsoever.
Tuesday: Went to Shriner's. Got X-rayed. Got permanently discharged. Long, long, long, long drive home. Seriously, I thought I'd never get out of that car.
Wednesday: Went to Japanese restaurant for lunch. Got a physical. Got orange glasses. Went to beach with Holly and her friend. Got attacked by a wave, did a flip, slammed my head on the ocean floor, and cut my knee and toe. Came home, rested, ate nachos, and took a painkiller for the enormous headache I had thanks to my completely ungraceful tumble. Rested some more.
Thursday: Slept in. Was going to go to my neurologist but Mom said she had a headache. So we rescheduled it. Dropped off dogs at boarder. Got dinner. Drove to hotel in the town I lived in till I was 4.
Friday: Got student ID. Boring meetings. Lunch. Saw my exact dorm room. Skipped afternoon meetings to take a nap. The one I went to in the morning was the one my mom was going to in the afternoon, and vice versa, so there was no point. Got all prettied up. Went to President's Reception. Got blisters on my feet from new shoes. Crashed.
Saturday: Got mad at mom because she refused to get up and take me to my dorm meeting. Went to campus and got my schedule. Same schedule I got online. Tried to get a post office box, but didn't have a second form of ID. Came home. Picked up dogs. Sat on/laid in my comfy, wonderful bed.
There. That about covers it. :) FIVE WEEKS. I love Campbell!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
I'm sorry if I'm whining, or if I'm being selfish. I know there are kids out there who have to deal with SO MUCH MORE than I do. But right now, I'm just so tired. I have been sick pretty much 24/7 for the past 11 months. It's exhausting. I can't sleep. These migraines are getting worse and worse, and I can't take medication for it because of my seizure medicine. I just need a break. A short break. This week is so busy and so crazy, and I need energy. As of now, I have pretty much none.
I'm just tired.
Tired of being sick.
Tired of being tired.
Tired of doctors.
Tired of hospitals.
Tired of being afraid about how healthy I'll be at school.
Tired of being afraid, period.
I'm just so tired.
Morning, come quickly.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
Because seriously, next week is insanely crazy.
Monday - drive to Greenville, SC (7 hours)
Tuesday - appointment @ Shriner's Hospital, drive home
Wednesday - pre-college physical, eye appointment
Thursday - drive to Raleigh, NC (2.5 hours), appointment at seizure doctor, drive to Benson, NC to hotel
Friday - college orientation in Buies Creek, NC
Saturday - college orientation, drive home
So, needless to say, I'll probably be pretty absent from here next week. Thankfully, my mom has to do all the driving. ;) And I bought myself a new ORANGE 8GB Ipod yesterday, so I will have no lack in entertainment. My mom wanted my old Ipod so she could load her German tapes on there. The even more awesome thing about is is that this new 8GB cost just about the same that my 4GB did last summer. The most awesome thing of ALL about this new Ipod is that it came with an insert/adaptor to put it into the Ipod dock I got for my birthday/graduation, and with the old one I was going to have to order it. Money saved on a stupid little piece of plastic.
So, I had to get four vaccinationsd required for college on Wednesday. HepA, HepB, HPV, and Meningicoccal Meningitis. I HATE SHOTS. And let me tell you, the HPV/Gardasil and Meningitis HURT LIKE CRAZY. I still have a massive lump on my arm where those two were. My mom says it's because I was tense, but I was really trying to be calm and relaxed. I guess I failed at that, haha, because my mom said she could actually see the tightness in my arm. That was odd.
Over on MckMama's blog, there's been a great discussion about politics. I have it on my mind to say my piece. If this makes you want to stop reading my blog, then so be it.
I am a die-hard Democrat. However, I am always up for debates with Republicans who actually have a real sense about the subjects they talk about. I was completely displeased with the 8 years that George W. Bush was in office. I believe he really messed us up on several levels. I have hope for Obama and what he can do to change this country. It truly bothers me that so many people think that the problems we have right now are because of Obama, completely ignoring the fact that things have been going downhill for much longer than five and a half months. I support our troops wholeheartedly and truly appreciate that they are doing the job to protect us that they signed up to do, but I believe that we got into this war on lies and false information and it is doing much harm, so I do not support this war. I think torturing anyone to get information or confessions out of them is just plain wrong. But no matter what liberal/Democrat values or beliefs I have, I believe God rules over any human, and it is our duty as Christians to pray for our leaders, whether or not we like or agree with them.
Okay, switching topics now.
Please continue to pray for Dw and Linn and their family. Dw is very very sick with Hepatitis, Linn is there in Iowa with him and a recovering-from-leg-surgery Isaiah, and their daughter. The rest of their kids are across the country, and it is hard on all of them. They need all the prayers they can get.
Okay, that's all I can think of to post. Like I said, I'll probably be pretty absent from here next week, but I'll try to post when/if I can.